I forgot my DING-DANG phone at work. My chargers are stupidly packed away, so I have stolen this one guy at work's fine Arab charger while he's in Japan or Tokyo or something. Are those the same place?

Anyway, it's not very long, the power cord, so my phone is often under my desk because that's as far as the cord will stretch. And unless some cleaning person is running around town with an iPhone 6+ wrapped in a bunny case right now, my phone is under my desk at work. Yes, I have a bunny phone case. Why don't you shut up?

This should not affect you in any way other than the part where once again, there will be no pictures in my blog FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW. I do, however, have my laptop and it's not dead for once, so I thought I'd just Google "Bye Bye Pie" and then dumb words, such as xerophthalmia, to see what photos come up, and I'll throw those in so at least you have a visual aid.

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See. I have no idea why if you Google "ByeByePie" and "xerophthalmia" you get this photo of youthful me being crabby in heels. But there it is.

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Here's what I got when I Googled my blog name plus "single lady," because I am Beyoncé. I am bed, bath and Beyoncé. Cute picture. Was having good hair day.

Yesterday I began my day with the dentist. I gotta tell you, a year or so ago I screwed up ALL MY COURAGE and phoned the dentist's office and said, "I hate to be any trouble. But, um, could we maybe give me a new hygienist?" Dudes, you've heard me complain about that hygienist before. She talks INCESSANTLY. INfuckingCESSfuckingANTLY. From the second you see her in the lobby till she walks you out. Plus also she HURTS me every time.

So six months ago, I had a delightful person work on me, who didn't talk too much, and I barely screamed during the procedure. (It always hurts me to get my teeth cleaned.) Now yesterday, I'm in the lobby, and WHO comes out to retrieve me? "Oh, June! Hey! Haven't seen YOU in awhile! You musta been coming in on Mondays! I don't work Mondays! Today I'm subbing for the Monday gal; she's moving. She had a house out blooo de blooo way? She and her husband flip houses. But they decided this will be their LAST flip. He's got a whole other job, see, but…"

MOTHER OF GOD.

The good news is I need two crowns, and please insert Imperial Margarine joke here.

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Here's what comes up when I Google my blog name and "Imperial Margarine." Henry was all adolescent and gangly. Hen. HenHenHen. And if you look in the dark background, there's Franny, too. I have no idea what I'm doing in this photo.

After that charming dental appointment and then work, I had a 90-minute massage that one of my friends gave me. My friend Beige, who I knew from LA.

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Here's what comes up when you Google my blog name and "Beige." Anderson and Roger fighting in the angry chair. If you are new to my blog, you're all, "Eh?" "Howzzat?"

Catch up.

Anyway. I have this friend in LA, Beige, and she sent me a massage at a place right near my work. She is being nice to me because my heart is broken, in case you didn't know and I hadn't mentioned it. It's rarely on my mind, so you might be just tuning into this piece of news.

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My blog name + "broken heart." For some reason, you get my cat salt-and-pepper shakers in bubble wrap. Dude, what the hell was I even talking about this day that this image needed to be shown? What the hell with me?

OH MY GOD ANYWAY. So Beige sent me a massage, and why don't I say "Beige sent me a massage" one more time. There's Samuel L. Jackson with a gun and a Big Kahuna Burger. The point is, I was lying on the massage table, and I noted they were playing, like, that kind of spa music that's all Native American-y. With the flutes and so on.

 

From OUT OF THE RECESSES OF MY BRAIN, which had been playing on the monkey bars, I remembered the mid-90s, and this one time when my Seattle boyfriend waltzed in while I was watching some documentary on wolves or something. "What's with this music?" he asked. The wolf documentary I was watching in 1994 was the same kind of pipe-y, flute-y Runaround Sioux song that they were playing at the spa.

"Paaaa-cooooo," sang my 1994 Seattle boyfriend in a ludicrously high voice, to the tune of the music. "Boodle-y-boodley boo. Paaaaa-coooooooo…"

"Oh, shut up," I said, trying to learn about wolves or dream catchers or whatever the hell Indian thing I was watching. But from then on, any time we came across anything remotely southwestern, he'd sing, "Paaaaa-cooooo…"

"Paaaaa-coooooo…" I could hear him trilling, while I lay on a massage table in 2015. I'm telling you, he'd be delighted to know his stupid song was giving me the giggles 21 years later. I kept trying not to think of it while she massaged me. But it was killing me. It's like every funeral I've ever been to, where I know I canNOT get the giggles, and that makes it all the worse.

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Here's what comes up when you Google my blog name plus "giggle." My mother and me in 2003, putting giant candy coins on our eyes at a wedding reception. I wonder if people thought we were dead?

I have no idea what gives with my dress. My mother and I sort of match, like we were lesbian dates to Homecoming or something.

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I knew it! If you Google my blog name plus "lesbian," you get this picture of me with my cousin Katie the lesbian. Say, have you seen my nude hose? I need to slip them on before I slide into my open-toed Candies.

Okay, I have to go. I hope you enjoyed every moment of this important post, and I leave you with the following announcement:

PAAAA-COOOOOOO. Boodle-y boodle boo.

65 thoughts on “June Google Effings It

  1. Mother says:

    Have we entered the Twilight Zone? I have not commented today, yet this will be my third comment. Also, people’s comments are dated Oct., 2015 which may have been the last time you brought up the picture of you and Katie, but why are my comments from then included, but no one else are?

    Like

  2. PSS says:

    This post was so entertaining and funny!
    90 minutes of massage = heaven on earth. Unless the masseuse isn’t good.
    Gwen Stefani just came out with a post-divorce filing breakup song.
    http://youtu.be/zeT_nYtjgTQ

    Like

  3. Amish Annie says:

    Beverly, I’m on on your front porch right now. No gunshots or drug dealing, just a nice breeze going on with a waft of hog manure.
    Wait, that’s my front porch. Am hoping to feel that breeze some day on yours, too. Minus the hog manure of course.

    Like

  4. Megsie says:

    I LOVE MASSAGES. I wish I could have two a day–one when I wake up and one before I go to bed. Now, I have a gift card for an hour massage in my purse right now. I have had it in my purse since my birthday. In November. In 2013. Every time I schedule a massage for myself, SOMETHING HAPPENS. And I have to cancel. This makes me really, really sad.
    Lovely post, June!
    PS I HATE June bugs. Ick. They always fly right toward your head!

    Like

  5. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    I always thought June bugs were those hardback, greenish bugs that, as kids, we would tie a thread to one of their legs and have a bug on a leash. It would buzz around and we thought that was cool.
    Loved this post, one for the book. The photos were great, especially Henry, Roger and Anderson. Roger was biting poor Anderson, that was not a hug. That photo of your crabby self, I just love. Look at those shoes.
    Chest Drawers just cracked me up.
    AA, you definitely need to meet Beverly’s porch. It is quite lovely.

    Like

  6. Sadie says:

    Hugs, Angie. Hope tomorrow’s better or the day after that.

    Like

  7. melvie says:

    my favorite picture of baby June! I giggle every time I see it, and Runaround Sioux killed it, lovely post, Junebug (hee)

    Like

  8. Alison says:

    Oh, and I can’t forget to say it’s a lovely post, June. I didn’t notice Runaround Sioux until the comments, and that’ll teach me not to skim.

    Like

  9. Alison says:

    DGarey, I don’t have June’s editorial expertise, but until recently I taught high school English, and your punctuation looks just fine to me! It’s true that June doesn’t point out grammatical errors.

    Like

  10. Angie says:

    Thanks…not ok yet, but hopefully soon!!

    Like

  11. Sadie says:

    Hey, Angie. Hope everything’s okay. If you need a smile, that first picture of June tied like a marionette ought to do the trick. The expression on her face always kills me.

    Like

  12. Angie says:

    This post and the comments make me smile. I really, really needed something to smile about today. Thank you, so so much.

    Like

  13. Beverly says:

    Come to Atlanta and sit on my front porch soon, Amish! I have a white picket (vinyl) fence. A lot of the houses have great front porches on my street. And we have sidewalks and big old oak and pecan trees. You’ll just have to ignore the occasional drug deal and gunshots going off from time to time.

    Like

  14. DStar says:

    I am glad I’m not the only person who cannot abide a massage. I get so restless that it is a waste of money and time. My husband loves them. It is all I can do to sit through a pedicure and I have been known to be reprimanded by the technician to sit still.
    When we were little, some of my cousins would tie a string to a June Bug and whirl it around to listen to it buzz. Not me.

    Like

  15. Sadie says:

    For everyone who said it looks like Roger and Anderson are hugging, THERE’S NO HUGGING ON THE ANGRY CHAIR! (Said like Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own.) Roger has a death grip on Anderson and is biting and kicking him. If that’s hugging, what do y’all call fighting?

    Like

  16. Amish Annie says:

    Husband gets regular massages, it helps his fibro and his massage therapist rocks. I’ve tried massages. Snoozefest. I get bored and keep thinking about what to make for supper or what work errands I have to run afterwards. I have no idea why I just can not get into massages. However, my SIL gives scalp massages and I could sit there all day. I’ve had just the feet and hand massages (I forget what they’re called) and I’m bored the entire time too. It’s how I feel getting my hair cut and highlighted too. Just give me a row of antique/vintage shops by a restaurant patio that serves wine and a craptastic deep fried appetizer and that there is my therapy.

    Like

  17. Amish Annie says:

    Jeanie, ha! Pist is the shortened version of pissed. Similar to thx.

    Like

  18. Linda in CO says:

    Tammi Ten, how can you possibly talk and laugh during a massage? It’s all I can do to stay awake.
    Welcome, DGarey. Congratulations of your first First.
    June, I have a lovely hygienist who says almost nothing during the cleaning. But my husband has her too, and he always comes home telling me about these incredible conversations they have during his cleaning. So they must have a note on my file that says “Quiet”, so Jane remembers to not chat me up.
    Lovely post, June, and lovely pictures.

    Like

  19. “There’s Samuel L. Jackson with a gun and a Big Kahuna Burger.”
    Heeeeheeeee.
    Also, too- I inherited those same kitty cat salt and pepper shakers from my Grandma. They used to meow when you tipped them upside down, but now they are mute.
    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  20. Just Paula H&B says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  21. Just Paula H&B says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  22. Just Paula H&B says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  23. Anita says:

    Oh my god, you are right. I am losing it! I even said it in my next comment. Sometimes I wonder how I even dress myself.
    June bugs are also annoying. They are the ones that buzz really loud and sneak inside as soon as you open the door as they are attracted to the light. God help you if they get caught in your hair.

    Like

  24. Sadie says:

    We’ve always called those annoying grill-covering-paint-ruining obnoxious flying bugs Love Bugs. Never called them June Bugs. But, either way, now I’ll have to think of June as I try to wash them off my car after a summertime trip to Florida all the while singing, “Paaaa-cooooo, boodle-y-boodley boo. Paaaaa-coooooooo…” to keep from loudly cursing.

    Like

  25. Myssie1963 says:

    June doesn’t say anything about our grammar mistakes. Out loud.

    Like

  26. DGarey says:

    Thank you Sadie! Now I finally know how the “cool kids” feel! Though I am greatly concerned about my punctuation, which is probably not very cool.

    Like

  27. Amish Annie says:

    I love the old houses that sit close to sidewalks, with all the porches. You didn’t have to use binoculars back in the day to spy on neighbors, you just sat on the front porch in the evenings. I do have an affinity for sidewalks. I take pictures of them in old neighborhoods. Those and old concrete steps. No, I’m not weird. Why do you ask?

    Like

  28. Anita says:

    The angry chair does not look like I remember. I thought it was a different color.
    The kitties look like they’re hugging.

    Like

  29. Mother says:

    They had a decent size yard in back. In the olden days houses were built pretty close to the sidewalk.

    Like

  30. Jeanie says:

    AA, pist is when you’re mad at someone. I am so PIST at him!

    Like

  31. Cheryl says:

    Thanks, Anita. I thought they were going to be something so much cuter since people use that phrase affectionately!

    Like

  32. Laura says:

    Runaround Sioux — hahahahahahahahaha, hysterical. Anderson and Roger look like they’re hugging. Lovely post, June.

    Like

  33. Anita says:

    And you do drive a Love Bug.

    Like

  34. June Gardens says:

    God, that sounds so much like me.

    Like

  35. Whitni says:

    At first I thought your Beige friend actually gave you a 90 minute massage and I thought, “That is a real off-white friend you have there.” But then I realized the massage was paid for by your flesh colored pal, not actually performed by them.
    Lovely post June.

    Like

  36. Anita says:

    I thought for sure you were going to say the new non-talky hygienist was DEAD! Glad she was just moving. Just remember, Monday appointments only.
    June bugs are these annoying little black flying bugs that are swarm the state of Florida by the millions and get all caught up in your grill while latched onto each other in the throes of love making.

    Like

  37. Cheryl says:

    Lovely post June Bug. I don’t know why I felt like calling you June Bug but I bet you won’t like it. Why do people say that anyway? What is a June Bug? I’m feeling a little off this morning? It’s going to be one of those days!

    Like

  38. PJ who feels stupidly nostalgic seeing old blog photos says:

    Morning Sand!

    Like

  39. PJ who feels stupidly nostalgic seeing old blog photos says:

    I know. I just brought myself a fresh cup of coffee, I’m so cute today.

    Like

  40. PJ who feels stupidly nostalgic seeing old blog photos says:

    Gee, DGarey, you rate. I commented first once and June said I was stalking her! As we say, come for the humor, stay for the accusations.

    Like

  41. June Gardens says:

    Chester Draws. You are so in love with yourself right now.

    Like

  42. PJ who feels stupidly nostalgic seeing old blog photos says:

    I thought it was Freaky Friday when I saw that last picture of you holding your own three year old hand.
    And who doesn’t love that picture of you apparently tied to and being held up by Chester Draws?

    Like

  43. Amish Annie says:

    Oh look at DGarey there, assimilating very comfortably I see. Welcome!!!
    Monkey bars. Cute people pictures. Henreeeeee and two other kitties! I do love that picture of you in front of the teal door, you look 20.
    Lovely pist, Joob! See what I did there, wrote pist. Clearly meant post as I have no idea what a pist could be.

    Like

  44. Tammi V.V. says:

    I have a massage tomorrow morning and you all know what will now be going through my head every time I focus on the music. Pacooooo…. Fortunately, my LMT and I spend 89 of my 90 massage minutes gossiping and laughing, so I’ll only have to Pacooooo during the face massage portion.

    Like

  45. Karla says:

    No, and I didn’t really expect you to, because who wouldn’t love them? Obviously this has not affected our extremely close virtual internet friendship!

    Like

  46. June Gardens says:

    I like how i had to point it out. LOOK! I'M CUTE THERE!

    Like

  47. Jeanie says:

    Now that you mention it, June, that is a very cute picture of you. I also like the photo of the kitties fighting, but I thought they were hugging…or something. My hairdresser is like your hygienist. She doesn’t shut up from the moment I walk in. Plus also too, she’ll follow me out when she’s finished cutting my hair, still talking. You would die at her use of the English language: I seen him over there, but I ain’t going to go get him. Oh, lordy!

    Like

  48. dancer says:

    i have been on the shop for those salt and pepper shakers. collector items.
    i’m glad you had a massage and a laugh.
    next time i go in for a cleaning i’m asking for everything. just cleanings are painful for me.

    Like

  49. June Gardens says:

    I freaking love those salt and pepper shakers. I didn't really send them to you, did I?

    Like

  50. Sadie says:

    Welcome, DGarey. Yes, being first is a coveted honor.

    Like

  51. lizardek says:

    Runaround Sioux made me laugh out loud at work. haha!

    Like

  52. Karla says:

    Hey! I don’t remember what you were talking about the day you showed the cat salt and pepper shakers but back then I said oh my great aunt had these exact ones and I loved them so much and you said well Karla, you can have them and I will send them to you! Maybe that is why they are bubble wrapped. Just saying.
    Also, I have the same giggle when you are not supposed to problem you do. It’s getting harder to hold the giggles in the older I get. I forsee problems in the future.

    Like

  53. Sadie says:

    “From OUT OF THE RECESSES OF MY BRAIN, which had been playing on the monkey bars,”
    This killed me dead. Lovely post, June. Have a PAAAA-COOOOOOO-boodle-y-boodle-boo peaceful day.

    Like

  54. Greensboro Laurie says:

    That’s too bad about the house. I think it was charming.

    Like

  55. TrollUnderTheBridge says:

    California doesn’t allow beige. They stop it at the border, like it’s fruit. Therefore, Beige must really be Morning Sand, or Beige is actually in Idaho.

    Like

  56. June Gardens says:

    Mrs. Dorence's house. Look how she had no yard.

    Like

  57. Mother says:

    I love the pictures. In place of that house across from Grandma’s there is now a camper which someone lives in. Also wild life all around. So glad we have pictures to remember that it used to be a real neighborhood.

    Like

  58. Vic says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  59. Mrs. Gumby says:

    Yay for Beige! What a lovely gift for you. Hope you’re feeling relaxed.
    I love massages.

    Like

  60. Letha says:

    Runaround Sioux! Blame Sioux for the weird music.
    Lovely post and pictures, June!

    Like

  61. Texas Kari says:

    Runaround Sioux! Absolutely hilarious!
    And the slow retreat of medical professionals you actually like continues… I know it’s frustrating, but it’s also completely comical.
    I hope you have a happy reunion with your bunny phone. Have a great day, June!

    Like

  62. monkleton says:

    I wish all our googles were that funny 😊

    Like

  63. bettydh says:

    Dying with the runaround Sioux!

    Like

  64. DGarey says:

    First, maybe? I’m new here-this is a big deal, right? Lovely post Joon!

    Like

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