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You've no idea how much time I spend watching this now. I count how long she squats, how successful she is. Also, why the hell don't I have grass anymore? What are you supposed to do about that?  There used to be grass back there.

The vet gave me some choices, and I'm opting for the change-her-diet, test-for-cancer option. The other was to drive her to Raleigh and get all sorts of dye x-rays and so on. The reason we didn't do the cancer test in the first place is it's, (a), $200, and (2), has a lot of false positives. But it if reads negative, it's really negative, so at least we can rule it out if it's negative.

So, to get that test, I had to do the urine test on my dog. It was almost impossible to get her to sit on the toilet and pee in that cup.

What I HAD to do, smarty, is follow her around, which I've been doing anyway, and put a tray under her. Worked like a charm. We squatted out there for a century while she strained, and her thigh muscles must be bangin' cause good lord. Then when I finally captured her urine on film, I dashed to my deck where I had a syringe, got it in a test tube, put it in a huge baggie and rushed to the vet, which was closing in 25 minutes.

One of my coworkers said, "Your neighbors must have been so glad when you moved back." I mean, really, I must provide hours of entertainment and dog barks. "Jeb, get to the winder. What in THE hell is Neighb-hair doing now? She got a baggie of pee."

I got there just in time, saw all the techs and receptionists, with whom I am best friends now. There's the one with the snake necklace, the one with the horrific voice and her loved ones should tell her. The older sensible lady with the tight perm who you want on your side when it comes to your pets.

I've been tempted to give you all the number of the place, so you can hear the one with the awful voice answer the phone. She's also the person who does the loudspeaker stuff. "We need Tallulah Gardens to come to the front, please." Oh god, it's high-pitched, it's cloying, it's loud. It's everything you don't want in a voice. She's nice, though. Dat voice, tho.

Also too, today at 2:00 I get a crown put on. Because I am a princess. I need TWO crowns, and I could have a new nose if you combine all the Tallulah dollars and the dental work. My appointment is 2/2 at 2:00. For my TOOth. See what I did, there?

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I was about to upload pictures of my grandmother that an old family friend sent, but I saw this and had to show you. Lu and her hoof. She freaking loves that awful hoof.

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My grandmother, at work, when she was about 53. Smokin' at work, man. That's where it's at. My aunt said that was a Pendleton jacket, and that jacket is so her. Plaid and sensible. With beige. I dress nothing like the grandmother I'm turning into. She'd be appalled at all my pink. She'd call it "jakey." Whatever that meant.

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I wonder if my hair is that gray. Oh, hell, of course it is. Maybe I should get all unfussy on your asses and let it grow out. Hang my gray flag high.

That's never going to happen.

We should really bring back goldenrod curtains.

Anyway, it was nice to see photos of my grandmother that I'd never seen. That's always such a cool idea, sending someone photos they may've never seen. Dear Enormous Member Steve: Do you still read my blog? I have pictures from Charlie and Sue's wedding that I'll bet they've never seen. I caught the bouquet. And a mere seven years later, I was married. It DOES work!

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I've got to stop playing with my makeup app. This thing is my crack. What do crack addicts say? This thing is my coffee. This thing is my Breaking Bad. Maybe they just go ahead and say "crack," too.

I leave you with one final thought: I hate Siri. You speak into her, she screws it up. You type, she autocorrects so you look like you've had a stroke. Here's me trying to text with FR Fay the other night. Here's me trying to tell her someone is moving to Massachusetts.

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Goddammit. I kept screeching into the phone, "MASSACHUSETTS! MASS A CHUUUU SETTS!" How do you get "Mickey said she was sick it's" from MASSACHUSETTS?

"Jeb, git over here. She's gone and done lost her mind. She's in her house screaming, "Massachusetts. Damn Yankee."

And here was me trying to say, "Fuck," which of course Siri corrected to "Juno," as you do, and then "goddammit." Siri cockblocks my cursing.

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Juno. How often does anyone not in Alaska say "Juno" rather than "fuck"? Juno you, Siri.

Okay, talk to you when I'm rockin' out with my new crown out.

Princess June. Juno. Fuck.

30 thoughts on “Juno

  1. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    Could the colors of that era be more sad? No wonder everyone was either on dolls or depressed.
    More cigarettes! I thought she was a renegade and was smoking Tiparillo’s.
    I cannot imagine trying to catch my dogs pee in anything. She squats so low to the ground. Plus, she won’t do her business if I am too close to her. I actually have to be at least 3 feet away and have my head turned away until she is finished. Lucky Lu doesn’t have a shy bladder.

    Like

  2. Mother says:

    Grammy looks very much like her father, Daddy Nick.

    Like

  3. Kim, who used to live in California but now lives in Arizona says:

    Ugh. Siri and her goddamn autocorrect are going to be the death of me. I’m so over that shit. I had to correct this several times because of stupid autocorrect.

    Like

  4. LurkerSheila says:

    Lovely pics of Grandma…at the art museum this weekend, I was entranced with similar slice-of-life photos of mid-century America.

    Like

  5. Bald Steve says:

    I read every day and I don’t have any pictures from Sue and Charley’s wedding. I would love to see them. Someone sent me a picture from the early 90’s of me without a beard (and with more hair) My kids freaked out.
    BTW I vote for natural grey hair. Would look really nice on you.

    Like

  6. Anita says:

    At first glance I thought Grandma was wearing plugs.
    Funny how 53 looks back then compared to now.

    Like

  7. Barbara says:

    “Juno” almost killed me.

    Like

  8. Myssie1963 says:

    When I was in the Navy there was one woman on the ship who literally chain smoked in her office. When they banned smoking in the offices, she pretty much stopped working and spent all of her time in the designated smoking area. She was hard core!

    Like

  9. so effing over snow...dancer says:

    yep, the snow here in denver do be much. but, my company never closes unless the stock market is closed. plus i live close to my job and all the roads were plowed. you’re welcome for the weather update.
    love love love seeing your grandma! when i started my first serious job my boss smoked. she kept a fan, that mostly drew the smoke in, and a coffee maker right next to her desk. that woman was hard core.
    hoping for a negative.

    Like

  10. DeDe says:

    Your grandma is lovely! For a second I thought the close up picture was you with a fancy ‘do!

    Like

  11. Amish Annie says:

    That is a way awesome picture of your grandmother, just awesome!

    Like

  12. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Great ideal LaUral.
    You should do the makeup app on your Grandmother using pink.

    Like

  13. Carol in Mpls says:

    Grandma’s in charge of the thermostat. Perfect job for a menopausal woman! She can cockblock anyone who tries to adjust it without her permission.

    Like

  14. LaUral says:

    Next Halloween, you should dress up as your grandmother. Especially with the hair. I’d pay to see that.

    Like

  15. keli in colo says:

    no early spring here in Colorado. working from home today as we had a wicked snow. and by work, I mean opening the computer and watching bad TV. June – got my first crown yesterday. The temp one sucked but the perm one is like butter. super smooth and shiny. luckily, it’s not a front tooth or the shine would blind you!

    Like

  16. Darla says:

    I laughed way too hard at your imaginary neighbor thoughts.

    Like

  17. PJ says:

    The phone! The black phone! The one June posts from on occasion. How does she do that through a photograph? Witchy woman.

    Like

  18. LinCA says:

    You are so funny. I love the Grandma photos.

    Like

  19. Megsie says:

    I don’t know why auto correct cracks me up, but it does…Juno. Killed. Me.
    Gah. I hate that you and Lu are going through all this. I am hoping for the NEGATIVE, because Whew.
    Such a great picture of your grandma.
    Excellent post, June!

    Like

  20. Sadie says:

    Happy Groundhog Day. The groundhog predicted an early spring and we’ll be close to 70 today.
    Be sure to carry your scepter with you when you get your crown today.

    Like

  21. June Gardens says:

    Is that, like, a cheesecake photo of our Founding Fathers in the background?

    Like

  22. Just Paula H&B says:

    Forget the goldenrod curtains. The paneling!! The thermostat!!

    Like

  23. Just Paula H&B says:

    Forget the goldenrod curtains. The paneling!! The thermostat!!

    Like

  24. Just Paula H&B says:

    Forget the goldenrod curtains. The paneling!! The thermostat!!

    Like

  25. Karla says:

    Gotta love that wood paneling! Plus, Siri, which just autocorrected to Dirk on my Kindle, is an idiot. But giddammit is cracking me up right now.

    Like

  26. Vic says:

    You are your grandmother. All you need is a More.
    Good luck with your crowns, princess.

    Like

  27. Persephone says:

    Jakey
    jakey
    /ˈdʒeɪkɪ/
    noun
    1.
    (Scot, slang, derogatory) a homeless alcoholic
    http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/jakey
    or
    jakey
    Adjective applied primarily to clothing: sloppy, ill-fitting, or badly tailored
    “Child, you are not going out in that jakey-looking skirt! Why, it’s at least three inches longer in the back!”
    by hootnannie October 22, 2009
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jakey
    Lovely post, June!

    Like

  28. Laura says:

    Your app eyelashes look gorgeous and Lu looks pretty content and happy with that hoof. Sorry everything is costing all.the.money right now. Lovely post, June.

    Like

  29. Megan says:

    Well I’ll be! First, bitches (which my phone autocorrected to birches)!

    Like

  30. Megan says:

    “Winder”. KILLED me.

    Like

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