Stabbing and raping pumpkins is a really weird tradition, if you mull it over any

For breakfast, I'm having Ned's pumpkin flax granola with plain yogurt. Who the hell have I become?

Speaking of pumpkins and Ned, yesterday we schlepped out after work and be-pumpkined ourselves. IMG_1938"Go pose by the scarecrow," I said to Ned, and really, he should take that to a comedy club.

IMG_1939We each got a big one, and two cute small ones for ambience. There was a beautiful well-behaved Golden Retriever there, and I wondered aloud if that was the very Golden they called me about when I was out the door to get Edsel. Do you remember? Some rescue place had a Golden Retreiver puppy and I'd filled out an app, but by the time I got a call back I'd already been "approved" for Edsel. Approved. They couldn't GET me there fast enough. Poor Eds. Poor maligned Eds.
We went to Target for candy, where I saw glitter pumpkins and realized we didn't need to go get real ones. Glitter pumpkins would have made my life complete.


Oh. Whew!

IMG_1949What's cuter than dressing up your child as a Playboy bunny? My Little Porn Star.

IMG_1947HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! There was also a linebarker costume. Man, that Target oughta take it on the road. Or join Ned at his comedy club.

IMG_1963Ned. The face of determination.

IMG_1969Tallulah. The face of determination. You've never SEEN someone so determined to eat all the pumpkin guts. She'd grab a big string and have it hanging out her ridic mouth like she was a bear who'd just landed a salmon. Edsel joined her, but you could tell he wasn't into it. Kind of like later, when I sat with Ned while he watched the World Series.

IMG_1985I made flowers and Ned made a skull, which pretty much sums us up.

Later, as we watched the fascinating World Series, I might have come in with some Halloween candy. "What are you doing?" asked Ned, appalled. Y'all, I don't know if I can live with this kind of weird discipline. Who doesn't immediately eat the Halloween candy? "Do I need to get more? Will I need more before Friday?" asked Ned, who wears me out to my very bones. You eat one, maybe two, okay three pieces of Halloween candy and all of a sudden there's a world shortage.

This frustrates me so much that I might need a break. Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that–

…I'll be right back.



121 thoughts on “Stabbing and raping pumpkins is a really weird tradition, if you mull it over any

  1. Me too! I loved having a Halloween birthday as a kid. We walked home after school and had a birthday party, then went trick or treating as a group! Good times.


  2. I would like to join the discussion on the technology, minus the wine, I would be asleep in just a few minutes.
    Motorized division! Hilarious.
    We have never had any trick or treaters, which is kind of nice, no candy to buy and eat.


  3. PJ, I’ll come out of my cave in my inappropriately sized bison skin mumu and make us up some, well, I guess some bison and berry appetizers. We’ll discuss all this fancy technology over prehistoric wine and tough meat/tart berry canapes.


  4. 4 monster bags of candy and 90% chance of rain tomorrow night. Y’all come and we’ll eat candy and drink wine and get to know each other. Stage names only.
    Do you guys have Twitter accounts? Instagram? Is that a kind of cracker? I’m going back to my cave now and chew on a twig and stare at the fire.


  5. Boys with cool long hair I like. Jackson Browne, Eddie Vedder (yummy), Robert Plant (back in the day).
    Men whose hair will never make them cool, no matter what. Wayne Newton. Donald Trump. Those skinny heavy metal dudes with long, stringy hair. All yuck.


  6. Dear AA,
    I love you ’cause you make me laugh. Let’s go watch June modify a noun. Then we’ll both be pervs.


  7. Keli, “Griff” is June’s nom de plume for her Twitter account. She made him up. He’s like an imaginary friend. Who “says” all the things June is really thinking but does not want attributed to her.


  8. That kills me. Fluff fluff. What was her nickname or did she go by Halloween?
    Happy birthday tomorrow, Amy. At least, you weren’t named Halloween were you or is Amy just an alias?
    Sylvia, I did love the Neccos, but I loved anything sweet or supposedly sweet even the horrible paraffin coke bottles full of who-knows-what liquid. (Did I do that correctly, June?)


  9. ok, question. who is Griff? do we know him or do we just “know” him from the internet? I am very confused. and, speaking of Halloween, my great aunt was born on Halloween, and my great grandmother (who loved her the Rockin’ Rye) named her Halloween. true!!


  10. I was at a store this afternoon and the cashier asked how many trickShitdoIHypenOrNot-or-treaters I get and I said none because I live in the country. She said she gets about 20 kids, said once the big kids start coming with their pillowcases and no costume, she closes the door and shuts off the light. Must be kind of common everywhere.


  11. Still weird sounding, but I like it. People remember it. The non-Normal town is Bloomington. Do you know how many other Bloomingtons there are out there? Too many. Plus, I went to school in the REAL Bloomington – Bloomington, Indiana.


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