In which I am so unfunny that I make a Willem Dafoe joke. You are going to Willem Defriend me.

I want you to know that as I type this to you, I am also touching up my white roots. June Gardens, multitasker. June Gardens, white-haired old geez. I guess "old geez" is redundant. You'll have to accommodate me. I'm ancient. I'm like that great aunt who says incredibly racist things that you have to just let go by.

I don't want to cheat you out of a post about my weekend like I'm some kind of gypsy, so I will begin with Friday, a night in which Ned came over right after work to start helping me with m'damn house. Again. My goal for the weekend was to wash all the outside windows, which in case you were not expecting this was a PAIN in the ASS.

The good news is, I discovered the living room and back room windows open in, all modern-y. Yes, I HAVE lived here six and a half years. What?

So by the time Ned got here, I'd cleaned all those windows, at least. "Oh, let's blow the rest of this off till tomorrow," I told him, because work ethic. So we packed a few more boxes and headed to Tex & Shirley's, a ridiculous restaurant he hates, that consists of all white-haired people and Ned. See what I did, there? Because white hair, right here. White hair and work ethic.

That was one poor old guy who was brought to you by the letter C. He was completely hunched over. I whispered to Ned, "I am really not kidding you, Is that C-shaped guy dead?" Dudes, he was just hunched lifelessly over his applesauce. But then he creaked a little, and we were all, Whew.

I do not know why I was in the mood to go there, but I was, and Ned had already said we could go wherever I wanted, so he was stuck with that and a bill of $15 for dinner, so.

As usual, we drove past our new house, like obsessive lovers, saying, "GET OUT" to the current tenants as we drove by. Seriously, would they get out already? We've already decorated the whole place in our minds. As we passed it and did our Amityville Horror impresh, I said, "Let's go to the dive bar!" There's a dive bar right near our new house that we've been wanting to try, to see if it's filled with sad old men on their way to becoming letter Cs or annoying hipsters or what.

We walked in, as opposed to dancing in as we sometimes do to make an entrance, and the bartender was very friendly. He asked what brought us in, and when we told him we're moving to the neighborhood, a bunch of people said. "WELCOME TO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!" and they had pretentious beer like Ned likes and it was a great bar, is what I'm telling you.

IMG_1612This is, in fact, NOT a photo from said dive bar, but from a brewery Ned wanted to try, and by the way I am hilarious.

On Saturday morning we had to get up early, which I just love. Man, am I a morning person. There's nothing better, except for maybe a shrimp cilantro dish while watching a frenetic jazz band.

Anyway, I had to get my eyes checked, and $104 later they are exactly the same prescription as last year. Then Ned drove my PUPILS HELLO PUPILS home and a handyman came. I needed him to fix some damn light fixtures and fix the fact that the electric outlet in my bathroom hasn't worked in more than three years and I've been drying my hair in the computer room, and I needed him to fix the squeaky dryer, too.

In the meantime, Ned started cleaning out my shed, which I attempted to help him with, but after four times of screeching directly into his ear because BUG!!!!, he said, "Why don't you just leave this to me." So for a change I packed some more, till I ran out of damn boxes, and then I cut weeds, which is also delightful and relaxing. At this point back there I have actual weed TREES, that I was trying to pull up, and every time I was pulling hard I'd hear my Uncle Jim say, "Put your weight behind it, Tina." My Uncle Jim had a horrific theory that all women named Tina have a weight problem.

June's blog. Driving away readers named Tina since 2014. Look, I didn't say it. I can't help who pops into my head while I'm pulling a weed. God, Tina.

My point is, and there is a point, that handyman did everything on my list and then some, and he's coming back next weekend because the dryer needs more done, and after FOUR HOURS of being here and doing everything, how much do you think that man charged me? How much?

FIFTY DOLLARS. Y'all, if you're local (and he will travel all over yonder, so you don't have to be THAT local), his name is Keith and his phone is 336.362.6011. He is amazing. Tell him you read it on a blog–he'll have no CLUE who June Gardens is.

After encountering 3949493 bugs and a mouse nest (SCREEEEEEEECH!), Ned got that shed looking pristine. Seriously, I wish Ida taken a before and after. "I'd like to SLEEP in here some night," said Ned, who can quickly forget that he was exposed to the hantavirus because he's normal.

Ned and I rallied enough to go to lesbian taco on Saturday night, which was delicious and full of your cute lesbians.

IMG_1619Then on Sunday we finally did those goddamn windows. You see that drawing of the guy falling off the ladder? He had a better time than we did. Oh my good god on a Tuesday. Each damn window had two damn storm windows, and a screen, and do you think any of those windows said, "Oh, yes! Hi! Please pinch my pinchy parts and we'll pop right up and down! We're flexible!" Do you think that happened? Because it did not. I broke two nails (Ned did a whole I'm disgusted jig each time I broke a nail, that once again I wish I'd captured on film) and had to use W-D 40 and also swear. What does the W-D stand for? Will Do 40? Washer Dryer 40? Willem Dafoe 40?

We cleaned windows for I think 17 hours. Or maybe three. Somewhere in there. But man, do they look nice now. I can't believe I have to move out of this house.

IMG_1629Last night, at like 8:30 because hello calm weekend, I went to bed and Ned was getting ready to leave, and I noticed you could see the reflection of us in my vanity mirror, over on the clean window. I'm talking clean.

So that sums everything up and now I have to go to work and write another Purple Clover column and teach my student, followed by coming home and packing and could you just kill me now?

Wearily,

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

81 thoughts on “In which I am so unfunny that I make a Willem Dafoe joke. You are going to Willem Defriend me.”

  1. I think it has to do with Water Displacement and (a) I don’t know how I know that, if it’s even correct and (b) now I’m kind of scared of myself.
    What I want to know is what happened with Preparations A through G.

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  2. I think it has to do with Water Displacement and (a) I don’t know how I know that, if it’s even correct and (b) now I’m kind of scared of myself.
    What I want to know is what happened with Preparations A through G.

    Like

  3. I think it has to do with Water Displacement and (a) I don’t know how I know that, if it’s even correct and (b) now I’m kind of scared of myself.
    What I want to know is what happened with Preparations A through G.

    Like

  4. I thought I was missing a term of endearment there, but then I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to upset Tee if I was mistaken.
    Plus I’m still freaked out over the WD-thing.

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  5. I thought I was missing a term of endearment there, but then I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to upset Tee if I was mistaken.
    Plus I’m still freaked out over the WD-thing.

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  6. I thought I was missing a term of endearment there, but then I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to upset Tee if I was mistaken.
    Plus I’m still freaked out over the WD-thing.

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  7. Fabulous post, frenetic June. That picture of Ned washing the windows is the most, um, attractive photograph of Ned you have ever posted. And I’m not so attractiable any more. Yet, still…
    And how sweet and poetic that last photo.
    If I ever rent a house I want to rent from you. When Ned found the mouse nest did he scream for Iris?

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  8. And what happened to Formulas 1 through 408?
    And I’ll get off Ned as soon as I come out of the shock that I wanted to get on Ned. Promise.

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  9. I see what PJ is saying, that is a super cute picture of Ned. He looks 20.
    Love this post and giggled mercilessly at the gypsy sentence.

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  10. WD-40 stands for water displacement Formula #40. I believe it was the guy’s 40th attempt to make the solution do what he wanted it to do.
    That’s my nerdy info contribution for today.

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  11. Monica is like Cliff on Cheers. Thank you, Monica! Also, I forgot to mention that when the handyman came over, he looked at my broken bathroom outlet and said, "What did you plug in here when it broke? Curling iron?"
    Curling iron. Men are funny funny people.

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  12. “You see that drawing of the guy falling off the ladder? He had a better time than we did.”
    And this is why I love BBP. Yay for clean windows AND Ned’s bravery fighting off bugs and mice to clean the shed. Living under all these trees, I have to fight off spiders each and every time I wash windows. And then the d*mn things return almost immediately. Thank goodness they don’t make me scream or I’d be hoarse by now.
    Terrific pictures. Now off to find the purple cow article.

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  13. I spit on my monitor twice this morning through spontaneous laughter: First with the “We walked in, as opposed to dancing in as we sometimes do to make an entrance” and secondly Bed, Bath, and Bark.
    I think I must be salivating over that Ned picture what with all the spit this morning. (Just kidding, I have my own hottie at home.)

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  14. I’M exhausted. Just from reading this. And thinking about all the windows I should be washing.
    And nobody needs an electrician more than I do. Came into the kitchen and turned on the under-cabinet lights and POP!!!!!! Something took out about four different outlets.
    I love Mondays. . . .

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  15. After seeing the Ned cleaning the window picture, I’m pretty sure you will never blog in the morning again after you guys move in together. Maybe not ever – you’ll be too busy with morning, noon, and nighters (not to mention some afternoon delight) to ever see your computer again. Hot hot hot.
    Anyway, your weekend sounds productive, and I’m glad you squeaked in some fun times too. Do you get to move in the weekend before the 30th, or do you have to wait until after? When are your renters moving in? Did you find a home for the piano?

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  16. Such a funny post!
    Oh my…that photo of Ned. The way his hair kind of swoops to the side and the way he looks so trim and handy and manly. Um, yeah…nice.
    I KNOW…I’M OFF, I’M OFF!
    You have a great sense of humor, because I would never let my husband take a photo with “pigpounder.com” over his head. He would think it a little TOO funny!
    That last reflection photo is so lovely.
    Handyman is totes under-selling himself. People pay a premium for his skills!

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  17. My coworker, who is from another country but has been here for FORTY EIGHT years, calls it Bed Bag and Behind. I die each time.

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  18. My coworker, who is from another country but has been here for FORTY EIGHT years, calls it Bed Bag and Behind. I die each time.

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  19. My coworker, who is from another country but has been here for FORTY EIGHT years, calls it Bed Bag and Behind. I die each time.

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  20. I’m thinking ANY man would look quite attractive if he were cleaning my windows.
    Now that doesn’t sound like what I meant.

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  21. I’m thinking ANY man would look quite attractive if he were cleaning my windows.
    Now that doesn’t sound like what I meant.

    Like

  22. I’m thinking ANY man would look quite attractive if he were cleaning my windows.
    Now that doesn’t sound like what I meant.

    Like

  23. What a fun post, and of course the commentors are on the ball. I am always so happy to spend part of my morning here at The Pie.
    Have y’all introduced Ned Kitty to the Princess and the Killer yet?

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  24. Awwwww, Edz has a boyfriend. Bed Bag and Behind!
    Cleaning windows is a nightmare. But don’t you feel a sense of accomplishment once they’re done, because they’re so pretty? Of course, they’re only pretty until the next rain.
    Had the stupid pinchy part windows in my house….which is exactly why I went into debt to replace them all with ones that tilt in. They’re like heaven.
    I love that reflection picture.

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  25. Your post wore me out. Years ago I was watching Mystery Science Theater and it was a movie about a big-city out-of-towner in a small southern town, and the sheriff walked in and Joel ad-libbed “I’m gonna Willem Dafoe all over you, boy” and I don’t know why but that was the funniest thing to me and I still randomly think of that….

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  26. At first and, well, every glance at the brewery picture of Ned, I am not seeing pig’s ears. I see it as your ode to Horny Ned.

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  27. You guys are gonna have to quell the humor here…I’m trying to disguise my activity as work. But they all know THIS WORK AIN’T FUNNY TINA! And now I have to lay myself down – exhausted from June’s weekend!

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  28. All I can picture is all the dead frozen bodies left on the mountain and how this might factor into the Ned scenario. Scary.
    An aside, but really, how can one get ANY enjoyment about climbing a mountain when there are so many dead frozen bodies strewn about on your way mounting? Makes no sense to me. If you ever read an article about the dead frozen bodies and tons of trash littered all the way up Mt. Everest, it’s disgusting. I sound like Debbie Downer today, don’t I? Must go take more Vitamin D.

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  29. Oy, the washing of windows! We added a beautiful sunroom to our home about 15 years ago. I adore my sunroom and it’s roominess 354 days of the year. The other two days I am fussing about it’s many, many, many windows in the 60 foot long, 20 foot deep room with 3 walls o windows. Blessedly roomy sunroom but it almost kills me to wash the windows twice a year. Good thing my husband knows to leave early to go to the golf course and come home late on those days and to bring his own supper home with him. And I even have the kind of windows that tilt in so are easy to get to but there are just a looooooot of them. Although I must say it looks so pretty when they sparkle. Except when the not-so-smart birds fly right into them afterwards cause they think there isn’t anything there.

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  30. I’m deciding if Pig Pounder is better or worse than Chubby Chaser. At least Pig Pounder implies some action.
    I also heard there was a Singles site and then a Kraft Singles site for plumper dating.

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  31. I’m deciding if Pig Pounder is better or worse than Chubby Chaser. At least Pig Pounder implies some action.
    I also heard there was a Singles site and then a Kraft Singles site for plumper dating.

    Like

  32. I’m deciding if Pig Pounder is better or worse than Chubby Chaser. At least Pig Pounder implies some action.
    I also heard there was a Singles site and then a Kraft Singles site for plumper dating.

    Like

  33. I knew as soon as I read about the handyman that Edsel HAD THE BEST DAY EVER!
    “C-shaped guy”. Hilarious!
    I liked your Purple Passionflower article about passion. Interesting food for thought.

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  34. AA, I’m with you. I think those dead frozen bodies are the ultimate creepiness, too! I wouldn’t want to go anywhere that is littered with dead bodies who tried the same thing I’m doing, and obviously failed.

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  35. i might giggle at your prep for moving woes if not for the fact that they remind me of my own. am so tired from all the work this weekend. 3700 sq ft home = lots of crap to go through. i will never accumulate this much stuff ever again!
    and yes, ned is quite the sexy looking man friend all hung up on that ladder.
    but then the photo in the mirror in the window gave me the warm fuzzies.
    i love june and ned – together.

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  36. The photo of Ned and his pig ears makes me giggle. Because it’s funny, not because I want to get on Ned. And if you would like to come and wash my windows, that would be great. Chores suck.

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  37. Before we got spiffy new, open-to-the-inside-when-you-clean-them-but-I-don’t windows, we had the old kind with the storms and the screens. We called them the Guillotine Windows, because you never knew – when you were fiddling with them – if one of them was going to come slamming down on your wrists and chop your hands off. It was exciting, in a French Revolution sort of way.

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  38. Paula, I’m really LATE to the party today, because I had a meeting this morning at 9:00 a.m. and was trying to get out of the house by 8:30 a.m., but didn’t have time to comment FIRST so I wouldn’t be late, but after spilling the tea in my car…I was late and wet for my meeting. Now I’m off to read all the comments.
    June, Ned looks really sexy in that photo of him cleaning the windows. I cracked up at the photo of Ned and the ears.
    It’s a shame your house is in such tip top shape now and your are leaving it. The renters should be thrilled.

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  39. Also, too? I asked my husband what the W-D stood for and he didn’t know, so I was going to read the label on my can of W-D 40 and it was not on my storage shelf, but I suspect it grew legs and ran to my husband’s workshop. I’ll let you know if I find the answer.

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  40. wait. hold. pause everything.
    did we debate the purple clover issue? because i want to. and if i missed that boat ima pissed.

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  41. The last photo of the reflection of you and Ned is really nice. That is ribbon winning quality of photography. I never thought I would say that at BBP.
    The comments are hilarious today. Bone china wins the prize.

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  42. All that washing and cleaning and repairing made me sweat or maybe it was the ladder picture of Ned. Not sure. No, sorry it was a hot flash.

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  43. You’re all so funny today I don’t know where to begin, so I’m not going to even try.
    But I did feel like mentioning that last night I was hanging out with some friends, one of whom is 54 and whose father is in town. The father is 95 years old and quite C-shaped. That severe stoop made me sad. But he has such kind eyes and still has a sharp mind.

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  44. You’re all so funny today I don’t know where to begin, so I’m not going to even try.
    But I did feel like mentioning that last night I was hanging out with some friends, one of whom is 54 and whose father is in town. The father is 95 years old and quite C-shaped. That severe stoop made me sad. But he has such kind eyes and still has a sharp mind.

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  45. You’re all so funny today I don’t know where to begin, so I’m not going to even try.
    But I did feel like mentioning that last night I was hanging out with some friends, one of whom is 54 and whose father is in town. The father is 95 years old and quite C-shaped. That severe stoop made me sad. But he has such kind eyes and still has a sharp mind.

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  46. OMG, you guys. That was at the end of an extremely long training class that I was giving for the two very young people on my team (23 and 24 years old). Was I ever that young? Wait, don’t answer that one. I could not have added 2 + 2 and gotten 4 after that class. Plus here in Bama they keep taking away days for weather related things in our public schools so I’ll just pretend I did that too. Insert smiley emoticon.

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  47. I am late to the party. Most excellent post, June! And your photography skills are top notch today. Top notch. First the adorable shot of Ned with his little ears and then the lovely shot which looks like the moon. June and Ned on the moon!
    I need to go to bed and at least try to sleep. Stress is kicking in around here. I fear we will be homeless soon if we don’t find a house. Maybe we’ll live in a van down by the river. If we had a van.

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