I never even ATE a brownie last night, but this morning I was pleased to see there were some left over and my guests left me an edge. Oh, HELL yeah. Brownie edge.

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I had a few people over for sports night, because sports, and I made a couple plates of vomit.

Actually, this was seven-layer dip, which was seven layers of disappointment. I adore seven-layer dip, you might even say it's my super food, and this was my first sojourn into creating it myself rather than scarfing it compulsively at someone else's party, and eh. I don't know what I did wrong. Too heavy on the beans or something. I don't even think I LIKE refried beans. And refried anything might be my super food, so.

I was gonna have a lot of people over–14, to be exact. But once Tallulah got diagnosed, I felt sad, and could not imagine getting it up to clean intensively and cook a million things when all I want to do is kiss her ears. So I canceled the party, but some of my close friends such as Marty Martin said fuck you, we're coming over anyway, and Kaye said if she saw ONE THING look clean, she'd be mad at me.

So I made chili, and brownies, and bad seven-layer dip, all of which took maybe an hour to prepare, the worst part being I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AT THE STORE OH MY GOD. That fucking store on Super Bowl Sunday, when it was our city or county or something that was in said Super Bowl. It was worse than Thanksgiving. Or THANKSgiving, as they say here. Jesus. It was full of the hot sports men, though, and there I was in my Smitten With My Kitten SPCA LA shirt on. Tempting. Come break you off a piece of this.

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So it ended up just being Jo, of course, and Marty and Kayeee, and also my coworker Austin, whose family just moved into my neighborhood this weekend and he just needed a break from moving, already. Please note how when you're at my house, you have no choice but to be Uncle Billy from It's a Wonderful Life at all times, with the animals upon you.

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Why does anyone want to be my friend? Note how the animals migrate from one guest to the next. You may be wondering where the hell Iris is. I ground her up, made her one of the seven layers.

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I don't know why they thought begging would come to fruition. You know what a well-oiled machine these dogs are, with the discipline. "Anyone who wonders if Talu gets treats is high," I announced. "Tallulah gets whatever the hell she wants." Ahead of time I told her to pull out her cancer card as often as she wanted. She asked me to get her a bald wig but there wasn't time.

She did, sadly, pee twice on the floor while people were here. I felt so bad for her, because usually she has dignity. My poor sick Lu.

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Here I am, with my chin. Good lord. Underneath the looming cooter. I hate to sound like The Dude (no, I don't) but that painting really ties the room together. I love my living room now. It's 100% me. Meaning blue and sort of vaginal.

I have no idea who won or lost that sporting event. My favorite commercial was the Sheets one with the asses. Because ass jokes.

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Kayeeeeee and I had cup exchange last night. I had managed to both steal a cup and leave a cup when I stayed with her in the fall. What we did NOT know is this mystical thing would happen with her cup matching her shirt when I returned it to her. Blue and gray stripes are a big thing with Kaye. They are her super foods.

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After everyone left, I found Tallulah drunk in a nest she'd made. Nests of pillows are Talu's super food.

Okay, I'll stop.

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I had a talk with Edsel this morning. We sat on the floor and had an awareness session, like my hippie parents used to do with me. I totally need to look into getting some zigzag carpeting. Anyway, I told him that while I know he knows Tallulah is sick, I need him to be strong right now, and be okay with less attention sometimes.

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fuk dat

By the way, I Googled "byebyepie + zigzag carpeting" and came across a photo of Ned, and thanks, God. Have I ever asked you this before, if you've ever Googled "byebyepie" + any other word and hit "Images" to see what you get? I think we did do that before. Anyway, for me it's fun, except for when I land on the Ned pics. Which reminds me that this weekend, Edsel was sleeping splayed on his back, and I was racking my brain trying to think of which friend I could text a dick pic to, except it'd be Edsel's dick.

I couldn't think of anyone, but now it occurs to me I totally coulda sent that to Faithful Reader Fay. You gotta pick and choose who you share your tasteless jokes with, man. Pick and choose.

In sports,

June

0 thoughts on “Super Bowel

  1. Greensboro Laurie says:

    Tee, that is so sad. Good to hear everyone is okay. Was this the gazebo from the wedding that I think was this past summer or the year prior?

    Like

  2. Sadie says:

    Wow, Tee! Glad everyone is okay.

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  3. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Me too! Needless to say, it has shaken both families.

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  4. Megsie says:

    Oh, my goodness, Tee! How scary! I am so glad nobody was hurt!

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  5. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Give sweet Lu any treat she wants. At least she peed.
    Good friends are the best. Good for Kay insisting they join you for the sporting game. You living room is really beautiful. The colors are wonderful. I thought that was Iris on the back of the sofa.
    I agree not wanting to watch people participate in the violence that is contributing to brain trauma. We didn’t watch the game, but if we had planned to do that we would have had a major interruption. I was talking to a friend on the phone and started to hear fireworks. I asked if the game was over, she said no there was eight more minutes left. Then I heard another loud boom. I walked into our den and the outside was BRIGHT ORANGE!!!! Our neighbor’s gazebo was on fire, which is located between their house and ours. Needless to say, I hung up on my friend and called 911. It burned to the ground. Fortunately, someone driving down the road saw the fire and had already called 911. So, no we didn’t see the game or sleep well. This was really scary. I could not stop shaking.

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  6. Carol in Mpls says:

    I think I may have seen the Frontline piece. There was a really extensive piece in the New York Times, maybe mid-2014, which is where the hockey player’s story was examined. He was an “enforcer” so lots of extra hits, but still, only 27 when he died.

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  7. Sarah says:

    At some point I think you referred to it as the paw of insistence, which I have since adopted because my dog does the same thing. Except her paws are the size of oven mitts, which is not at all comfortable.

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  8. PJ says:

    Downsizing to Memory Care!

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  9. PJ another great post, June says:

    Look! See June. See June cook. June can cook. Look at June cook. See?

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  10. June Gardens says:

    MASH YOUR OWN BEANS!?

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  11. Thanks, Vic! I do make my own salsa and I got the recipe from my husband’s aunt who made the best. And she did the same as Pioneer Woman in using canned tomatoes. Aunt Caro said she preferred them because they were consistent. Fresh tomatoes, you never know how flavorful or juicy they will be. I am glad to see that reasoning validated by someone else!

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  12. GreenInOC says:

    @Amish Annie, @Carol in Mpls and anyone else following the CTE nightmare
    Two really good documentaries are:
    “Head Games” http://chrisnowinski.com/head-games/ and also available on Hulu, http://www.hulu.com/watch/446640
    Frontline’s “League of Denial” http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/league-of-denial/

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  13. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    Did Doug Simpson text you a dick pic, too?

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  14. GreenInOC says:

    I did a Google image search for “byebyepie” + “dick pic”:
    http://byebyepie.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f9367fb883401bb081e8332970d-500wi

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  15. Amish Annie says:

    I told husband all these new findings explains Brett Favre’s unfortunate decision to text a picture of his joy stick. Which is totally different than June texting Edsel dick pictures to faithful readers.

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  16. Looks like a great crowd. Just the right size too. I hate huge parties. I never seem to know where to land for good conversation.
    The layer dip (like everything else) is best when made with homemade ingredients. That means mashing your own beans, making your own guacamole, etc. I draw the line at making my own salsa, but I do use really good salsa. Also? The people who put packaged pre-made taco seasoning in with the sour cream need to quit that. Like Marvin, I have spoken.
    I think the sheep singing Queen was the best of the ads. Most were duds though. That horrific puppy monkey baby thing made my skin crawl.
    How did the chili turn out? Was it good?

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  17. Fay says:

    Oh! My nose!

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  18. Carol in Mpls says:

    Yes, this whole CTE thing is horrible. There was a 27 y/o hockey player here who committed suicide, and his brain was full of it.
    It’s crazy how it affects some, but not all. Ironically, I just saw Alan Page in my local coffee shop on Friday. So he played a long time for the Vikings back in the day, went to law school, and recently retired from the MN Supreme Court. Dressed and dapper, June would love him, as he’s a very handsome man of color. He’s 70, and is not known for having brain issues.
    I guess that bodes well for most of us. Having never played hockey or football, I’m not sure what to blame my memory loss on, other than the ADHD. Yes, that’s it.

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  19. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    Fay, Fay, Fay. She is the Marsha Brady of BBP. Cannot believe you wouldn’t think I would enjoy a doggie dick pic.

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  20. Maddie says:

    Paw of awareness = paw of meaning. Gah.

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  21. Maddie says:

    Awareness session? What the – never mind. I’m googling it….
    Paw of awareness. I’m stealing that it is so good. My dog did laser eyes and if those failed she’d do chin on thigh combined with sad eyes and pitiful laid back ears. Unfortunately by that point there was often drool.

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  22. is that that correct? dancer says:

    Coworker Austin and his family moved into your neighborhood. does this mean like marriage and such? or can I hope Austin loves his parents he’s taking care of them? because, very good looking man.
    I hate refried beans as well. blech.
    Commercial were so disappointing. The baby monkey thing – so disturbing I could not watch it all. No, just no. Dame Helen Mirren — now that was a good commercial.
    As for the Super Bowl – GO BRONCOS!. Now that that is out of my system. Yes, unsportsmanlike conduct – however, there were a few from the kitty kats that were not called. Overall I am glad we won – Peyton can retire – and if it wasn’t for our number one defense?…well, just sayin.
    Sorry June – that was a lot of bloopity bloop.
    Always thinking of ‘Lu and you.

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  23. Amish Annie says:

    Carol in Minnrofldjdmdujk, I’m the same way! Used to love football. Now I don’t watch it. All the CTE findings are sobering. Several months ago a young man from southern Iowa who was a star at the college level and played a couple years in the NFL died at age 27 of an accidental overdose. He displayed erratic behavior the last couple years which of course was well documented by the local newspapers. His family donated his brain to CTE research. The findings were released a couple weeks ago and it was astounding how advanced his CTE was at his young age. They compared the damage to the same level as Junior Seau’s, who was 43 and played many years in the NFL. By the way, my cousin knows Junior’s family and has met him, said he was the nicest guy, that if you didn’t know football, you would have never know he was a big time player, he was just that seamless and humble at family gatherings. She said his parents were just average everyday people and were every bit as nice as him.

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  24. June Gardens says:

    That's what she hopes. it turn out, resistince to be few till.

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  25. Carol in Mpls says:

    Looks exactly like my kind of party, and Austin is very hunky. Likes the pets, hangs with the gals (+ Marty), and looks great in his grizzled beard. Your seven layer dip looks like it has all the right stuff. Did you forget something spicy/kicky?
    Glad to see Lu looking a bit more attentive. Pee or puke, it’s what they do. I thought the last pic of her had a leopard covered heating pad that she was all curled up around. Still sending her healing vibes.
    No football for me, just watched my night of culture, with Our Zoo and Downton Abbey. I can’t watch football anymore, with all the brain injury things.

    Like

  26. ruth says:

    Edses ears look ridiculouser from the back. i love them.

    Like

  27. Amish Annie says:

    Resistance is futile.

    Like

  28. June Gardens says:

    If you ignore Lu's "polite" requests, she starts giving you the paw of meaning. She puts her paw on you harder and harder till you comply. It is not at all annoying, the paw of meaning.

    Like

  29. Amish Annie says:

    I love your house. The living room is so soothing and is actually a stunning backdrop for all the cute petses and peoples in your life. You have a mighty sweet group of friends right there.
    Always thinking of Talu. If thoughts were treats, Lu would be 3000 lbs right now with everyone thinking of her. That is so nice to have a chat with Edsel. Dogs are smart, even Edsel, he understands.
    The picture with Eds and Lu politely requesting some food from Marty made me laugh but then scouring the pictures again for the pets made me laugh even more, oh my goodness, they are everywhere!
    Lovely post, Joob. I continue to have bookshelf envy, color envy, house envy.

    Like

  30. June Gardens says:

    It is not. But look at Sadie, makin' it dirty. Sadly, Google Photos sent me one of their "Look what you were doing four years ago today" things, and I was wearing that same damn t-shirt. Nice.

    Like

  31. Laura says:

    Glad you have rocking awesome friends who came to hang out anyway. My shirt yesterday would’ve gone nicely with Kayeee’s — grey with black polka dots. We had tacos and popcorn and I actually roasted a bunch of vegetables before they went to the big fridge bin in the sky. I know — it’s probably illegal to eat anything nutritious on Super Bowl Sunday. Lovely post, June.

    Like

  32. Sadie says:

    I love Kaye and Marty with their ef you, we’re coming over anyway and don’t worry about cleaning for us. I like Marty’s sweatshirt because my nephew graduated from Appalachian State.
    Is Smitten With My Kitten a euphemism?

    Like

  33. Jeanie says:

    I had the Puppy Bowl on most of the time, but I did watch Super Bowl’s halftime show. Loved Bruno Mars. And I didn’t see one stinkin’ Super Bowl commercial. Not one. Must Google f’ing them sometime today. Prayers and good thoughts continue for Talu.

    Like

  34. carolineB says:

    You have the Thurber Carnival !!!!

    Like

  35. Megsie says:

    OH! And: Excellent post, June!!

    Like

  36. Megsie says:

    Here is the missing apostrophe: ‘

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  37. Megsie says:

    Oh, I love seven layer dip! I am sorry yours wasn’t up to the gold standard. I made it on New Years Day and forgot the CHEESE. How in the hell do you forget cheese?
    I probably need to begin downsizing to memory care. I am so sorry Lu is sick. I know I just keep repeating that, but ugh. I just can’t stand it.
    I DID watch the game last night, it was a good one! I started out cheering for Denver then switched to Carolina because: cuter quarterback and unsportsmanlike Denver. I was sad to see them lose, but I didn’t really because I fell asleep there at the end.

    Like

  38. Karla says:

    The only thing I liked in that whole damn super bowl was the commercial with Jeff Goldblum and George and Weezy and the choir singing Beans Don’t Burn On The Grill. The halftime show wasn’t even that good except for Beyonce and Bruno. And I feel ya on the seven layer dip, my guacamole made my son barf. Actually barf. Glad it’s a year till the next one!

    Like

  39. BamaCarol says:

    I agree with you ClgInAz. No more puppymonkeybaby. Creepy and gross.

    Like

  40. Vic says:

    Peyton Manning and the Broncos won. Great way for him to end his career.
    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  41. Lisa. Not that Lisa says:

    I love seven layer dip but only if someone else makes it. (Please note this is true of almost all foods I eat.)
    Poor Lu. She needs al the treats.

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  42. ClgInAZ says:

    I do not like puppymonkeybaby. Eww. I don’t want to see that ever again.

    Like

  43. Kitty says:

    All your friends have cute sneakers. Cute sneakers are clutch. Edsel’s dick pic woulda made me pee on the floor twice

    Like

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