The one where I meander and don’t get right to the point

It's hard to get used to how FRICKING CLEAN this house is, in anticipation of the people traipsing through to look at everything. I walk into a room and go, "Oh! Crap, it's clean in here." My Uncle Leo used to say about people: "They're so clean" as if that were a bad trait. I had these two old lady great aunts who lived together in a tiny cute house, and in retrospect it was my dream house. They had all the old lady things I like. I even think they had an O'Keefe and Merrit stove.

425-502x600Marvin and I had one in California, and had to leave it behind. It's hard to schlep a stove. I like how they show a 1930s stove with 1960s graphics behind it.

The point is, my Uncle Leo and I were inexplicably at my great aunts' old lady house one day–I can just see us in their kitchen with their cute embroidered hand towels–and my uncle mouthed to me, "Everything's so clean" the way you'd mouth, "They're crazy" or "There's a gun on the table."

Uncle Leo. Never a neatnik.

They had a schedule, my great aunts did, where they'd do laundry on Monday, bake on Tuesday, or whatever. My schedule is Oh dear Lord, someone is coming. I have to get the eight pounds of dog fur out from under the bed.

Anyway. I had said to Ned, "On Monday, I don't have my student, and I get to just go home and do absolutely nothing. I have no engagements or plans. I can just go home and relax for the first time in weeks." Someone at work asked me if I was going to the workouts in the park, and I said, "Nope. For the first time in ages, I'm going home to do nothing."



I'd like to take this moment to once again do my Susanna Hoffs impression.

Photo on 6-17-14 at 7.33 AM #2 Photo on 6-17-14 at 7.33 AMYou're welcome.

Oh my GOD, my point is, I did not remotely get my nothing evening. Which is a shame, because I can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. Two more couples came by to see the place last night, so there went my relaxing. The first people were absolutely delightful and I loved them. They were young but both had gainful employment, and the man in the couple said, "Would you be our landlady?" and when I said yes he said, "Oh, that's great. You're already wonderful." Which of course I am. And so clean.

The other duo told me they couldn't come till after the World Cup was done and would that be okay. They got here at about 8:30, and I had the feeling they'd be foreign, because World Cup, and also they both had wonky names. If they move in, I won't even need to make up names for them. Anyway, the man was a tall man of color with dreads, from Colombia. He has a PhD in mechanical engineering and works at a university, so you can imagine how much we had in common. Oh, did we talk mechanicals and engineering. Wooo! But he was so, so nice and also very cute, which is what matters.

His girlfriend is from Germany and she just got here. I have no idea why every German in Greensboro is coming to my house. They met in college and she finally got a green card. She was very nice, too, but she scared the crap out of me. She looked around and asked intelligent questions, and noted imperfections in the house and asked if they'd be fixed before they moved in (….) and generally was one of those brisk, efficient people who make me sweaty.

While she went from room to room taking pictures and making notes (swear), her boyfriend and I had some water in the kitchen and talked engineering. I gave him some tips. He said, "My girlfriend is so efficient. I'm just already emotionally attached to the house, but she has to be logical about it." I told him about how I walked into my new house with Ned and said, "Okay, I love this house and want to spend 80 years here" and he was all is there central air? How's the water pressure? Does the basement leak? I guess you need a regular person and then the person with 80 emotions going.

The point is, they emailed me later and said they really could see themselves living here and want a few days to think it over. In the meantime, someone else is coming tonight and I will never be able to shed dog hair again. Jesus.

Help me think of good Colombian and German names for them, should they move in. Christopher Columbus and Helga. Good. Glad we had this talk.

After I show the house again tonight, and I just saw myself lifting my house up like they do when they show cats, I am going with Ned to see How to Marry a Millionaire at the old theater we love, and I hope to get some tips on how to do just that. I wish there were a movie called How to Make Ned a Millionaire.

Have you ever seen them show cats and hold them up all terribly? Hang on. I can't find a cat right now, believe it or not, but a Lu is right here. I'll demonstrate.

Photo on 6-17-14 at 7.52 AMThat was a terrible demonstration, because today she seemed to weigh 11 hundred pounds. Plus, her leg looks creepily human right there. Oh, forget it.

June, clean.

125 thoughts on “The one where I meander and don’t get right to the point

  1. I was laughing so hard at your post that I think I woke my neighbours up. Well, technically I woke their dog up.


  2. OHHHH, I have so much to say!!!!
    Yes, Kummerspeck is a very cool word. Speckbacken is something that would offend me if someone said it to me, but I guess in a cute, funny way it would be okay. It is something I would only say about a baby. Or myself, because I have me some Speckbacken oing on.
    The dogs name might have been “Schnucki”, which is a term of endearment in Germany.
    As far as German mannerisms go, we are very straight forward. In this country it comes across as being rude. We just come straight to the point and don’t do much sugar coating. I used to not realize that, but I have lived in this country so long I really notice it once I get to Germany. We are very efficient and organized, well, most of us are…
    Walmart did not work in Germany because Germans are very tight with their money. They don’t really do the one stop shopping thing. They would go to Walmart to get whatever was on sale, then go to their regular store to buy whatever else was on sale there, or cheaper than Walmart. The Walmart concept over there is for people to buy everything there, have some things on sale to get people in and then also buy the rest of their things there.
    One of my favorite German words is Zipfelklatscher, it means pecker slapper. “Du scheiss Zipfelklatscher” is one of my favorite cusswords.


  3. I could never be a cop, because I’d be the one mistakenly saying, “ASS RIGHT THERE, FREEZEHOLE,” and then doubling over in laughter.


  4. I could never be a cop, because I’d be the one mistakenly saying, “ASS RIGHT THERE, FREEZEHOLE,” and then doubling over in laughter.


  5. I could never be a cop, because I’d be the one mistakenly saying, “ASS RIGHT THERE, FREEZEHOLE,” and then doubling over in laughter.


  6. Well if the good Reverend doesn’t take his little blue pill that’s what you get a comma fuck.


  7. We need pictures and more stories about Joob’s cool great-great aunties! Aunt Kathy, maybe a guest post by you, sometime? I love that they scrubbed their driveway!


  8. I’m with Sylvia. Say it ain’t so. Please don’t tell me the spontaneous readings aren’t spontaneous. How could they be planned when they appear to be just someone on the street or eating at a restaurant?
    Okay, “comma fuckers”, have a field day with my comment.


  9. Say it ain’t so, Joe! I was so cynical about this show when my sister first told me about it a year ago, and now that I’m hooked, I really want to believe. …


  10. Great idea! And bring “Looming Cooter” along – if that doesn’t scare the ghosties away, nothing will!


  11. Girl, they were your great-great aunts! Still very clean, especially when they were scrubbing their driveway (true story).


  12. I heard the Long Island Medium researches people and sets up her readings. I don’t want to believe it’s true.


  13. While I was reading more about “kummerspeck”, I came across this gem and knew it HAD to be posted here…
    Pilkunnussija (Finnish)
    A person who believes it is their destiny to stamp out all spelling and punctuation mistakes at the cost of popularity, self-esteem and mental well-being.
    They’re out there. They’re reading this right now. Judging, smirking, analyzing. They care nothing about the actual meaning or fun of writing, but care everything about whether you used that semi-colon correctly. While we — perhaps inappropriately — call them Grammar Nazis, the Finns have a much more fitting name: “pilkunnussija.”
    Or literally, “comma fuckers.”


  14. Just woke up from a nap. An intetesting nap where I dreamed about June and Ned and the animules in their new abode. The ghosties were included in the gathering. Upon awakening, I decided if I were going to rent THAT house and could not get The Long Island Medium to come “clear” the place, I would take my animals over for a long visit and watch their reactions as they explore.
    Not advising, just telling you what I would do before signing a lease.


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