June blogs while Ned boils

Ned just told me he'd poach us some eggs, and yes we ARE just getting up at 1:00 in the afternoon, and we are decadent and have I ever mentioned I've never regretted being childless? I did, however, have to get up and feed everybody, and sometimes in the morning I feel like a farmer. Also, sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much. Which might be the annoyingest song in the history of time.

 

Apparently, flaring one's nostrils makes it more sincere.

I'm just another writer still trapped within my truth.

Anyway, I thought I'd write you about my weekend till Ned says the eggs are ready, because starving, and I think it'll be hilarious if I write and then just break off dramatically. I wanna blog ya till the fear in me subsides.

On Friday, I left work and screamed on home, where Ned had the day off, and carried him over to this new brewery, and that's what they say here when they mean "drove." I carried Vonnie over to the bingo. I am not kidding you.

Ned has always wanted to try that brewery, I mean, not always, seeing as this place opened like two months ago, but he's wanted to go for awhile, so I was glad when my work's happy hour was there. We have happy hour every Friday. It's not a bad workplace.

It's a big, open room, as opposed to a big closed room, and the handles of the door are big pieces of pipe, and right there's a phrase I like. Big pieces of pipe. I have no idea when I turned into Blanche on Golden Girls.

Not only do they have beer made right there, because brewery, they also have games, so we all set up the Jenga, which was fun unless you're the asshole knocking over the thing. I can't play Jenga without thinking of Marcia and her charm bracelet and the house of cards, but just try making a Brady Bunch reference to the Alexes. They'd be all, "?"

There was also a food truck there, and Ned and I got ginger chicken burritos that were the size of your head, unless you're a Macy's float. I get a lot of Macy's float readers. My numbers go down dramatically on Thanksgiving.

We came home and rented Carnal Knowledge, which we'd said we were gonna do before we left the brewery, resulting in a giant "Who's hotter, Ann-Margaret or Candace Bergen back then?" First of all, someone whose whole name is a hyphenated first name is irritating to me. Second, while I see and understand that Hyphen Margaret is hot, she always struck me as just a teensy bit cheap.

Celebrity-Image-Candice-Bergen-237432Candace Bergen, on the other hand, was classically beautiful and sophisticated looking. A thinking man's hottie, which apparently does not exist, because every man at that table was all up in Ann-Margaret, who if you ask me seems like she'd smell of Victoria's Secret perfume. Candace Bergen would be Chanel No. 5 or Shalimar or something.

The point is, the whole room woulda had Ann-Margaret on the pinball machine and I'd get Candace Bergen all to myself.

Oh my god anyway. So that was Friday and I hear Ned taking plates down. By the way, he came up here as I was enjoying that beautiful video above and was entirely unfazed. "Want more coffee?" Ned is completely used to the bullshit I look at online.

On Saturday morning, one of the Alexes insisted I meet her at yoga, and you know how I get right up with gusto, but get up I did, and it was rainy and awful, but me and my yoga pants headed out anyway and can you believe that bitch stood me up? I am just about sure.

But I did the free yoga and I've been to that studio with that teacher before, and I loved it, so I signed up for eight classes and talked Ned into doing it, too, because he lifts weights and rides a bike and hurts constantly, but he never wanted to be the creepy guy at yoga. Now he can be the creepy guy at yoga with a girlfriend.

I told him about the melon-halves butt girl ahead of me in class and that is what sold him, I think.

Well, see, the eggs are ready. So okay bye. I wish I could stay and hold you till the fear in you subsiiiiiiiides.

64 thoughts on “June blogs while Ned boils

  1. For no reason other than it’s an interesting fact… Dan Hill’s brother Lawrence Hill wrote a book called the Book Of Negros. This book won all kinds of awards and in Canada the mini-series starts this week. The book is a long read but it is good

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  2. They were all over the place, but here since I didn’t realize the new season had started. I’m sure I’ll catch a rerun. Now, I’ll set my T.V. to record the series so I won’t miss another episode.

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  3. I was disappointed by DA last night. They were all over the place. But I’m going to watch it again this week.

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  4. Hey! I was here!
    Feelin’ real special right about now…
    Feelings… wo wo wo feelings… wo wo wo feel you, again in my arms…

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  5. Oh, and how that jukebox story is relevant to today’s post is…one might argue Crying could possibly rival Sometimes When We Touch as most annoyingest song or at least be in the top ten perhaps.

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  6. Back in the early 80s I worked at a pizza joint, we were always busy.There was a jukebox. On this jukebox was current songs, older songs, country songs and such. There was some resurgence of Roy Orbison’s song Crying and it was played over and over and over every dang night one summer. My manager HATED that song. After about a week or so, he would kill the song with the switch by the cash register.
    So you would hear…
    I was all right for awhile
    I could smile for awhile
    But I saw you last night
    You held my hand so tight
    As you stopped to say, “Hello”
    Oh, you wished me well
    You, you couldn’t tell
    That I’d been
    (silence)
    Some annoyed person would plug another quarter and…
    I was all right for a while
    (silence)
    Another quarter would go in…
    I was all
    (silence)
    Every night, after someone would lose like two bucks attempting to play Orbison, they would scream up to the counter and ask why their song keeps getting shut off. The manager would always shrug his hands and shoulders and say I don’t know. The customer would go back to the jukebox, plug in several quarters, play several different songs and they all played great until…
    I was all right for a while
    I could smile for a
    (silence)
    Several times, dudes would storm up to the register and scream I KNOW YOU’RE KILLING THIS SONG, I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
    My boss only gave money back once that I know of, and that’s because the dude was big and mean and threatening, so he gave him his $2.25 back.
    I was all right for a while. *still wiping tears from my eyes 30 years later*

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  7. Last night we were watching the Downton Abbey season premiere, and at one point the HH yelled,”HAH! They got caught Nedding!”

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  8. Texas kari, I have the yoga pants and other workout clothes from old navy and they are fantastic! Great fit, wash well and look cute!

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  9. My neighbor was really drunk and announced at a get-together at my house a few months ago that he slept with A-M back in the day. He also slept with Cyndi Lauper. Neighbor got around back in the day. I asked him about it when he was sober and he said it was 100% true and yes, I do believe him.

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  10. I used to get requests to sing that horrible song, “Sometimes When We Touch”, (which may not be it’s official name), when I sang with a band, but I refused to learn it, as I had been scarred enough by having to sing “Up Where We Belong” and “The Rose” for too many years. I still can’t hear them, they irritate.

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  11. Author Dominick Dunne always said Angie Dickinson was one of the nicest people in the entire world.
    So there ya go.

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  12. Yes, she did. She was seriously injured but after some serious plastic surgery, she looks fantastic.
    She guest-starred on “Ray Donovan” and it took me a minute to figure out it was Ann-Margret. I kept saying, “I know that voice but who is it?” Hubby recognized her at once, though. I don’t know how.

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  13. She did. I saw her on some variety show talking about how rough it was afterward to have her jaws wired shut for so long, and her favorite thing to eat was “a glass of pizza.”

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  14. Oh. Well I didn’t know we got extra credit for commenting on the weekends/holiday. I was busy making fun of The Sunshine Family over on the Pie. And my Pygmy Kiddles.
    Also, I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch about the Guggenheim Museum. It’s got a long curvy ramp is all.
    Didn’t AnnHYPHENMargret (buy another “a” there, you cheap tart) suffer some horrible fall while on stage one time?

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  15. Oh. Well I didn’t know we got extra credit for commenting on the weekends/holiday. I was busy making fun of The Sunshine Family over on the Pie. And my Pygmy Kiddles.
    Also, I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch about the Guggenheim Museum. It’s got a long curvy ramp is all.
    Didn’t AnnHYPHENMargret (buy another “a” there, you cheap tart) suffer some horrible fall while on stage one time?

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  16. Oh. Well I didn’t know we got extra credit for commenting on the weekends/holiday. I was busy making fun of The Sunshine Family over on the Pie. And my Pygmy Kiddles.
    Also, I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch about the Guggenheim Museum. It’s got a long curvy ramp is all.
    Didn’t AnnHYPHENMargret (buy another “a” there, you cheap tart) suffer some horrible fall while on stage one time?

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  17. I thought I'd give everyone the day to catch up on my old posts, because NO ONE was around for the last two weeks. I just made everyone who WAS around feel special.

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  18. Burt Bacharach is an asshole and I always wondered what happened to Sgt. Pepper Anderson. She WAS hot.
    Ann-Margret was/is an easy Swedish tart. Candace Bergen has grace and standards. She once said she would push her mother down the ramp of the Guggenheim Museum for a good marriage. Oh,that may only be identifiable to a NYer, but it’s funny. Although I do think they both had long-lasting marriages. Hmm.

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  19. Burt Bacharach is an asshole and I always wondered what happened to Sgt. Pepper Anderson. She WAS hot.
    Ann-Margret was/is an easy Swedish tart. Candace Bergen has grace and standards. She once said she would push her mother down the ramp of the Guggenheim Museum for a good marriage. Oh,that may only be identifiable to a NYer, but it’s funny. Although I do think they both had long-lasting marriages. Hmm.

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  20. Burt Bacharach is an asshole and I always wondered what happened to Sgt. Pepper Anderson. She WAS hot.
    Ann-Margret was/is an easy Swedish tart. Candace Bergen has grace and standards. She once said she would push her mother down the ramp of the Guggenheim Museum for a good marriage. Oh,that may only be identifiable to a NYer, but it’s funny. Although I do think they both had long-lasting marriages. Hmm.

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  21. Okay, I know this is comment #4 but I have to share this with people who laugh:
    I was getting, I mean, a friend of mine was getting dressed and she was putting on her sub-par performance pants when I got a cramp in my leg, which made me catch my toe in the lace, which threw my back into a spasm which made me smack my face on my dresser. I mean she did.
    I guess that is kind of performance pants, huh?

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  22. That whole thing tickled me. Plus what Caroline Longhorn said. I’m just yucking it up down here in rainy foggy NC. Also, I’m a little bored.

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  23. Back when I lived in the state of Delusion and thought I could actually improve this body I was intrigued by a DVD called Yoga for Round Bodies.
    And also, in general, performance pants? PERFORMANCE PANTS?

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  24. Thanks LisaPie, I had no idea!
    Ah man, Ann-Margaret, yeah, nice lady but I think a better comparison with Candice would be Angie Dickinson. Police Woman. Angie was hawt! Did you know Angie was married to Burt Bacharach for 15 years and they had a daughter together and poor poor Burt just couldn’t deal with the fact that their daughter had Aspergers (oh boo hoo, poooor fucking a-hole Burt) so Angie left the limelight and her career and her main focus was on raising their child in the best ways she knew how before Aspergers and Autism awareness was abundant. Poor little Burt, he just felt there was no other option but to divorce Angie because he just didn’t understand why his daughter was the way she was. Burt, c’mere, bend over. I have something I want to shove up your a**.
    So I would choose Angie. What was the question?

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  25. I love yoga! I take a few classes a week at the Y. I am pretty flexible, but not really very strong, so that’s my goal – getting stronger. I need some new yoga pants/performance wear and don’t want to pay big bucks. Any opinions about the Old Navy brand? I haven’t tried them.
    Candace Bergen for sure.

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  26. I agree with you on the whole A-M vs Candace Bergen debate. And what’s nice is that both of those ladies have aged very well.
    June, I had so much fun going down memory lane with all the games, toys, dolls talked about the other day. Games, cards, puzzles, dominos, Mah Jongg, I love all of them. Except Risk. I just can. not. with the Risk.
    Seems to me it requires an extra dose of testosterone to be any good at that game.
    p.s. My husband just started back trying yoga at the gym. He is continually shocked by how difficult it is compared to his usual workout routine.

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  27. I am Chanel No. 5, and my mother was Shalimar. Neither were/are C.B. She is lovely.
    Stiff Ned will become supple over time with his new yoga practice. Whoa, think of the possibilities.

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  28. Are we sure Dan Hill was singing about a girl? Seems to me from the look on his face he may have been singing to the end result of an especially powerful mug of coffee.
    Ann-Margaret always looks ready to drop and roll. Candice looks like she would take a lot of work. Most men just don’t have the energy for that, and let’s face it, even if they put in the work, they may not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ann-Margaret just looks like a quick drive under an overpass, hence I believe that is the main draw. Plus, boobs.

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  29. I believe that Jon-Benet comes close.
    Did I ever tell y’all about that time I was at the Skagg’s in Waco? Two hayseed guys were looking at an issue of the National Enquirer, or some such, and Hayseed #1 said to Hayseed #2: “Lookkee there! It says Joan Bennett’s very own BROTHER done KILT her!”

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  30. Trying to think of another person who’s whole name is a hyphenated first name. I got nothing. Also wondering if I am here all alone.

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  31. Anyway, as I was saying. That song. Grates. What exactly were they thinking?
    I am so wanting to do yoga, but I need yoga for fat girls. Is there such a thing? Because my butt is not so much two half melons as it is the whole melon, twice.

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