Oh, good. I get to read about someone’s trip.

I hate brunch.

There's the part where you're expected to get up, WITH NO FOOD OR COFFEE IN YOU, and head to some crowded restaurant, then wait in a lobby for a hundred minutes. Then always–ALWAYS!!–some asshole party of 10 is just before you, because hey, what's more fun than a huge GROUP going to brunch where it's already crowded.

Then you have to wait. For more coffee, for your food, for your check, and in the meantime, some asshole is singing Fire and Rain on his acoustic guitar, which is supposed to relax you and make you forget you've waited 45 minutes JUST FOR ONE CUP OF COFFEE SO FAR, when really that song is about a terrible plane crash, so relaxingness, not accomplished.

But I just figured out yesterday, as I waited 250 minutes for an egg, that another reason I hate going to brunch is how awful people look. It's so obvious they've rolled out of bed and just shuffled on in. Dear People At Brunch: Put on some goddamn pants. "Oh, these yoga pants and m'flipflops will suffice."

NO THEY WON'T.

I'm the only person you know who could come back from the beach even crankier than before. I totally need one of those flipflop stickers for my back window, and maybe a "Beach Girl" license plate. If you ever see me with either one of those, you'll know it's time to put me in the home. My ex-mother-in-law used to say that about if we ever saw her out in a sweatsuit.

You know what my ex-MIL would never do? Wear yoga pants to brunch.

Despite that, I did have fun. It was like the perfect vacation. The weather was divine, and I just said "divine." The little place I stayed was perfect, and mercifully empty till this asshole couple arrived on Saturday and decided blaring their music and opening their back doors right next to me was a marvelous idea. They also made out in their bathing suits on the back porch. Our shared back porch. I went outside and pretended they weren't there and read a book. Like the jerk of an old lady that I am.

One of the songs they were blaring was, I'm sad to tell you, I've Had The Time of My Life. You know, from Dirty Dancing? She had some kind of extended dance remix of it, and who knew there was such a thing. When this jerk of a young chippie wasn't carrying a glass–A GLASS–of mimosa to the beach and making out with her boyfriend, whom she continually called, "Baby," she was jamming out to that song. She was singing along. I was reading my book just to irk her back there, and I was all, "Bitch, I was out here in the world hating this song before you were a zygote."

Anyway, they were only there the last full day, as I said, and they left midafternoon and I didn't hear from them again till Sunday morning, which is what drove me to get eggs in public.

Other than that, it really was the perfect vacation.

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Here's my hair on day one.

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Later on day one.

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Day two, then below, days four and five. On day three, I went to town and had civilized hair. If anyone says, "Beach hair don't care," Ima personally drive to your house and make you wait tables at brunch.

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I sat in the giant chair at my rental house and looked at the water and obsessed over the bunnies who could not have hated me more,

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I had a dark-chocolate s'more (not a euphemism), and watched sunsets. I was on a point, so I could see water all around me.

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I saw three shooting stars on various nights, and oh! I saw a dead jellyfish!

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That poor jellyfish. The water was his jam.

I also went to Wilmington, which is right next to the beach I stayed at. Whenever you say you're going to the beach, people here are all, "Oh, what beach?" and then you tell them and I have no idea what they're thinking about you as a result. Do they think that's a tacky beach? That you sound rich cause you picked that beach? I have no idea. So far since I've lived here I've gone to the Outer Banks, and Carolina Beach, and Wrightsville Beach and Virginia Beach and I forget the others and they all look the same to me anyway, water and sand, which also by the way pisses people off. I guess it's like asking what church you go to. It tells a lot about a person.

Anyway, I went to Wilmington for the day, and saw people Halloween-ing, and saw many dogs, and went to a coffee shop and to the book store and bought jewelry I didn't need as opposed to all the people in the world who go without jewelry every single day, and that's the real tragedy we should be addressing in these times.

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Maybe this was a funeral procession for that jellyfish. You can't know, really.

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In a coffee shop window. There are two types of people in the world: People who love to sit in the window of the coffee shop, and people who never would. Guess which type I am.

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Bookstore sitting. I found an '80s Judith Krantz novel I read back when I had a perm, and I didn't buy it but now I wish I had, just to relive the terrible. It was called I'll Take Manhattan. The heroine was rich and beautiful and spirited. It really pisses me off when rich beautiful people think it's daring to be spirited. "Oh, I'm Prince Harry. Look at me rebel! With my bodyguards and my lifelong career as a royal!"

Anyway. You know what my dream is? To own a bookstore and have a bookstore cat. There's just the part where I'd have to know business things like maths and also I hate people. Oooo, I could have a brunch-and-books store. 

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Anyway, it was a good trip, and now I'm home sharing my toast with Edsel, and with each crust, he leaps in the air after it and a squeak of Eds gas comes along with it, which is probably god's way of telling me that Edsel should not be leaping after my toast crust, and what's sad is god speaks to me in dog gas.

This is the word of the Lord. <squeeeeeak>

Thanks be to God.

Oh, and happy Halloween! Boo! My coworkers are all going dressed as Griff this year, which is hilarious, but I was out of town and unable to fashion an ensemble, so I guess I'll just watch from afar this year.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, when I will have far fewer selfies, a thing that I'm sure makes you sad. Talk to you in November. Today's assignment is that we all must rush out and rent Sweet November. The old version with that namby-pamby pale actress. Then we can all get annoyed at how dying just means you nap a lot.

Edsel gas in red font-ly,

June

42 thoughts on “Oh, good. I get to read about someone’s trip.

  1. I just watched “Wild” last night and your time lapse hair photos reminded me of Reese Witherspoon hiking the PCT getting quite disheveled. Moments later, you’re sitting in the coffee shop looking fabulous: “whew, it sure was hot out there in the desert without any water for 7 weeks… I think I’ll have a Snapple”

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  2. Yes we are. My mom and one biological sister are pears. The baby sister is an hourglass when she’s thinner. Lucky them!

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  3. Glad you’re back, next time someone blares music late or just it just annoys you, do what we do, get up early and blare church music.

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  4. I adore my yoga pants too. I am also an apple. I wear my looser plus sized yoga pants with loose tunic style shirts. Otherwise I do elastic waists. It’s the only thing that works now

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  5. Welcome back, Juuune! I missed you.
    I am really surprised by the brunch haters. I love fancy brunch! Anytime I can have a day that begins with Bloody Marys followed by shrimp and grits is a great day! GREAT DAY!
    June, I want you to have your own bookstore with a bookstore cat. I can totally see it! It would be like the one Hugh Grant owns in Notting Hill and you must call it a bookshop, not a bookstore. Perfect!
    Hey, June! Remember to put your signs in the sign closet.

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  6. Deep Purple’s song, Smoke On The Water, is about a big fire at a gambling place by water over in Switzerland. The bandmembers were watching the fire from their hotel room. They were supposed to begin recording their album there the next day but the fire took care of that. I think Frank Zappa was performing when it started. I found all this out from husband this weekend on a road trip. We were in the car in the middle of Nebraska, the song came on the radio, and he shared the story. I just kind of stared at him trying to process how the hell he even knew that. We’ve been together since zygote status just about and it still slays me when he will share some story or some something that I haven’t heard 25 times before.
    That bookstore looks awesome! OH CRAP THAT REMINDS ME…JOOB!! I had a dream this weekend that your book was newly published and we were fighting here in the comments about where you should do book signing events as you only had so much time off work. I remember thinking I wished the publisher would have had you ask for more than a couple days off work so you could do a book tour too.
    You’re so pretty!

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  7. I used to go to brunch fairly often when I was in my twenties – inevitably hungover, wearing whatever it was from the night before, and usually with some guy whom I had recently met. I would be overly dressed with bed head and smeared make-up, queasy with a side of not-sure-I-will-see-you-again. Oh, youth, where have you gone?
    I now live a quiet existence; brunch-free and sporting yoga pants whenever I don’t have to go to work.

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  8. Glad you enjoyed your vacation. In Georgia we always ask which beach, because we have the Gulf beaches and the Atlantic beaches. The water and sand are beautiful on the Gulf.
    I’m with you on the hating brunch and please don’t play ANY music, it is so annoying trying to enjoy a meal with all that music.
    Hilarious post.

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  9. Glad you had a great trip! Susan in Atlanta and I finally met in person for the first time ever while you were gone. As we sat there enjoying our dinner and conversation, a random guy came to our table and asked us if we were a lesbian couple. Susan looked at me and said, “What? We’re not even eating tacos.” Maybe we should try meeting for brunch next time and people won’t be awake enough to talk to us.

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  10. Junie!
    Loved the pictures… your hair is so amazing!
    What tho… no pics of the couple next door? Ha ha
    Wilmington is beautiful…. there is a restaurant on the waterfront that I loved but can’t recall the name. I went for the buggy tour and saw the most amazing houses. They also had stores there… gone now probably… but they were Betty’s, Sally’s and Ed’… ha ha… me and my sis and bro.
    Pretty funny….
    I do miss the beach but love my Arizona winters… oh dear can’t I have it all?
    Well, my daughter still lives there and just got married so I suppose she will let me come to see the beach!
    Your vacation sounded awesome tho
    hugs

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  11. Had the house to myself for the long holiday weekend, which is like vacationing alone, but without the hair, the selfies, and brunch. Happy Nevada Day, y’all!

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  12. June, you are a brunch novice. You do not wait until brunch for coffee!That is pure insanity. (I don’t wait for food either) Coffee at home is the only way to not want to stab brunch in the eye. Although brunch here is at 1pm, so maybe that’s why.

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  13. I hate brunch. Socializing and stuffing my face in the a.m. is not enjoyable. I think 3pm gluttony should be a thing. I can people and eat like nobody’s business in the afternoon. I do love the beach and will judge you for your beach choice. I went to a pretentious beach this year and acted pretentious, because Rome-Romans, you know. Next year I may do a trashy beach and act trashy.

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  14. This is the word of the Lord.
    Thanks be to God.
    How am I ever going to make it through Mass next week with a straight face?!
    Oh, and I’m from North Carolina and the reason I ask people which beach they are going to is because I want to know if it’s the same beach that I go to. That way you can talk about the restaurants, shops, etc. that you like or don’t like.

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  15. Wait….”Fire and Rain” is about a plane crash? I thought she had killed herself because she was in a mental institution with him. It’s unnerving to think I’ve been wrong all these years.

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  16. “Fire and Rain” isn’t about a plane crash, it is about addiction. Suzanne didn’t die in a plane crash, she killed herself. His bandmates didn’t tell him for 6 months because they didn’t him to get torn up over it and ruin his career. Someone told me this and I checked it out on Snopes.com. I’m glad you had a great vacation. I would have played something very non-romantic for the couple making out, like “The Ballad of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” I bet it’s hard to grind to that song.

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  17. Welcome back! Oh, it looks so lovely there at that beach. The dead jellyfish looks like horse teeth to me. Maybe I have seen too many horse teeth in my day. Also, the “Thanks be to God” + Edsel gas killed me. When I saw Sweet November, my group of friends who went to see it with me had just shared words that irked them. One friend said she didn’t like the word undulating because it sounded like sex to her. So, I am such a good friend that during the sex scene in that movie, I turned to her and whispered dramatically, “UN-dulating.” I’m *such* a good friend.

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  18. You’re back! I missed you. Yes, I have no life. Anyway, brunch. I used to love to roll out of bed, put on some comfy pants, a sweatshirt and uggs and go to breakfast. When it was cold, obviously. I can’t wear my uggs here and I’m really pissed about it. I’m glad you had fun. I love your hair.

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  19. Glad you’re back after a relaxing holiday, aside from the douchy neighbours. I would’ve blasted Highway to Hell. Sometimes it helps.
    I couldn’t brunch without coffeeing up first. Good Lord.
    Years ago my mom, sister and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. Dressed up for the occasion cause, you know, we’re going to a restaurant. We were surrounded by bed heads wearing sweatpants, wrinkled tees and unlaced runners. To say we’re old fashioned is a compliment nowadays.
    Eds farts made me snort my coffee.
    My morning is complete!

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  20. I love my yoga pants. Occasionally we yoga.
    WELCOME BACK JUNE! We missed you!
    Please – pics of all the Griff lookalikes!

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  21. Glad you had a good time. I love the beach. I do not do brunch. Need food, and especially coffee, in the morning. Yoga pants are okay by me, but do not let me see any pajama pants in public. There otter (beach reference) be a law. Hi, Eds! My labradoodle was on antibiotics for an ear infection a couple weeks ago. Oooh, the gas was stinky.

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  22. I bought a mermaid shirt, mermaid bracelet, a set of teal glass beads an infinity scarf, and a hoodie on clearance. I could have bought so much more if I had more money. Incredible shopping there I got my husband three t-shirts and a hoodie.

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  23. Hilarious post. Thanks for the vaca (See what I did there? You’re welcome.) recap. We better not go to brunch together because my inclination is to start fires of annoyance with napkins and menus to get people the hell out of my way.
    Even Distinguished lol-ed (You’re welcome, again. I’m feeling generous this morning.) at God speaking to you in dog gas.
    Looking forward to the Halloween pics.

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  24. Oh poor Eds, getting old sucks.
    Glad you have a nice vaca, even with annoying people and seriously, why are people so annoying these days? Maybe I’m getting too old for this world.

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  25. I was on vacation in Cape May last week with my friend. She rented a house which was a twin. Someone (I suspect the older guy in the attached house) played the national anthem and cut grass at 8:00 AM every blasted morning. He may not have always been the grass cutter but I know that anthem was him. My very busy friend knew almost nothing about the whole Garb her by the pussy thing so I was filling her in. Perhaps I ticked him off? She sleot through the noise. I couldn’t

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  26. Welcome back! Thank goodness the annoying couple weren’t there during your entire vacation. Other than a couple of annoyances, glad you had the time of your life. Sounds loverly.
    Sweet November is one of Mr. Sadie’s favorite movies so you can come over and watch it with him anytime.

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  27. I’ve always thought I’d never vacation alone but the older I get, the more it appeals to me. I wish my hair would do that in the salty air.
    Looks lovely over there at the beach.

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