...friend/Ned · June's stupid life · My pets

Dear Hulk: Today there are pictures of my pets! No, really, any time. No trouble at all.

I decided to go see what everyone was up to this morning, and show you it. You're welcome for that fabulously constructed sentence. Lily has decided NedKitty's condo also belongs to her now. She and NedKitty do not bother each other, and will sit in the same room and chitter at birds, but it's not… Continue reading Dear Hulk: Today there are pictures of my pets! No, really, any time. No trouble at all.

...friend/Ned · I am high-maintenance · June's stupid life

An unblemished record

We were all on the porch yesterday, being Allison Portchnik. That's only funny if you're obsessed with Annie Hall, and even then it's not that funny. The point is, it was a beautiful day, but I had a blemish, so there was a whole debate about whether the world should have to see this blemish… Continue reading An unblemished record

...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · Hair · June's stupid life

The one where June gay marries some cobbler

Well, it's official. Ned is now 50. He wasn't able to get that decision reversed or anything. If you want the abbreviated version of Ned's birthday, because you have to run or something, it was sex, food, thunderstorm, sex, Tracy Anderson workout, food, thunderstorm, sleep, sex. At some point in the day, I asked Ned,… Continue reading The one where June gay marries some cobbler

...friend/Ned · June's stupid life

Food is Ned’s sex. Oh, plus, Ned is 50 now.

Today is Ned's 50th birthday, so we took today off. He is sleeping currently, but earlier this morning, he said, "You want to have breakfast at the diner later?" "Okay," I said. Then we fell back asleep. "I was just dreaming of a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich," Ned murmured, as I got out of… Continue reading Food is Ned’s sex. Oh, plus, Ned is 50 now.

Make June Do It

Almost rape-y

Yesterday at work, we had a gelato truck come at 2:00 (I had salted caramel. Griff pointed out that there's no such thing as just caramel anymore. It all has to be salted now), and then we had a department happy hour at 4:00. I feel like Mike, formerly known as The Editor Who Sits… Continue reading Almost rape-y

Hair · June's stupid life

We’re here for my hair

I noticed Iris on the landing, just hoping to trip and kill one of us. Then she can go in for our arteries while we're still warm. She also knocks any glasses you may have left on any surface down to the floor, where she proceeds to attack the stems and chew them angrily. If… Continue reading We’re here for my hair

Hulk's sex life · June's stupid life

Losing something once solid

Remember high school angst? When nobody understood your incredibly deep thoughts and torrid emotions? I'm still like that. I also, throughout high school, was convinced I was hauntingly beautiful and no one had discovered it yet but me. But that ONE DAY, someone important at school would look at me and announce, "Good heavens, Miss… Continue reading Losing something once solid

...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · Chicken · June's stupid life

Longest day of the year, and I had a migraine through all of it.

And I'd just SAID, "It's been a really long time since I've had a migraine." Why do I say things like that? But really. I usually run through my whole prescription in a month, usually to the day. But I'd gone almost TWO months with one prescription. Not anymore. The rest of the weekend was… Continue reading Longest day of the year, and I had a migraine through all of it.

Aging ungracefully · June's stupid life

I would walk 10,000 steps and I would walk 10,000 more

I'm gettin' kinda weird about my Fitbit. For three days now, I've hit my damn 10,000 steps on that thing. You know you walked that many because once you hit 10,000 steps, your wrist starts buzzing you like your secretary did in 1971. Tuesday was kind of easy, because I left work in the middle… Continue reading I would walk 10,000 steps and I would walk 10,000 more

...friend/Ned · Ooompa Loompas suck

What spells fun for you?

"Some golf. A few beers. I mean, that's fun." That's what my ridiculous coworker, Griff, said the other day, and that right there sounds like my nightmare afternoon, but to each his own. Some cats. A book. Strong coffee. That's fun. A whole afternoon of sex followed by French dip and mashed potatoes delivered to… Continue reading What spells fun for you?

Film · June's stupid life

Conversation with zygote from work

Ryan: Where's Susan? Me: Which one? Anton? Susan Anton? Ryan: Who's that? Me: She was a starlet in the '70s. She dated Dudley Moore. Towered over him. Money buys you everything. (Look up at Ryan. He's blank.) Goddammit. You don't know who Dudley Moore is? 10? Arthur? Ryan: [Shrugs.] Me: I'm gonna force you to… Continue reading Conversation with zygote from work

Aging ungracefully · June's stupid life

Fortunately, I was able to open the door with just a smile

Yesterday, Tallulah and I had our photo session, or "sesh," which I am saying because Faithful Reader Sadie treasures that word like a precious gem. I know I said I was having it Monday, the sesh, a fact that is written down in the big scroll of June facts that you carry around rolled up… Continue reading Fortunately, I was able to open the door with just a smile

...friend/Ned · Hulk's sex life · I am a pleasure of life · I am berserk · June can't keep a man · June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

The “I Thought I Dug You, But You Like Build-A-Bear” Section

"What if I met you, and you were still you with all your traits and everything, except for one thing: You loved you the Build-A-Bear Workshop." I like to imagine terrible scenarios to see if Ned and I would still like each other through them. "Oh, that would be bad," Ned agreed. "And here are… Continue reading The “I Thought I Dug You, But You Like Build-A-Bear” Section

Aging ungracefully · Busy busy busy busy. Thank heavens for Angie's List. · June's stupid life · My pets

Nnnnnnn!

This was a dumb weekend. I mean, it started out not dumb. I emailed Ned near the end of the day Friday. "Are you going to the gym after work?" "Not if it's important to you that I don't," he wrote back. See, folks? Therapy. IT WORKS. "Yes," I wrote back. "I have had a… Continue reading Nnnnnnn!

...friend/Ned · Health · I am high-maintenance · June's stupid life · My pets

I pretended it was an endoscopy, but really I transitioned. Now I’m a leopard.

I don't know if you've GERD, but yesterday I had an endoscopy. Did you like that? Little medical procedure humor. Ned and I got there at 10:30, which is inhuman. Why do they have to do these things so early in the morning? I am sorry to tell you that we were seated directly under… Continue reading I pretended it was an endoscopy, but really I transitioned. Now I’m a leopard.

...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · Chicken · Food and Drink · Health · I hate everything · June can't keep a man · June doesn't know any ugly people · June's stupid life · Not Grace Kelly

Downtown Juney Brown

I got to stay home today, seeing as in a smidgeon of time I will be knocked unconscious and any number of instruments will be crammed down my throat, such as a harp. I will literally be a harpy, finally. Today is the day of my endoscopy; it's at 10:30. I had to go all… Continue reading Downtown Juney Brown

...friend/Ned · Aging ungracefully · Health · I am a pleasure of life · I am berserk · I am high-maintenance · June's stupid life

June cobbles some crap together, calls it a blog post

My mother had a friend who recently died, a guy I always liked a lot. He was cool. They found this picture of her in his stuff, from February 1978. Kills me. Mom had the good eyelashes, and they didn't even have Latisse back then. Tomorrow I have to have an endoscopy, which is where… Continue reading June cobbles some crap together, calls it a blog post

Aging ungracefully · June's stupid life

The one where NedKitty poops in the chair. Allegedly.

I did not sleep well last night. If I were my dog, I'd describe myself as exhaust. Lu exhaust. I need to stop talking like I'm my dog. When I sleep badly, I like to use my Bye Bye, Pie coffee mug. See what I did, there? Do you see my clever marketing? Was it… Continue reading The one where NedKitty poops in the chair. Allegedly.

...friend/Ned · June's stupid life · Los Angeles · Marvin

June Recaps Her Weekend; Nation Riveted

I did a lot this weekend. See, the obvious joke would be to say something about Ned now, under the category of Things I Did. But I will not. Because dignified. I'm dignified like Rip Taylor. Anyway, I have a lot of weekend to tell you about, and Ned is right this second complaining about… Continue reading June Recaps Her Weekend; Nation Riveted

Film · June's stupid life

Stay for the loom hunor

When Ned woke me up just now, I had been having a dream. Remember yesterday when I talked about how despicable people were who told you their dreams? "I was having a terrible dream," I announced to Ned, who puts me to bed at night and wakes me up again the next day. I don't… Continue reading Stay for the loom hunor