Mike and the bittwersweet croc

7:19 a.m.

This morning I was peeing, and Lottie ran in, took the toilet paper off the holder, and ran off. You know how all your life you've said, How can anyone beat a puppy? I have your answer.

Numbers sign TeamLottieAbandoners. Did you know if you type a hashtag and write something right next to it now, it immediately turns into some kind of bold link? I could get all types of people coming over here right now with my stupid hashtags.

sex

mesothelioma

(I've heard that used to be a popular search term. Marvin told me. Marvin, that social media expert.)

#Taylorswift

Well, why didn't that last one work? Goddammit. Anyway, hello, sex and mesothelioma lovers. Welcome. This blog discusses neither, seeing as I have neither at the moment. Life could turn on a dime, though. Why, just tonight I could have sex and catch mesothelioma all at the same time. I know you're kind of hoping for the latter, if you have mesothelioma and came looking for answers. Incidentally I'm something of a dick. Welcome, again.

Wouldn't it be funny if I had sex with Taylor Swift tonight? I wonder if she'd leave me any Thunderstruck? Do you like how I subtly linked to my Amazon wish list, right there? I'm learning about this sort of subtle linkage in my writing. Marvin taught me. Bah.

Anyway.

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I'm still looking through every damn piece of paper I own to find that damn blueprint for my yard that that garden store made for me in 2008. I've looked through all my papers (see mom being hilarious, above), and then just this morning I woke up and said, "I'll bet I put it with the big buying-my-house folder." And I'll bet I did.

Oh, and I forgot to say, note the time. I put the time at the top of this post, and I like that idea. To note the time I'm writing. Of course, I'll forget tomorrow.

Anyway, speaking of forgetting, I couldn't blog yesterday because I had one guy over named Mike who was looking at my deck, and then we had to dicker and deal and talk on the phone 50 times. Then I had a guy named Mike who came over to look at my grandmother's chair to tell me about recovering it, and he left his Reptile Collection II book here, and who on this earth selects orange reptile Naugahyde? Who? Anyway, I gotta call him but I'm riveted by this book and loath to return it. I've been poring over it when I'm not meeting Mikes.

Because there's a guy named Mike who came over to measure my door to put a new screen door in, a gift from my mother for my birthday.

Do you see what I did, there? I'm linked in. I imagine always talking about it detracts from the subtlety just a titch. It's like how any time Marvin and I ever Did It OVER THE COURSE OF SIXTEEN YEARS, he had to mention the next day that we Did It. "That kind of reminds me of last night. Heh."

Then he invented Facebook, because social media guru. "I should call it sit-on-my-Facebook. Kinda reminds me of last night. Heh."

Dear Mike Zuckerman or whatever your name is: Do not sue me. I was being hilarious and in no way did Marvin invent Facebook. Can I introduce you to my lover, Taylor Swift?

I couldn't help myself. I just perused Mike's Reptile II Electric Boogaloo book one more time.

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Yes, I wonder if you could sign me up for the aubergine bi-crock fabric. Thanks.

I wonder what riveting reptiles, what scintillating snake fabrics were featured in Reptile I? Coral Cobra? Bluest Black Snake?

Anyway, it's been a time, getting all kinds of phone calls that start out, "June? Mike." and then I have to wait to see if he's gonna talk about doors or chairs or decks. So that's why I couldn't write, because I got Mikes. Which would be exciting except Taylor Swift is a jealous lover. So much for being bi-crock with Taylor and all the Mikes.

I really abhor when people say "lover." Stop. If you say "lover," do you know what I will never be?

So it turns out I'm getting the deck, which will cost my every last dime but the one I have is literally falling apart, and as a result I can't afford the chair. And I'm gettin' the door because mom.

In the meantime, while I was doing all that, I asked you to tell me what to blog about, which you will see I mostly ignored, but Becky BadHair wrote in and sent us a link to a personality test that is just grand. Almost as grand as Lime Emu fabric, which I hate to tell Reptile II is not a reptile. Here: 16personalities.com.

Go take it! I did, and I am a campaigner. Which makes no sense at all if you think about how often I've linked to my wish list today. This last link, here, really is to my personality profile, though. Oh, it's great. And so detailed!

The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike Explorers, they are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

Don't I sound magnificent? I know I think so.

Aw, hell, I gotta get in the shower and go. But here are some photos and things I found while looking for that damn blueprint, which better be effing worth it when I do find it.

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Paula's Christmas letter where she details her Heart fascination. It never stops amusing me, her look of pure Edsel joy when she's watching Heart for the 93424056th time. Also, both her boobs are featured back then! It's good we captured them on film. We didn't know we'd be missing one. I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

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Mr. Horkheimer.

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Article–hard-hitting article–about my Aunt Kathy being in Paul McCartney's DVD. Apparently I know a lot of people featured in concert DVDs. I have said DVD, and Aunt Kathy has signed it, "All my lovin', Aunt Kathy."

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Me with a boot on my car in 1992. That goddamn place. They gave you a ticket every four minutes. I remember that dress cost $110, which was unheard of at the time. Except by me, who gladly shelled out $110. To be fair, I wore it for about 10 years, and then I wore the cardigan portion for even longer.

I was adorable. I would say I didn't appreciate it, but I kind of feel like I went around thinking, "I am adorable." So.

And responsible!

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Cousin Katie and me, circa 2003. I loved that purse. Not that Katie was a purse. The purse I'm holding. Garment district, LA. Was a regular there.

And here's the piece of resistance. Heh.

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The list of my ideal man, created after Marvin left me to pursue his social media passion. Hey, did I want to find a rich man, Daidle deedle daidle daidle daidle deedle daidle dumb, at all?

Dear Bald Steve: Yes, I just quoted a musical. Shut up. Love, June.

I need to make a new list.

Okay, I'm really going. Go take that personality test. heeeee. No, really, here's the link. It's riveting.

Let's just open Mike's Reptile II book one more time. See what we get. IMG_0762
Well, that 'bout sums up my life. A bittersweet croc.

XO,

Jooooooon

47 thoughts on “Mike and the bittwersweet croc

  1. See, this is what makes me wonder if INFP is really only 1% of the population. That’s what I am, as well, INFP-advocate. Daughter is also INFP, but I’m not sure which one.

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  2. Dear Junie,
    I know how bashful you are, but could you possibly link to you birthday wishlist? I know it would never occur to you.
    Also, too, the “DO NOT MOVE THIS VEHICLE” sign with the boot and the list of your ideal man both slayed me.

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  3. I love looking at your old pictures and postcards…you sure are purty Junie May and funny too!

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  4. With regard to the word LOVER, Tina Fey once said, “The only place I want to see the word lover is between ‘meat’ and ‘pizza’!” (Trademark Pizza Hut)

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  5. Oh, and June? At the bottom of your posts it already lists a time, although it said 8:14 AM opposed to your 7:19 AM. It may be because I am in a different time zone as you are,and it is polite and changes it for me.

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  6. I am a Campaigner as well…it is a GRrrrrreatttt quiz! So your Bittersweet Croc reminded me of this song:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D9_YUbKXGc
    I missed the Soul Asylum concert on June 18 because I had to go to a softball tournament with my daughter in Watertown, South Dakota. My husband took my son. I am still a bittersweet heart because of it…
    I am excited about your deck! Expensive, but exciting! I can’t wait to see it. Are they starting soon? I hope you find your blue print. And, I LOVE your list! It killed me! As did Mother’s postcard! You two are hilarious!
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  7. Are you sure you didn’t get The Scofflaw personality? Honey, you are supposed to pay the parking tickets. They don’t give them out for fun. Hullloooo.
    You know the minute you have the chair recovered, Lottie will take it over. Better find Triple-Rubs.

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  8. I love these stream of consciousness posts…Taylor Swift, sex, mesothelioma. I knew when I laughed out loud after the first paragraph, this was gonna be a good one!
    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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  9. I took that personality test a few years ago and I am an INTJ. I don’t even remember what all that entails except that I’m introverted and logical, not given to wild emotions, which is true.
    I love this post, June!! It cracked me up! Your list kills me. I’ve been married so long now, I don’t even know what I’d put on a list. I’ll give it some thought and report back.
    The picture of the Petrified Forest is super creepy with the giant hands and feet and weird genitals.

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  10. My sister and I married two Mikes who were friends and roomates. Michael is the most popular male name.
    Love the $110.00 dress. Adorable and you in it. Quality lasts. I like the purse too. Pretty June has good taste. Congratulations on getting the deck. Off to take that test too.

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  11. I am a mediator. 74% introverted, makes sense. I make more decisions with my heart rather than my head, I agree with that. Interesting test.

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  12. That Mr. Horkheimer sure was a handsome fellow! Those lined eyes and that pink nose… I just want to snuggle him so hard. I have a Mike here who is very handy if you need anymore Mikes wandering through your house or calling you.
    I’m off to take the personality test.

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  13. I suspect “double rubs” are a quality-control test to see how well the material holds up to scuffing. But it would be fun to find other definitions for a bi-croc with double rubs, now matter the color.

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  14. I’m in the 1% of population – Advocate.
    If that’s supposed to make me feel special, it does not.
    I see it as “you’re a freak”.

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  15. Croc and Bi-croc…..TMI of the animal kingdom! Although it doesn’t surprise me the croc is only 35,000 double rubs and the bi-croc is 100,000! Makes perfect sense the croc is bittersweet – missing out on all that rubbing. This makes for a much more interesting conversation than any coffee table book. I say go for bi-croc upholstery and a matching croc throw pillow just to discuss the rubs. Please also tell croc Mike that there is no ‘K’ in croc! It cheapens the allure and he should give you a discount. And your $110 dress was worth the cost! You look adorable in it!

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  16. Lovely post, June.
    The test says I’m an INFP (Mediator) but apparently I’m slightly wishy-washy on the last letter, because other times I’ve come out as INFJ (Advocate).
    Love Mother’s funny postcard and your 2003 purse (I currently have a similar one from last year: hashtagTarget)

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  17. I am also a defender. I felt very wishy-washy taking that test. Also? I have that Dog-earred bone necklace in gold. I always have it on even though I’m somewhat allergic to it. Lovely post, lovely June. Congratulations on the new deck.

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  18. Well, I’m not taking that test. I don’t need validation that I am an Organized, Efficient Bore.
    I have some name ideas for that crocodile book, but they reference that Nebraskan Toddler (chomp) and it’s too early to start offending your more sensitive readers.

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  19. Well, I’m not taking that test. I don’t need validation that I am an Organized, Efficient Bore.
    I have some name ideas for that crocodile book, but they reference that Nebraskan Toddler (chomp) and it’s too early to start offending your more sensitive readers.

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  20. Well, I’m not taking that test. I don’t need validation that I am an Organized, Efficient Bore.
    I have some name ideas for that crocodile book, but they reference that Nebraskan Toddler (chomp) and it’s too early to start offending your more sensitive readers.

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  21. You should get yourself a Hard Mike. My personal favorite.
    Double rubbed. Kinda reminds me of last night. Heh. Copyrightsign Marvin.
    You WERE adorable. Still are actually. And so so pretty!
    Off to find out what hey call this personality of mine. Probably something that would fit in Reptile Ii.

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  22. ran off an took the quiz. ‘the executive’.
    i hope you’re getting the whole back yard covered in deck. that’ll solve THAT problem.

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  23. What in the world are the double rubs, and why are they listed in the many thousands on both samples? Fascinated. Great post, June. Glad you’re getting a deck!

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