Yesterday, I attended two baby showers. One for Spalex, the Alex on our Spanish team…
What I need to do is stop putting my ravaged face next to smooth, unlined women in their 20s. Let's just assume they look so good because they have the glow of pregnancy about them, whereas the only thing I was pregnant with was a pause before I ate 47 cupcakes at both events.
Spalex is having a boy, and she had a come-decorate-a-bib thing at her everything-was-so-charming event. I made this one, above. After everyone had created and hung a bib, she and her husband decided on which one they liked best, and gave out a prize.
Here's Alex, waiting maturely and calmly to see which of us would win. She's who I was set to play Ping-Pong with last year when we had a tournament at work, remember? And every single person I asked had filled out their bracket with her winning. I hate my coworkers. What a bunch of bitches. Especially the men.
The good news is, we both won the intense bib-decorating contest, probably because Spalex didn't want to hear it from either of us on Monday. I won this container so I can take vodka to work, and Alex won a Starbucks gift card so she can be even more hepped up and competitive.
Speaking of which, the menu for the shower had several springtime salads and other healthy fare, and I am the only heifer who was all, "Get me the meat loaf." And in the spirit of my pal Hulk, I got double mashed potatoes as my two sides. I have no idea why I can't keep a man. Lemme tell you something. I may be a girl version of Hulk, but that.was.delicious. It was goddammit good.
I kind of figured a ton of people at Spalex's shower would have to scream on over to TinaDoris's, but it turns out I'm the only crossover friend. The only other person invited to TinaDoris's was Spalex, who of course was, you know, attending her own shower. She gave me a really beautifully wrapped gift to take over to TinaDoris's, as opposed to the gifts I wrapped for each person, which looked like maybe I had my gifts wrapped by some charity that gives work to handless mentally disabled people.
"It's actually hurting me to watch you wrap these," said Ned, who is a straight guy and still could have done better. "Do you want me to redo these?" I have my pride, and clearly my dignity, so I took my Help For The Handless gifts to the showers with resolve. I needed Resolve to clean all the barf when people saw my wrapping skillz.
Spalex also gave me a rose corsage to take over to TinaDoris's shower along with her pretty gift. "I got corsages for all the moms," she told me, because she is the type of person who'd think of such a thing.
"Here's a rose corsage I got you, and a really prettily wrapped gift," I handed TinaDoris her things when I arrived at her shindig. "Oh, and a really shitty-looking present that Spalex wrapped for you. I am sure," I said. "Doesn't Spalex have any pride?"
"Oh, Spalex is so sweet," said TD, sniffing her rose and not for a minute falling for my charade.
I was with women from work who, A., all had the curls and B., had no kids. We decided to play the Awwwww drinking game, which I invented. Any time TD opened a gift and there was an "Awwwww!" we'd take a drink.
"I'm never having fucking kids," said Alex, slamming down her tequila-laden drink.
"I fucking love our table," I said.
I convinced TinaDoris that it would be HILARIOUS if she pretended to drink this beer. Had she not been so in demand at this thing, I'd have made her pick up the vodka and tequila bottles and photographed that, too. Let's all say it, "Awwwww!"
If you're dying to know what I got everyone, beyond the tempting wrapping, I got Spalex this whole play area thing, where the baby just sits there and lazily pecks at various bells and shiny things. Oh, god. I think I got her a parakeet toy. Crap.
I got TinaDoris a giraffe that is actually a sound machine, and of course someone else got it for her, too, because I didn't buy it off her registry and Babies Be Us said there was no way for them to remove it for me, which, Dear Babies Be Us: Seriously? Anyway, I also got her Charlotte's Web, a book about the first interesting website.
By the way, that pretty gift bag up there was not my gift. Mine were in depressing plain brown paper that looked like I'd gotten her a blowup doll or something.
Ned, in the meantime, had a lovely day doing whatever it is Ned does when I'm not around. I have the feeling sports things and salads were in his day. When I got home, I was supposed to go to the gay bar with friends, but there was no way. I was exhausted.
"Come take a picture with me, Ned." I waited on the porch.