Lily.

Not a fan of the blow dryer.

image from https://effjune.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/79ddd-6a00e54f9367fb883401b7c6d602d0970b-pi.jpg

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It’s like God said, “Oh, looky there. June doesn’t have any pet drama, so…”

Remember two years ago, when Tallulah had that bump on her side that turned out to be cancer?

It's back. We go to the vet Tuesday to get it looked at.

Strawberries and Hog

Dudes. I have forgotten to buy hair gel for THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Am officially doing a tree impression.

Jesus. What is WRONG with me? I mean, here is how yesterday went, and the two previous days were just as chaotic-y.

I had this special project I got volunteered for, which is great and I was glad to do it because it was something different to do, but every person I told said, "Oh my god!" Like in a million years they'd never take on something like that.

But take it on I did, and it was intense, and I didn't even go on my walk at work in the morning. Then we had our company meeting, in which my name got mentioned and they flashed a photo of me across the screen and naturally there were autographs after, and a few hysterical fans who grabbed their faces and fainted and so on.

Then back to the intense thing.

I finally got that done at around 3:00, then had to scream over without a minute's break to my REGULARLY scheduled work, only to get an email from the guy who interviewed me. "You'd told me a friend compiled some of your quotes from your blog. Do you have those?"

Of course I don't have those. Has anyone met me? But my friend, The Poet, still did, and she emailed them over. Isn't she supposed to be all disorganized and poetic and gazing at the moon at sunrise and so on? And as a copy editor, shouldn't I be acutely aware of each detail? Anyway, none of that is true, so she sent me the quotes in about 14 seconds.

"What're you laughing at?" my work husband Ryan asked me. He sits on the other side of my computer. Not, like, under the keyboard, but in back of my computer, in our private, cloistered open floor plan.

"Well, myself," I told him. And he seemed unfazed. I was reading this:

So for MONTHS now I've been rolling my stupid foot on a tennis ball like some kind of twisted Labrador retriever or Martina Navratilova. Neither of whom actually rolls their feet on a tennis ball, but I never said I was accurate.

It was when I had the plantar fasciitis.

Also, I adored myself for this:

I've also been sleeping in a sexy splint, which I take off and very neatly place on my nightstand while I am DEAD ASLEEP, and I just kind of wonder what else I'm doing in the night. Making bad investments? REM e-mailing people? Not that I'm emailing "Hey! What up! I'm losing my religion!" "Hey, long time! Stand in the place where you live!"

Then at 5:00, I was supposed to scream to the library to tutor my student, but she canceled, so I got in the car and went to Wendy's. My diet is super clean. I'm going to start an I-get-all-my-meals-out-a-window diet.

I get the strawberry chicken salad there. Have you had it? It.is.delicious. It really is. Any time you combine strawberries with bacon, you have yourself a duo. It's like Peaches and Herb, only it's Strawberries and Hog.

So I went home and devoured that, and then I've made a deal with myself that I will spend a minimum of one hour a day packing and throwing things away and getting things ready for what I call a rummage sale and what Ned and Southern people of his ilk call a yard sale. A yard sale. Whoever heard of such an outlandish term?

I began with the attic, because other than the scary bug-infested shed, it seems like it's gonna be the worst part. I clamored up those steps like I was a beleaguered Anne Frank, tossing empty boxes down, and 39493920 cords that Marvin left, and so on. I threw away what was tossable, labeled with tape and a Sharpie what I was selling, and set aside what stays. So far two things stay.

Then I did my Tracy Chapman workout while trying to avoid Edsel, who becomes even more obsessed with me when I'm lying on a yoga mat. It's his big chance to lick me 900 times, and I swear Tallulah told him I've got a Tootsie Roll inside.

While I was Tracy-ing, Ned called, and it was while I was talking to him, at 9:00 at night while I was exhausted and sweaty, that I remembered the goddamn gel.

So that's why I look like a tree.

Gotta leave.

June

I’m a narcissist!

I was driving home from Ned's when I saw one of those horrid stick-figure families on the back of a car. I cannot tell you how I abhor those narcissistic things, says the woman who blogs about herself every day. This particular stick figure family was a woman with "I'm a teacher!" written under it ("I'm a narcissist!") and then two dogs. Okay, I can be down with dogs being your family, as you know.

When I got behind her at a red light, I saw just faintly a man stick figure had been ripped off. Oooo. Been there, sister.

But speaking of narcissism, particularly mine, I had my interview yesterday, and I now wish to be interviewed each and every day. Oh, that was fun. I don't want to ruin the writer's article by telling you what we talked about, although what was interesting was he said meeting me was different from meeting June. In other words, our personalities differ.

Who knew?

The magazine article will be out in a few months. And they didn't take my picture, after all that. He said they'd come over later, maybe even when I'm in our new house. He asked when I blogged, and I said in the a.m., generally, before work, and he said maybe they'd take a picture of me doing that, in my natural element.

Photo on 8-27-14 at 7.46 AMUnretouched picture of me right now, in my element, and I cannot wait to see all this prettiness in a fancy magazine. I can just see the headline now: The repugnant blogger who needs Botox AGAIN. The t-shirt-headed blogger. Hey, it's a Curly Girl thing. Shut up.

Won't it be exciting when I move to a whole new room and you don't have to look at this same background anymore? And I will not be bringing the orange crate images. Marvin, come get 'em if you want 'em.

After the fun, fun, oh-so-fun interview (about two years ago, the interviewer saw me at the local Christmas tree lighting ceremony downtown, and he was about to reach over and tell me then that he wanted to interview me, and apparently I gave him a bitchy look. The Blows-Her-Chances-For-Fame-Because-She's-a-Dick Blogger), I called Ned, who was two doors down from said interview. "I wish to be interviewed every day!" I told him. "I was worried about this," he said.

Ned and I went to dinner, and I had him take my photo, since I'd gone to all the trouble of putting on my red shirt and everything.

IMG_1487I kind of look like hell. I mean, my hair always makes me look like a crazy person, and when did my eyes head south? The hoots still got it, though.

IMG_1495I'm God, and I approve this relationship.

Maybe I just need to grow it longer. The hair, not the relationship. Remember when I scraped together $300 and had it chemically straightened and I hated it? Calm hair is not me. You know what I really super-duper need? A nose job. THAT would make all the difference. My nose is horrific.

I guess I'll go to work now, but remind me to tell you about the guy at work who is funny without really intentionally being funny. He lumbers around being generally crabby, and saying outlandish things, and finally one of us made a Twitter page with his ridiculous quotes. Maybe it's only funny if you know him. But that page kills all of us at work, who know him. I DO know that he's annoyed about the quote where he says he likes the IDEA of Chinese food, because what he really said was he likes the idea of fruit. I know he's right about that, because I heard him say he likes the idea of fruit.

The idea of fruit. Good gravy.

I guess you don't have to remind me to tell you about the guy at work, because I just did.

Okay, Famous June is out of here. I should totally make cookies.

A thousand words.

IMG_1357When I was at my mother's house a few weeks ago, I found this picture of my Aunt Kathy (left) and mom in polka dots, back in 1975. It was my Uncle Jim's wedding. Look how hot they are! I remember they'd show this to people and ask, "Which of us is prettier?" which made no one have an uncomfortable look or anything.

Now that Ned and I have signed the lease (eeeeek!!), I've been throwing things away (like my USELESS PRINTER, and no one buy an HP, ever. EVER! If your printer breaks, they have an 800 number, and try to charge you $100 to help you), and taking things to Goodwill (there are dresses I've moved from Los Angeles to TinyTown to here, and not worn once) and going through papers, and I found this photo:

IMG_1473This is my ex-best friend and me, back in the '90s when I lived in LA. It was between Christmas and New Year's, I remember that. Also, note how I am creeping around to feel her up. She was too tall to feel up.

And really? Really? There's anyone left who DOESN'T know how we broke up. Okay, here.

I wish I still had those dreadful jeans. And at this point, I must not have been living in LA for long, because Marvin hated black, so my all-black wardrobe became my all-pink wardrobe. Since Marvin has left I've purchased approximately 900 million new black shirts. Or seven. Somewhere between 900 million and seven.

Okay, I gotta go. I guess it's okay to tell you why I have to look nice tonight: I am being interviewed by a magazine, about this blog. It's a local hoity-toity magazine, one of those thick shiny ones that's at hotels or fancy doctor's offices where you may or may not get your Botox, if one did that and didn't embrace natural aging the way I do, with a good diet and clean living.

Hey, that lightning bolt almost hit me right in the head.

Anyway, it's exciting. I have no idea if they're taking my photo, but I got my red boob shirt on just in case. Naturally, today I ran out of hair gel. Yes, I did. So my hair will be 50 feet wide, but why fool anyone into thinking it doesn't usually get wide?

So that's the story. Am famous. Ish. Am almost famous. Am Stillwater.

Why doesn't Billy Cruddup ever call me?

Widely,

June

Typhoid June

Woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach thing. Seeing as I just got back from vacation a week ago, I'm dragging self into work to spread disease to others. Go, me! Actually, I assume it's something I ate. Says Typhoid June.

Talk amongst yourselves. Go read yesterday's post, if you haven't. I never shut up yesterday, back when my innards will still with me. Oh, and you can read a nice depressing Purple Clover about my friend Charlie, if you wish.

Champing at the but

Several important things must be noted before I talk about our house:

1. My goddamn Delete key is not working on this keyboard, so I must forge ahead, typos and all today, and fuck it. I understand that having my wireless keyboard refuse to delete things on my stupid blog is not what you'd call a serious problem, but that doesn't mean it isn't gonna annoy the fuck right outta me.

B. Speaking of which, I have learned today that doing a loving kindness meditation, where your centering thought for the day is supposed to be that you will be loving and, you know, kind, should not be followed up by immediately reading the New York Times wedding section.

I mean, seriously, there's one chick in there who I cannot believe has any sort of family, because no supportive person would allow that poor dear to head off into the pages of the New York Times with those eyebrows. It's like she picked up hot coals, thinking they were binoculars. Was she in some sort of waxing mishap? If so, I hope she sued. And if her people let her pose with those eyebrows, you know they ain't gonna stop her from marching down the aisle with those monstrosities, either.

This is what I mean about loving kindness and the wedding section. Deepak Chopra himself would not be able to combine the two.

4. And the waxing mishap reminds me of something I have been wanting to tell you for weeks. When I was back in Michigan, it was my cousin Katie-the-lesbian's birthday, and because mine had been the month before, and she knows how rich I am, she said, "Why don't we buy each other pedicures when you get here, as our gift to each other?"

So as soon as I got to her house, I was champing (yes, champing, LETHA) at the but

See. Fucking no delete key. Champing at the but. Am dying a little.

CHAMPING AT THE BIT to get my feet done, as I had held out so that we could do them together, and Pan was calling and wanting his hooves back.

"I usually go to W," said Katie, who is, you know, earthy.

"W?" It sounded fancy.

"The salon at Walmart," she said.

 

Honestly. How is someone this no-nonsense even related to me? So because I am a polite, easygoing houseguest, I said okay and waited for them to suggest they paint sparkly orange lightning bolts on my toes or something, because another thing I am is not at all a snob.

The good news is, they were booked for the rest of the day. The bad news is, people actually go to the nail salon at Walmart like it's a thing.

"I can take you tomorrow," the receptionist said, and there's a job. Oh, I greet guests at W salon. Have I mentioned I am not at all a snob? "If tomorrow won't work, there is a salon across the street," she suggested.

"Oh, good!" said my cousin. "Which direction?"

The receptionist told Katie about the place, and finished with, "Now, they are Vietnamese. But it's clean."

"I can't think of the last time I went to a salon that wasn't Vietnamese. In fact, I practically speak Vietnamese," I told her. I have no idea what I was trying to prove to this horrid person, although it really is true that I may or may not be picking up the Vietnamese words "high-maintenance" and "goat hoofs."

What a jerk.

9. Finally, and then we will talk about m'house, I did want to let you know that I have already had two disgusting bug experiences today. The first one was this morning, as I left Ned's. I got less than a block away when THE BIGGEST BUG YOU HAVE EVER SEEN started flying around in my car. He looked sting-y, and he was yellow. Naturally I did the adult thing and abandoned my car. I left it right in the middle of the road and kept directing people around it.

You have no idea how big that insect was. I called Ned for help, and went back to directing traffic.

"You need help?" a large man asked me. "Naw, my boyfriend's on his way. There's just a huge bug flying in my car and he looks sting-y," I told the man.

He looked at my car. "Well, he got in there because you drive a Bug!"

 

Ned was remarkably patient for a person who'd just gotten rid of me. He came and moved the car to a normal part of the road. For a while we couldn't find the damn thing, and I had the hatch open, terrifiedly searching for the world's largest sting-y-est yellow bug.

"I think you should commend me for not once going zzzzzzzZZT behind you!" said Ned, who really should study up more on Lorena Bobbit and women of her ilk.

If THAT weren't bad enough, once I got home, I discovered Iris had brought in a cricket, which is bad enough, and maybe she wanted it around to react to my jokes, but in her zeal she managed to quietly dismember several of its disgusting bug legs, while the poor cricket itself was wriggling in agony. I mean, it's not satisfying enough to just catch it and kill it. It's a whole level of accomplishment if you can torment it first.

She and her one eye stared at me coldly while I oookily put old Jiminy out of his misery with a broom, then swept up the 14 parts she'd scattered across the floor.

Anyway, our house. I like how I said yesterday there was one house we've obsessed over for weeks, and we had called about it, then I got back on here and said the house we've obsessed over is ours, and people were still all, "What house?"

I'm using a lotta YouTube today.

Screen Shot 2014-08-24 at 2.15.52 PMThis cute house. It was built in 1928, is in the adorablest neighborhood (even CLOSER to work), has a front porch with a porch swing, and upstairs and a downstairs, hardwoods throughout, and it's the least-expensive one we've seen!!

Screen Shot 2014-08-24 at 2.16.12 PMWhen we got to the open house yesterday, three minutes early, there were already giant assholes waiting on the porch. Hey, how's that loving kindness meditation working, June? Ned and I groused about them till we got to the porch steps, where there was a penny face up. A sign!

Then as I told you, there was a George Lassos the Moon picture in the house, and Ned and I were all, A SIGN!!

Then I told the guy we'd give him fifty bucks more a month and we got the place. I'll give you a sign. It's green and rectangular. I mean, there's no messing with a savvy wheeler dealer like me, man.

Even with the extra 25 big ones apiece, Ned and I are saving more than $600 a month on rent and mortgage. PLUS, the month we move in is the last month I'll have a car payment, and I'd like to thank Marvin for signing up for that six-year plan. Jesus. Anyway, that's another $273 on TOP of the $600! WE'LL BE RICH, I tell ya!

And my renters are still available! They've gone month to month at their current place, so. Yay!

Okay, I gotta go. Ned and I are (sit down) going to a movie, and also Ima do Tracy Chapman again today. Yesterday while nervously awaiting the you-got-the-place call from our new landlord, who seems lovely, I did the next level of Tracy to work off my energy. Holy cats. Today my arse be hurtin', and as one of the Alexes at work (the one with the seven-inch waist) told me, motion is lotion. I hated her when she said it but I think of it whenever my parts hurt and it compels me to exercise. Damn her and her slogans and her waist and her size two-ness.

Movingly,

June

June Lassos the Moon. Maybe.

Ned and I went to an open house today of a house we've been obsessing over for weeks. The guy finally had a time people could come look, and the open house was till 3:00. The guy said if anyone is interested to call when the open house was over, and we called RIGHT AT 3:00 OH MY GOD, and?

No answer from the guy. It's 5:14. WHERE IS HE? Ned is despondent and has given up.

In the meantime, the gay guys house has offered to put the fence up and charge us just $50 more a month till the fence is paid off, which sounds good to me and Ned is mulling that over. I'd go for that, cause that house is gorgeous.

But that is not why I gathered you all here today. I went shopping last night for three torturous hours.

IMG_1439It was the end of the workday. I understand that I look like hell. Sue me. The point is, I tried on a black dress with a leopard collar and realized I was doing a Betty Rubble impression, so.

IMG_1438I also tried on a beautiful lace cocktail dress, which they claimed I could "dress down" with a cardigan, and again. Cardigans in August in the South. Right. The fact that I have SKIN on is hard enough in August in the South.

IMG_1441Drapey polka-dot shirt, which wasn't bad.

IMG_1444Helloooooo. I'm…super serious in my white shirt and black everything else.

I know y'all were obsessed with me finding a blue v-neck, but they didn't just appear, so.

IMG_1446I tried on this blue flimy thing and looked like I was on my way to teach my art class at the Learning Annex. Good evening, people…

Photo on 8-22-14 at 8.43 PMFinally, I bought this shirt, which is more coral than pink, tho it looks pink here.

Photo on 8-22-14 at 8.42 PMI bought turquoise and pinky coral earrings, too, which you really can't see, but trust me.

So, I like it, but then I remembered my red shirt, which is v-necked and sexy but not trampy. I always shop and then remember something I already have.

Photo on 1-19-13 at 7.15 PMWhat if I wore this, maybe with my glasses to seem less slutty?

So, which. Coral or red? And also, why won't anyone rent to us? Oh, and at that place where we went today where the guy refuses to call back? The current renters have a framed photo of George Lassos the Moon. Ned pointed it out. "It's a sign!" I said.

Sigh.

Fashion advice

I overslept, and I have these bags under my eyes that I have NEVER ONCE EVER woken up to. Aging is fantastic.

My point is, I need advice. I know. Didn't I say NEVER AGAIN last time? There's always someone who's just been champing at the bit to tell me how fat I am or whatever. Still. Advice.

If you could put me in something flattering, what would you put me in? If I could score a burka, I would, but I only have the weekend to decide.

Color, style? Jeans, skirt, dress? What?

Okay, tell me. It's nothing fancy, so… (Steal something casual.) (That's only funny if you know from the movie Arthur.)

And I'll tell you WHY I need something flattering as soon as I am able.

Fashionably, June

P.S. Thanks for chiming in yesterday to say how long you've been reading. It was sort of fascinating, mostly because we were talking about me. My favorite part was how many people said, "You yelled at me, once, June, but I stayed around." Nice. I am a gem.

Blog, she wrote

Do you realize that Lily was gone exactly twice as long as my longest-disappearing-but-came-back cat, Confetti, who left for 26 days in 1987? Lily was gone for 52 days. FIFTY-TWO DAYS.

The vet said she had one live flea on her, so dousing her with meds the second she got indoors was one of my more brilliant plans. She has a little upper respiratory thing, but the vet said that's to be expected and she doesn't think meds are necessary. I can call them meds because I am a doctor. A British doctor. I am Faithful Reader Nithya. Word to Nithya!

Does Nithya still read this stupid blog? People come and go so quickly here. If you've read this blog for more than three years, leave a comment today saying you're still here. What about Peter? He used to comment all the time. Do I KILL all these people or something? I'm the Angela Lansbury of bloggers.

I know we've lost Siren, not that she's dead, although she'd love it if we all said she was dead. Oh, how I miss her. Got attached.

I have no idea how I got off on this old-readers tangent. It's just that you all can check in years later and be all, Oh looky there. June's still around. But if YOU guys go I never find out another thing about you. Of course, if you say things like "looky" I don't want to find out anything about you, anyway.

Hang on. I gotta wipe off my Nair for Faces.

…Okay, I'm back. I recently told Ned my "dark like man" story and he got way too big of a kick out of it. You know that story. I was in my early 30s and I went to get my eyebrows waxed. "You want me to wax mustache too?" that little jerk of a waxer asked me. "Oh, no, I–thank you, I–I don't HAVE a mustache," I said.

"Ohhhh," she said solemnly, "You dark like man."

I have never handed seven dollars over to a person more quickly. All my friends insisted she was scamming me for that big payoff, because I emailed EVERYONE to say "Why did none of you TELL me I'm Clark Gable," but now I faithfully Nair and wax every month, because dark like man.

Speaking of Ned, he and I schlepped over to house number 49484828 yesterday and god, was it beautiful. A gay couple bought and renovated a 1928 bungalow, so need I say more. "I wish YOU were gay," I told Ned as we strolled on gorgeous hardwoods and admired tasteful colors and hardware and built-in everything.

The drawbacks? No fence, but he said we can put one in, which…

And one bathroom. But oh my GOD what a beautiful bathroom. You should see the goddamn kitchen. There was nothing in that house that was NOT beautiful. And the rooms were HUGE. But fence. FENCE.

I hope you're all jousting at each other now.

Afterward, Ned said, "Have you eaten? Because I'm starving," and let me just tell you what. If it's ever 8:00 my time and you're wondering what I'm up to–and if so, hey, No-Life. But if you are, I assure you there's an 80% chance Ned is saying that very thing. WHAT DOES HE DO between 5:00 and 8:00? Does he just wander from room to room, wondering what the common folk are up to during those hours? And then he gets exasperated with me because imagine that, I've eaten by 8:00. Is he a New Yorker?

So, because I'd had popcorn for dinner and could totally go for a bang-bang, we got something to eat. There's this restaurant near me that I've always said I hated, mostly because the name annoys me and because once I didn't like what I ordered. But then I've been there since, with coworkers, and it wasn't bad.

"Why don't we go to Whoo-De-Hooo-Hooo Xerophthalmia?" I asked Ned, and you can see how that name might bug.

"But you HATE it there," he said.

"I might not," I offered.

"But every time I say I want to try it there, you say, 'Oh my god I HATE that place.'" You should hear Ned's impression of me complaining about something. I sound like Linda Blair.

The point is, we went to Whoo-De-Hooo-Hooo Xerophthalmia and It.Was.Delicious. And cheap! All this time we've been snubbing the place right near me and we were missing all that reasonable deliciousness. I even have leftovers that I am dearly tempted to eat now but will try to be a grownup and wait till lunchtime like normal people.

Oh, and speaking of that, the other night it was 8:00 and Ned was hungry, so we went to this place we ALWAYS go, and I only ate half my sandwich. I wrapped the other half in my napkin and put it in my purse. But then? I got home and kind of forgot I'd done that? And when I got back into the room, Tallulah had my purse straps over her neck like she was eating out of a feed bag. She even ate the napkin.

Tallulah is a dick.

And my dogs are trained solidly.

Okay, I have to go. Lily is mostly sleeping constantly, still, but if she were awake I'm sure she'd say everyone stop looking at her but also could she please get in your lap. When you pet her, she feels like one of those bony old cats. That vet had catorexia. No way she's a good weight right now.

Says the person who ate dinner twice last night.

Phatly,

June

“Fat farm” such a uglee phrase. (A guest post by Lily Gardens.)

IMG_1401Obviouslee, Lilee beautiful. Lilee always been beautifull. Cannot help. And mom such good cook. Ebery day she make brown kibul to put in Lilee dish, and it devine. And maybe Lilee get…too fluffee. Sometime Lilee remind self of Elizabeth Taylor. In Liz flufflier yeers.

So Lilee sine up for a, you know, health camp. Where she can chase mices and butterfliees and do catesthenics and so on. And maybe while she at…health camp, she get brest lift. You have six boob you be gone long time too.

And, yes, maybe Lilee forget to leeve note. No reason for mom to get histerical. With those dramatic posters, mom. Gawd. Plus, Lilee look totleee fat in picture you use. Oh, pleese find mom fat feeeline! Mom sad without her Mama Cass cat. Humileeate.

But not anymore. Lilee do yoga and purrlates and mom wonder if anything less funny than a purr pun by a cat. Lilee cut out all glooten and chocolate mouse. Once she thin and lifted and separated, she hed back home. And maybe she get…loss a little. Maybe she make wrong turn. But eventulee she get home.

Lilee wate in bush next to front porch. Mom suppose to be at work 8:30 and mom neber leeve house till 8:30. How mom hold down job Lilee never no. So at 8:30, heer come mom. She got her cawfee and her purse and she get to first step and stop right there.

"Lily?" she ask out lowd, even tho she can't see Lilee. It like she just no Lilee there. Lilee still hide in bush, but mom look down there anyway. But it been long time since Lilee see mom, plus what mom do to hair? So Lilee maybe panik a little and run low thru bush and into driveway. She run low with her skwat Lilee legs.

Mom put down purse and cawfee. Thought nothing could make mom put down cawfee. She sit right in driveway like loonatic. "Lily!" she whisper, like Lily crazy. "Lily, come heer!" Mom look weepy. Gawd. So Lilee come over and mom SWOOP HER UP AND RUN INSIDE LIKE SHE STEELING LILY. Sometime mom a drama KWEEN.

Mom put Lilee right in front of food dish. Just get back from fat–health club, mom. Just reech goal weight. Not–oh, man. crunch crunch crunch crunch…

Lilee going to be tub any second.

IMG_1380Next thing you no, Unkkle Ned be over, looking weepy too. And Edsel stick snowt in Lilee and whine and wag tail and mom notiss that Lilee happy to see Edsel, too. I mean, he my own brother, what she expect? When mom at work, Eds and Lilee watch Lifetime Television for Wimmins, and sometime Eds make meeen peach dackery.

What Lilee want to no is, what up Eyeriss butt? She hiss and she growl and she give Lilee eveil look with her one eye. It like she jellis that Lilee finally skinnyer than her. Eyeriss totall bitch.

IMG_1403Mom say dis morning we go to the Met, and Lilee totally ready to see and be seen.

…wat?

As I was saying, before we were so rudely interrupted by work and life…

You know, before I got back from vacation (a reader asked me to never say "vacay," so I will not), I made a vow I was not going to fill up my week with something to do every damn night, and yet it's happened again. Yesterday Ned and I spent our lunch hour looking at yet another house (nope) (too close to a really, REALLY busy street), after work I had my student, then tonight we look at another house. Wait. Lemme get you a picture.

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 7.57.29 AMRight? It's 99 years old! Ninety-nine. I've been waiiiitin' so long. Oh, niiiine-ty-nine. Where'd we go wrong? Oh, ninety-nine. I love youuuu.

I wonder how much I could do with the area of my brain that managed to memorize all the top 40 AM radio songs from 1975 to 1980. The piano player looks like everyone my mother dated before she met my stepfather, who marched in looking like a normal person, and I thought, "THIS one will never last." I really did.

IMG_1289My stepfather, still normal.

OH MY GOD, this is how my life gets out of control. I have no focus. I have a friend whose family is from…somewhere. Somewhere south of here. Colombia? Whenever I can't remember I go with Colombia. The point is, her gramma used to tell her, "You must fukkus, Cat. You have no fukkus." My friend's name is Cat, which is super cool and I wish I was from possibly Colombia so my name would be Cat. It's probably some long pretty name like Cataralainalarininla and she goes with Cat. I've never asked.

FUKKUS! So, we have that on Tuesday, then on Wednesday we have a little bungalow to look at, and then my friend Charlie asked if I'd visit so I will this week and boom it's the weekend. What I wouldn't give for a nice week where I just get to come home after work and do nothing. I blame Ned.

So ANYWAY. I was gonna finish up about my trip so here we go.

IMG_1232I took Mr. Sparkling Personality, here (it's like once the camera is on him, he turns dour) (you'd think the camera was on him every day or something, to entertain thousands of people he doesn't know), to my college town to show him just everything, and what's sad is how much of that involved bars. "And here's where my friend barfed in the back." "This bar is the one where they'd call me at home if I didn't show up."

It's true, there was a bar like that, and we decided to go to that at the end of the day, the big piece of resistance. I have to stop saying that like it's funny. I'm turning into someone's grandpa. The point is, we ate and shopped and walked all over yonder on campus and went to the museum where I worked for years and finally, FINALLY, we went to that bar. We walked in the front, walked straight through to the back door, and left.

"Oh my GOD, was it always so LOUD in there?" Ned asked, horrified.

"No! No, I….wow. Maybe it was. Wow."

You can't go home again.

IMG_1273So my hair and I took Ned to the Peanut Barrel, which used to let you throw shells on the ground and which now in our clean, politically correct world we can no longer do. I like how peanut throwing has become political. We sat next to four computer geeks, who talked about physics and languages and it was like sitting next to the cast of Theory of Relativity of whatever that show is that I've seen like twice with that guy named Sheldon.

The point is, I would like to listen to MY deep talks that I had at the Peanut Barrel in 1985 and see what pith I came up with.

IMG_1296Eventually we returned to my home town, and on one of the days I took Ned to this old barn place, where they serve only local food, and the menu is quite limited to just what they have that day. It was one of those walk up and look at the board and order right there situations, which Ned is not good with, but he did it.

IMG_1297He got duck tacos, which is fine if you don't mind someone throwing tacos at you over and over.

BAH!

Someone's grandpa.

IMG_1368We also managed to see Hulk, pictured here in a sporting shirt, with sports on in the background. Hulk is on the cover of…wait for it…Sports Illustrated currently and he was beside his own self.

IMG_1365Sports Illustrated told everyone to send in a photo of them doing something athletic, (I could not pick just one), and they made a big picture of everyone's small picture. Hulk found exactly where his tiny picture is and showed us. He's below the U in Illustrated or something. Am certain he will write in and correct me angrily.

The good news is, he and Ned got to talk about….sports.

"Hey, Ned, sporty sport sports sport sporting!"

"Yeah, ha ha! SPORTS Sporty sport ball sport!"

"Ha ha ha! Yeah. And sport…"

Oh my god I was in a COMA.

IMG_1371At the end of the trip, we returned to our hotel in West Virginia that we always stay at, and it just happened to be homecoming weekend. So while we ate outside, we saw a whole fireworks show. It was an excellent way to end our vacay. Aaaaand now I've lost a reader.

Sportingly,

June

“Oh good. Someone else’s vacation pictures.”

I was tempted to title this "I need a vaCAtion from my vaCAtion!" but I was afraid there'd be that one person out there who didn't know how I abhor that sentence, and they'd be all, "Wow, June is such an asshole."

Anyway, I'm back, and it's Sunday evening, and the pets and I are reunited like Bitches and Herb. Eds is completely exhausted from day care (see him back there, saying, "Fuk dis. Eds tire"?) Iris immediately ran outside the minute I opened the back door. Dose mice not gonna eet demselfs.

IMG_1374Luuuu care

In a little while, Ned is gonna call me to have dinner, because it's been so long since we've seen each other. We managed to get along just fine despite spending 256 hours in the car, and didn't even have any fights or anything. Even when he'd get more ice to crunch.

I thought I'd show you some of our vacation shots, because nothing's more interesting than looking at someone's photos. I wish we could all gather around my phone, because that's even more fun, when someone makes you do that. "Come over here and scrinch behind me while I show you things you're completely over after photo one!"

IMG_1172I took Ned to the Turkey Roost, my favorite restaurant of all time ever in the universe, and I've been to the Rainbow Room.

In fact, I have never been to the Rainbow Room, but I like how that's my restaurant pinnacle. Am sophisticated.

When I was a kid, I was a finicky eater, and what ever happened to THAT slip-of-a-thing version of me? The point is, whenever they took me to the Roost I ate like a linebacker. They serve turkey and turkey, and they serve it in about 30 seconds. I am not even kidding. Oh, I love it there so bad, I do.

IMG_1175Despite the fact that your choices are turkey with dark meat, turkey with light meat, a turkey sandwich or that day's soup (the day we were there, the soup of the day was…turkey! Who knew?), Ned still had to look at the menu and ask the waitress to come back. He ended up going with the turkey.

IMG_1177After we had our jive turkey–and really, why don't I take this act on the road–we headed to northern Michigan where my cousin Katie the lesbian, who is outdoorsy, lives with her husband Jason, who is outdoorsy.

IMG_1227Oh, look, there's Jason outdoors. You never see THAT. Jason makes really beautiful furniture for a living, and I plan to write a whole post about it because, man. But look at the link I just put in here, and you will feel not unlike Carrie Bradshaw the first time she entered Aidan's store.

"You know, there's a whole part of Sex and the City that features a furniture maker…" I began, and everyone studiously ignored me. At this point, Ned could recite the whole series word for word and he's barely seen one episode. Honestly, I'm worse than Susan Sharon.

The point of my story is that it was cold up there. I mean cold. Rocky was there punching meat. Penguins were crying ice cube tears. We're talking chilly. Katie told us to bring layers, but I thought she meant maybe bring a loose cotton sweater, when what she really meant was mukluks. I actually don't really know what mukluks are but I think they have something to do with muks winning the lottery.

IMG_1186Here's everyone putting on WINTER COATS to have a bonfire, and I know this is a terrible picture but Ned put the kibosh on the other one I took. "Don't put in that picture of me. I look like a monkey."

"You know, there's an episode of Sex and the City where someone looks like a monkey."

IMG_1184The good news is, Katie and Jason are outdoorsy AND chef-fy. Everything we ate Ned ended up saying it was the best thing he'd ever eaten in his life. Ned enjoys food. Food is Ned's Sex and the City.

IMG_1374I meant to put in a photo of the buffalo burgers they made us, but happy Tallulah is here again, instead. Lu would have been pleased to partake of our buffalo burgers, but she was in prison all week, at daycare. I watched her on the webcam, trying to play with a fox terrier who ignored her, and it broke my heart in a million pieces. PLAY WITH MY DOG, YOU FOXY POINTY-NOSED BITCH.

IMG_1183Here. Here is the real photo of the buffalo burgers. Ned goddammited these early and often.

Katie and Outdoorsy Jason just moved back to Michigan, from Alaska. They wanted to go to toasty northern Michigan. They sold everything they had before coming back, so although they've bought this adorable house:

IMG_1188Adorable house.

IMG_1190Adorable house with dog. Oh, look, Jason's outside.

They have little furniture. Which is how Ned and I ended up spending two nights in that camper you see up yonder. Believe it or not it was pretty comfy. Ned woke me up both nights to come out and look at shooting stars, and for someone who looks at shooting stars, he does not know more.

ThemoreyouknowI believe both times that he shook me awake at 3 a.m., my wish for him involved fucking and youing. I did, however, stand in the frigid yard and look at stars BEFORE I fell asleep, and they were lovely. Ned asked me to point out where the North Star is, and everyone's a comedian. I knew the Big Dipper or the Big Bopper or whatever pointed at the North Star, but YOU get out your punch ladle and see if everyone agrees where it's pointing.

IMG_1222You will be stunned to hear that Katie and Jason suggested we go for a hike, outdoors, so we did, and then we went to Lake Michigan, because Ned is obsessed with bodies of water. "Which Great Lake is closest to your home town?" he asked me, like that's just something everyone knows. You wanna know what religion Charlotte York is, I got your answer. You wanna know what song reminds Carrie Bradshaw of driving around as a teenager, I can tell you that. The Great Lakes. Pfft.

IMG_1217Look how everyone had to pretend to like me while we were at Lake Michigan. Also, please behold my "hiking clothes," which involved my mom's yoga pants, because outdoorsy? If you were going to describe me in one word…

I see I've droned on for a coon's age and I only covered two days of our holiday. Am clearly British with my "holiday." The point is, I have 9239492393 other photos to go over, and this will be one of those posts where I write write write and upload upload upload and juggle plates while playing Flight of the Bumblebee on my one-man band and? Nothing. No comments for an hour and a half. Crickets.

Cricket, because am clearly British.

So I will tell you more tomorrow, and congratulations.

Air05

Love, Susan Sharon (I cannot WAIT for another SATC person to know who Susan Sharon is.) (CANNOT WAIT!!!)