Yesterday, I attended two baby showers. One for Spalex, the Alex on our Spanish team... And one for TinaDoris. TinaDoris's was Bring Your Own Bra Strap. What I need to do is stop putting my ravaged face next to smooth, unlined women in their 20s. Let's just assume they look so good because they have … Continue reading Two showers, still filthy. Or, add vodka!
Your "What I would title my memoir" comments yesterday were priceless. PRICELESS. That'll be $17, please. Yesterday was another harrowing day at work, and it left me drained. Normally, I love it there, and I know I'm lucky to say that. Ned comes home from work looking alabaster all the time. He'll flop down and … Continue reading Judge Whopper
Yesterday was very international. We had a lunch made for us by the Spanish team that was delicious. Then last night, Fleeta and I went to the free fitness thing downtown, where they had Masala Bhangra. I'd never heard of it, either, and dearly wished for Indian food once they said it, as well. We're … Continue reading Indian June
"It bothers you that I'm not this guy, doesn't it?" Ned held his arms up and waved them around. "It bothers you that I'm not this demonstrative guy with grand gestures, like this." Sadly, I knew what he was doing when he held his arms up like that. He was totally being one of those … Continue reading Guess Who
Remember when we used to throw our heads back and forth and breathe funny to try to faint? What was wrong with us? I was just shaking my hair around, trying to dry it, and remembered doing that. My babysitter taught me, and Dear Mom: Maybe hiring 16-year-olds wasn't the best plan. I loved that … Continue reading Jehosephat Phosphate
The good thing about having a friend who's paralyzed is there's no fake crap when you go see him. All the crap is genuine. None of that novelty store dog doo. I went to see my friend Charlie yesterday, as it is his birthday. "How you doing?" I asked him, hugging him. Yes, I hate … Continue reading Novelety store dog doo
It's my friend Charlie's birthday, and he finally got his screw-paralysis-I'm-driving van, so he wrote me to ask if I'd hit the town with him this afternoon. He wants to get terrifically drunk, so maybe your old pal June will be driving a van. I don't know. The point is, I'm off! To do ridiculous … Continue reading Van, damn!
I purchased another vintage slip from my friend Kit's store. Vintage slips are very big with me lately, as is the color coral. I don't know what to tell you about this development. Neither does Edsel. I gathered you here not to admire my slip, which you should anyway. I now have a black one, … Continue reading Yes, I DID say butterscotch pudding pie.
I was just joking around with someone at work. This poor guy, Austin, the handsome one, keeps hitting Reply All to companywide emails. The first one was when we were going to have a lunch and learn, and they asked us to please reply if we were going and to place our lunch order. We … Continue reading Deep Thoughts
Remember yesterday, when I said a bunch of women getting together gave me hives? Last night I got together with some women and we went to the movies. The best part about me is my consistency. I'm am very chalky. Gone With the Wind was playing at the old movie theater I like, and if … Continue reading Fiddle-dee-dee
I feel like I haven't talked to you since I wore short pants, which was yesterday when I had on cropped trousers. I've heard men don't like cropped pants, that they want us to just pick a length already. To which I say, Dear Men: Fuck off. Everything's back to normal here, as mom has … Continue reading Wal-itin
I have to take my mother to the airport, so I will blop at you later. Yes, I just said blop. We had a fine time with mom. She cooked. And apparently taught Ned some Vogue moves, which he's been clamoring for. 1992 called. Wanted its dance move back. Do I have lip gloss on … Continue reading I’d like to buy the world a Coke…
"I hate my hair like this," said my mother. "I look like Garth of Wayne and Garth." "You can't say that. That's MY line. MY hair looks like Garth," I said. "You look nothing like Garth," said mom, "not at all. Garth didn't have cankles."
Summer 2015 tally: Iris-1 Bunny-0 fuk yeah
For a couple years now, I've been writing every week for this website called Purple Clover, which is aimed at women who are long in the tooth, shall we say. Not in the bloom anymore. Rounding the bend. I am one of those women, as I know all too well. The writing has been going … Continue reading Hey, Lady
Yesterday I had one of those horrendous workdays where you spend hours writing something, then lose the whole document forever, no matter what IT does. I wanted Superman to fly around the world and reverse time. Then today the exterminator came, not to kill me, which would have been nice, but to kill our ants. … Continue reading Don’t say a word. Also, Hulk’s sex life.
I have used every last drop of this eyelid primer, and now it's gone. It's rare that you find something good enough to use it to death. What makeup have YOU used to death? I do not wish to hear that you do not wear makeup. I am highly against the lack of makeup wearing. … Continue reading June. Natural yoga bitch.
On Friday, one of the Alexes had her last day, and it was a different Alex's birthday. She was twenty-six! I'm 26 now! I'm still half June's age! I know! Old geez. The point is, everyone said, "Let's gather together to ask the Lord's blessing and also to get tanked at the new brewery in … Continue reading Would You
Did you ever have one of those really good dreams, where you're told you can take a bunch of stuff for free, then you spend the rest of your dream deciding which stuff to take? I had one of those dreams last night. Some person I knew worked for a large university, and there was … Continue reading Dog bookends
Last night after work, Ned and I met for dinner at the restaurant I really like that he isn't that crazy about. I have no idea how you could not be crazy about this place, but its big draw, really, is that it has outdoor seating. It's that place we went to one night when … Continue reading Bag of the enemy