Undressed By Kings

IMG_2655To us, it's funny and cute, and to them it's this all-consuming battle for hierarchy, where each is determined to be the victor, TO THE DEATH.

IMG_2705Even NedKitty's BAG wants eternal dominance. NedKitty fights on.

Perhaps I have too much time on my hands. Too much time on my {alarm noises}. Sadly, that Styx album was playing when I lost my virginity. The song that was playing was, ironically, The Best of Times. Hello, high school boyfriend Cardinal, who sometimes reads this blog and with my luck he'll pop in today, not to be redundant. I am SORRY, but it was NOT the best of times, man. Nothing personal.

Speaking of stupid songs we'd rather not think of, just this morning, Ned said, "Every time I turn around, there's more laundry to do."

"Oh, well, you know what helps with that," I said, as if I had some seriously helpful information to give.

"What?" Ned seemed eager to hear Household Tips From June.

"DON'T TURN AROUND, UH-OH!" I said. "DER KOMMISSAR'S IN TOWN UH-OH!"

I feel like sometimes Ned wishes I'd return to the hotel.

I don't even technically know what a der kommissar is. Is it like someone who's in charge? In another country? Does my unknowledgeability continue to shock you, even now, when I come shining through?

I swear I think of you.

Okay, I'll stop.

Tonight, because god forbid he rest, Ned is getting his hair cut by the Russian model and then he's headed to Raleigh to watch basketball like it's fun. At least he can be all, HELLO, RALEIGH! BEHOLD MY NEW 'DO!

I am going to get a manicure after work, and then come home and read my book. I can just HEAR my mother wondering why I don't go to dinner with a friend or something, and she also wondered why I didn't invite a friend to my hotel.

See, both of those ideas sound dreadful to me. I mean, first of all, I was Officially Freaking Out® at the hotel and no one needed to see all that. And I will work a full day with my new work duties, I have to be somewhere during lunch, then of course my pressing manicure–and if you get gel manicures, you know it takes a lot of concentration to stick your hand in that light box without screwing everything up.

So the last thing I want to do is see anyone after all that noise. I have plans with my pal Jo this week, and I owe the Tall Boy a plan, and I have a party this weekend and TWO next weekend and that is social enough for me.

My mother has people running in and out of her house all day long, and plans with people all the time. Like, every day. That would just about wear my soul down. I'm in that open floor plan all day long as it is. I don't know, man. Do I seem antisocial to you?

I just thought of how Hulk has the song All By Myself on his iPod and I giggled a little. Remember in Bridget Jones' Diary, when she drank alone in her apartment (flat) and sang All By Myself? Totally had Hulk doing that with his beer. Poor Hulk. Maybe if we all put it into the universe today: HULK WILL MEET THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE NOW, maybe it will happen. Hulk's not all bad. I mean, I wouldn't fuck him. But someone really ought to. Let's all think it at 2 p.m. Eastern Time. Or if you missed that time, think it now.

I have to go dry my hair. I have a bit of a dilemma. The hair dryer is on the back of the toilet. The Ned toilet. I KNOW it's SWARMING in germs. I have my rubber gloves and my bleach in there, so I could spray down my hair dryer, I guess, right? I mean, I'm afraid to touch it. I had my roots done this weekend, therefore my hair blown straight, so I didn't need to dry my hair till today.

It's a phobia, folks.

Nervously,

Joooon

88 thoughts on “Undressed By Kings

  1. I am kind by nature, if I do say so myself. I’ve never held with the “every person/flusher for herself” philosophy. If I can do something that will benefit other people, why not? But I also look at it from a selfish point of view, especially if it’s someplace I go often: helping prevent other people from getting sick (and then spreading their icky germs) helps me.
    I did repeat the Hulk mantra several times at the correct time. But I was also thinking about public bathrooms, so I hope the two thoughts don’t get crossed.

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  2. Love that picture of NedKitty and Lily.
    I haven’t left the house in over a week and I’m just happy as can be that way. Being in public and interacting with people just saps the life out of me. A co-worker of my husband’s invited us to go to a church dinner for married couples on Valentine’s Day, and they have already asked what we will be wearing, so they could dress accordingly(dressy or casual). I’m furiously trying to come up with a way to beg off!

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  3. Please tell me! My little girl has a weak immune system and has had strep since November that either re-infects or just won’t go away completely. I’m wiping down everything and throwing away everything, but still no luck.

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  4. Is Hulk aware of this? Do you think in 15 minutes he will get an unwarranted, unsought, huge boner because of all the sex wishes we are sending out? Oh, poor Hulk. I hope he isn’t giving a presentation to his boss.

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  5. I hold toilet paper (clean!) in my hand to flush. I don’t use my foot because then I can’t turn around so fast. Also, I think of the people who use the bathroom later who don’t think to cover the handle or can’t flush with their foot–I don’t want to add floor germs to the mix for them.
    You know, writing this all out makes it sound seriously weird.

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  6. And to think my mom kept a Kleenex box on the back of the toilet. Ewww, ewww, ewww!
    In public bathrooms without automatic flushers, I turn around as quickly as I can after flushing so I’m not facing the toilet. Then I wonder about the germs on the back of me. I wish there was a way to flush AFTER you’d left the splash zone, like a remote control or a long stick.
    I think I have some issues, too.

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  7. I saw Uma’s face last night and thought of you, Paula. Not that I thought she looked like you but I know you enjoy a good train wreck, so to speak. I’ll be curious to see another photo of her. Prove to me it was just the makeup.and if so, that makeup artist should be shot. I always thought she was so gorgeous.

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  8. I would be totally squicked out by my hair dryer being near the toilet during non-yack times, because REGULAR TOILET COOTIES! And then you blow them towards your head! *faints*
    OK, I might have a few issues myself.
    I totally have to go home and take a nap after getting my nails done. I think that blue light from the nail curer sucks the life out of you, 60 seconds at a time. Being social makes me exhausted. People also seem to suck the life out of me, 60 seconds at a time.

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  9. I have not been able to keep anything on the back of the toilet since reading an article on the splash zone of germs from toilets. I put the lid down when I flush, but I don’t know that everyone who uses our bathroom does. Yuck.
    The last time we had a throwing-up person in our family, I cleaned every surface in the bathroom, including wiping down the walls and the outsides of cupboards. Not obsessive cleaning–just a wipe down with warm, soapy water and then another with bleach water. The Centers for Disease Control recommend cleaning with soapy water first to remove dirt and dust, so that the bleach can actually sanitize the surface.

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  10. If you are antisocial, then I have a social-damn-phobia.
    We have all been coughing, coughing, running nose, coughing sick at our house. It’s our first big day of normal activities. I refuse Walmart (we have no Target or CVS, because we don’t live in civilization), so I’m sending my husband. He also has to go to Hobby Lobby to get me yarn so I can crochet like a little old lady til my heart’s content.

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  11. If I had June’s social calendar (empty by her mother’s standards), I would go insane. I admire people who go out a few times per week but that is too much for me. I like to be home. I like to read a lot of books. Going out once per week would be plenty for me but usually doesn’t happen. If we have people come to our house once in a while, my husband and I congratulate each other for being so social. If we leave our town on the weekend and have dinner while we’re out running errands, we feel really productive. I have lots of friends but they live all over the country. If I had a few close friends nearby I think I’d be more social—but not much. I’m guessing I get a lot more reading done than the super social crowd (usually 4 per week, when I’m not working I average a book per day).

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  12. I just posted something about Tina Louise on Facebook!!
    Appassionata Von Climax was her name in some movie and I am DEAD from it.

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  13. I just posted something about Tina Louise on Facebook!!
    Appassionata Von Climax was her name in some movie and I am DEAD from it.

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  14. I just posted something about Tina Louise on Facebook!!
    Appassionata Von Climax was her name in some movie and I am DEAD from it.

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  15. Our extroverted friends have their social calendar booked weeks in advance. When we want to see them, they have to find the first available weekend. We are the opposite and think we are quite busy if we have social plans two weekends in a row.

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  16. Poor Uma, she looks SO different; even her face looks longer. Maybe if she cut her bangs again she’d look better.
    Jaclyn Smith IS gorgeous! I never understood the Farrah Fawcett obsession, she looked cheap and over-tanned in comparison to Jaclyn.
    The other person who has the worlds’ best plastic surgeon is Christie Brinkley. She hasn’t changed a bit in 30 years, she looks amazing.

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  17. Ooooh, quickly my fellow snarkers: Remember Renee Zellweger suddenly showing up with a new face? Now UMA THURMAN is doing the same thing. Why aren’t these ladies going the subtle route? Brooke Shields’ surgeon is a GOD. Sarah Jessica Parker, subtle touches. Uma? Unrecognizable.

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  18. Ooooh, quickly my fellow snarkers: Remember Renee Zellweger suddenly showing up with a new face? Now UMA THURMAN is doing the same thing. Why aren’t these ladies going the subtle route? Brooke Shields’ surgeon is a GOD. Sarah Jessica Parker, subtle touches. Uma? Unrecognizable.

    Like

  19. Ooooh, quickly my fellow snarkers: Remember Renee Zellweger suddenly showing up with a new face? Now UMA THURMAN is doing the same thing. Why aren’t these ladies going the subtle route? Brooke Shields’ surgeon is a GOD. Sarah Jessica Parker, subtle touches. Uma? Unrecognizable.

    Like

  20. I just had to talk to a girl at the bagel shop who was wearing gloves as she took money from the customer in front of me, answering the phone and making a new pot of coffee. Then she turned to take my order, all while wearing the same pair of gloves. Had to ‘splain to her that the gloves were there to protect ME from HER, not to protect her from the world of bagels.

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  21. The bag attachment!
    NedKitty was technically Ned's old girlfriend's cat, although for a lot of her kittenhood NedKitty lived at Ned's anyway. Ned and his girlfriend knew someone whose cat had kittens, and took one. When Ned and his ex broke up, she left NedKitty there because she knew he could give the cat a more stable home than she could, as she was, like, 14 and Ned was in his 30s. Okay, she was in her early 20s but still. Pervy Ned. I am the first person Ned has ever slept with who was in her 40s. It annoys me. I don't know why, but it does.

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  22. I am antisocial. I like it that way.
    Where did Ned get NedKitty? I seem to remember she was an inheritance? But was she from a breeder or a rescue? I don’t need one with the bag attachment. I think Albert needs a fwiend. Someone to play with/use up his energy with. My husband suggested we get him a bird.

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  23. I am antisocial. I like it that way.
    Where did Ned get NedKitty? I seem to remember she was an inheritance? But was she from a breeder or a rescue? I don’t need one with the bag attachment. I think Albert needs a fwiend. Someone to play with/use up his energy with. My husband suggested we get him a bird.

    Like

  24. I am antisocial. I like it that way.
    Where did Ned get NedKitty? I seem to remember she was an inheritance? But was she from a breeder or a rescue? I don’t need one with the bag attachment. I think Albert needs a fwiend. Someone to play with/use up his energy with. My husband suggested we get him a bird.

    Like

  25. These are the same heifers who wouldn't go down to the caf alone in the dorms. That drove me crazy. You're about to ENTER a large ROOM with ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE YOU KNOW down there. No, I DON'T need to come with you. JEEEEEESUS.

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  26. June, Multiple chemotherapy and radiation therapies for my son through out the years have taught me how to thoroughly disinfect a home – with or without people present. I also completely disinfected our airplane, all of the inside passenger part of the plane, every single time we flew. The poor personnel learned to look and if they saw our names on the flight, they arranged for us to board first so I could clean the plane.
    The good news – 18 years no infections, no contagious diseases or anything.
    I can give you a few easy helpful hints to perhaps train your phobia

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  27. Jan~ has to run to the grocery today. Who wants to go with me? I also have to drive so if someone wants to stay on the phone with me, that's good, too.

    Clorox wipe that thing down! If you have Lysol liberally spray that on it, too.
    I have a few friends who have people dropping by, unannounced, and also announced, at their homes all. the. time. These friends also have to go EVERYWHERE with SOMEONE. “I’m going to the grocery store, why don’t you come with me?”; “I’m going to the gynecologist, want to join me?”. One of these friends also MUST be on the phone with ANY PERSON ALIVE on her long drive to work. All 25 minutes of it. Girl will not drive until she has secured a person on the line. I don’t get it. At all. These friends also really love to attempt to make me feel guilty or strange because I don’t feel like have a block party in my kitchen at any given moment or want to share the conundrums of my errand running with any mammal breathing. I could happily stay in my house for days, speaking to no one, seeing no one and be perfectly content. I get all cranky and out of sorts if I’ve had too many busy days in a row.
    I’m sorry. I’m venting.

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  28. Speaking of Clorox wipes (which I love), there are people here who will understand when I complain about those people at the grocery store who go get their cart then get a Clorox wipe to clean the cart handle. People! Get the wipe first so you don’t actually touch the cart handle before it is wiped down. Ugh. Dip shits.

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  29. Yes. You are antisocial. Which makes me Howard Hughes. Does anyone remember good old Howard and his phobic self?
    You need a new hairdryer anyway. Which on that topic, have you priced those things lately?
    I will think good Hulkie love thoughts today at 1PM Central/2PM Eastern. We can make this happen with the power of our minds!

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  30. Dear June, please unplug the hair dryer before spraying it with anything.
    You are mos def more social than I am. Other than having lunch with old (and I mean that) high school friends a couple times a month, my social life is basically nil. Oh, I did go to an open house one of my close friends had on Saturday. It is so gorgeous and has the coolest decor (mostly dog-related stuff, but expensive), that I’ve been eaten up with jealousy ever since. For you dog art lovers, this is her daughter: http://nikkisolone.com/

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  31. Take a Clorox wipe to that hair dryer, STAT!
    You don’t seem to be antisocial at all. I was getting hivey just reading about all of your planned activities for the week.

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  32. Household Tips From June would be an awesome chapter in your book.
    NedKitty playing with bags on the post, too cute! Bags must be NedKitty’s best friend. Kind of sad if you think about it yet brilliant if you’re a cat.

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  33. First! Namaste, bitches.
    Spritz the hair dryer lightly with bleach water. And now I will have All By Myself in my head today. Probably go look up the veeedeeeo of that guy in the Vegas airport who did a lip synch of Celine doing that song.

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