It turns out I'm just fine having needles stuck up in me as long as I have an audience. A barfing audience still counts as an audience.
A few weeks back, I went to my regular doctor, and yes she is a doctor, to have my Botox done, and by the way I need a touchup on it. I'm still able to frown, which is not good. But that is not why I've gathered you all here today.
So, while I was there, my doctor said she was having an open house, and all the reps from the various potions and filler and rat poison companies would be there, and did I want to attend.
"Sure," I said, because you know how I am. And how I abhor the ravages of time, not enough to cut out my Taco Bell habit but still. We talked about what all she was doing that day, and since I'd already expressed an interest in Juvederm, she asked if I wouldn't want to be a model for her, so she could show everyone how Juvederm works and so on.
Well, yeah. Yeah, I did. "Is it, you know free, then?" I asked, and she said it would be.
Earlier this week, I got a call from her. "Just confirming you want to come be an injection model for me Saturday."
If Barry Gibb's people had called to say Barry Gibb's manhood needed an injection model, I could not have been more excited. I had to hang by the phone today, because they weren't sure when they'd need me, but lemme tell you, I've no problem hanging out to get my free filler.
What Juvederm does is, in case you're not up on your stuff the way I am, it fills in the lines between your nose and your mouth. It lasts six months to nine months, although the packaging says a year. My doctor and yes she is said it never lasts a year.
At 12:15 today, my phone rang. I answered it on the first ring. "It's Liz! You ready to come down?" Liz is my doctor's assistant.
I was there by 12:30. There was a comical Ned-I-Need-To-Get-in-the-Bathroom moment where Ned was in there nekkid, trimming his beard before his shower, which involved two of us using the sink and maybe those house hunters aren't as annoying as I'd thought with their need for his-and-her sinks. But that was beside the point because FILLER! GETTIN' FILLED!
[Insert nekkid Ned filler joke here]
The doctor laid me down in sheets of linen. She had a busy day today. About seven to 10 middle-aged women gathered 'round, and it must have been tough for them to see someone so youthful getting injected.
"I'm going to give June a dental block first, to numb her, because she has deep, deep, incredibly deep wrinkles that need filling," said my doctor, pulling out a needle. Needles don't bother me that much, so I smiled serenely as she talked about my large deep gutter-filled face. I got two shots in my mouth, like you get at the dentist, and to be honest it wasn't that bad.
"Now, as that numbs, I'll tell you about the product we're using. June has deep, deep lines in her face, so I'm using Juvederm Extra Powerful Plus Bonus Cloris Leachman Edition, to fill out her incredibly ancient trenches. Because I'm using Super Plus Extra, her results may last nine full months. You ready, June?"
I mean, at that point I was ready for her to lethally inject me. I always think of myself as someone who has fine lines, not deep incredible ditches. She had to use a cannon rather than a needle to fill that shit.
And really? I mean, my face being numb was really the worst part. I didn't feel much at all, which was good, because with all those women hanging around I couldn't very well freak out, could I? In fact, I heard myself making jokes while she poked, and enjoying the laughs, and realizing this was kind of as good as it gets for me: a crowd and a free beauty treatment.
One woman re-entered the room with a wet shirt. "I just got sick!" she announced. "I guess I can have this done to me, but I can't watch other people get it!" She dabbed at herself cheerfully and grabbed a mimosa. In a million years I could never be that devil-may-care about losing my lady-who-lunches lunch like that.
Ten minutes later it was over, and I sat up and got a mirror. I can see a difference but not a huge one. It will take two weeks for everything to settle in and so on.
What'dya think? Do the lines from my nose to my mouth look any diff to you? I'm young again, so I say things like "diff" now. Lemme find an old photo for you to compare.
Oh my GOD, hilarious even after major surgery.
I had the cat removed from my face, too. But see?
Anyway, it's been a red-letter day, a day in which my face has disturbed Ned, but I think that's mostly because he doesn't want to feel like a pedophile, so youthful am I. Now my not-working Botox is REALLY buggin' me.