I got to stay home today, seeing as in a smidgeon of time I will be knocked unconscious and any number of instruments will be crammed down my throat, such as a harp. I will literally be a harpy, finally.

Today is the day of my endoscopy; it's at 10:30. I had to go all of yesterday not eating anything red or purple, which turned out to be super-annoying. First there was the Damn, there-are-blueberries-in-my-flaxy-so-you-can-poop oatmeal that I eat every day. Then at lunch I had leftover tomato and spinach pizza, which, nope. Red.

So I went to that hippie, NPR, give peace a chance grocery store near me that never fails to get on my FUCKING nerves, and headed to the salad bar. Turkey chili. Nope. Has tomatoes in it.

GODDAMMIT.

Salad! Oh. Some of these leaves are pretty red and purple, because hippie pretentious lettuce. Just to freak people out one day, that place should just chop up a big batch of iceberg. WE HAVE A HIPPIE DOWN! HIPPIE DOWN AT THE SALAD BAR!

By the way, this time there were two men having an awareness session or something DIRECTLY IN FRONT of the salad bar. At 12:20 on a weekday. Look here, Feather Sky and English Leather Necklace, I understand your whole life you've been a part-time professor over at the community college, but most of us are SCREAMING THROUGH LUNCH HOUR at 12:20 on a Wednesday. You lilly-livered pretentious salad-bar-standing dinks.

So I loaded up on chicken, spinach, carrots and a buttermilk biscuit, all of which are distinctly not red or purple. I had to contort myself like I was in the Blue Man Group to get around the two men hugging it out at the salad bar, but finally I had my beige-family food.

After work, a bunch of us from work went to a really cool new place downtown (Downtown!). When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go downtown!

Ned loves that song. I don't know what to tell you about Ned.

The point is, I just stayed for a bit, but when Ned came home from work, I told him about the place and he said, "Let's have dinner there!" and seeing it was my last night on earth, I said why not.

Unnamed-2

Here's something you never see, and I was pleased to capture it on film.

I spent a lot of time looking for food that wasn't purple or red. Eventually, I had a turkey sandwich (beige) and some mac and cheese (orange).

Unnamed-1

Am I blue? This was Ned's camera, and look how it isn't as good as my new one. Am pleased with my iPhone 6. Dear iPhone people: Send me free shit now.

Unnamed

I wasn't stalking the hostess, THAT YOU KNOW OF, I was just wanting you to see how pretty it was in there.

"This place is so pretty. I can't believe this sat here empty for years," I said, between beige bites.

"It was some kind of bookstore that was never open," said Ned, who lived downtown (DOWNTOWN!) for years.

Have you ever heard the B52's version of Downtown? I like it.

 

That Fred guy from the B52s kills me every time. I want him to narrate my life story, when they make one, which should be fascinating. June. She had cats.

The point is, when we got home, I had an email from someone who'd read my latest Purple Clover and had nice things to say to me. When people email me about Purple Clover, it means they clicked on my name over there, looked at the little writeup about me that's one sentence long, cut and pasted my blog address because PC doesn't link to my blog and I wish they would, then once they're at my blog they have to find the "email me!" button. I mean, they have to really want to talk to me, is what I'm sayin'.

So that was nice, and it occurred to me that that article must be up on PC's Facebook page, because that's usually when I get contacted by people, is once it's up there. I mean, Purple Clover on Facebook at this point has close to 2 million Likes, which if I start to think about that many people potentially reading my crap, I get sort of poopy-feeling.

See? My stomach just rumbled. I had to stop drinking liquids at 8:30, and girl, you know I had that coffee cup in my hand till PRECISELY 8:30, because addict. But now I'm typing you, and I always always have coffee while I'm typing to you, and this is dreadful. I don't know how people do this.

So, I stupidly went on Facebook's Purple Clover, and looked at my article, and they'd in fact run two of mine yesterday, and what do you know. MORE MEAN COMMENTS.

Why do I do that to myself? Why do I look?

Ned was on our front porch, and I galumphed out there like I was Snuffleupagus. "I suck," I said to Ned. "I'm the worst writer in the world. I am useless, and now my looks are gone." I slumped in the chair dramatically.

"Were you looking at Facebook, then?" asked Ned.

I HAVE TO STOP LOOKING AT THOSE. And no one tell me what you saw over there. The last time I had this people-are-mean crisis, you have no idea how many people gleefully reported back to me what was going on, like I wanted to hear that mess.

Sigh.

Anyway. What can you do? People are mean. I have never once, in my life, left a comment that was mean on anything anyone wrote. And I'm a terrible person! But I've never felt the desire to do that. I don't understand the impetus. These must be people who don't write, themselves. They have no idea what it's like to put something in the universe that you slaved over, just to get, "This was dumb."

Okay, slaved over is a bit of a stretch. Usually I just sit down and write and it takes me 30 minutes. STILL. They're a very concentrate-y 30 minutes. And I write stuff in my mind for days before I write it, sometimes.

For some reason, this reminds me of Marvin's mom, who doesn't cook very often, and once when we came to visit, she'd made a key lime pie, Marvin's favorite. I have made that guy a key lime pie, and let me tell you, it isn't easy. Do you have any idea how TINY key limes are? Plus, you have to grate the metal key part.

Anyway, she set it in front of Marvin and he said, "This looks like a quiche."

I mean, it did, but it was delicious, and I think of her slaving away in a kitchen, which was not her forte, just to be told her pie looked like a quiche. Poor Marvin's mom.

Ima go get ready to take Propofol now. I hope Ned doesn't record me coming out of the anesthesia, because have you met my inhibitions? Imagine my inhibitions on drugs.

Do you know where this surgery center isn't?

DOWNTOWN.

Throatily,

June

P.S. OH! Oh guess what. As we were leaving the restaurant last night, up at the bar was midcentury modern furniture guy. We made eye contact and as I was about to say hello, he looked away. ACK! HE KNOWS. HE KNOWWWWWWS.

You know where he lives and works?

DOWNTOWN.

70 thoughts on “Downtown Juney Brown

  1. Cabber says:

    MTM, I’m so confused. Why don’t people in Philadelphia eat SPAM? I totally (obviously!) didn’t get the italicized story?!

    Like

  2. Cabber says:

    CHOP has got yo be the WORST name for (what I assume is) a Children’s Hospital. Hope everything goes smoothly and glad the sangria is kicking in for you!

    Like

  3. Confused about italicized Baltimore SPAM says:

    But WHY don’t people from Baltimore eat SPAM? I am missing a vital part of the story in italics. MTM, (or anyone!), please help!

    Like

  4. Kathy says:

    Hahaha! PJ! It’s so wonderful to know that I’m not the only “raver” when on those drugs! 😀

    Like

  5. Tammi V.V. says:

    Living in Portlandia as I do, I particularly enjoyed “Hippie down at the salad bar!” I was laughing so hard, my husband actually muted the NBA Finals to find out why I was on the couch gasping.

    Like

  6. Mrs. Gumby says:

    Oh dear Lord!! I’m wiping tears from laughing hard at the anesthesia stories! I’m having a colonoscopy on Wednesday. I’m told I’ll be having the MJ Juice, so I hope I don’t babble afterwards.

    Like

  7. Anita says:

    It takes about 10 key limes to make 1/2 c of juice. Give or take a lime. I had a tree in my yard. I still have some frozen juice I brought with me. I miss my little tree. I wonder if it’s full of fruit?The new people better be good to it! Now I’m sad.
    How are you doing, Junie? Glad you survived. Did Ned take pictures of you all drooling from the side of your mouth?

    Like

  8. PJ every one of your articles has been a pleasure to read says:

    Just before I had gone in for surgery I saw on a television set that it had snowed in Boston.
    When they were wheeling me back to my room I kept yelling to everyone in the hallway about Hey! It snowed in Boston! It snowed in Boston! Did you know that?
    Everybody in the hallway just kept smiling at me. For some reason it seemed Earth shakingly important that everyone KNOW that it snowed in Boston. I remember doing it and their smiles.

    Like

  9. Kathy says:

    I was told the nurse was laughing, too. My Mom was there when it happened and told me about it later….while laughing. 😀
    And while in recovery I was told that I raved about a necklace the nurse was wearing and then my Mom’s yellow leather purse. Just went on and on about them. Soooooo embarrassing to be told this when ‘sober’!

    Like

  10. Kathy says:

    You do know that you are NEVER boring, and you are a remarkable woman! So there. How was the buzz? Ask for anything extra in your juice like I did?

    Like

  11. Tee, Typepad won't allow me to just be Tee says:

    June, glad your procedure went well.
    Years ago we visited friends that moved to Marathon, FL (one of the Keys) and one night we had homemade KL pie from a little shack located under a bridge. That pie was delicious. I have to assume the makers of said pie went to all the trouble of squeezing all those tiny limes.

    Like

  12. Amish Annie says:

    I’m thinking it would have been rather interesting to see what Joob would have said to MCM man if she stopped at his shop on her way back from the procedure.

    Like

  13. Sadie says:

    Yes, it is terrific. I’m not sure if it was available back in the dark ages when we made our homemade KL pie.

    Like

  14. JG says:

    Of course, I didn’t bother to look down to the bottom of the comments first. But, yeah, N & J’s is great. Their lemon juice is great, too, but harder to find at a grocery store. The KL I can usually find even at the big box stores.

    Like

  15. JG says:

    I forgot to mention this before: a pox on juicing key limes. Buy Nellie & Joe’s Famous Key Lime Juice and use it for authentic tasting, year-round Key Lime pie. Also, generally I make KL pie in a springform pan, so my KL pie looks like a tart but it looks and tastes so much better than most people’s KL pie. Those who complain about the appearance of their dessert don’t get dessert. I would have taken Marvin’s plate.

    Like

  16. Sadie says:

    I seem to remember a delicious lime cake I made used that bottled key lime juice. If I were to ever make a key lime pie again, I would definitely use that brand of key lime juice. To heck with squeezing tiny limes.

    Like

  17. Jeanie says:

    I have used that, too, Kathi, and it makes a damn good key lime pie. And it’s easy-peasy. Glad you’re okay, June, and sorry I said easy-peasy. PSS, prayers for your boy.

    Like

  18. Kathi says:

    I have made key lime pie before with bottle key lime juice. It tasted good to me, but I am a peasant, so there is that:
    http://tinyurl.com/nqnyakn

    Like

  19. PSS says:

    Glad to hear all went well today, June. We went to CHOP for my son’s pre-anesthesia visit a few hours ago. Nurse asked lots of questions but couldn’t answer mine…what will my son be given tomorrow? Probably propofol, but she said we’d be informed by anesthesiologist tomorrow. I do feel better knowing you are alive, June.
    We just treated ourselves to a nice McCormick & Schmicks meal (or whatever it’s called), at which us parents got tipsy on sangria. We are now relaxing in our hotel suite, then going to the first showing of Jurrasic Word tonight. Procedures start at 11am.
    I like that shirt very much, too. And I agree Ned looked really good last night! I bet Mid-Century Man looked good, too!

    Like

  20. Angels and Asshats!
    But why do the asshats outnumber the angels so frequently?

    Like

  21. Yet Another Susan says:

    Glad that your procedure went well and had unremarkable results (I’m assuming that’s good).
    I find that the Purple Clover crowd can be very mean. They remind me of a group of seventh graders I know. Most of them are decent kids in the rest of their lives, but they get caught up in the bullying instigated by a few. I agree with Bald Steve that internet anonymity makes it easy for adults to be mean.

    Like

  22. Susan (Yet Another) says:

    Glad that your procedure went well and had unremarkable results (I’m assuming that’s good).
    I find that the Purple Clover crowd can be very mean. They remind me of a group of seventh graders I know. Most of them are decent kids in the rest of their lives, but they get caught up in the bullying instigated by a few. I agree with Bald Steve that internet anonymity makes it easy for adults to be mean.

    Like

  23. BamaCarol says:

    You are NOT a boring writer! Go home and let the kittles and pupsters give you lots of love and attention.

    Like

  24. Yet Another Susan says:

    Glad your procedure went well!
    The Purple Clover crowd can be really mean. They remind me of a group of seventh-grade bullies at the school where I volunteer. Most of them are actually decent kids, but they get caught up in the meanness instigated by a few. I agree with Bald Steve that internet anonymity makes it easy for adults to do the same thing.
    I just heard my mom’s voice in my head: “Consider the source.”

    Like

  25. PJ every one of your articles has been a pleasure to read says:

    You’re okay, Shannon. I know. I’m always wondering about my punctuation grammar.
    Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way said to not show your art to artists who are not currently producing because you will open yourself to jealous criticism. I have found that to be precisely true. When you’re being published you can’t control your readership and open yourself to angels and asshats equally.

    Like

  26. PJ says:

    I’m sorry you had to have that procedure and felt a little sickly but glad to hear you are unremarkable. The first time I saw the words, “…denies sensitivity to sunlight (or whatever)” I thought they were calling me a liar. We know you are, you’re just denying it.
    A friend who wears Husky size was told by her Dr. that she was obese and she came out in a fury thinking the doctor was calling her names. It took me days to convince her that it is a specific medical description and she wasn’t saying, “Fatty, fatty, two-by-four can’t get through the bathroom door.” Which is precisely how she heard it.

    Like

  27. Carolyn says:

    I was also drooling over the shirt so now that I know I’ll have to get one.

    Like

  28. Texas Kari says:

    I’m so glad it all went well, June! In the world of all things medical, it’s really good to be unremarkable.
    Now that it’s over, I’ll share a little story of the time Mr. Texas was woozy and waking up from an endoscopy. The nurse brought me back to his little curtained-off section of a giant holding room. She leaned over to wake him up, and then told us her name was Cinnamon and she’d be back with our paperwork. As soon as she pulled the little curtain he says, “CINNAMON?! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!” Of course she could hear every word! In horrified state, I managed to sweetly and calmly say, “It’s a perfectly lovely name and it goes with her hair!” She peeked at me through the curtain and said, “Thank you and don’t worry. I hear it ALL the time.”

    Like

  29. Shannon says:

    I think the ones who hide behind their keyboards are the ones who peaked in high school.
    Hope your procedure goes well! Or at least alive-ey? alive-y? This is why I don’t comment much; too stressful to remember the rules! Non-emoticon use inserted here.

    Like

  30. Heather P- says:

    So glad you had a good experience with the MJ Juice, as my mom’s doctors and nurses called it. That stuff is really good, and I can see why Michael got hooked on it. My mom was one of these people(I am too) that always got sick and vomited from anesthesia. When my mom had her colonoscopy, she actually got up after and went to the grocery store with me! She said she felt wonderful, like she’d had a really restful sleep. Glad everything is ok with you June!

    Like

  31. Amish Annie says:

    Your vodka story made me laugh.

    Like

  32. Amish Annie says:

    This calls for fried chicken and mashed potatoes! Well, not the boring and unremarkable part because that IS NOT TRUE but you lived once again! You’re like a cat with all these lives, June Gardens.

    Like

  33. Heather P- says:

    Me too! My kids were even hating it!

    Like

  34. June Gardens says:

    The report is that I'm unremarkable. And a boring writer.
    Sent from my grandma's giant black phone that'd kill you if I smashed it over your head

    Like

  35. BamaCarol says:

    You’re Alive! Hope you have a good report. Go out and eat red and purple foods like there is no tomorrow.

    Like

  36. Sadie says:

    Yay, you’re alive! Bring on the strawberries and blueberries, a celebration is in order.

    Like

  37. Sadie says:

    Coming back to comment on Marvin’s mother’s homemade key lime pie. After friends brought an atrocious-tasting store-bought key lime pie to dinner here and none of us could eat it because it was that awful, Mr. Sadie and I decided to make a homemade one for them the next time they came to dinner. Oh, the work squeezing enough tiny actual key limes to make that pie. I can certainly empathize with the effort Marvin’s mother went to making it. I can’t remember what ours looked like, but who cares, it was delicious and it was the one and only time we ever made one. It’s a lot of work.

    Like

  38. June Gardens says:

    Anthropologie. It cost eleven million dollars.
    Sent from my grandma's giant black phone that'd kill you if I smashed it over your head

    Like

  39. June Gardens says:

    Yes!! The goddamn ditherer.
    Sent from my grandma's giant black phone that'd kill you if I smashed it over your head

    Like

  40. June Gardens says:

    I'm aliiiiiiive!!! I had a little nausea, which you know thrilled me.
    Sent from my grandma's giant black phone that'd kill you if I smashed it over your head

    Like

  41. I guess so far as Petula Clark goes, I’m Team Ned. She also sang “Don’t Sleep on the Subway, Darling” which I also love and you might also hate.
    And, yes, do NOT read the Facebook comments. Although I don’t understand why PC doesn’t block the trolls. AND link to your blog.

    Like

  42. Amish Annie says:

    HIPPIE DOWN AT THE SALAD BAR! My life is complete now.
    Ned is looking particularly fetching in that picture. I’m off Ned now.
    Like Paula, I LOVE your shirt. Covet it. Want it. We should all get one and have one big meetup and wear that shirt in fact.
    I like what Bald Steve said about why people are so mean anymore. I agree with him. Even though he doesn’t have an enormous member anymore, thereby losing some credibility points on that. Still, I think he right about mean people.
    Lovey post, Joob!
    Where is Megsie, anyway??!! I feel like I’m stealing her line all the time now.

    Like

  43. Linda in CO says:

    a. You know what was as fun as June’s post? All the links at the end. Chicken? June Doesn’t Know and Ugly People? I don’t know anyone as funny as June, and am proud to bask in the reflected glow of her funniness as a devoted reader.
    3.Mean people suck.
    %. I hope June is enjoying something delicious and red after her procedure.
    ii. Thanks for the rare footage of Ned reading a menu.

    Like

  44. Carolyn says:

    when people can hide behind anonymity… they are always assholes. ignore them

    Like

  45. Just Paula H&B says:

    Yes, Sadie, I did send some costuming bits for use on doped-up Francis. NOTE THAT JUNE DID NOT TELL US THIS IN SUFFICIENT TIME FOR ME TO PROVIDE THE SAME FOR HER.

    Like

  46. Just Paula H&B says:

    Yes, Sadie, I did send some costuming bits for use on doped-up Francis. NOTE THAT JUNE DID NOT TELL US THIS IN SUFFICIENT TIME FOR ME TO PROVIDE THE SAME FOR HER.

    Like

  47. Just Paula H&B says:

    Yes, Sadie, I did send some costuming bits for use on doped-up Francis. NOTE THAT JUNE DID NOT TELL US THIS IN SUFFICIENT TIME FOR ME TO PROVIDE THE SAME FOR HER.

    Like

  48. Just Paula H&B says:

    OMG I MUST HAVE THAT SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING, JUNE. Where did you get it? And last time I coveted an article of your clothing, you said “some local boutique,” so let’s not have any of that this time. The correct answer will have an online link. Do not fail me.

    Like

  49. Just Paula H&B says:

    OMG I MUST HAVE THAT SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING, JUNE. Where did you get it? And last time I coveted an article of your clothing, you said “some local boutique,” so let’s not have any of that this time. The correct answer will have an online link. Do not fail me.

    Like

  50. Just Paula H&B says:

    OMG I MUST HAVE THAT SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING, JUNE. Where did you get it? And last time I coveted an article of your clothing, you said “some local boutique,” so let’s not have any of that this time. The correct answer will have an online link. Do not fail me.

    Like

  51. JG says:

    Watching that B-52’s video made me think, “All the close-ups are Fred. The cameraman is gay and possibly his boyfriend.” And, “Huh, you’d never know they are going to be famous/have cult status.”
    What is it with people at grocery salad bars thinking it’s prime real estate for chatting? Get your damn salad and get out of the way! And the people who dither (Do I want more shredded carrots? Do I have too much shredded carrots? Should I get some hard boiled eggs? Ohhh, the radishes look sooooo good!)—I’ve little patience for those who dither.

    Like

  52. Yet Another Susan says:

    I agree, Bald Steve. Adults on the internet often behave like groups of school bullies. I volunteer at a school and I see exactly this band-together-and-egg-each-other-on behavior from some (not all!) sixth and seventh graders.
    Purple Clover has a terrible Facebook page. The people who comment there are some of the meanest I’ve seen.

    Like

  53. June Gardens says:

    I'm in the room now, like a little cubicle. The guy next to me is getting s colonoscopy today. I should tell him it's pronounced "coloscopy."
    Sent from my grandma's giant black phone that'd kill you if I smashed it over your head

    Like

  54. Bald Steve (Formerly EM Steve) says:

    I think that in the past hateful mean people would be ostracized and realize that they cannot be that hateful and mean. The internet allowed these people to group together and egg each other on. Now they think that they can be hateful and mean to everyone because they have a support group for their meanness.
    TL:DR All the internet’s fault

    Like

  55. Kathy says:

    Had an upper endoscopy last year…while being wheeled to the car and holding a cup of grape juice, I was told I said, “This would be great with some vodka!”. I haven’t had vodka in over 20 years. So yeah. What inhibitions? Enjoy the buzz!

    Like

  56. MTM, who doesn't care what the Key lime pie LOOKS like, says:

    –or, per the suggestions above, a big Carmen Miranda hat, with red and purple fruit.

    Like

  57. MTM, who doesn't care what the Key lime pie LOOKS like, says:

    Reminds me of Jean Kerr anecdote: Housewife (yes, an old anecdote) spends all day fixing fancy dinner–wait, it’s here
    http://lauralippman.net/my-kitchen-wars/
    if you scroll down to the part in italics. By which time you’ve stopped caring.
    At this very moment June may be under the knife, or tube, or something, and she will look beautiful afterwards. Maybe in a silk slip. With a big bowl of red strawberries.

    Like

  58. Sadie says:

    Dear June,
    STOP LOOKING AT FACEBOOK! Why give the haters the attention they want?
    Love,
    Sadie

    Like

  59. Sadie says:

    Just Paula, you did send the dress-up paraphernalia to Ned for June’s photo session, didn’t you?

    Like

  60. Joan in NV says:

    I’m reminded of the hats and whatnot you put Francis when he was getting HIS throat scoped. Just hope he doesn’t come back from the Great Beyond to get revenge…

    Like

  61. Tee, Typepad won't allow me to just be Tee says:

    “WE HAVE A HIPPIE DOWN! WE HAVE A HIPPIE DOWN AT THE SALAD BAR.” OH MY GOODNESS! I lost my breath I laughed so hard. My husband came rushing in wanting to know if I was okay.
    I have shoes just like the young lady at the restaurant. Comfortable Clark’s.
    It’s a good thing MMFG looked away because you could have had MMFG DOWN right there. He knows.

    Like

  62. Crystal from FL says:

    When you wake from sleepy Propofol land, I hope Ned is waiting with all of the delicious red and purple foods. And fried chicken.

    Like

  63. Jimmie says:

    People are assholes. Present company excluded.
    You are lovely, June.
    The end.

    Like

  64. LaUral says:

    Maybe Ned will put little hats and such on you like you did Francis.
    FRANCIS WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE, DAMMIT!

    Like

  65. Laura in Big D says:

    Well, Now I feel stupid. Not first, but 5th…that happened fast.

    Like

  66. Laura in Big D says:

    What??? No way I’m first….OMG!
    That version of Downtown made me want to poke
    my eyes out……EWWWW!

    Like

  67. thank you. you're welcome dancer says:

    i’m weary of the angry, hateful, mean people.
    Ned, please video June.

    Like

  68. L.in CA says:

    I meant “convulsive, weeping mess”! Hmmm…but “conclusive” could work, It gives the scene a little flair.

    Like

  69. L.in CA says:

    Hi June,
    I just don’t understand how anyone can write mean comments, especially to your articles. I didn’t even go look. Haters got to hate, I guess (I stole that from quote from one of my daughters Facebook friends comments. Yes, I lurk). Hope the day goes by easy for you.
    P.S. Maybe Mid Century man KNOWS about Ned and how he has stolen your heart. Therefore he cannot look at you or else he will crumble to the floor in a conclusive, weeping mess…

    Like

  70. Amber says:

    I look forward to reading your blog every day, because you are an awesome writer. Will send positive thoughts your way today; your procedure will go smoothly.

    Like

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