June speaks

There are three things I wanted to tell you about: the turtle, my conversation and the intuitive. Which do you want to hear first? …Okay.

Remember last week, when a bunch of you donated to my coworker Alex so she could adopt that dog and set him up in the life to which he is about to be accustomed? First of all, he's home with her, and doing great. He totally wants to get up in the cat, in a friendly way, but they're still keeping them separated. She's waiting for a really good picture of the three of them to give me to show you, but is having trouble getting the dog to sit still for a picture and I have no idea what that's like.

Speaking of which, here's more of the Lottie-in-front-of-the-laundry-basket shots.

First one, about a month ago…

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About a week after that…

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Last week…

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Last night…

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She slowed down this week! She's still between the top three dots, depending on if you're measuring her head or her ridiculous ears.

THE CONVERSATION

Oh my god, none of this is why I gathered you here. SO ON THAT DAY, the one where you guys donated to Alex, I was excited so I called my mother. I knew she and my stepfather were driving to his doctor appointment kind of far away, so I called the mobile. Because British.

My stepfather answered. My mother was driving, but he offered to relay to her my story while she drove.

"Okay," I said. "Well, I work with this woman. Maybe like two years now, I've worked with her. She's amazing. Really smart and composed and way more mature than me, which there's a stretch. She's had a boyfriend just forever, and he just graduated college, and they wanted to get a dog after he got a real job."

"There's a woman at June's job," my stepfather said to my mother.

"Wow," I said, astonished at my stepfather's…brevity.

"Okay," I continued, undaunted. "But, so, they wanted to get a dog but they wanted to wait, and now he has a real job so for weeks they've been talking about it and saving up and she's been on PetFinder looking at dogs. There was even one she had her heart set on because she liked his funny name, I can't think of it now. It was one of those celebrity puns like Charles Barkley, but it wasn't Charles Barkley…"

"Her coworker's getting a dog," said my stepfather to my mother.

OH MY GOD.

So what I'm saying to you is my mother did not get to hear every nuance.

So that's that story. I'd love to hear my stepfather's riveting version of it.

THE INTUITIVE

As you know, Kayeeeee has me on a budget, which includes not ordering food to be delivered. I have stuck with that fucking plan, but yesterday I was clean out of food, and did not want to go to the grocery store till payday (tonight). So for the first time in ages, I called the Chinese delivery place.

Shut up.

The delivery woman came, and she was all, "Oh my GOD! You got a PUPPY! What does Edsel think?" The dogs were outside, and she walked to the gate to greet them. You know how easy it is to greet a puppy, because what wriggling?

Anyway, afterward, she said, "I really hope you don't think I'm weird."

I love any conversation that starts that way. I mean, I really do. I'm instantly intrigued.

"But, I'm an intuitive. And I've always loved delivering to your house. There's just such a good vibe. And it comes from both you AND the house. Just great energy," she said.

"You know, I've always felt this was a happy house," I said, because I'm as weird as she is. Anyway we talked a little about my fabulous vibes and so on and eventually exchanged numbers and we've already texted, and I kind of feel like I'm the only person these things happen to.

THE TURTLE

Last night I was taking the freeway exit to my neighborhood, and I saw a turtle on the side of the road. He was huge. And he was stuck on this bend of the freeway under an overpass thing. (Official name®.)

Oh my GOD, that was a turtle! I told my own self, which is sad.

So I screamed home and let Lottie out of her jail. I decided to leave Lottie with Edsel in the yard and I headed back to the freeway exit. It was less than a minute away, but once I got there I realized there was no way to get to the turtle. So then I pulled into an office area that I saw if I could walk behind like a crazy person, I might be able to traverse this snakey area and get to the turtle that way. In the meantime, I'm Googling "Snapping Turtles" on my phone so I don't grab one and get my arm snapped clean off.

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Here's the office area. Annoying local readers will ask, "Where was this, June?" and WHO CARES?

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Here's the snakey part I thought I might traverse, but there was no way to get to the other side without walking on water, which of course I can do but I didn't want to show off.

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Here's me knowing I'm ridik.

Eventually, I got back in my car and drove the exit all over again, and slowed to a crawl, a turtle crawl, at the turtle spot. I was fully prepared to stop all traffic and lug him into my car.

He was dead.

Oh, poor Mr. Shel Gordon the Turtle. I can see how he GOT where he was, but he musta had no way to get out of there. I hate the thought of him suffering so.

So that's my sad story.

"June saw a dead turtle."

From now on, let's summarize my whole posts in stepfather speak. That will be your challenge as a reader.

Eloquently,

Jooooooon and her vibes

51 thoughts on “June speaks

  1. Thanks, BamaCarol. I’d like to visit him, in the Winter. Not a fan of the heat. He is not loving that part.

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  2. I loved this post, especially the funny story with Mother and Stepfather. Cracked me up is what it did! I’m a very curious person by nature (shocking, I know) and people make fun of me all the time because I ask so many questions. My sister says I’m not curious, I just have an inability to form my own conclusions.
    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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  3. I forgot to say that I also get a good vibe from you and yours…I am glad you got a new friend out of the Chinese take out rule breaking.

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  4. I always stop and save turtles too! They drained a lake a couple of years ago, and there were really big dead turtles by the road all summer. I was heartbroken. I love turtles. And toads, and frogs… (Sorry Paula.) I am sad your turtle was already gone before you got to him. (I also think all turtles are boys, apparently.)
    Lottie’s ears are SO CUTE. I had to show my daughter, and when I said, “Sarah, come and see these ears…” She said, “Is it Lottie?” You are here with us, June.
    Men are weird. I want to hear every detail. If I were your mom I would have taken the phone from him!
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  5. I called my brother to see how his doctor’s appointment went.
    Me: What did the doctor say?
    Brother: Nothing
    Me: So, you sat in the room and the two of you just looked at each other?
    Brother: Yep.
    Drives me crazy. Men.
    My brother’s thank you note: Thank you for the gift.

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  6. What a funny post.
    You did what my neighbor, Nicole, would have done for a turtle. I think you and Nicole are pretty awesome. The end.

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  7. I thought snapping turtles were big, had the big parrot-beaked faces and lived in water? They have the horned shells. Regular box turtles are much smaller, on land a lot and don’t have much of a head. They have a much smoother shell. At least where I live, they do.

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  8. Y’all turtle fearers, you do realize that the turtle can only move his head (and mouth) soooo much because of the shell and usually not very long neck and all? Hold him with your fingers behind the bite radius (between the front and back legs – like a hamburger!). Box turtles aren’t going to bite you anyway, unless you stick your finger right into his mouth. And if you do that, you’re asking for it!
    Good for you, June, for trying to save him. I hate thinking of animals suffering, too.
    People and their animal phobias make me laugh. OK, I wouldn’t hug a…..shark, but most animals just don’t bother me. That being said, all bets are off with those big brown hairy spiders. They get beat with something hard until they’re no longer moving.
    I think I love Lottie’s earses more, every day. Already love Edz’s earses.
    Translation into Stepfather: Turtle-no bite. Saving animals-good. Spiders-get beat. Earses-cute!

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  9. Thanks for trying to save the turtle.
    I always help them across the road when I see them, but one time I didn’t see one and I accidentally ran him over. I turned around (while crying hysterically) and drove back to see if he was OK, but he was already dead when I got to him. That was ten years ago and I still feel just awful about it.
    …..
    Story in stepfather speak: Hit turtle. Killed him dead.

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  10. Speaking of walking on water, years ago I saw a poster of Jesus in his robes standing on water, and Mary was next to him in waist deep water. She was handing him a pair of boots and the caption said, “Aw, Mom…”

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  11. Dead turtles break my heart. I save turtles when I can – I use a towel to pick them up because bite-y and full of water (or pee). But so often they have already been run over and many times, it is clear that it was deliberate because of where the turtle is in the road. And this is one of many reasons why I hate people.
    Turtles are just so dignified and ancient. I worry about them. I can even remember some that I couldn’t stop for years ago. I also remember a few years ago when I was driving by someone who had stopped to move a turtle – I had to roll my window down and give this guy an attaboy.

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  12. “No cancer.” Terrific news. Hope the surgery, results and recovery go well and have the same “no cancer” results.

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  13. We should have a pool if Lottie’s ears will stay half mast or grow erect. (Giggle.)
    I would be so sad to see dead turtle on the highway. Especially because you made the effort for the poor guy to save his poor, dead, corpse of a body.
    My daughter, around six at the time, found a frog while I was competing at a horse show. We brought it home and set that boy up like royalty. I went to the pet store, like a good, frog grand mom, to buy him live, pinhead crickets. Then we would watch as he chased them and flung his tongue out to eat them. Just like in the cartoons!

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  14. I found a turtle in the middle of the street once, put it in my car with my baby son, and drove it to a pond area without ever even considering the possibility that it was a snapping turtle.
    You were really kind to work so very hard to try to save him. That was sweet.

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  15. Congratulations on the wonderful news! How awful it must have been to be in limbo like that for two months… how relieved you must be now!

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  16. Marvin and I dated in college. We broke up for 10 years, and then I invited him to Seattle for a visit. We ended up getting back together and getting married.
    The point is, after that initial weekend, I called my best friend and we talked for 29485932 hours about Marvin, what we did, what we said, what would happen next, what it meant when he did this, what that might mean.
    454395023393494 hours.
    Marvin went home, said nothing to his roommate, till like two weeks later when his roommate said, “You seem different since you went to Seattle” and Marvin said, “I am.”

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  17. When my husband talked to his closest friend for an hour, he never mentioned that his mother had died the week before. Men are just…. different? He also starts stories in the middle. My kids (his step kids) just shake their heads at “Steve stories.”

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  18. I am so in love with Lottie I just can’t even stand it. Her face melts me.
    Along the lines of your stepfather…we’ve been on pins and needles for the past couple of months because it sounded like my husband had cancer. He finally had his appointment yesterday where we got the results. The small needle biopsy was negative (YAY!) but they are still removing it due to sheer size and other complications and they could still find cancer when they examine it. There was a whole lot more to the convo and talk of radiation and blah blah blah but when he passed it on to his brother he said “no cancer”. That’s all. I was floored. This is why my SIL and I talk directly because tying to get info from our husbands is pointless. Men.

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  19. Damn I am sorry the turtle was dead. Oh here is my turtle story. I was not driving in a car full of people saw the same scene where a turtle was crossing a busy highway over a waterway. I was screaming to stop the car. My boyfriend said no way it’s snapping turtle. UGH. By the way this happened in Rhode Island. In case you care.

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  20. Your stepfather must be the guy who puts together those one minute Year in Review pieces they run on New Year’s Eve. 525,600 minutes condensed into 1. It’s an art form for sure.
    Lovely post, lovely June with the lovely puppy.

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  21. Annette, welcome to your brother. I don’t live in the Roll Tide town but up the road a piece near Birmingham. Yes, there is a lot of road kill around here. Where I live it is not only dillos but racoons, deer and possums. Hope your brother enjoys Alabama…he is currently experiencing our lovely hot and humid summer.

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  22. I travel two long country roads, and I am a turtle rescuer. Also have had a big snapping turtle on my driveway. Didn’t mess with him.

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  23. I’m still recuperating from a baby toad in my laundry room this weekend. Eeeeeeccccchhhhhkkkk. My son ushered him out with an ice scraper while I hopped from foot to foot, shrieked, and cursed whoever let the damn thing in.
    Your stepfather kills me.

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  24. I’m still recuperating from a baby toad in my laundry room this weekend. Eeeeeeccccchhhhhkkkk. My son ushered him out with an ice scraper while I hopped from foot to foot, shrieked, and cursed whoever let the damn thing in.
    Your stepfather kills me.

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  25. I’m still recuperating from a baby toad in my laundry room this weekend. Eeeeeeccccchhhhhkkkk. My son ushered him out with an ice scraper while I hopped from foot to foot, shrieked, and cursed whoever let the damn thing in.
    Your stepfather kills me.

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  26. Oy. All turtles have snapping turtle potential for me. I would call animal control and report it. My bleeding heart does not extend to reptiles.
    My baby brother recently moved from here in NJ to Alabama. The roll tide town. He has sent me two pictures of road kill so far, both armadillos. The sick sense of humor runs in the family.

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  27. Walking on water and then a glowing photo of yourself. Good grief. I laughed out loud, then felt obligatory pastor’s wife twinge. Which makes me giggle.

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  28. You totally are the only person this type of shit happens to, and we LOVE reading about it!
    Bless you and your little happy house.

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  29. Oh, and I hate turtles! I worked as a nanny one time and the Kids had turtles. One of them (named Football) had an eye infection and I had to give it medicine. I picked up the turtle and realized it was the same size and shape as a Hamburger and I happened to hold it like a Burger and that just grossed me out so much I wanted to throw up. So that is the Story why I hate turtles.

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  30. Aww. I’m the opposite of Amy the Auburn fan… I’m a Georgia fan (strokes own face lovingly) but also too I LOVE turtles. Poor roadside turtle.
    Your stepfather is hilarious.

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  31. June ate Chinese food and saw a dead turtle.
    Once upon a time, I rescued a large snapping turtle from the middle of a busy two-lane road and lived to tell the tale. It was my first and only encounter with a snapping turtle as I grew up with gentle gopher turtles. To say I was shocked to see its snappy face is an understatement.
    Sadie saw a turtle.

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  32. Forget it. I cannot summarize anything to save my life. My stories are so long and confusing and then I stop and go back a few years to give you the backstory and then I realize that was not even important. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy your blog so much, because my train of thought is similar to yours.
    I felt the same way about my house when I first walked in when I was house shopping. So sweet of the delivery Lady to share that with you.

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  33. I have a huge turtle phobia. And I live across from a lake, so I see them all the time, which sends me screaming ( literally) back into the house. However, the turtle story made me sad.

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  34. Kathy is right. Those are so gonna be shepherd ears. My GS puppy did her ears the lazy way, with the lean-to and the TeePee stand. Lottie is raising hers thru sheer will straight up to a stand. I love her wrinkly forehead.

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  35. I can just imagine the sort of stories your stepfather must have written in school, by the way. His teachers were probably always trying to draw out more details.

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  36. Love Lottie! And your stepfather is just a regular ol’ Hemingway. Can’t wait to see the photo of Alex’s dog happily at home.

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  37. June had herself a day. The End.
    I would tell you our “tried to rescue a turtle story” but let me sum it up – it tried to snap my arm off. We parted enemies. The End.
    You are SO PERTY! And I’m no intuit. Or Inuit either.

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  38. The puppy is still growing. Had a conversation. House has good vibes. Tried to rescue a dead turtle.
    And Lottie!!! Those are gonna be German Shepherd ears! She’s so cute.

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