Turkey in the straw

I'm hoping for a light day oval pad at work, seeing as it's the day before a holiday. Now that I've said that, of course I will do nothing but run around like I work in an ER without the doctor salary.

Perhaps you're wondering what old June is gonna do for Thanksgiving, seeing as she spent the last three with Ned and now she's not. Perhaps you're wondering why June is speaking as though she is the queen all of a sudden, in third person and all. June wants you to know she is reciting all this in her head with the queen's voice, or maybe that's Julia Child.

Perhaps you didn't even give it a thought, what Ima do for THANKSgiving, as they say it here, to which I say, hunh. How you gonna keep your June's big book of events up to date?

I'm flying home. Tomorrow. I wasn't gonna do anything, thought I might stay home and open a nice wrist, but my mother insisted and footed the bill, so I found a flight out of here tomorrow morning and I get in at, like, 2:00. So that's good. It's not the busiest travel time of the year or anything so I'm sure that'll all go smoothly.

And no. No, person back in Michigan reading this, I DON'T have time to see you. I get there Thursday, leave Sunday. I don't have any days off left this year, so. The exciting news is, Ima see my Aunt Mary.

On my father's side, all that's left is my father–with whom I no longer speak–and his sister, my Aunt Mary, who has always been a perfect aunt to me. Seriously. She's only 15 years older than me, and ever since I can remember, we've hung out. I mean, she was the person in yesterday's story who'd take me to get doughnuts and then to the park. She also took me to the zoo approximately 484582043 times during my formative years, plus also to the head shop, which was a place I got my penny candy and I have no idea what she was doing there. I know she didn't smoke the pot. Maybe she just went there to see and be seen.

I'd visit her at college, and I remember going to class with her. She gave me a notebook and a pen, and I doodled and wrote stuff and minded my own business. I was never a very kid-like kid.

Anyway, the last time I saw my Aunt Mary was five years ago in Colorado. We'd gone there for her 60th birthday, my father and I did. That's the LAST TIME I saw her!

And it was just by chance we figured out we'd both be in Michigan. We were on the phone the other day and she said how her cat's gonna be mad because they're leaving soon to spend Thanksgiving with her husband's family.

"Wait. You're going to MICHIGAN for ThanksGIVING?" I said in the way normal people pronounce the word. Her husband, my nice Uncle Stuart, is from somewhere over on the left. Grand Rapids? Muskegon? One of those, over there.

So on Saturday, we're gonna get together. My whole family on my mother's side likes her, too. So I hope she gets to see everyone.

Once, when my Aunt Mary was in college, my Uncle Leo happened to be going to the same school. They'd been studying at the library all day and went to Big Boy on the way home. You know from Big Boy, right?


I feel like every place calls it something different. I can't even recall what it was called in LA; Marvin and I just continued to call it Big Boy. Maybe in California they called it Bob's Big Boy, is that right? Here, where they say THANKSgiving, they call it Shoney's. But anyway, Aunt Mary and her brother-in-law-ish by marriage, sort of, my Uncle Leo (Uncle Leo was married to my mother's sister, Aunt Kathy. Aunt Mary is the sister of my dad. What relationship does that give Uncle Leo and Aunt Mary? Pick up your pencils and begin) popped into the Big Boy.

This would have been the late '60s/early '70s.

Their food came, but it was all tiny. Teensy little hamburgers, the slippiest of fries. Like a regular meal, but doll-size. My Aunt Mary and Uncle Leo looked at each other, confused, when they heard laughing. All the guys in the kitchen were hippies, and they must have decided my aunt and uncle looked cool enough to play a trick on.


So that's my plan. Go to Michigan. See Aunt Mary and so on. Today at lunch I have to get pill pockets for Lu, not that she's going in a pocket, then schlep her, her pills, her pill pockets and her brother Edsel and take them to dog daycare. Oooo, why don't I link to the webcam so you can check in on them? The first person to say, "June, I can't see them!" before my lunch hour has to pay for daycare.

The cats will stay here and watch videos and get drunk, the way cats do when their mom is gone. They'll probably have boy cats over. Although last I checked, Iris told her boyfriend she doesn't want to see him anymore.


God, it's hilarious here at The Pie.

Oh, and speaking of pictures, I wanted to show you this.


No. It isn't.


It's Alex and Ryan, stopping by my desk last night before they left. Note night before last they both had on white, and now they both have on black.

That's Griff's sports page, there. Alex has pie crust. She put it in our freezer even though she doesn't work on our floor anymore. "Don't you have your own freezer upstairs?" I asked her. She ignored me. She also comes down to our floor for water, which is funny because Ryan goes UPSTAIRS for HIS water.

That damn millennial generation.

Oh, also…


Bitchy Resting Face Alex, the Other! She came back to town for THANKSgiving and visited us at work. She moved to DC for a job months ago. "Do we have to hug?" I asked her. She said we did. "I have to take your photo; my blog readers will be delighted!" I said. "Do I have to have a bitchy resting face?" she asked. I said she did.

So there you go! BRF Alex, back and better than ever. I don't know if I've ever mentioned to you all that her dad is, you know, MY AGE and he's super hot. If you think I was tasteful and abstained from asking how her dad was, you would be wrong. (He's fine. He's still with his girlfriend.)


Have a good THANKSgiving, or ThanksGIVING. If you have to go around the table saying what you're grateful for, I double-dog-dare you to say, "June's blog." No further explanation.



154 thoughts on “Turkey in the straw

  1. I am pissed and I’m never speaking to Ned again.
    Happy ThanksGIVING June. If I am asked, I will definitely say I am thankFUL for your blog!


  2. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I have been kind of lurking/catching up for the past couple of days/weeks? So, I am caught up and Thankful For YOU ALL.
    Lovely post, June!


  3. Before I completely forget, is terrific to see Bitchy Resting Face Alex, the Other home for the holiday. Hope she is enjoying her DC job.


  4. Cash and Carrie!
    I can see it now, Thanksgiving dinner will be late all across the country because of doggie webcam, the new reality show.


  5. Finally got to The Blog and see that there are 103 comments already! Wow! Something’s going on…oh, a dog is peeing and another one is lying down. Of course.


  6. Crap! I perused all the comments to see if the oval pads were addressed and didn’t see anything. as soon as I hit “post” the comment explaining them scrolled into my vision. SORRY!


  7. “I’m hoping for a light day oval pad at work”… is this a typo or am I totally missing something and I’m the only one who doesn’t know why you are hoping for an oval pad at work?


  8. This post and comments! Fluff, fluff.
    I do talk about this blog to my husband, but he get confused because I have a very close friend in real life named June, so I have to refer to you by your real name, then he is, “now who is _________?” Frustrating.
    Paula IS the funny one.
    We are spending THANKSgiving with friends. Enjoy your time with your family.


  9. Loving the yellow lab/golden retriever on the Front Room webcam who is just splayed out on the floor while mayhem ensues all around.
    Happy Thanksgiving!


  10. Please. I’ll be checking the doggy-cam all weekend. Right now I’m obsessed with the one impersonating a bear rug. BUT I HAVE TO GO OUT, DAMMIT.


  11. Please. I’ll be checking the doggy-cam all weekend. Right now I’m obsessed with the one impersonating a bear rug. BUT I HAVE TO GO OUT, DAMMIT.


  12. Please. I’ll be checking the doggy-cam all weekend. Right now I’m obsessed with the one impersonating a bear rug. BUT I HAVE TO GO OUT, DAMMIT.


  13. Also, my dog is a girl, so she squats to pee, but when we’re on a walk, she lifts her leg a million times to mark another dog’s previous presence.
    I think I would be the same way.


  14. Like some kind of demented lurker or something I’ve just been looking at Lu and Edsel on the webcam. I know my husband thinks I’ve finally lost it when I explained that June had dropped Lu and Edz at the daycare and I had to check on them to make sure they were fitting in OK. Guess I need a life or to go do some cleaning which is what he is hoping I will do. Oh, and cooking.


  15. I know you'll think I'm crazy, but many times through the years when I go on the webcam and look at Tallulah, she looks right into the camera. Like she knows I'm watching her.


  16. Okay, Cash and Kingsley have been deposited at daycare. That’s what they said when we walked in today. “Cash and Kingsley?” I was all, no, Edsel and Tallulah.” We’ve been coming there almost 8 years.
    When I went to pay, another woman said, “This is for Cash and Kingsley?” Jesus Christ.
    I called Marvin to tell him all this, and when I was done, he said, “Cash and Carrie would be funnier.” Dammit, he’s right.


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