"Do you want to go to a play?" Ned called up to me as I was on episode 3494594 of Game of Thrones. "I don't know. What's it about?" I shouted down. "A woman who comes home for the holidays and there are family secrets." "Oooo! Okay" I said, because I love other people's secrets. … Continue reading A Brief Post
Dear Hulk, I am sorry to tell you that I am going to talk about my dog for a minute. Seven years ago today, I drove from TinyTown to Raleigh for a job interview. I never made it to Raleigh, because on the side of a busy two-lane road, I saw a puppy. Just sitting … Continue reading Seven-year bitch
It snowed here, really a lot. You know. For here. Do you enjoy my art shot, by the way? Am I like your annoying friend who just got into photography, and you have to stand behind her at the computer while she shows you 79 of her shots of the same dead dandelion? What I … Continue reading A walk in the park is no picnic
I just woke up, which is dreadful. You know what's dreadful-ler? People who BOUND out of bed. There is no reason for those people, other than that we need firemen. My point is, I got coffee, and brought the wolves up here to be blog muses to me, which is not working because Edsel has … Continue reading Crying with Wolves
It's Monday night and I'm in front of my computer, waiting for MY EDITOR to write back and tell me what to write for Purple Clover. I gave him several suggestions and none of them were about sex, so he may write back and say, Yeah, none of these. Think of more. Since I'm up … Continue reading Sydney ToastPoints, Yay
"Cate Blanchett wore a fish tank," said my friend Marty Martin. Then I died. Your thoughts on everyone?
You'd think I'd be more sensitive to the famous, now that I've been featured in a major local magazine and all, but no. Still ready to poke fun at the starts. Still Juney from the block. That's funny every time. I just got back from the world's hardest beginner's yoga class, and wish to eat … Continue reading Your gathering place for saying incredibly petty things about celebrities
And I spend it taking pictures for my blog. My friend Paula is here, and we met up with her at 12:30, which is dawn for me, and yet I did it. Of COURSE Paula's here for a Heart event. I told her I'm having a party July 11, to celebrate Ned and me turning … Continue reading The one second we’ve had to relax all day
Last night, even though it was two hundred million thousand below zero, Ned and I went to a restaurant whose name bugs me: Pastabilities. Oh, stop. Pastabilities. However, it.is.delicious. You can't go wrong there. It is an impastability. I had The Traditional, which is penne pasta that cost more than a penne, with pink sauce … Continue reading Easter Par-Aid
Yesterday, I learned there's a new app you can put on your phone which will let you play whatever song you like when you walk into a bar or restaurant that has a juke box. ("I even busted the juke-a-box!" Name that movie.) What would your song be? I said Black Dog or Bizarre Love … Continue reading And you can tell everybody this is your song (Or, Blog reader walks into a bar)
Just realized it's Ash Wednesday. What should I give up?
Every morning, after Ned leaves, I let the dogs upstairs while I blog. I tell them they're my blog muses. They somehow understand that they are NOT to go into the real bedroom, but that it's okay to lie on our old double bed, where the three of us crammed in every night for years. … Continue reading Prickly Pear
Laura Ingalls Wilder would cock punch me right in the ass if she saw me calling this a long winter. "Ohhhh, with your one day of a little snow and some ice! Long Winter this, bitch." "Cock punch me right in the ass" doesn't even make sense, but what do you want from me? I've … Continue reading The Long Winter by June Gardens
I put lip gloss on the cat this weekend, which pretty much is the last butterfly in my net. But she was on my lap--and of course I mean Lily. Who else is crying out for lip gloss more than that girly cat? I have that kind that comes in a tube, where you squeeze … Continue reading Bonne Bell’s Tuna Surprise
The last time I read Forever by Judy Blume, I was in 6th grade and owned a shockingly complete collection of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, the best being--if you ask me--Piece of Cake, which tasted like wedding cake. If I ever get married again, I am handing those out as party favors. Now that I'm … Continue reading Mince Words with Joooon: Forver by Judy Blume
Don't forget that tonight, 7 p.m. Eastern time, we will meet back here to discuss the hard-hitting tome Forever, by Judy Blume. Bring dirty-sounding '70s food: Tang, ManHandler soup, and maybe some Freshen-Up gum.
Someone is almost insisting he have a thick girlfriend. Ned had flowers delivered at my work yesterday AND he got me a Dick Whitman's Sampler. I ate the chocolate messenger boy right away, because, you know. Chocolate messenger boy. If they had candy where one of the pieces was a hot 22-year-old woman, Ned would … Continue reading Juneda Gardensho
It is cold today, a fact that has haunted old Nedlard Scott, over here, all week. "Don't forget it's gonna be cold today," he said just now as he headed out. I should totally grab my shorts and halter and put it on when he gets home. "What? This is what I wore today." You … Continue reading Just kind of fadey
Ned got home from his sporting event* and could not sleep, so he sent me this picture from his phone at 12:25 this morning. He titled it Spy vs Spy. Do you know what I was doing at 12:25 this morning? Not a lot. Logs were sawed, perhaps. Marvin and I dressed as Spy vs … Continue reading Spy vs Spy
Remember to think about Hulk at 2 p.m. (in five minutes, my time). If you read this too late, think it anyway. Our thought will be: Hulk will meet the love of his life now.