When we last spoke, it was Christmas–and you know how I love it, give me Christmas 40 times a year. At any rate, I was blogging at you and everything was copacetic till the phone rang.

It was Ned.

Dun dun DUNNNNN.

I'd taken Ned off my contacts list on my iPhone, so when he rang (am British), it didn't have his signature train whistle sound effect. He used to live four inches from the train tracks, and so I'd made his ringtone a train whistle. Plus, he absolutely loved getting all his friends together to pull a train on me. It was so romantic.

Anyway, so the phone rang like a normal person, and I figured it was some relative calling to say Happy Christmas because we're British, then when it was Ned I got all twitterpated. "NED!" I said, and I literally said "Ned." He laughed.

We both abhor this holiday, and his was officially over, so we got up for a Christmas drink at the place where we had our first date. It's a hotel, so it's open. Not that we had a date at the hotel. TJ Hooker, over here. I mean, it IS a hotel, but our first date was at the hotel bar. Calm down.

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Am particularly glad that I captured Ned, in what is probably the last picture of us, in my sparkly reading glasses. And also paying. Which is how God intended it.

Aw, Ned. Look at him. I've always admired his nose, which ends the way I want mine to, instead of having its grand finale at the ball. Letting the ball drop. It was nice to see him and his nose. And yes, I did get my pot back. How Stella got her pot back. Shut up.

 

Anyway, that was that. I am not reuniting with Ned.

I am also not reuniting with the Tall Boy, with whom I hung out yesterday.

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Mostly because he's turned himself into a chair. Billy Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one. But the CHAIR is not my son.

There's a story behind this chair. See.

I'm on the lookout for two floor lamps, cool ones; and an ottoman, an old leather one to match m'face; and also a couch. My mother is helping me buy a couch as part of my Christmas gifts. Christmas. I'll abhor it, yet I sure will take your gifts. Just another reason June is an Asshole.

Now that we don't have a June Advent calendar, maybe we need to get a June's an Asshole list. Like Santa's list, only longer.

Anyway, this means I spend quite a bit of time at this antique/secondhand shop near here, the same place where Ned and I got that tall bed. Yesterday, instead of seeing a couch or a lamp or an ottoman that matched m'face, I saw this office chair. I've been LOOKING for a chair like that for quite some time. Also, is it possible for me to take any photos in my house without a pet in them?

Photo on 12-23-15 at 6.51 PM #3

Nope.

At any rate, I snatched that office chair right up, bought the shit out of it, and brought it home. Tall Boy and I had plans to go to a movie, and he said he'd ride his bike over "around 2:00," and knowing the German Tall Boy, that meant he'd be here AT 2:00 OH MY GOD NO STOPPING HIM GET OUT MY WAY BIG BEN, IT'S 2:00 AND I'M GERMAN.

At 2:00, the doorbell rang. "Oh, good, I just got here with my new office chair. Come admire it." I swirled around in my chair seductively.

"It's missing a caster," said detailed Tall Boy.

What? Son of a …

I called the damn store, and they said I was "welcome to come see if it fell off anywhere." This store is a HUGE storeroom, so I was looking forward to that.

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So before we took off on Caster Find 2015, we fortified ourselves with Prosecco. Nothing says highfalutin' like sparkling wine in a Mason jar. It was the Tall Boy, in fact, with whom I had the conversation long ago that you never, ever add the "g" to "highfalutin'" and they should just change the spelling of the word. Also, nothing is ever lowfalutin'.

I just noticed there's a pet in that photo. Jesus, with the pets.

Our plan was to go see the movie Joy, but when we got to the theater, hey, guess what? It's the Saturday after Christmas. What people? I really feel like, as someone who goes to that theater three times a month EASY (see above ref to hotel on first date), I should get some sort of VIP pass to walk past the riffraff and right up to the popcorn. We stood in the line for a minute, but gave up. "There'll be even another line at the concession stand," TB pointed out, which is crucial. I don't understand people who go to the movies and breeze past concessions.

"Since we're here, can we go to Trek?" he asked, and I had no idea what that was. Was that like a Dirty Sanchez or, worse, a Cleveland Steamer? One delightful thing I learned from seeing Ned the other night was what a Cleveland Steamer was. OH MY GOD NOT LITERALLY. I mean, we Googled it in the midst of our conversation. I feel like Prince Rainier never said to Grace Kelly, "You don't know what a Cleveland Steamer is? Get your phone, we'll Google it."

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It turns out, unfortunately, that Trek's a bike shop, and all you women who go insane over the Tall Boy will be interested to hear he bought fingerless gloves, and the extra large was too small for his hands, and he had to ask if they had extra, extra large.

And a thrill went up over the land.

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In the meantime, since I'm never IN a bike shop, I wandered around and giggled at seventh-grade-humor things.

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Breaking the friction barrier!

Tall Boy and the earnest bike salesman were having quite a time, with their bike talk. They SPOKE quite a bit. HAH! Eventually, emboldened by Prosecco, I announced, "I don't know how to ride a bike!"

It was like when EF Hutton talks.

"Is she even allowed in here?" asked Tall Boy.

After that, we headed back to the damn antique store, and Tall Boy got all, "I've been looking for a side table. I've been looking for a chair. I've been looking for a red suede pump," until I had to remind him we were there ON A MISSION. A CASTER MISSION. And right when I said that, Tall Boy said, "Here it is!"

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And there it was! On top of a desk, about 200 feet from where I'd found the chair in the first place. I mean, WHAT WERE THE CHANCES we'd actually find it? We took that motherfucker and got out the store. And as you can see from the first photo, it's already fallen off again. Son of a …

But cool chair, right? I'm in it right now. How do you screw in a caster? How do you mend a broken heart? Step one, don't sleep with your ex because it's Christmas.

Oh! Oh oh oh! And I FINISHED MY STATISTICS TEXTBOOK! FINISHED! Oh my god, that was torture. But now I get to spend that money! Fleeta, at work, asked me how much of it I'm gonna save. God, don't you just hate the youth of today?

I'd better go. I'm off to see and be seen. By pets.

Lufff,

Jooon

34 thoughts on “The pot returns

  1. I, too, consider movie theater popcorn an essential part of the cinema experience. Which fact makes it all the stranger that last night, when we went to see Star Wars after dinner, I breezed right past that concession stand. I swear, sometimes? I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I blame menopause.

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  2. Carol in Mpls says:

    Cat #1, analyzing food. Cat #2, analyzing the keyboard. I think I’ll title that photo, “Still Life with Cats” for now. Also, Tall Boy is a cute dude.

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  3. Tami in NV says:

    Aren’t they, though? Great job spell checking, Tami.

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  4. PJ says:

    Thongs. They’re the worst.

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  5. PJ says:

    That’s a very pretty chair. Unusual, too.
    Is Tall Boy still doing the online dating scene?

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  6. Greensboro Laurie says:

    How do you twirl in a chair short a caster? Jolting.

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  7. Helen says:

    Shut UP. Figure out what that’s addressed to.
    Also? I lurve me some Fleeta.

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  8. monkleton says:

    Ever since Downton Abbey, it has been compulsory to have a dog’s ass in shot at some point. You can’t fight it.

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  9. Cathy B in Toronto says:

    Yup, the pictures of you (and your wonderful lashes!) are gorgeous!
    Love your new office chair too, and finding the caster, that’s great even if it did fall off again. That’s an easy fix.
    Tall Boy sure rates a woohoo in my books. I’ve been listening to Psychedelic Sunday on the local Toronto classic rock station (yes I’m a fossil), and hearing stuff that wouldbe right up his alley.
    So glad christmas is over. Really glad.

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  10. melvie says:

    I am glad you got up with Ned over the holiday. You are a class act because no way I could do that. And is it just me, or did anyone else read “smoother shitting” under the lube pen title? Anyone? humph….liars

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  11. Letha says:

    Oh, THAT Ned. I remember him.
    HH has all those giggle-prompting cycling things. Also the chamois cream (chamois is the heavy days oval pad in the bike shorts). The cream is called Assos. Bahaha!
    Lovely post, June!

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  12. Megsie says:

    Aww. Ned.
    I think that announcing that you can’t ride a bike in the bike store is hilarious! And Tall Boy’s response was too. I assume you were kicked out.
    I am glad you found your caster, and your chair is cool!
    Love your pet pictures.
    Excellent post, June!

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  13. BoomersMommasMomma says:

    I’m just gonna say that I was right

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  14. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Those casters are probably just kind of loose in the holes (guess that’s why one fell off). Get some E6000 glue at Walmart and glue the casters in the holes so you won’t lose another one.
    And, you got your pot back. Good couple of days recovering lost items.
    You look beautiful in the black and white photo. I’m glad Christmas is over as well. And it is soooo good to know we have a free week of free range activity, thank you, Bettydh for that bit of information.

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  15. Mommy needs meds says:

    Your Purple Clover article just came up on my Facebook feed & I fangirled so hard! I yelled, “That’s my friend, June!” My husband thinks I’m nuts. Also, I hate the word “fangirl” and the phrases “do life with” and “puts me in my feels”. I feel better now that I got that off my chest. 😂

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  16. Mudder Mary says:

    Leather ottoman to match your face. DEAD.

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  17. Bette says:

    Tall boy is… woo hoo….. and try using some of that goopy stuff… that sticks things on the wall, etc but can be re used. Worked great for my casters. Just shoved it in and then the casters….lol

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  18. Lee Una says:

    Ooooo! I love that chair. I want one just like it. My desk chair is worn out. (so’s my ass, but that’s to be expected.)
    Your Christmas sounds like it was filled with fun and cute boys. I’m kind of glad you saw Ned for Christmas. I know it was difficult, but maybe it will get easier as time goes on.
    Tall Boy is adorable.

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  19. Tricia says:

    Try wrapping some steel wool around the caster prong and shoving it in. That sounds filthy. Sorry. Just glad that Xmas is behind us and we all survived. Lovely post June.

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  20. Tami in NV says:

    June, this is not remotely related to the post but I know you watch Real Housewives, and hope that includes Vanderpump Rules. I’d love to know your thoughts on the current speech patterns of the 20s/30s crowd. The “growl” at the end of words & sentence, best demonstrated by Scheana (or the Kardashians), and the shortening of words, i.e. ridic for ridiculous. And, of course, starting every sentence with ” so….”. You often mention thongs that annoy you and this particular thing drives me crazy. Thoughts?

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  21. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    That photo of your face there is just so lovely. I think I just fell in love with your highfalutin self.
    Tall Boy is what? 22? My god with the youthful face.
    Welcome to the best time of the year – no looming holidays, except New Years Eve which is just a good excuse to stay home in my life.
    Love this post June! Can’t wait to see the couch you and Mother buy. What happened to the old one, anyway? Did I miss something?

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  22. Terric says:

    Good to know.

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  23. bettydh says:

    You know that you can be a free range asshole until January first with no repercussions. Santa checks up on you by the year. So, technically he starts over on the first. With Christmas over you have about a week to asshole your heart out and still make out like a bandit next Christmas. Hence, this is my favorite time of year.

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  24. Texas Kari says:

    Sometimes I really regret googling things I read about on this blog. Today is one of those times. I could have (and SHOULD have) lived my whole life thinking that was a toy train.
    June you look so pretty in your black and white photo! Was it hard to see Ned? You’re brave.

    Like

  25. Amy R. - also an Amy and also an Auburn Fan. War Eagle! says:

    I’m glad I have the time to start reading the comments again…I picked a really good day for that!

    Like

  26. Just Paula H&B says:

    Poor Cleveland. Why not an Akron Steamer? Toledo Steamer? Dayton Steamer? Ashtabula Steamer? Xenia Steamer?
    I feel like Cleveland gets a bad rap. Sanchez probably agrees.
    So you “got your pot back” from Ned and you and TB “found your caster.” Ooooookay then. Wink wink nudge nudge and merry ye old Christmas.

    Like

  27. Just Paula H&B says:

    Poor Cleveland. Why not an Akron Steamer? Toledo Steamer? Dayton Steamer? Ashtabula Steamer? Xenia Steamer?
    I feel like Cleveland gets a bad rap. Sanchez probably agrees.
    So you “got your pot back” from Ned and you and TB “found your caster.” Ooooookay then. Wink wink nudge nudge and merry ye old Christmas.

    Like

  28. Just Paula H&B says:

    Poor Cleveland. Why not an Akron Steamer? Toledo Steamer? Dayton Steamer? Ashtabula Steamer? Xenia Steamer?
    I feel like Cleveland gets a bad rap. Sanchez probably agrees.
    So you “got your pot back” from Ned and you and TB “found your caster.” Ooooookay then. Wink wink nudge nudge and merry ye old Christmas.

    Like

  29. peggy in MN says:

    Holy Cow…Hello!

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  30. Amy the Auburn Fan says:

    I did it! I’m first! My dreams have all come true! Also, I love pictures with pets in them and I’m glad you got your pot back June

    Like

  31. June Gardens says:

    Is it me you're looking for?

    Like

  32. Amy the Auburn Fan says:

    Hello?

    Like

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