...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · Family · Friends · Hair · June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets · Not Grace Kelly · Travel

I have the feeling Ima be just as annoying in 2015.

It's the end of the year, FYI, and time for my end-of-year veedeo, and you've been around a long time if you know why I say "veedeo."

So long, 2014! You weren't all bad. (Click on the white "2014 Be Done" title at the top of the video, so it'll take you to YouTube, where you can CLICK THE DAMN X to get rid of the ad. THANKS, YOUTUBE.)

 

Hair · June's stupid life

Crap. Forgot a Title.

IMG_2356All if ever does is rain here. I mean, Christmas day was sunny, but that was like 49 days ago, right? I don't even know what day it is, other than we're at that weird purgatory between Christmas and Dick Clark.

What do you mean?

The point is, it feels like it's rained for 140 days and 19 nights, and my hair is not pleased. Or rather it is pleased; it's puffed up and bloated like Templeton at the fair. Last night, I stood up to roll my yoga mat after a particularly ardent session with Tracy Chapass (as Dancer called her in the comments the other night and am totally stealing that line), and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I mean, was I preheating the oven to place Hansel and Gretel in there? Was I getting ready to hang weird configurations of sticks about the forest? What I'm saying to you is, my hair said, "I'll get you, my pretty." And by "my pretty," it certainly didn't mean me.

By the time Ned came home, I'd showered, slathered 14 pounds of conditioner on my hair, and had it in two pigtails for sleeping in. "Hey, Pippy," said Ned, unfazed by Whatever She's Doing Now.

JunesavermeerSo here it is this morning, and I know I look rather like one of those old paintings of the Virgin Mary or maybe Jesus of Nazareth, yeah, Jesus of Nazareth, and I hope this gives me the ability to turn our water cooler into a big tank of wine, because someone's workday just got way interestinger.

Do you like that nail polish? It looks black in this light, but really it's dark gray. When I came home with it and screamed my fingers out in front of Ned for that hour's Whatever She's Doing Now, Ned said, "Midnight Caller?"

Pfft. Midnight Caller. Who does Ned think he is, being so off on my latest color? I recently had Midnight Caller on, which I think is a polite way of saying bootie call. Anyway, here's that shade.

MidnightMmmm-kayyyyy? I have no idea why I said it like that. Anyway, kind of a metallic gray. Or, more specifically, a metallic gray.

Here's what I have on currently:

01437-fashion-week-chic-gel-polish-colorFashion Week Chic. As you can see, they're worlds different. Ned is such a guy.

Really, you have to hand it to him for knowing my nail names. Ned is good at assimilating.

I have to go, as it is 8:27 and I am in my robe, which is a good sign re my 8:30 arrival at work. Before I go, I wanted to ask you what your dog would drink. Since they moved my desk, I now sit next to the nicest guy, who Ima call Zechariah, and that's not gonna get old at all, me having to Google Books of the Bible and look up how the hell to spell Zechariah each time.

The point is, he has three dogs, and in case you didn't know, I have two. We discussed what our dogs would order should they belly up to the bar. Haunch up to the bar.

"Well, one of my dogs appears to be gay, and that's okay," said Zechariah tolerantly. "So, mojito."

"OH MY GOD EDSEL WOULD SO ORDER A MOJITO!" I said a trifle enthusiastically. Then I may have done my Edsell impression, with the bottom teeth and the Edsel voice, which may or may not sound vaguely not so bright. "yes. moheeto if you pleese thank you."

Tallulah would get whiskey, neat. And none of that pretentious single-malt anything. She'd be fine with a well drink.

Yours?

Nazarethly,

June

June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

Hey! I have a Dry Idea!

Usually, I purchase some iteration of Secret, any scent but baby powder scent because why do I want to smell like a child molester, but this time I decided to mix it up and get another brand and boy, was that a mistake.

So many of my problems in this life are connected to the Internet, and this is one of them. I read some article, The Best Deodorant Out There or Your Life is Sad if This is What You Read About or something, and it said this one brand, which I don't want to trash by using its name, because mean, and Mr. and Mrs. Dry Idea and family will have a ruined holiday season, but the article said it was the best, and while it's true it never does that horrific staining-of-the-garments thing that is THE WORST, the reason it never stains your garments was because it doesn't go on.

Oh my lord, was that one sentence?

Like, you know how it is, right? You shower, you get out and dry off (are you getting turned on just picturing me?) and then you apply deodorant. Well, not THIS brand. If you have ONE MOLECULE of moisture on you, it will not work. ONE MOLECULE. You'll be tugging away with your stick of deodorant, and it'll be all, You THOUGHT of water just now! Uh-uhhhh! It even does a little indignant head bob.

So I find myself now scrubbing at myself furiously with my towel, which currently is from The Ned Collection, and it's a manly butterscotch color, and in my whole life I never thought I'd use a towel from the brown family but there it is. Life throws the curve balls at you.

June's blog. Stay for the sports analogies.

I mean, I could have summed up that whole thought with, My new deodorant is buggin'. But what makes me heroic is I haven't rushed out and bought a new stick of reliable-but-leaves-you-doing-your-Jack-White-impression-with-the-white-stripe-on-your-garment Secret. I like how I keep saying "garment" like I'm from some foreign country. Like I'm Latka.

I love this video. It's exactly what I feel like when they give me the gas at the dentist.

Anyway.

Last night The Poet, who hails from Iowa and it's weird when she turns into small icy rocks like that, came back from Christmas with her family in Elmira, except it wasn't Elmira, it was Iowa and I just TOLD you that, ya nincompoop.

Anyway, The Poet flew in from Iowa and the TALL BOY, who's ALSO from Iowa, flew in from Iowa, too, both a little after 9 p.m., but on completely different flights. Ned and I schlepped out to the airport to get them because we are magnificent people. Both of their flights were early and I don't know what to tell you about all this efficiency out of Iowa.

The point is, when The Poet came down the concourse, I pretended we hadn't seen each other in years, and did extremely dramatic fake crying and screeched down the hall with my arms out. The Poet is a quiet Iowa-type person, so you can imagine her joy at my display. I swooped her right up and hugged her and said, 'It's me! June!"

Then when everyone got settled and we were headed to baggage claim, I said, "How was everyone in Iowa?"

The Poet said, "Well, everyone in my family was throwing up, so."

 

That was precisely what I wanted to hear.

I'm going to work today and tomorrow, then I took the 31st off and they gave us the Onest off, too, because everyone gets the Onest off. In unrelated news, am going to stare at self in mirror and sing If a Picture Paints a Thousand Words, for my use of "onest."

Does anyone have any new year's resolutions? Those always fascinate me. Also, will someone buy me a Fitbit Flex? The slate blue one? Am obsessed with how bad I want one and am too cheap to purchase. Maybe if I call Mr. Fitbit and say, "Will you send me a free one, just this onest time?" he'll mail me one.

Okay, going. It's raining here and no one will go out to pee and I'm worried sick, and may have to walk outside with an umbrella over my dogs like they're P Diddy. Except they're Won't-Pee Diddy.

Am on fire today.

Deodorantly,

June

P.S. Crap. Forgot to plug latest Purple Clover article.

Family · Uncle Jim

True Confessions

Somehow this morning I got on the topic my my gramma's Real Romance magazines and now I'm obsessed.

My grandmother had a relatively large house–I mean, it was four bedrooms, and it had an upstairs and a downstairs and a large dining room with really cool open-in-with-a-latch windows that I failed to appreciate till I was old, and also a knotty pine kitchen, and I chose the house we rented in LA due to the knotty pine kitchen alone. Our tasteless landlady, who'd "updated" our 1920s house with brass everything and beige carpet, had threatened to "update" the kitchen and it would have been over my dead body had she removed that knotty pine while I was still living there.

Really, when you look at all the things I like, most of those things are because my grandmother had them at some point, for example screen doors with the person's initial in the metal. LOVE.

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Anyway, despite her large-ish house, gramma had one bathroom only, which I guess is what people did in the old days, although I don't know how the hell you have five kids and a husband and one bathroom. Oh, and no shower, either. You had to take baths. I mean, that's efficient. Was everyone just late every day, or…?

By the time I came around, all of gramma's kids had gone except for my Uncle Jim, who tormented me reguarly, and my Aunt Kathy, who was already dating my Uncle Leo and in college and basically not home. So the upstairs was a pretty empty place, and the only reason you went up there was to go to the bathroom, and it was kind of dark and scary up there, and please see earlier reference to my Uncle Jim, who was a jerk.

He'd creep into one of the empty bedrooms and just quietly growl from the dark as I walked by. Or sometimes, if it was daytime, he'd go under a bed or lie on the landing with his eyes rolled back in his head. The worst part was, WEEKS would go by and he'd fail to scare me, either because he was bored or he was the most diabolical, evil person on earth (I suspect option 2), so I'd get complacent, and go pee all cheerfully and

BAM

out he'd jump from a bedroom and scare the CRAP right out of me, which is unfortunate seeing as I was just out of the bathroom.

But I digress.

The OTHER part of gramma's bathroom, the unscary, un-Uncle Jim part, was that you could spend many a delightful time in there. It smelled of Dove pink soap and Jean Nate and cigarettes, and there was a squishy toilet seat and it was warmer in there than the rest of the house, maybe because it was so small.

If this weren't lovely enough, on a little stool across from the toilet were gramma's many books and magazines, including, if I recall correctly, the book Mandingo, and please see above reference to how anything gramma had I later went on to like.

June's gramma. Encouraging June to ask for the dark meat, since 1965.

Not ONLY were there good romance novels up there, but also scads of magazines with titles like True Romance, True Confessions, Real Romance, Frustrated Housewife, There's No Internet Yet, and so on.

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As I recall, these magazines were pretty racy. I remember my cousin Brigid and me–and right there is a bad combination at all times, always–taking a stack of those magazines, closing the door to one of the upstairs bedrooms, and reading aloud to each other in a screamy whisper voice as we learned words like "manhood" and phrases including "peaks of ecstasy."

I must have been about 8 when I read one of those stories on my own, and in it, a woman and her husband were getting ready in the morning, and he did something dreamy and romantic, and our heroine said she wished it was time for bed right then and there.

"God, she just woke up," I remember thinking. "Why does she wanna go back to sleep now? Weirdo."

When I was a teenager, I got a big stack of those magazines from gramma's house. I can't remember if she was throwing them out or what, but my best friend Donna and I splayed across the couch reading those stories out loud, and we didn't have to use whisper screamy giggly voice.

One woman had finally bagged some dude named Frankie, and they had athletic coitus. Our fearless narrator reported to us: "A drop of sweat from Frankie's nose. A precious gift."

You can imagine. My friend Donna and I will STILL say that to each other, and guess who's pissed that Christmas just passed? Because I so want to send her a vial with a small amount of liquid right now, because what a precious gift.

The point of all this is, I've spent the last hour online trying to read articles from those magazines circa 1970-1980, and the only choice you have is to buy them on eBay for ten thousand dollars apiece. What a rip. I totally shoulda saved gramma's volumes from back then.

They'd be a precious gift.

...friend/Ned · Beauty products · June's stupid life · My pets

Our national nightmare it over! It’s Dec. 26!!

Okay, so Christmas wasn't so bad, after all. Shaddap.

I never had time to list more of your good deeds yesterday, as I was, you know, Christmasing, and I think if we do these next year I won't even TRY to list 'em. There're just so many now, which is good. But if you want to read about everyone's good deeds, we can have one blog post where everyone goes to announce them. I'm sure that will abstain from being a cluster.

Thank you to everyone who participated, and to my good deed partner, Lisa Not THAT Lisa, for all her deeds.

I guess I'll recap my Christmas day for you, which will be new and different, seeing as not every single human being on Facebok has made you look at their family portrait while they wear a Santa hat or anything.

On the 23rd, one of the Alexes at work did something spectacular. She had these FABULOUS sparkly deer in her office, and when I saw them, I did such a dance of I-LOVE-these that they filmed me. It's Alex's video and it's from her phone and not on YouTube, so you'll have to trust me on the dance. Here. I took a screen shot of a moment from it.

Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 10.18.20 AMYeah.

The point is, when I got to work on the 23rd, GUESS WHAT WAS ON MY DESK!?!

IMG_2311THE SPARKLY FUCKIN' DEER! She gave me the sparkly deer! My life. Complete. LOOK HOW THEIR EARS ARE LEAFS!! LEEEEEFS!

On Christmas Eve, I made chili and I also made biscuits–FROM SCRATCH. I have always liked that phrase, and never understood what the fuck it means, but I always think of someone scratching their arm and biscuits come out.

Anyway, that's what I did, I am not even kidding you, and oh, I think I may have even photographed it. Hang on.

IMG_2312See? Ish?

IMG_2315Here's me and my hair, sitting in front of the stove, watching the biscuits like a jealous lover. Then I got bored with watching them like a jealous lover and wandered off and they almost burned.

IMG_2314Lu not wonder off. lu watch biskits hole time. haff fow kus.

The point is, delicious. Not completely burned, and that is the bar I've set for myself.

On Christmas, Ned made a pork tenderloin, or a dead pig, as my vegetarian stepfather called it. He also made mashed potatoes and asparagus.

I made a salad. Hey, I make my own dressing. It was exhausting.

IMG_2319I got Ned three books and he got me three necklaces. I guess we know each other's things at this point. Anyway, here are two of the necklaces he got me. PRETTY, right? Did not at all send him links for these via Etsy or anything.

The blue one makes me think of a cough drop. Hey, suck on my Halls of Mentholiptus!

IMG_2322Here's a super-clear photo of the last necklace. Goddammit. Anyway it's two birds flying off with a vintage key, yet another thing I did not at all send to Ned as a subtle hint.

IMG_2325The best thing of all was this picture. When we first viewed this house, this picture was in the living room. We both love It's a Wonderful Life, and when we saw this hanging, we said, "It's a sign!"

When I opened this picture yesterday, I burst into tears.

"I thought this house needed this picture back," Ned said, crying also, perhaps manfully, and we are gross.

IMG_2343While Ned cooked, I played with my Christmas gifts.

IMG_2330My Aunt Mary sent me a whole bag of makeups, because she knows how I am. Yesterday I did a glycolic peel!

IMG_2331My forehead wrinkle and I also played with my new lipstick she sent me, and after I saw this photo I realized I was dangerously close to making duck face.

IMG_2332Whoot, there it is.

IMG_2326Tallulah and I set the table, because helpful? Oh and by the way, it's Christmas. Did you know that? You'd never guess based on my table, but it is. Christmas.

IMG_2344Edsel knew it was annual Beat Edsel Day. Can anyone tell me why that spoiled dog walks around so hangdog? edz sure hope he get feeded just wonce this week.

IMG_2327Oh my GOD, are we ever going to eat? While Ned continued Julia Child-ing, I exchanged loving texts and calls with people.

IMG_2317With my friend Charlie, for example.

20141225_171201_resizedAfter all that, once we ate, it was 14 seconds of our life, and then we took the curs for their walk, followed by Edsel's yuletide flog. Faithful Reader Happy sent a bag of gifts to all of us, including canned food for the cats, and once I poured that out, it was cat chaos at our house. NedKitty shoved Lily aside and ate out of HER dish, so Lily went to NedKitty's room and ate HER bowl, but both Lily and NedKitty got full, and Iris finished off all three bowls, including the dry stupid hypoallergenic old lady cat food that was UNDERNEATH NedKitty's can of food.

We were on PukeWatch '14 all night, but Iris proudly kept it all down.

Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 10.49.56 AMArmed with Fancy Feast and hate, she even tried smacking NedKitty in the head later, but due to her, you know, blindiness, she swung from down here and wasn't even six inches from NK's face. NedKitty was not impressed.

Anyway, that was our Christmas, and I am glad we're back to relative normalcy. I have no plans for New Year's, do you? No one invites us anywhere. Said the person with 10 nights in a row of social engagements this month.

I'll talk at you later. Stay sane, and keep your kibble down.

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

Sleigh Bells Ring, They’re Annoying

My hatred for this holiday has not improved one iota since I experienced World's Busiest Day at Work yesterday ohmygod. We got out of work early, though, and Ryan came and hung out after, and I know you all envy old Mrs. Robinson/Pamela Smart/Dinah Shore, over here. In unrelated news, Edsel has a new One Truu Love. He's out getting his Ryan tattoo on his forepaw as we speak.

I'd love to tell you about the stuff Ned and I did last night, and no it's NOT filthy, but Ima share with you some of your good deeds now. There are literally hundreds of them, and I don't think I can list them all, as it will take six days to do so, but we should be happy to know that we made the world a little more tolerable during this most depressing season.

Or is that just me?

Oh, and before I begin, my mother called to say her computer isn't working so I'm supposed to tell Melvie that she bought coffee for the person behind her at Tim Horton's, she let people in front of her in all traffic and grocery store situations she could, and she got a list of what the animal shelter needed and bought it and is taking it over to them.

Other good deeds from all y'all (and Outcast Lee, as I write this, Ned is schlepping Tall Boy to the airport, another good deed from him. Heyyyyy, guy my girlfriend used to sleep with! Let's go to the unbusy airport together!) (Do you think they're talking about my breasts and nudging each other? God, I hope so.)

OHMYGOD let's get started. Here are some of the good things you've done this dumb season…

One-good-deed-hero-6bb68fbb-0bdf-4b48-958d-621a2d8025c4-0-640x360
I left an opening for some lady to cut across three lanes of traffic yesterday. And even though she did not give me the courtesy wave I waved and smiled at her. Hey, I'm starting small.

I came out of Trader Joe's to see a man in a wheel chair just finishing putting his groceries in the back of a SUV. He could hardly reach into his basket (buggy to you Southerners), as he was at the same level as the top of the basket. I told him I would return the basket to the corral, but he proudly told me he could do it. Being the bossy woman that I am, I ripped it from his hands and returned it to the corral. JK I nicely told him I would do it and did it.

I became acquainted with a young lady from a very small country who had never had a Christmas tree. I invited her over for dinner and decorating. She was thrilled to decorate her first ever Christmas tree.

While in line to checkout at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of us was purchasing a huge birthday cookie in a bakery box she could just barely get her arms around. As soon as we exited the store, we assisted her with loading the box in her trunk.

So my first random act was to let every single car that was trying to merge into traffic go ahead of me. Not all at the same time, because that would just be rude to those behind me, but randomly throughout the day. And may I just say that I HATE when they don't acknowledge my good deed.

Yesterday I donated to our local mission. Peoples can eat now! Which, is like, necessary.

There's a very nice homeless man named Bob who I see around town all the time. He was at the gas station this morning sweeping up the parking lot, so I asked him if I could get him anything from inside. He politely asked for a ginger ale, so I bought him two cans.

Yesterday at work I put money into the coffee fund jar. I don't even drink coffee but I thought I would help fund the habit for my fellow teachers.

I started my good deeds yesterday by, like many others, letting several people in front of me in traffic.

Jbluehouse, I started my good deeds in your name yesterday by, like many others, letting several people in front of me in traffic. None of them waved either. Central PA drivers are obviously not wavers, although I always try to.

I also put a sizable donation in the Salvation Army bucket in front of my local Kmart, and even told the bell-dinger guy (I'm sure that's his official title).

I paid for the coffee of the car behind me at the drive through today. Hopefully it started a chain reaction.

Yesterday I started knitting another hat to give away to someone in need.

[I'm] providing 100 teddy bears and back packs to homeless orphans.

I put together a little fun run/walk thing for our neighborhood on Thanksgiving morning, and said to bring non perishable food items instead of a registration fee. Finally made the run up to the food bank with the donations yesterday.

I gathered the uncut, decorative pumpkins on our cul de sac, took them to a local park and chucked them into the woods for the raccoons et al. Removed fall and fed critters in one act.

I let 2 people go ahead of me at the DMV.

We have been wracked by thunderstorms. I awoke before dawn to go outside to change all five of our hummingbird feeders so that the birds would have warm, fresh sugar water waiting for them when they awoke after a night that could not have been pleasant. Since I love birds as much as I do people, does this count?

Filled out paperwork for the young man ahead of me at the lab. His right hand was in a cast.

Allowed three frantic mothers out of the school parking lot ahead of me (generating Aloha wishes and waves).

Told an elder woman how lovely she looked while grocery shopping. Seriously, she was put together for being at the Big Save at 8:30 am.

I do a fundraiser that buys a premium coffee for deployed service people. Today, I bought a coffee in the name of each person who has contributed so far, which is 29. So 29 additional coffees today for troops!

Today, while out Christmas shopping, I helped a lady on a motorized scooter by taking down things she wanted to look at on a shelf too high for her to reach. I put them back on said shelf, too!

Today a stranger came to my door looking for his lost dog. He told me where he lived, if saw the dog. I drove around looking for the poor thing, to no avail.

I work on a military installation and made donations to two separate packages for deployed troops.

I bought coffee for three servicemen who were behind me in line at the SBux. I carted trash cans up to the garage for two elderly neighbors. I brought the paper in for one of them. I helped a lady with a couple of kids push an uncooperative cart to her car at the Target. Bonus: Her kids were so fixated on the stranger pushing their cart they stopped screaming temporarily.

After walking the dog at 6am, the trash guys came to visit, it was trash day, gave out 4 $10 Target gift cards.

On a walk today I picked up the tipped-over empty garbage cans and took the cans up to the sides of the houses for two old people.

I tipped the brush men who do yeoman duty picking up our huge piles of brush every blessed week year 'round.

Today a friend and I took her elderly neighbor shopping in the rain. And I let cars merge in front of me (in the rain).

I was rushing trying to get my mom to the doctor and traffic was a mess and I let a poor guy out of a side street with traffic backed up at least a half mile behind me.

I donated several scarves to a local nursing home.

I purchased toys and clothes for a foster child in our community as part of a program at work.

I paid for breakfast for the car of teen-agers behind me at McDonald's.

I gave my yard man a bonus for his hard work all year. He was working with his helper in the pouring-down rain yesterday. And for you dirty-minded pieps, that bonus would be in the form of money.

I participated in keeping a thirty-year tradition alive by working with a few other neighbors to make Christmas tree ornaments for everyone in our subdivision.

I'm choosing to rejoice with the couple getting married at our church on Christmas morning. Instead of resenting the fact that my husband has to be abscent Christmas Eve afternoon and Christmas morning. I'm even sending a gift and a tin of baked goodies.

The contractor who has done thousands of dollars in repairs on my 100-year-old house is married with 5 kids. His wife has cancer and is undergoing chemo right now and has good days and bad ones. My contractor often works until 9:00 or 10:00 at night. I'm mailing them a gift card for a pizza place so that when his wife just doesn't have it in her to deal with trying to make sure dinner is made for the kids, she can have pizzas delivered instead.

Stoppped in Starbucks for a latte and a yogurt. Ordered and paid, and while waiting, I spotted a senior man sitting glumly with no drink of food in front of him. I went over to him and asked if I could get him anything and he asked if I could help him get something to eat. By this time, the line was out the door and there was no way I'd make it to work by 10am, but I got on the line, ordered him a breakfast sandwich, paid and asked the counter guy to make sure the man got it. Then I told the man that his sandwich was coming and I left for work.

I mailed a musical birthday card to a young boy with Down's Syndrome who was asking for a big ol' pile of birthday cards for his birthday.

At the pet store I donated to the guide dog fund. I gave my daughter's friend, who lives in the opposite direction from us, a ride home. And I sent two cards for Chemo Angels/Senior Angels, one to a cancer patient and one to a housebound senior.

I was driving home in the dark, minding my own business doing the speed limit. Mr. White-important-home-improvement-named-van was riding my bumper because obviously the speed limit is not good enough when he cannot pass me. His headlights were blinding me, instead of lifting the middle finger salute and slamming on my brakes, I did the noble simple act of kindness for us both and pulled over to the side and let him pass. The effer!

I had posted a picture of something in my house on Facebook…my friend commented and said I WANT YOUR TABLECLOTH…it's a pretty antique lace tablecloth…so I promptly took it off the table…washed it and wrapped it up and dropped it off at here workplace this morning…she text me and said she was crying 🙂

I donated to the Cup of Joe for a Joe charity that Kathi posted the link to in the comments yesterday. I am always grateful for our servicemen & women, but it really gets to me when I think of them being away from their families during the holidays.

KEEK! alert Deb who is back to being Deb:

My wonderful office, but stingy admin. staff, doesn't provide decent coffee creamer. A few of us buy our own, put our names on them, and keep them in the shared fridge. I started writing on mine "hot in az – and i will happily share with anyone who wants some!"

I have a hotel sales rep who lives in NC but whose territory is the West Coast, which makes her travel for weeks at a time. My RAOK for yesterday was to invite her to my house for a homemade dinner.

I did manage to buy coffee for the car behind me. And also probably a muffin or something, otherwise, that was one expensive coffee! I also threw a couple of bucks in the Salvation Army can at my hair stylist's place.

I was at a lunch yesterday and a lady in my group stood up, waiving her arms and looking wild-eyed. When asked, she nodded that she could not breathe. I jumped up and did the Heimlich.

A brother and sister in their 50s were waiting on their mother's valve replacement surgery. The brother really wanted to play cards but his sister wouldn't play with him. He tried another woman and she wouldn't play, either. So I went to their table and told him I'd play if he taught me how. He was dealing those cards before I finished my sentence. And he dealt his sister in. She sighed and shook her head and played. So I helped him pass some long hours at a game I couldn't care less about. By the time I was called out, two more people had joined in. I looked in an hour later and they were still playing–with more new people.

I have a lovely and humble coworker who has a very critically ill adult child in Honduras. We took up a fund to cover her airplane tickets. She's going to be blown away when she opens the card from everyone.

I adopted an angel from the senior citizen angel tree. His name is Henry and he is 77 years old. The reason I chose him is because among the items on his wish list were issues of Sports Illustrated and People Magazines. Go, Henry! I will be shopping and wrapping his gifts tomorrow.

I went to the grocery store today and there was an elderly couple sitting in the entryway behind a Salvation Army kettle. They were all bundled up and the gentleman was ringing a bell. I stopped and put some money in the kettle for Sandra and took the time to chat with the couple.

My daughter's last PT is today…got each of her therapists boxes of Flipz chocolate covered pretzels since they helped her get closer to being able to do her "Flipz!"

I gave a large box of chocolates to the nursing staff at my mother's care facility.

I made a donation to the Salvation Army today.

I let two people ahead of me in line at the grocery store (one actually *budged* but I would have let him ahead of me anyway…he just had a pack of gum). AND I gave my Kleenex box to another teacher who needed it in her office (even though I still NEED THE KLEENEX).

We are doing a toy drive for homeless kids and I brought in a bunch of toys.

I made a nice comment on Facebook this morning to someone who is sort of a former friend and with whom I don't have contact anymore. She has recently lost a lot of weight and I seconded someone else's comment and added my own flattering two cents.

A door to door young salesman was admiring my various pumpkins still sitting at the front door. He called them squash and asked if I was going to do anything with them and I said maybe cook them. (yeah sure, along with all the other things my house is full of that I am "going" to do) He admired one especially and said he cooked it before and really liked it so I gave it to him. I almost feel guilty for using it because it was so easy and he was so thrilled.

I did a small good deed today. I was waiting to get some lab work done and the woman next to me was quite worried so I talked with her and calmed her down some and took her mind off things. She seemed much calmer when she was called back for her lab work.

I did a good deed by filling in for someone who was out sick at work. Not how I planned to spend my day off, but it's ok.

I let EVERYONE go ahead of me in line at the grocery store. Just kept shooing them ahead of me until there was no one left. THEN the lady right in front of me was 26 cents short and I didn't have any change, (and the cashier just stood and stared at her) so I paid for her whole order. It was only 18 bucks, but still.

I helped a really annoying girl at work with her project that involved computer crap she doesn't know and I let her take all the credit for it.

I donated some toys to Toys for Tots. It was also in memory of my niece, Olivia.

I was shopping and found a $300 to $400 handbag on clearance for $139. I was paying for my items and the lady behind me was admiring it and really gushing so I let her buy it.

I gave the guy that filled my gas tank a huge tip. "Merry Christmas", I said, as I drove away. I get the feeling no one has ever tipped him before.

I saw a car in a parking lot yesterday that had its lights on. I walked over to it and there was an elderly man waiting in the passenger seat. I told him his lights were on. He turned them off. I know. I am impressed as well.

I helped a lady unload her cart of groceries into the trunk of her car so she could get out of the rain faster. Then I took her cart back for her.

At a work event on Friday, I saw a women in the washroom unrolling reams of toilet paper to blow her nose. I had a package of tissues in my purse, so I gave it to her. Not the budget store brand (which I usually buy), but real Kleenex! She was so grateful–she'd come down with a sinus cold and had already run out of tissues by 8:30 in the morning, and her nose was sore and red.

I told a cashier that he was giving me back $10 too much change. I also let an older lady in front of me in a store which sells smelly lotions, candles and air freshener things. It was making me nauseated to stand there but I was trying to be nice.

[That's all for now. Bye for now, as Eric the Actor would say. Jan will be the only one who laughs at that. Anyway, these good deeds were only from the first week, so you can imagine how many more there are! I'll give a few more tomorrow, but thanks, everyone, for participating, especially my partner because I'm a lesbian, Lisa not THAT Lisa.]

...friend/Ned · June's stupid life · Other people's pets

The one where June mentions how she likes it when people say Christmas Eve day

A few weeks ago, my friend Jo borrowed my sari and my wig for a party, and no, I DON'T know what kind of freak-ass parties she goes to. It's my Dress Like an Eastern Indian party! Later, we'll take calls from American customers!

Was that racist?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The point is, this bedroom is in chaos because I keep wrapping paper and ribbon and so on in my cedar chest, so I had to open that, and take everything down from on top of it and who cares. The point is, I ran into my black wig just now and totally put it on to go help Ned make the bed.

Photo on 12-23-14 at 7.40 AM #2"How do I look?" I asked, prancing in brunette-ly.

Ned studied me for a while. "You look….demented."

Hmpf.

Have I mentioned I cannot wait till Xmas is over? And that I need a nose job, stat? Tomorrow I will list your good deeds, and probably I will list them on Christmas day, as well, as I feel like there are 58484853939 deeds to list. And I can't wait to try to do a search and see the ones that only say, "Oh, I forgot. KEEK." Somewhere you will feel a small stab, and that is me with the voodoo doll of you.

HAAAAAAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Last night my student canceled, and we are getting together Christmas Eve day, which makes no sense, "eve day," and I love it when people say that. We are getting together on the 24th. I will give her her gifts and I hope she licks them.

Oh goddammit. LIKES. I hope she LIKES them.

IMG_2298The point is, because the evening was free, I did some shopping for a change and got gifts for a change and I hope everyone licks them. Afterward, I met Ned for dinner at Cafe Europa, a place he'd go to every Wednesday before he met me because they had half-price salads or something. He'd always eat at the bar, and talk to the bartenders, and then when he started dating me he'd bring me in and they were all, yay. You found a demented-looking woman who licks gifts!

Last year we were there in November, and one of the bartenders said, "How long you two been dating, anyway?" Our anniversary is in January, so I said, "Two years." Ned corrected me. "ALMOST two years."

You can imagine. Why on earth would you have to correct me and say ALMOST two years? We were less than TWO MONTHS from it being two years at the time. Oh my god, I was irritated. Ned did this whole math thing just because he knew I wouldn't be able to argue, about how, like, we had 18% of the year to go before it was a full two years or something. I should have dumped him right there on our year and 82% anniversary.

Anyway, now we're less than a month from having dated three years, or as Ned calls it, ALMOST three years.

I've never dated anyone this long. I mean, I married Marvin and stayed married to him for 14 years, but we didn't even date for three years. We were married before we'd dated for two years. We'd dated ALMOST two years when we got married.

Back in my teens and 20s, I was more of a "six months to a year and you're out. Next." Kind of gal. You'll be stunned to hear I did a lot of huffing off dramatically with my breakups. One guy I was crazy about, when I was 27? 28? 26? Somewhere in the middle, there. He invited me to go to northern Michigan for the weekend, which is beautiful by the way and you should go but NOT NOW because you will freeze your clitoris right off. Plink. There will be your frozen clitoris, staring angrily at you from the icy sidewalk.

On the spring day that I was there with this guy, it was sunset and we were on a dock, splitting a bottle of wine, when he told me he'd probably never love me. Can you imagine? First of all, how can you not love All This?

Naturally I huffed off, except we were on vacation and we'd just had six pounds of wine. So we had to spend the night together knowing we were broken up. That was a restful night. I remember the next day were the LA riots, which started because everyone was so mad at that guy for never loving me. That was May of 1992, so that'd put me at 26 years old. Dang.

Months later, I was moving to Seattle, and he came over dramatically in the middle of the night, because someone had told him I was going. He said, "I think I was in love with you."

Oh my god, I have NO IDEA how I got on this tangent. Oh, right. Cafe Europa. Ned. ALMOST two years that's now ALMOST three years. It's all coming back to me. Won't you join me in my head? It's so peaceful here.

The point is, I'm going to work today and I feel like there will be four people with me. My boss has the day off but he's stopping by with his dog, Doug, who is a Great Pyrenees, and you can guess whose idea THAT was, that we have Take Doug to Work Day. Oh my god I love Doug.

Tallulah is still shaking, by the way. And if you ask me her foot doesn't really look any better. I have no idea what's up.

Okay I'd better go shower and join the many people at work. Yesterday was surprisingly worky, a thing I heartily resented. I think it will be today, too. Work. On Christmas Eve Eve day, which makes no sense, still.

If I don't talk to you, have a happy Christmas if you're into that sort of thing.

Seasonally,

June

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

And THAT is why I don’t like Jan

A few weeks ago, I asked you all to give me a story that ended, "And THAT is why I don't like corn." It's an old family joke with Ned's people, in which Ned's brother-in-law just burst out with that line one day, with no context whatsoever.

I promised that the best "and that is why I don't like corn" story would win the coveted jumping lederhosen.

6a00e54f9367fb883401b8d0a42840970c-800wi

Today is the day we've all been waiting for. The day I announce the big winner, and seeing as the title of my post reveals the winner's name, you must be on pins and needles right now.

Congratulations, Jan, for your funny line that made zero sense and that is why I liked it:

Your father is a good-time Charlie and THAT'S why I don't like corn.

Please alert me where to allegedly send your lederhosen, and talk to BStar, who has been waiting for her Abraham Lincoln Band-Aids for three years.

Talk at you all later. I am exhausted. In the comments, let's all talk about why we don't like June. Or why June should wear more lederhosen. Whichev.

...friend/Ned · Drag Queen envy · Eyebrows Light and Dark · June's stupid life

Screaming in to say ho. Which is not at all polite and who needs to type better, do you think?

I really meant to type "hi," and my nails have grown too long. I've had a gel manicure on them since Thanksgiving and all of a sudden I'm Cher. Remember how she had the nails? God, I wanted nails like that in the worst way. I had no idea in 1975, when I was lusting for them, that they'd really interfere with my blog.

We got home at 1:00 a.m. today, having gone to Raleigh for not one but two celebrations, because we're Kim and Kanye. First was Ned's family party, that always takes place first in a bowling alley–a really cool old one where you have to keep score by yourself and what is this, 1974?

IMG_2247That's right. You see it. Kind of. Shut up. Anyway, 103!!!! What a bowler. Maybe it's because I already bowled this week. I'm a professional now. June's Photography and Bowling Tips Seminar. Sign up now! Seats are going fast.

After the bowling portion of the day, we all schlep on over to Ned's brother's house for Christmas. Every year there's a theme, and this year the theme was White Trash, or as Ned's sister-in-law called it, Anglo-Refuse-American.

Yes, I DO love Ned's sister-in-law. Why do you ask?

IMG_2249No stone was left unturned, and the sad part is, EVERYTHING WAS DELICIOUS, if you ask me.

IMG_2250Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, pork rinds, bologna, cut-up hot dogs on toothpicks, Ritz crackers and spray cheese food.

Hell, yeah.

IMG_2256Look at June, all bonding with children like a normal member of society. This kid is particularly cool, and she laughs at my jokes, so. Plus, we look related, don't we?

IMG_2253What's sad is I absolutely know Ned's family poured out that beer to put in the beef jerky and lottery tickets, when I'd have been happy to take that PBR right off their hands.

IMG_2269Ned's mom (left) and stepmother really like each other. Isn't that cute? They went to high school together, so it's funny to hear them talk about some girl they both didn't like, or whatever. It'd be like if my friend Dave Newman married Marvin and I got to come to their events, which by the way, Dave and Marvin, if you two decide to do that, I cannot think of anything more fun.

We finally got to the presents part, and I wish you could have seen how far into the room the gifts extended past that tree. Good gravy. Anyway, Ned and I got a big speaker for our TV, which is great, because as a housewarming we got Chromecast for the TV, so now we can scream our music from our computers out the TV, and won't you be over soon to hear Dancing Queen come out of the TV?

IMG_2285We also got this CUTE CUTE CUTE birdhouse from Ned's mom!

deeR Ned MoM,

theenk you fer burdhouwse. delishis.

love,

eyeriss

Last night, Ned's sister-in-law was trying to refer to all our pets, and she called my cats Blindy and Other Cat. They are so going by those names from now on.

IMG_2273Blindy.

IMG_2278The Other Cat.

What fur everywhere? What you mean?

You know what's easy? Taking photos of your cats when they're just running around living life. Lily (T.O.C.) likes to sit under the shower curtain on the bathroom rug, and that would have been an ADORABLE picture, but guess who ran as soon as I lifted the curtain? Dick.

IMG_2292Ned's stepmom was at an art show with her son, who normally lives in England but is home for Christmas. They came across a table that had all vintage wreaths and corsages, and she picked this one up and said to her son, "You haven't met June yet, but she will love this." You can imagine his trepidation at meeting me.

Dood. LOOK AT IT! Look at the one angel, who has angry dark eyebrows like I do now. IMG_2263Behold the brows. Ned's stepmom = prescient. Even better? IT JINGLES. The corsage, not my brows. There are BELLS in it. In my world, every time a bell rings, a drag queen gets her wings.

I pinned that MoFo right onto my coat and we went to the party at Ned's friends' house. I love Ned's friends. They're always really nice to me, plus also everyone was way up in my nice corsage. At the end of the night I told someone we had to go, because I had to return my corsage to the Minimalist Museum.

There were three dogs at the party, and as you know, I base my time at a party on how many pets there were and did they let me pet them. One grumpy large dog showed his teeth to us, so B+. The other dogs were muffins.

I gotta get ready for Chris and Lilly's party now, because Kim and Kanye. I totally called it–I'm Kanye.

Ima let you finish.

June

Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · June's stupid life

Countdown to January 2

You're going to be mighty impressed, but at my work bowling event last night, I rolled a 66 and a 69. When I got a 69, Ryan said, "That's hot."

Mature.

My team was named Pinterest and so we all wore a pin. WOOOO! You'll be stunned to hear we did not win for best costume. The alligator hat wearers won. I told you about them yesterday, or maybe I said they were dinosaur hats, but the team who wore then were the Alley Gators, get it? Do you?

And I did not take pictures, because bowling and eating chicken wings, but Ryan wore shorts and checkered socks and he had a t-shirt with a picture of that guy from The Big Lebowski licking his bowling ball, and also? He had a Hello Kitty bowling ball.

Ryan rocked the bowling event.

So that sums that up, and now tonight is a little soiree at The Other Copy Editor's house. Also, Dear Mom: I have not mailed your gifts yet. WHEN WOULD I HAVE TIME? I guess I can wrap up this post and try to get them ready this morning and mail 'em from work.

Christmas makes me tense.

At lunch today I have to scream to the local book store and get some things for Ned's family, and tomorrow morning I have to run to another store to get another gift for a member of Ned's family and I liked it better with I was with a Jewish man.

Then at 11:00 tomorrow I gotta get my roots done, and afterward we scream to Raleigh for Ned's family get-together. After which is a party Ned's friends are throwing, also in Raleigh, and then Sunday we're going to a…party.

So a quiet weekend.

What're you guys up to this weekend? Are there any nice pagans with zero friends and family out there who are doing absolutely zilch?

When next week gets here, I will announce the BIG WINNER of the "That's why I don't like corn" contest from the other day. I read one of your comments and thought, Oh, THAT is the winner, but do you think I can recall right now who that was? I cannot.

Also, I've already made my end-of-year video that I do, and I'm excited to show you that. I'll wait in case some kind of most excellent photo opportunity pops up in the next two weeks that remain of 2014 and I need to add it to the video.

Next year I turn 50. Ned was kind enough to point out that in 10 years I'll be 60. But let's not think about that right now. Because bridge. River. George Bailey. And no Clarence to help me out.

Do you know what my favorite day of the year is?

January 2.

Aging ungracefully · June's stupid life

The one where June does her makeup and blogs at the same time. The one where June NEEDS BOTOX SO BAD OHMYGOD.

I went to bed kind of late last night after my office party, not that it went on forever, really, but I got home around 9:00 and then wanted to watch the rest of this old movie I recorded.

Dear Mom: I figured out I could record movies on our TV. It's like we're The Jetsons!

You all don't know how many times I'll come home at lunch, start watching a Turner Classic Movie, then have to go back to work, so I'll call my mother on the drive back to my office. "Did you ever see that old movie with Barbara Stanwick, where she…"

"I never really liked Barbara Stanwick," my mother will offer.

"That's not the POINT. Did you ever see the one where she, and then she…what happens after this part? Cause I have to go back to work."

Seriously, my mother and I must have had 72 of these conversations ever since I got cable. But now we have this fancy red button on our remote, and do you know it reads, "Record," and I can COME HOME and watch the REST of the movie? So last night I did. It was about this old couple who loses their home, and they have to split up and each one stays with a different kid. The old mom stays with the actor who played Uncle Billy in It's a Wonderful Life. 

The point is, I stayed up to finish it and now I'm tired. Oh, and also, that was the most depressing movie I've ever seen. Ned, who was up here writing things on his computer, because Ned writes and we should really force Ned to have a regular guest column at Bye Bye, Pie, don't you think? Anyway, he came down to get something from the kitchen and even HE said, "I just listened to that entire dialog and that was the most depressing thing I've ever heard."

Everyone go out and rent that old movie where the couple loses their house and Uncle Billy is one of the kids. No, I don't know what it was called. I started recording after the title flashed on the screen.

OH MY GOD MY POINT is that I have to do my makeup and talk to you at the same time, so here is me before makeup. Get ready. Girl your loins.

Photo on 12-18-14 at 7.55 AM #2Pretty. There's Coney Island on the bed, and on the chair are all the Christmas gifts I have yet to wrap. And by "Christmas gifts," I mean things I bought myself and some gifts. That bag from Ann Taylor Loft? I got a blue sweater on sale and then I realized I needed another size, and by "another" I mean "larger," and what snacks? So we got out of work early yesterday because of our Christmas party, and I took the sweater to exchange it, and I got six dollars back, because now it's even more on sale than it was Saturday!

Score.

Tonight is our bowling event at work, and our team is lame. The four of us have been all, "Oh, you're on my team. Yeah. Heh." I saw another team come back from lunch yesterday with dinosaur hats. I am assuming that's part of their costume. You know what my team has? Bupkis. And a bad attitude.

Photo on 12-18-14 at 8.10 AM #2Eyebrows, eye shadow primer, eye shadow, undereye concealer. Done. Talu. Unmoving.

Her foot seems to be gettting better, and I only saw her shake once yesterday. She's dreaming right now and making little bark sounds.

Anyway, last night's party was fun. If you remember Jane West–who I used to work with and who now works where I do only another department–she came over yesterday after work and got ready with me. She also did that in 2011 for the same party, so we were kicking it old school.

In other news, 1999 called. Wants "old school" back. I'm old school about my use of the phrase old school.

Photo on 12-18-14 at 8.18 AM #3Mascara, eye pencil. Also, Edsel has come in to join Talu, to which Ned is saying, My, June. I certainly am delighted we purchased a dog gate, so the dogs couldn't come upstairs. A worthwhile investment!

Ned needs to calm down.

Photo on 12-18-14 at 8.29 AM #5Foundation, lip gloss, which you can't see, because you know what? EDSEL is licking Tallulah's foot wound. EDSEL is. I put a cone on Lu and her brother licks where she's injured. Goddammit.

Is that a bad sign, that he's tending to it? Or is he just trying to help?

Photo on 12-18-14 at 8.32 AM #3Iris and I worry.

P.S. I just noticed I wrote "girl your loins" and I am dying.

Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · June's stupid life

/

Yesterday, we had our ugly sweater party.brunch at work, and I meant to put a slash there, but that period between the words seems so modern, like I'm creating one of those really stark websites everyone thinks is so cool now. What's the word everyone uses now?

Clean.

Let's have a clean design. No one does that! We'll really stand out. Clean.design. Maybe uses s/ashes in p/ace of the /etter L. NO ONE has seen that before!

There's a movie theater in Winston that Ned and I go to all the time, and it's called Aperture. But their logo is A/perture. It makes you want to slash your own A. Before your movie starts, you have to watch a 79-minute-long video about how great the theater is, with those quick scenes they do now where you can't really see a fucking thing because then they scream on over to the next image so you know they're cool. Was that the street outside the theater..? Who knows, because now we're looking at….Oh hell, what'd we just see? Man, this place sure must be hep.

The point is, when you're watching that video, they tell you things, like "Throw out your t/rash." "Here's the e/xit sign." "Turn off your p/hone." I am not making this up. I always look at N/ed and roll my e/yes.

Oh my god, anyway. So we had our brunch yesterday, and much food was broughten, and I ate it like a normal person, but then just the thought that all that f/ood was in the other room was too much for me, and I returned 48339393 times for m/uffins.q/uiche.b/acon.cas/seroles and f/ruit.

Then I had to go to the personal trainer. I know! Was certain I was gonna h/url.

We had a fitness thing at work recently, and you could sign up to win a free session with a personal trainer and I won it. Because winner. Yesterday was my appointment with her, after I'd consumed all the food ever invented. But you know, it went well. She said my form was great and I caught on really fast, and I attribute that to that b/itch Tracy Chapman. I told her I did the Tracy Lord workouts and she said she'd have to watch one, because based on what I could already do, she approved.

June. A/thlete e/xtraordinnaire.

Am certain I burned off all those calories, especially after, when I met up with my student at McDonald's. It's near her house and her car's been acting up. She got me X/mas presents, and I got HER presents, too, but they're not here yet. Nevertheless, she gave me mine: a Hello Kitty tote and Hello Kitty journal. Guess what I got her? Almost the same thing, except she likes Betty Boop and Tweety Bird, and I won't tell you which I got her because I can't remember, first of all, and second in case she reads this, which I doubt but still.

Point is, we got each other almost the exact same thing. She writes well, so I wanted her to have a journal.

Tonight's our work Christmas party, and yes, we really say the forbidden word, Christmas. Some people from work are getting ready over here at my house after work because I live so close, and it's easier to come here and get ready than it would be to drive all the way home and then to the party, which is at a fancy hotel. I don't even know what I'm wearing, maybe my red skirt unless Ned wants to borrow it.

Tomorrow night my department is all going bowling together, and instead of just having a night where we can hang out and bowl, they made up teams and each team has to think of a team name and outfit, and no one is in the mood to do all that because hello Christmas busy time outfits now too oh please. The point is, I thought of the team name Ebowla and no one will let me use it. So my team is Pinterest. Zzzzzzz.

Once they see my mad bowling skillz, though, the whole room will wake up. Strike June, they call me. June 300. Lob That Ball June. I don't even think you can lob a bowling ball, can you?

Okay, I gotta go. Tallulah is the same. I mean, she's perky happy Talu, just with the shakes. She's like Katherine Hepburn with a cone.

Talk at you, beause I have all the time in the world.

Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · June's stupid life · My pets

The only David X Cohen in the book

IMG_2234That's a line from The Way We Were: The only David X Cohen in the book. It's who Barbra Streisand marries after Robert Redford, and really, how do you follow up Robert Redford, especially when you're a stumpy chubby Jewish schlub, which is how I picture David X Cohen.

The point is, Talu has a cone. If you're not a member of Pie on the Face on Facebook, and we invite you to join us unless you're that guy with the pie fetish who keeps asking to be a member, you don't know about Tallulah's plight, so I will tell it here.

The first person to write me to say they can't find Pie IN the Face gets a cone that they have to wear till New Year's.

Oh, and also, no one tell Ned that Talu's back up on this bed.

So, on Friday night, I noticed a sore on Tallulah's foot, a big stigmata. When I picked it up to look at it, she started shaking, and we said poor Talu. She knows she has to go to the vet because of her foot.

But then on Sunday, the Tall Boy was here and we were all hanging out in the living room, Tallulah included. We were just sitting around talking about Beyonce's mom having sex with her nostrils, and how many people would download the video of Beyonce's mom with two penises in her nose–you know, normal stuff (and I would download that in a heartbeat) when we noticed Talu shaking again.

I called her over to me and hugged her, and the shaking went on for a good five minutes. She was blowing shaky breaths out of her snout, too, and it was awful.

The next morning, aka yesterday, Ned had left for work but came back in. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but Tallulah's in the yard shaking again." We called her in and she stood in the kitchen shaking for a good five minutes again, and I called the vet as soon as they opened.

Two hours and $385 later, they know she has a bacterial infection in her foot but they don't know why, and they know her neurological function is good and her bloodwork is excellent. The only concern is she has elevated protein in her urine, which is a pisser.

I still got it even when my dog is sick. And by "it" I mean the ability to be not funny at all.

So old Coney Island goes back in a month to get her urine rechecked and she's on antibiotics, which are flavored, so she just takes them like they're good. Let's discuss dog pilling vs cat pilling. It's the difference between lying on a hammock on a beach and pushing a boulder covered in angry bats up an ice-covered mountain.

IMG_2231The cone is so she leaves the foot alone, and mother of god YES I know about the squishy cones, about 39394933 people have asked me already. One of you was nice enough to send one the last time she needed a cone, and six seconds later she'd found a way around it and was back to chawing at whatever she wasn't supposed to chaw back then.

So, if the foot clears up in a week, we'll know it's a simple infection and not something more nefarious, such as a mast cell tumor, which she's had before. So. I enjoy considering that.

They gave her composure chews for her shaking, but I really don't think she has anxiety. I gave her one, and just for yucks I gave one to Edsel, too, to see if it'd de-asshole him any. I think you can guess the results of that.

When she mentioned the mass cell tumor, and that the protein in the urine is sometimes a sign of cancer, I got that Ima cry feeling, but it wasn't an Ima-tear-up-manfully-in-this-office feeling. It was a I'm going to make an eeeediot of myself with a big wide jack-o-lantern crying face, like the kind Laura Dern gets.

Cry-face-laura-dern-400x300

I had to think about baseball to tamp that feeling down and retin any dignity, which, have you met me? Dignity.

I just noticed Nurse Iris has joined Cone-an the Barbarian on the bed.

IMG_2235Who votes for Iris really cares and who votes for It's warmer up there with Talu on the bed?

Poor Lu. I'll keep you abreast. Tonight after work I have an appointment with a personal trainer. I won a free session with her at this wellness fair at work. Then I have my student. This morning we have our work ugly sweater party, and I'm wearing the same sweater I borrowed from a coworker last year and never returned. Best coworker ever.

Tomorrow night is our real work Xmas party, and we actually call it a Christmas party because it's the South and it's illegal to not be Christian. Then THURSDAY is a bowling event at work, I am not kidding. Friday is a party, Saturday is Ned's get-together with his family in Raleigh (I want to spend Christmas in Elmira with my family), and Sunday is an open house at Chris and Lilly's.

On Monday I take my own life if I'm not too tired.

I will talk to you later and update you on iCone's condition.

Hilariously,

June

I am high-maintenance · June's stupid life

Soulmate

You know I don't believe in soulmates, but that is because I had yet to meet J. IMG_2160We work together, and she is on the newsletter staff, and I am the proud editor of said staff, so that is how we met and fell in love. Somehow one day we got to talking about makeup, which probably started out with me saying something like, "I like your concealer. Where did you get that?

My high school best friend, Donna, can do an impeccable impression of me admiring someone's makeup and asking where they got that. She sounds ludicrous and I am certain that is exactly how I sound. "I like your eye shadow. Where did you get that?"

Anyway, turns out J and I are equally obsessed with all things cosmetic, and yesterday we went shopping at lunch, and discussed makeup from the moment we laid eye-shadowed eyes on each other till we came back to work tarted up like we were entering a toddler beauty pageant. I know I use that line all the time but shut up, it's a good one.

IMG_2164Here we are at lunch, and below is me with my new eyebrow darkener that I got on our trip. Do I look insane, or enhanced?

IMG_2166Let me know. Am on fence and Ned is afraid of me, so. Need someone who will tell me. Also, I sit next to all boys now at work, so they were all, yeah, looks great. Zzzzzz.

All right, I've gotta go. I took my antibiotic on an empty stomach and feel decidedly bad. Must eat quickly.

Queasily,

June

Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · Eyebrows Light and Dark · June's stupid life · Sports

Refridge

Last weekend, when Ned and I were at that on-the-streets Christmas celebration, we went to a store that sells vintage, and right here I'd like to apologize to my friend Kit, because I bought a vintage coat for $45. It's dark blue wool with big cool buttons and a cream fur collar.

Yesterday, at my 3:00 walk with my coworkers, I also had to wear a hat because it's effing cold, but the only hat I had was my leopard one that you all admired. Well. Some of you admired. Everyone who reads me didn't write me personally to say they loved my hat. The point is, dark blue and fur and then also leopard do not add up to an uncrazy look.

"I feel like we're taking my grandma to the Piggly Wiggly," said The Other Copy Editor, who can tell it to my hand. I am dragging him and about 40 other people to the gay bar Saturday night for an evening of dancing. Included in this group is Ned, because you know high up dancing and smoking dick are on Ned's list of interests. He put those on his dating profile.

Anyway, I can't wait, although after tonight, when I have Nothing to Do™, I have something scheduled for EVERY SINGLE DAY through Christmas. Some I am excited about: Chris and Lilly are having an open house, and Ned's family is having their annual bowling event, and you all know how well I bowl. I lob those pins. Bowling is the only sport I enjoy.

Well. I also love miniature golf. Really when you think about it I'm quite an outdoorswoman. I also like badminton. I'm practically one of those natural, down-to-earth types who wears Patagonia pullovers and Burt's Bees chap stick as her only cosmetic.

Seeing as we have all these important outings, Ned and I are embarking on a project: We are whitening our teeth. I know! It's a big undertaking, and I don't quite know how I'll fit it in with all my outdoor sports and Patagonia wearing, plus bowling. Actually, I just remembered, my workplace is also having a bowling event on the 18th, so I'll be bowling twice this month. I'm a regular Refrigerater Perry.

(I don't know any bowlers, and he's the first athlete I thought of. I don't even know for certain what sport that Refrigerator person played, although it must have been an outdoor sport because why else would he be named Refrigerator?)

(Was he an ice fisherman?)

Oh my god, anyway. So, while I was waiting for my antibiotics prescription to be filled at Target the other day, I saw a whitening kit so I got it. I announced this crucial purchase to Ned, who said he'd bought the same kit before his class reunion so that the whole school wouldn't be abuzz about Ned's dental enamel, then he never used the kit.

Last night, after I came home from my student–who asked me to ask all of you why people wear Uggs–Ned and I strapped on the ol' tooth strips and spent half an hour wishing we didn't have on tooth strips. I'll keep you apprised of our progress and you will be on the edge of your refrigerator, I'm certain.

I guess that's the most important news, although I have been wanting to alert you that last weekend, my coworker Bitchy Resting Face Alex had a terrible scare. Her dogs, one of which is a puppy, found some poison that the old owners of her house had put under the boiler, because apparently they hate boilers. BRF Alex spent a weepy weekend at the vet, and her dogs are fine. The POINT is, she reads my blog and comments, so I was able to say, "Poison is POISON to dogs, Alex."

And THAT is what matters.

Oh! (You abhor me at this point.) I thought I'd throw in a couple photos of my Christmas decorations. I told Ned I was going to do just light decorating, and our versions of that might differ. "It's very silver in here," said Ned, who can tell it to my hand along with The Other Copy Editor.

IMG_2142 IMG_2143 IMG_0272 IMG_0273 IMG_0271Nothing says Christmas like a table full of newspapers. Ned reads the paper every day, like it's 1969. I recycle papers every day, like it's 2014.

IMG_0275I got these brownish yellow Christmas decorations, too. What do you think?

I guess that's all I have to tell you, believe it or not. Today I'm having lunch with–CRAP. I just realized I booked two different people for lunch. The Poet and I were supposed to eat at the bookstore, but I also made plans to go shopping for eyebrow pencil with another woman at work, who has good eyebrows. Well, hell.

Stay tuned to see how I solve THAT.

Overbookedly,

Joon

Hulk's sex life · June's stupid life

Things I forgot to tell you

Funky Cold Medina was playing while they did my recent biopsy. I mentioned it to the doctor, who said they have an interesting selection of music there. I mean, Funky Cold Medina. Is this really how I want to thin out in this life, to Funky Cold Medina? Speaking of which, is anyone keeping track of the songs I said I want played at my funeral–or when I die, is one of you going to have to comb through all these posts and find them?

Before the doctor came in, and I was sitting nervously on the table, they also played The Girl is Mine, with Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Remember that song? The two of them are fighting over a woman. What woman, in the history of all that is holy, would pick Michael Jackson if she had Paul McCartney as her other selection? Even 1983, still-black Michael Jackson.

Do you know anyone like that? Anyone who made some kind of change in life that you don't regularly see, and you have to qualify? Like, my Uncle Leo enjoyed him the ladies until he was middle-aged, then he became a serious homosexual person. So you have to qualify it, sometimes. "Back when Uncle Leo liked women…"

"Back when my friend Paula had two boobs…"

My friend Charlie, who is in a wheelchair now, calls it when he was tall. "Do you remember that time, when I was still tall, that we…?"

For some reason, clarifications like that always make me giggle.

Anyway, of course there were other things I've forgotten to tell you and of course now I've forgotten them again. I DO have a sinus infection and the doctor gave me antibiotics, which I just took on an empty stomach and now I feel peaked.

I had better go, as it is time for work, and both dogs are up here eating my toast and if Ned were home, dog heads would roll, as would mine, and I am seeing just a big ball of hair rolling down my hallway. The good news is that now I don't have to wash this plate where my toast was. Looks good as new.

Oh my god now I am so late. But at least I took time to write this riveting post. You're welcome.

XO,

Joon

P.S. We all go around thinking Flashdance was such a charming movie, when really it's about a grown man screwing his 18-year-old employee. That's something I forgot to tell you since 1984.

June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

And that’s why I don’t like corn.

Once Ned's sister was riding in the car with her husband, in relative silence, when all of a sudden he said, "And that's why I don't like corn."

"…You were just having a conversation with me in your mind, weren't you?" she asked. He admitted he kinda was.

Today's assignment is, in the comments, give me the rest of the story.

I was stalked by a colonel, and that's why I don't like corn.

It's always bugged me that you're so smug about calling it maize. THAT is why I don't like corn.

The winner gets a million dollars. Or wind-up lederhosen.

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 7.55.43 AM

Go.

Oh, and P.S. My roots turned out fine. And THAT is why I don't like corn.

Hair · June's stupid life

June blogs while she waits for her root dye to work

KuntaKinte
Normal people's hair grows a quarter of an inch per month. Knowing that I had my color done just last month and now there's a considerable white line striping down the center of me like I'm some sort of Dolly Madison dessert, I decided to measure. How long was that white strip that was not here a month ago?

Half an inch. My hair grows twice as fast as regular people's. If my hair would grow out a lovely color, such as pink, this would be fantastic news. But it comes out white, like a vanilla frogurt dispenser, and it comes out faster than anyone else's.

If anyone wonders what to get me for Christmas, standing appointments at my colorist would be lovely. Apparently I need to go twice a week or something.

Ned said he had to stop at the grocery store yesterday to get "food," and by "food" Ned means "fruit," and I don't know about you, but that's never what I mean when I say "food." Mashed potatoes are food. Meat loaf is food. Fruit is not food.

But "food" he needed, so as Ned gathered up his Carmen Miranda hat, I schlepped over to the hair dye section to cover this strip. I was whiter than the line for free Moleskine notebooks at Lilith Fair.

I read that once in that Stuff White People Like blog, that white people love them the Moleskine notebooks, and it made me giggle because guess who owns four of those?

The PROBLEM is, and I know you're riveted by this whole dilemma, but the PROBLEM is they were sold out of my root dye color, which is light ash brown and features a woman on the box with questionable sexuality. She might be going through her college phase, if you're picking up what I'm throwing down.

I joined Ned back over at the the fruit, because it took Ned longer to select fruit than it did for me to figure out what I was gonna do about my roots. "They were out of my color. I picked this." I thrust a light golden brown box at Ned. The girl on that box was all men, all the time. She might even enjoy a good train pulled on her, this one.

"So, you're going for a darker look?" asked Ned, who I just taught about ombre hair, and how women are going about it terribly badly. Ombre roots are the dark lipliner of the 2010s.

"I'm not intentionally," I told him, "but they were out of my stuff."

So that's where we are right now, folks. The light golden brown is on, I'm in my 10-minute waiting period, and I'm writing to you. Soon I'll rinse it out and we'll see the tragedy that has befallen my rootage.

Wish me luck.

Darkly,

June

...friend/Ned · I hate everything · June can't keep a man · June's stupid life

Boy, do we heart Christmas

Last night, two people who abhor Christmas got into the car, drove around for 47 hours to find parking, and made their way through a giant, unmoving, germ-infested crowd to see a Christmas tree being lit downtown.

IMG_0262"Why did we do this?" I asked Ned, as a photographer from the Greensboro News & Record shoved me out of her way to get to something Christmassy. Oh, let me just push this person while I look her right in the eye so I can show everyone the magic of Christmas.

Dear Greensboro News & Record: Your staff photographer is very rude. She was middle-aged and had dark hair. Fire her. Thank you.

Not only was there a tree-lighting ceremony downtown yesterday, but all the shops stayed open, and bands played on the street, people wore Santa outfits and Menorah hats, and there was fake snow. We go every year, but before this, Ned has always lived downtown, so my only challenge was to get down there and then park in his guest lot. This time we were like the rest of the uncool who didn't live downtown.

PLUS, I had to get out of my sickbed, because you know I don't like to drone on, but I have a cold.

IMG_0256Here's the tree, all unlit. I was the only person to photograph it with a cell phone. No one else thought to do it. I wanted to take a picture of all the people taking pictures of the thing as it was being lit, but I didn't want to be not in the moment photographing everyone not being in the moment.

One woman decided to do a panoramic shot of the whole crowd, blinding each one of us with that huge flash on her camera. I hope when she reviews the film, she sees everyone shading their eyes. God, I hate people. Merry Christmas!

The best part of the night, really, was seeing a big dog dressed as Santa, taking an enormous dump on the lawn. Sleigh bells ring! Are you listenin'?

IMG_0247Right behind the park where the tree gets lit is this fancy apartment building, and I noticed people were on their balconies, holding drinks and clearly having parties, watching from up there.

"Why don't we know any rich people to invite us up there?" I groused at Ned. That's where we need to be. Far from the maddening crowd.

IMG_0263Finally, every Christmas carol you can think of was sung, every crabby thing was said by me, they lit the tree and I took a blurry photo, and we headed off to the rest of the festival.

IMG_0266There was cool stuff.

IMG_0267Pretty store windows.

20141205_200233And I was highLARious.

Oh, and Lisa Not That Lisa, I did two good deeds despite my general hatred of everyone. At my friend Kit's store, there was a silver strappy sandal out in the aisle, and everyone kept almost tripping on it, and I put it away. Also, we went to eat, and these poor people were looking for a table, and even though Ned and I weren't quite done yet I gave them our table. God, I am amazing.

IMG_0269I walked all through Kit's store without seeing her, which didn't surprise me because she's opened up a new store in Winston and I figured she was there, but there she was in the doorway as I left. And she'd been looking for me! Kit had a birthday treat for Talu. So there was her good deed.

When we got home, I told Ned I was drained. I probably should have stayed in last night, and I felt achy and chilled and even a trifle nauseated after all that activity.

Ned paused. "So, no sex, then?"

In case you wondered what Ned's real name is, it's spelled C-a-s-a-n-o-v-a.

Sniffly-ly,

Joon

P.S. Merry Christmas!