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Edsel doing his sled dog impression. Or his Mushmouth impresh. Whichever.

It snowed again, which is very exciting for us here. My work is delayed a crummy hour. Given how much sliding down my street I did last night, I thought maybe they'd close the whole thing down. But no. I hope this weather won't interfere with all my day-after-Valentine's-Day flowers I am to get at work. My Presidents Day flowers. Because I'm a capitol gal.

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A lot of this weekend involved watching old movies while trying to avoid my statistics textbook, and feeding Talu whatever she wanted. She's been on this pill for a few days that's supposed to shrink or at least slow her tumor, and she seems to be feeling much better. She even harrrrrred yesterday. That's this thing she does where she buries her snout in the carpet or bed and snurfs around and eventually falls down and rolls and says, "Harrrrr, HARRRRRRR." She's always done it and I have no idea what it's about, other than happy.

Remember when I called that pet psychic the other day? She emailed me to ask if she'd sent me the CD of our session. "No," I wrote back, "but I also haven't paid you. I'm so sorry." I told her about Talu and how I'm forgetting everything other than staring at my dog. "Oh, my god, don't even worry about paying me," she wrote. "Let me talk to Tallulah."

Later, she sent me an email. She said she told Tallulah that her tumor was inoperable, but I would make her comfortable and that a nice woman was coming over to peacefully let her go when it's time. (That same poor soul who used to come make house calls for Francis.)

Then she told me that Tallulah said thank you for telling her what's going on, and for making sure we have more time together. That she will be appreciative when the woman comes to the house to end her pain. She said to tell me she has loved our time together, "You've given me so much" and that she will always be my Tallulah. "I trust you with all of me," Tallulah allegedly said.

OH MY GOD. So that was a sobfest. Despite Lexapro.

Really, I feel like if Tallulah could talk, it would mostly be about food. But what do I know? I see her being food-driven like Ned. "Do mom remember that grouper Lu had in May of 2013?"

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People have sent Lu treats, and tons of emails, and my coworker Slutty Pancakes gave me this Talu picture. Everyone feels bad about dead dogs. That's just how it is. Dogs are so much more appealing than us, I guess, even the bite-y ones.

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ded dawgs. hooo care?

Lily, sittin' on my statistics. Because cats don't give a SHIT what you're doing or when your deadline is.

I did take my statistics and my ass downtown Saturday afternoon, and did my work at the bookstore, where they have coffee and some food. I got (and I hate to sound like Tallulah and Ned) an absolutely delicious ham and cheddar sandwich on focca–foca-foocaa–flat bread. The side was grape tomatoes with olive oil and basil, which I put ON the sandwich and holy mother of Christ.

I sat in the window, not that I'm a bird or a mannequin. They have little tables in the window. I wasn't there 10 minutes before I saw someone I know, and had to converse, but after that I spent three hours in peace, doing my work. There was an unlovely couple there, clearly on a first date, and they seemed to be having a good time. They were similarly unlovely, but as I watched surreptitiously from my table, they both got lovelier because they both seemed to be getting happier as the date went better and better. It was really very sweet, although if you ask me, it wouldn't have killed the woman to have put on something cuter and to knock it off with all the talk about her kid.

Said the person who spent 89 paragraphs on her dog.

Other than proofreading statistics and staring at the dog and watching old movies, my weekend culminated in going to my friend The Other Copy Editor's house to attend her Valentine's Day dinner party last night. Before I got there, I headed to the inconvenience store on my corner, which never has anything except they do have Kendall Jackson Chardonnay, which is good. I don't know if anyone remembers Valentine's Day 2012 in your Big Book of June Events, but Ned and I had just met, had had maybe three dates, when he was felled by illness right before V-Day. I remember he sent me an e-card, and later told me he was in bed that whole day, and the only time he got out was to send me that card and fall back into bed.

Anyway, it was just me and me that V-Day, so I went to the inconvenience store for a romantic dinner with my good friends Kendall and Jackson and maybe some salt-and-vinegar potato chips. There was Harry, the guy who was always my guy at the inconvenience store. He called himself Harry, but his real name was something like AbuDabuGaneshapur or something.

Was that racist?

"Oh, June, are you alone on Valentine's Day?" he asked me.

"Well, sort of. See I've just started seeing–"

"Oh, I am alone, too, Miss June. I am so lonely," he told me. "Why don't I bring a bottle of wine to your house after work? We spend this day together."

And that is how I ended up pulling my car as far up the driveway as possible, to try to hide my YELLOW FREAKING BUG from Harry in case he went looking for me after his lonely shift.

The point is, Harry wasn't there last night, although I was kind of hoping he would be, to bookend that event. Instead it was a kind of hot girl of color who was funny, but that's neither here nor there.

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The inconvenience store was out of Kendall Jackson, clean out, so I had to get some shitty Chardonnay and head to TOCE's house. It was just starting to snow when I got to her street.

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But it was so cozy at her house.

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I love how the Baby Boomers are having a conversation and the Millennials are looking at their phones. Hello, stereotypes.

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I don't know how I managed to get myself in focus and everyone else is a soft blur, but it kind of sums up all my relationships. The food at that party was so good that it was the kind of thing where you just want to be alone with it and stroke your plate lovingly. I'd have gotten up for fourths if I could have. Holy crap.

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I was there for two hours and it managed to snow like a banshee in those two hours. Then I had to slide home terrifyingly (yes, I HAVE forgotten I grew up in Michigan) and had to clomp through this tundra in high-heeled boots to take out my trash and Peg's trash, forgetting that today is Presidents Day and fuck.

I know you wish I'd talk more but now I have to go to work. Happy Presidents Day. In honor of it, I'm Lincoln to my latest Purple Clover. In which I talk about naked teenage boys of color. So. Hope you think my article is da O-bam-a.

Don't Washington your hands of me. I'll Fillmore of your needs tomorrow. And I'll be Nixon this kind of talk. It's Tru, Man.

84 thoughts on “The one where June makes hilarious Presidents Day puns

  1. Amish Annie says:

    Yo, this fixation is REPRESENTATIVE of my other current fixation of binge watching Breaking Bad, bitch.

    Like

  2. Amish Annie says:

    I’m DEBATING if it’s going to be a productive day if I continue to fixate on presidential puns.

    Like

  3. Amish Annie says:

    I was RECOUNTing these puns to husband and noticed Poet and June are still playing the fun pun game.

    Like

  4. June Gardens says:

    I wanted to update you on her health. Didn't want to leave you HANGING, CHAD.

    Like

  5. MTM, or alternatively Phyllis, says:

    Y’all ARTHURoughly crazy. In a good way.
    Snow like a banshee.
    Good dog, Lu.

    Like

  6. Megsie says:

    Oh, the comments with all the puns! Well done Amish Annie!
    It looks like your party was a hit! I am so happy to hear that Lu is feeling better. And yes, the psychic made me cry too. Here’s hoping that she keeps on feeling better and better!
    Excellent post, June!

    Like

  7. June Gardens says:

    The Other Copy Editor didn't really GRANT me permission to take more photos.

    Like

  8. Texas Kari says:

    Lovely post, June! The comments have really make me laugh today. I’m so glad Lu’s MADISON is working for her and she’s feeling better. The party looked like it was really fun and a cool way to spend the evening.
    Re: purple clover – Ice Capades!! DYING.

    Like

  9. Sadie says:

    During the Civil War, the Southern women were told to not let a YANKEE DOODLE their DANDY.

    Like

  10. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    The White House is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, not 1607 or 1623.
    I think Lily should be billed for her rights.

    Like

  11. Sadie says:

    A chicken in every pot and a pie on every plate! Otherwise, there might be a REVOLUTION.

    Like

  12. Amish Annie, getting goofy now, calling it a day says:

    If Edsel met a dog named Vernon, he would sure as heck try MOUNTing VERNON.

    Like

  13. Amish Annie says:

    I am ELECTING not to use the word preamble beCAUCUS I can’t figure out how to make a pun out of it.

    Like

  14. Letha, says:

    Oh, so this is a passion of yours! And here I thought you’d just had too much coffee.
    All good zingers, Amish!

    Like

  15. Amish Annie says:

    June, when you go to secretly service the new man in your life this spring, wear a TEDDY and bring out the whips and CHENEYS.
    What?

    Like

  16. Amish Annie says:

    The Other Copy Editor looks like she’s been imPALINg that pie with her fork. It looks so good, I could eat 1776 pieces in one setting.

    Like

  17. Tricia says:

    I love a long breezy post. I know few presidents for puns. True doh.

    Like

  18. Amish Annie says:

    GOD BLESS AMERICA, I actually had to google that. Good one!

    Like

  19. Amish Annie says:

    I know what all y’all are thinking, I’m a CANDIDATE for the nuthouse. I wonder if the nuthouse is a WHITE HOUSE or what color it would actually be.

    Like

  20. June Gardens says:

    I'm glad it snowed today and we're finally seeing winter weather. It was so warm at Christmas that we had a GRASSY NOEL.

    Like

  21. Amish Annie says:

    Also, no bashing now, but I watched non-stop all the Watergate hearings during the summer of whenever it was. Until Gilligan’s Island and Petticoat Junction came on, then I switched to that.

    Like

  22. Amish Annie says:

    Okay, really must get work done but I feel I must come clean. As a young girl, when everyone else was reading whatever they were reading, I was checking out biographies from the school library on US presidents and their wives, colonial presidents were a particular favorite. And Madame Marie Curie. I have never moved out of that dork mode. So I’m not being a DONKEY’S ass by commenting so much, it’s just that when the puns started all I knew was HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!

    Like

  23. Amish Annie I CAN'T STOP, IT'S A SICKNESS says:

    The caption on Lily’s picture indicates she is making a DECLARATION OF her INDEPENDENCE from the dogs in the home.

    Like

  24. Amish Annie says:

    Sorry I’m taking the LIBERTY of posting so many comments. I can’t help it, it’s in my CONSTITUTION.

    Like

  25. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    How I’m crying. How can I not love Lu? I was here when you snatched her off the side of the road and she stole my heart.
    Lovely home the OCE has and you look quite lovely in that photo with her.
    The trash was wheeled to the curb yesterday and we were shocked that it was picked up this morning, once we realized it was a federal holiday.
    My husband had a doctor’s appointment this morning, no traffic and no patients, they all cancelled because there MIGHT be some snow today…in north Georgia.
    Is this sterotyping? I was SO put out when the door greeter at church was so preoccupied with his cell phone he opened the wrong door for me to enter when it was so obvious I was headed to the other door. He never looked up from his phone.
    I think AA is trying to Trump the comments.

    Like

  26. Comment Hog Amish Annie, I really gotta get some work done today says:

    Because the reception will be in Amish country, the only dress requirement is that you be appropriately COVER UPped.

    Like

  27. Comment Hog Amish Annie, I really gotta get some work done today says:

    Someone just asked how I was doing today. I responded I’M PEACHy while eating my WATERGATE salad.
    Am getting married to myself later today. Please join me at my reception where I will be serving Dolly Madison cakes and Billy Beer.

    Like

  28. Comment Hog Amish Annie, I really gotta get some work done today says:

    Yeesh, did I shut DONNA comments with my crassness? I’ll just grab some RICE and eat my lunch and be quiet for a while.

    Like

  29. Comment Hog Amish Annie, I really gotta get some work done today says:

    DEEP THROAT.

    Like

  30. Comment Hog Amish Annie, I really gotta get some work done today says:

    I’m so glad Lalulah seems to be coming out of her BLUE STATE.

    Like

  31. Amish Annie says:

    PARDON me on the tasteless cigar comment.

    Like

  32. Amish Annie says:

    CIGAR, anyone?

    Like

  33. Beverly says:

    I just read your Purple Clover article about seeing your first DICK. I bet it made your CHESTER go all pitter patter.

    Like

  34. June Gardens says:

    I hope to SECRETly SERVICE him.

    Like

  35. Sadie says:

    I saw robins here yesterday, both the males and the Lady Birds.

    Like

  36. Amish Annie says:

    Perhaps one of the new men June is supposed to meet this spring will be in the AIR FORCE. ONE never knows.

    Like

  37. Linda in CO says:

    Just BIDEN my time here, waiting for inspiration.
    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  38. Jeanie says:

    These presidential puns are making me Harding har har.

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  39. Amish Annie, more poor taste, I KNOW I know says:

    With all that cold and snow, bet June was wishing she was back visiting the Santa MONICA Pier.

    Like

  40. Amish Annie says:

    If June wasn’t so busy JACKing around with all that good food, she could have humored us with more house pictures.

    Like

  41. Amish Annie says:

    June’s hair is beautiful in the picture with one of the Alexes, she must still be using the Carly girl method.

    Like

  42. Amish Annie says:

    Letha’s trying to Trump me.

    Like

  43. Darla says:

    Oh Lu.
    Next time take more pictures of their house, please. I’m obsessed.

    Like

  44. Letha, this is cheating, but you people took all the good ones. says:

    Looking forward, am fervently hoping not to get signed up for a Cruz.

    Like

  45. Amish Annie, bad taste, I know I know says:

    It sounds like the dating couple in the coffee shop may have been sitting in a BOOTH. Perhaps her name was RUBY.

    Like

  46. Letha says:

    Also, great that Lu is well enough that you don’t have to Carter around.

    Like

  47. Amish Annie says:

    BURRrrrrrrrr, those snow pictures make me cold.

    Like

  48. Amish Annie says:

    AGNEW!
    Sorry, I just sneezed.

    Like

  49. Letha says:

    I love all of you today.
    Despite the damn psychic, I think Lu is getting up and ADAMS.

    Like

  50. June Gardens says:

    If you don't cut that out, I'm gonna move to CLEVELAND.

    Like

  51. Anita says:

    Abe Lincoln? Where?

    Like

  52. Sadie says:

    I followed your link GROVER to Purple HAYES to read about the first time you saw someone’s JOHNSON. Such a memory. To say you had forgotten about it would have been ADLAI.

    Like

  53. Sadie says:

    I THEODORE these puns, too.

    Like

  54. Kate says:

    Am just realizing pug is IN said first cozy picture, so ignore me, I am an idiot. Still, SQUEEE a PUG!

    Like

  55. June Gardens says:

    I aGORE these puns.

    Like

  56. Kate says:

    Lovely post! I read once that no one else is really sad when you lose a pet. Like, they may feel sad for you but they’re not really GRIEVING your dog. I completely disagree. A lot of us have been there since the day you stole her and she stole your heart, and she is a special girl. Sending you love and non-hugs.
    Side note, as soon as I saw the first picture of where you went to the party where you said it was cozy, my first thought was “I think that’s the house where there’s a pug!” And it was! Obsessed much? I am obviously as insane over my dog(s) as you are. I can’t imagine how hard this is. Hang in there!

    Like

  57. Amish Annie says:

    I’m SPIROling out of control with this pun stuff.

    Like

  58. Sarah says:

    Darn! Amish Annie beat me to it. I guess I’ll have to just Fillmore of my day trying to think of another presidential pun.

    Like

  59. Amish Annie says:

    Just Biden my time waiting for other comments.

    Like

  60. Beverly says:

    I think it would beHoover you to keep coming up with these awesome puns.

    Like

  61. Amish Annie says:

    Lu was trying to say Harrrrrrrrrding.

    Like

  62. Carol in Mpls, where there's some snow on the ground, so it looks like real winter says:

    June, you have totally become a Southern Belle. Snow Blizzard – HAH! You can still see the sidewalk. That’s what I see outside my window right now. It’s just so pretty.
    I’m glad the psychic chatted with Lu. Now she understands what you’re trying to do for her. I do wish pets could talk.
    Love the OCE decor. That charcoal grey/white combo is stunning. That dining room has a GWTW feel to it. I’d just like to Hoover it right up and transplant it here.

    Like

  63. June Gardens says:

    I’ll GRANT you, I need to stop.

    Like

  64. Amish Annie says:

    The psychic’s sweet message would be enough to Rock e feller. It’s Tru, man.

    Like

  65. June Gardens says:

    Do these POLK at your nerves?

    Like

  66. June Gardens says:

    I hope I’m not Van BUREN everyone with my puns.

    Like

  67. June Gardens says:

    I want some JACKSON, I wanna live. Jackson I got so much to give. I wanna give it, I want to get some too.

    Like

  68. Amish Annie says:

    Lu is beautiful in the picture with the old movie on and Edsel looks like a deer stalking a Quayle in the backyard photo.

    Like

  69. Just Paula H&B says:

    Verklempt over the message from Lu.
    I got a package of cookies for my family, but I’m going to eat them Obama self.*
    (*totally stolen)

    Like

  70. Just Paula H&B says:

    Verklempt over the message from Lu.
    I got a package of cookies for my family, but I’m going to eat them Obama self.*
    (*totally stolen)

    Like

  71. Just Paula H&B says:

    Verklempt over the message from Lu.
    I got a package of cookies for my family, but I’m going to eat them Obama self.*
    (*totally stolen)

    Like

  72. Mrs. Gumby says:

    Dear Joon, If you drove a more stately car, like a Ford or a Lincoln, maybe you’d get more traction on the snowy streets of Greensboro?
    Presidentially yours,
    Mrs. Gumby

    Like

  73. Jeanie says:

    I second what Sadie said in 9, above. I was feeling so happy that Talu was feeling so much better, then the psychic had to go ruin it for me. I’m glad you had a nice time last night, in spite of the blizzard.

    Like

  74. Amish Annie says:

    Loved everything about this post, very Woody Allen-esque. Instead of Midnight in Paris it was Evening in Greensboro.
    Too many things to mention that I loved but I will quickly say TOCE’s hair is to die for, and the very last picture is my favorite picture ever on this here blog. You look super cute in the picture with, is that Ryan or one of the Alexes and love the frame and picture of Lalulah. Can’t believe I was that succinct today.
    Absolutely lovely post, Joob.

    Like

  75. Sadie says:

    Also, I’m so happy that Lu is feeling better. The conversation with the pet psychic Pierced my heart.

    Like

  76. Sadie says:

    You drove home in that blizzard? I wouldn’t even want to Polk my head out in it. Too bad your office didn’t Grant you more than an hour’s delay.
    Lovely post, June, and how terrific that TOCE had a Valentine’s dinner party.

    Like

  77. Susan in Atlanta says:

    Maybe the psychic is a physic as well. You all know what I meant, I hope.

    Like

  78. DB in MD says:

    First I cried over Lu and the psychic, then I laughed over the presidential puns. Wonderful post!

    Like

  79. Susan in Atlanta says:

    The physic’s conversation with Talu made me cry. I’m feeling pretty morose already and that set me on over the edge.
    Re: the couple that got more attractive with time, I think that most people are kind of unattractive when you don’t know them yet. It’s like all their physical traits that don’t line up with the golden ratios stick out like a sore thumb. But then you get to know them, and that’s when they become beautiful. I kind like that progression from shallow to deep.
    Okay, my deep thoughts and I are going to back to work now. Thanks for this lovely post, Joon.

    Like

  80. Boomer'sMomma says:

    I am so happy to hear that Lu is feeling better. That just made my entire day. Thanks!

    Like

  81. carolineB says:

    I just re-watched a Woody Allen movie where the character, played by Robin Williams was out of focus. Everybody in his life had to wear glasses or they would get dizzy and nauseous.

    Like

  82. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Oh how I love a good presidential pun! And you didn’t beat around the Bush there, June.
    Happy Presidents Day!

    Like

  83. Vic says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

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