I bought a new yogurt this weekend; it has flax and pumpkin seeds and Lionel Ritchie and I don't know what all in it.It's a very busy yogurt. This yogurt also informs me that it's gluten-free, and guess what I am sick of. Gluten-free is the fat-free of the '10s.

Remember when we were all obsessed with fat-free? My ex-best friend's husband used to unload the groceries and say, "One hundred dollars' worth of groceries, three grams of fat." Years later, after they divorced, she was at a restaurant and thought, "That looks like Dan, if Dan had gotten fat." Sure enough, it was he. You know why he'd gotten fat? His new wife probably purchased fat.

Anyway, the gluten thing pisses me off. Gluten hate will be a Wacky Wall Walker in no time, and I cannot wait.

Speaking of which, I did not at all have Fritos for dinner or anything. I think they might could have had gluten in them. And fat.

Oh, but wait! Do you know what I forgot to do yesterday?

June's Coworker's Senior Picture Poses


You see here that Wedding Alex has sobered up since Friday and offered us this lovely senior-picture pose. Nothing says I'm-almost-outta-high-school like a flower on your shoulder.

"Did you feel sick on Saturday?" I asked her. I mean, girlfriend had THREE drinks and she was on the floor when I left. "No, I felt fine," she said. My tenant, however, who I ran into at the gay bar the next night, did not fare so well. She was still feeling awful on Monday.

I'm just now realizing that I went to a bar both Friday and Saturday. I am 50 years old. I feel like single life is really good for me. Two bars, Fritos for dinner. Of course, none of you would put Fritos past me on any given day, heartbroken or not.

Speaking of drinks, here's my latest Purple Clover article, about how Halloween parties for adults officially bug me. Not that I'm not above throwing one. Speaking of which, did I tell you I'm having an I'm Gonna Die Alone party in December? It's at my new old house. I'm having it December 5, so if you're local and I haven't invited you, write me. Evites isn't very find-your-friends friendly.

December 5 also happens to be Tallulah's 8th birthday, and let's not even talk about that. I took her back to my old old home, as Ned is back from his trip. The whole time they were here, I was on pins and needles worrying they'd ruin something of Kaye's. Their flapping tails knocked down knicknacks. They tried to get on the couch and bed.

But oh, when I came back (from returning them without incident), the house was so quiet and calm. I kept wishing I'd round a corner and there'd be a flappy tail knocking over Kaye's family heirlooms. I told them over and over I'd be back in a few weeks, and then we'd be together forever again. I wish I could email them a reminder.

What do you think Tallulah's email address would be? FangGrrrl@gmail? PitBoss@gmail? HoooCare@gmail?

Edsul's would be LuffMom!! and he'd be on Hotmail, still.

Last night I was chatting with a friend about really inappropriate-for-me dating sites I could join, and then I am sorry to tell you we came up with absolutely horrid screen names for my new imaginary ChristianMingle account. I know several of you told me there's a site where you can meet farmers, and you know what'd I'd make? An excellent farmer's wife. "Come in from the fields! Fritos are getting cold!" Banging on the triangle.

I'd join JDate if there were more than three Jewish people in the South, one of which I already married. And I'm not going on any Cougar.com. I'm practically dead already, I don't have time to futz around with a Mrs. Robinson situation. I gotta reel in a man so he can help with my funeral arrangements.

I'd better go to work, as I am wont to do.



0 thoughts on “In which June does not forget to add a senior picture

  1. NaughtyPro says:

    Damn but I want to see you banging on a triangle on your farm, looking out over the fields to see the twister a’comin…or something like that.


  2. Dancer says:

    Her = Great Dane.


  3. Dancer says:

    Oh how I miss y’all. Life is busy. And, holy crap, my roommate is on vacay and I decided it would be better to have her here than being alone in this big house. I have got to make it to Friday. This is not going well.
    I got talked into trick or treating with friend and her littles. There is always a theme. This year…The Avengers. I’m going as the electrified Piper Pot. Blonde wig and all.
    I can’t wait for this hellish week to be over.


  4. Texas Kari says:

    Well, if you became a farmer’s wife, you could become the BFF of the Pioneer Woman. If that’s not motivating enough, I don’t know what is! You could prepare giant meals just like she does, and Farmer Gardens would be so delighted to hear you ringing that triangle each day.
    Alex’s Senior Photo Superlative would be Most Likely to Have Been in Every School Club.


  5. Sadie says:

    I naively thought that you banged the triangle as you called, “Come and get it!”. On second thought, you’re right. It is vaguely sexual or maybe not that vague after all.


  6. OutKast Lee says:

    Banging on the triangle sounds vaguely sexual but I didn’t find an entry for it in Urban Dictionary. Anyone care to enlighten me?
    Can we help you fill ou the dating profiles, Mad Libs style?


  7. Letha says:

    Well said! What a bunch of glutei maximi.


  8. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    I was out to lunch with extended family the other day – a sandwich shop, no less – and they all were ordering gluten free this that and the other. When it was my turn to order I asked for extra gluten. With gluten on the side. “Make my gluten a double!” I said. I’ve never been glared at by so many people at the same time. WHY EAT A SANDWICH IF YA CAN’T EAT BREAD, YA HOSERS? And there’s not a celiac sufferer in the bunch, I guarantee.
    Anyway! Lovely post June! Your party sounds divine! And with Celebrity Guest Hulk it will be The Event of The Season! And Senior Portrait Alex is not only lovely, she’s also a very good sport.


  9. Sadie says:

    June, a couple of Halloween costume ideas for you:
    1. A blogger. Go around taking lots of pictures.
    2. The blonde kid on your Wee Pals lunchbox.
    Can you tell I never dress up for Halloween so have no costume creativity?


  10. Letha says:

    Oy, we shall see.
    For better, for worse…smiley face.


  11. BamaCarol says:

    After hearing how bacon is a stone cold killer yesterday I retreated to the sun room and ate an entire canister of Cheetos. To be healthy you know.


  12. PJ says:

    Oh dear, not, um, that helpless is he? As Distinguished has been, I mean. It is hard to be distinguished when someone else has to um, help you…you know, freshen up.


  13. Megsie says:

    So does this mean you are not dressing up for Halloween? I always look forward to your costumes. I think it would be great if Hulk went to your party!
    Thank goodness about the accessibility of Cheetos.
    Lovely post, June.


  14. Darla says:

    Well, we we made our own almond flour (right from almonds) instead of buying it as flour replacement. And we didn’t eat many carbs, that’s for sure.


  15. June Gardens says:

    Maybe they survived by killing the comments.


  16. Hulk says:

    I wonder how all the gluten-free people survived 20 years ago…


  17. Idaho Potato says:

    Yeah, sorry…gluten free isn’t going anywhere. Lo/No fat was a fad, but gluten allergies/sensitivities affect people’s health. I am sure there are plenty of folks doing gluten free as a fad, but for those of us who can’t have gluten, it is a way of life. Fritos are gluten free, by the way, June. At least the plain ones are! Whatever you do, don’t move to Portland. You can’t find a stitch of gluten in that town! LOL!


  18. Letha says:

    Ratchet. Ratchett?


  19. Letha says:

    Speaking of Halloween, I will be portraying either Annie Wilkes or Nurse Rachet this year. In completely unrelated news, HH is having hand surgery this week and will be somewhat helpless for a few days…


  20. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    I think everyone should bring single, hot men.
    I once had a party and required all the guests to bring a single person of the opposite sex (instead of the usual wine/hostess gift). It was a great time, and 2 people who met that night ended up getting married.


  21. MTM, or maybe Phyllis, says:

    Lovely, lovely, lovely post, June.
    Your party will be extra memorable if we all bring Fritos. Oh, and someone can whip up the prize-winning chocolate chili Fritos casserole that won a prize at the Dixie Classic Fair.


  22. Sadie who may or may not have had cookies for lunch yesterday says:

    Senior pictures! You have the best coworkers, such good sports. And y’all are killing me with the pets’ email addresses. Hilarious!
    And best of all? Hulk at your party! Be sure to serve lots of curry as you compare The Nevers.


  23. Deb who is back to being Deb says:



  24. Nancy in CA says:

    I hate the grownup Halloween parties too. It’s even more irritating because a few years ago after being married for almost ten years my husband up and decides halloween is the best and now we host the annual Midlife Crisis Costume Ball. Good Lord it’s ridiculous.
    Also too with the gluten free. I have celiac, and gluten free does not equal healthy. Things like Cheetoes, ranch dressing, and most ice cream is gluten free. The good thing about the fad for me is that grocery shopping is faster. I don’t have to stand in the aisle reading backs of pickle jars anymore. So that’s fun for me.


  25. Deer Orangey says:

    So are we going to be privy to the online dating happenings? Because oh my God, we need to be. Use the cone bra pic for your profile!!
    You know I have divorced one guy I met on a dating site already. And am married to another. I learn from my experiences, clearly.


  26. PJ says:

    Wedding Alex’s senior picture is beautiful and I love the color palette. It would be fabulous as a floating head above one of the ones from the other night. I’m sure someone could arrange that for us.


  27. Lovely post, June. But now I am obsessed with finding out if Former Best Friend spoke to Formerly Thin Dan and if she said something about the added girth.


  28. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Oh! Letha’s e-mail too!
    Lovely photo of wedding Alex. She is really beautiful. I did like the photo taken at the bar as well. She could have TWO senior photos. Because she’s special.


  29. Jimmie says:

    I would bring appetizers (not Fritos) to your party if I were close. I’d bring the whole shebang. Seems I’m on the same path so I might as well go whole hog. Instead I throw a Singles Awareness Day party every February 14. We play Old Maid and arm wrestle. It’s great.


  30. Jeanie says:

    Lovely, lovely post, June. How I wish I could come to your party!


  31. darla says:

    Right? I’m like, seriously? June’s whole post would go to spam based on swear words alone.


  32. Linda in CO says:

    Even my kids are noticing all the inappropriate gluten-free labels on things. On things that never had gluten to begin with. Like Cholula hot sauce. I think a lot of people don’t even know what gluten is, but now must buy everything gluten-free because they heard it’s bad. Sheep, they are. Or lemmings.
    I thought Wedding Alex’s pose from the other night with her hands next to her face was her yearbook pose, but this one is even better. Thank her for her double duty (if she was sober enough to remember the one from Friday).
    I wish I lived close by and could come to your I’m gonna die alone party. I’ll bet it will be a blast.
    I can’t believe Lu is 8. It seems like yesterday you found her on the side of the road.
    Lovely post, June. As usual. (is “as per usual” one of the things that bugs, or am I the only one?)


  33. DStar says:

    Lovely post, June!
    The visual of you summoning the farm hand with a triangle…giggle snort.


  34. MissusB says:

    I loved everything about this post. Especially the senior photo, Lu’s email addresses, and ringing the triangle dinner bell for Fritos.
    Does Iris get an email? stonecoldkiller@audubonsociety.org


  35. June Gardens says:

    She is totally our people. I met her, and right then, I knew.


  36. Amish Annie says:

    Wedding Alex makes me laugh, she’s such a good sport. She’s one of us, isn’t she?
    Lovely post, Joob.


  37. Amish Annie says:

    If comments go to spam for using too many swear words, I’m fucked.


  38. darla says:

    My comment went to spam. I bet I used too many swear words. oooppps


  39. darla says:

    So many topics that hit my *team horseshoe* head, I don’t know where to begin.
    Gluten-free tastes like shit – but it’s that or nuttin’ for me – because, Celiac and shit.
    I live in farm country and I must say that I could not be married to a farmer either. The mud and stink would kill me. Not that being married to the chief of police for 23 years has been stink free – he runs into more skunks than anyone and I know and those Kevlars have a funk after 98 degree days under a dark blue uniform.
    I think Lu’s email would be fukkyu@irule.com


  40. PJ says:

    Oh my gosh, this post is so terrific I want to go show it to Distinguished but I’m always afraid he’ll start reading you and then I won’t be able to comment so freely (read crudely) or I’ll have to change my name and is it wrong to be so selfish when June’s posts are so wonderful?
    Lu’s email addresses are priceless. Speaking of which, it’s time to leave a tip for these priceless sharings. I mean, I’d SUBSCRIBE to this shit!


  41. Hulk says:

    Two more Nevers…


  42. June Gardens says:

    There will be hummus, and you must eat it off my body.


  43. Hulk says:

    I’ll show you what The Nevers REALLY look like…
    There won’t be hummus right?


  44. June Gardens says:

    Hulk, COME TO MY PARTY. Oh my god, how fun would that be??


  45. Hulk says:

    I have that day off. See you then!


  46. Letha says:

    Forgot to say that Wedding Alex is still quite radiant.


  47. Letha says:

    Banging on the triangle.
    wholelottalula@birdchomp.net (that’s chomp, not champ)
    Lovely post, Jooon!


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