What is a “capade,” anyway? Are there ever Land Capades?

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"Oh, good. It's that time of year that June makes us look at her daily Christmas cup. And also at the makeup smudges on her desk."

And her beaming-up dog.

Yesterday was Tallulah's birthday, but I tried not to dwell on that lest I fall into a sobfest. It was also Steely Dan's final round of shots, which looked liked no fun for him. They took him in the back, as they mysteriously do now, and brought him right back. "I'm so sorry," said the flustered tech. "He saw this little dog back there, just a tiny dog, and jumped right out of my arms after it. He arched up and hissed."

They decided to do his shots right in the room. Steely Dan is a bad ass.

He also weighs 7 pounds. Which is not what a 4-month-old (16 weeks) kitten should weigh. See what I did, there? I did the weeks to be annoying. You and your 37-month-old child. They took a gander at his teefs, a thing that similarly thrilled him, and determined he was not born July 11, but May 15.

"That makes perfect sense," I said. "He's so totally a Taurus and not a Cancer." I had to explain, then, that I used to live in LA and we needed to know all the astrology in order to get our driver's license.

While SD and I waited for the vet, he mostly leaped. The cat. Not the vet.

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He leaped off the table.

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Then on.

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Off.

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On.

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You get my drift.

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how bout dis? dis for jumpeeng? it be anytheeng?

Anyway, after they gave him his horrible rabies shots (he bit a guy at work just minutes before his rabies shot. Am looking forward to that guy foaming today) and boosters and deworming medicine, they said, Hey, give us 288 dollars and you can go. (I also got his flea meds.)

The GOOD news is, because he's older than we thought, he's all set for neutering December 30. Yay! New year, no sack. No baby new year for THIS guy. And yes, I am having a de-sacking party for him, as I did for Edsel seven years ago.

I took that poor soon-to-be-sackless baby back home and got to work, and then at lunch I busied myself arranging all my apps by color on my phone.

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RIGHT? How bad do you want to be me right now?!

It's something of a tradition that they let us out early to get ready for the work Christmas party, and yes they call it a Christmas party, so I hurried home to see if the baby kitty was okay, and I couldn't find him and grew alarmed. I looked in his kitten bed…

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…but as usual, Lily was bogarting it.

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I was hoping he was resting in the sun, but it was Iris was in the bedroom, on my oh-so-neatly-made bed. "If you make your bed, the whole room looks neater," Ned often smugs. "It's the biggest piece of furniture in your room."

Oh, shut up.

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Finally, I found him, with an eye mask and a Do Not Disturb sign. Poor Steely Dan. He never did rally, all night. He's a little livelier today, but hasn't eaten much. He thought he wanted to eat, then looked at it and said, Yeah, no.

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Then, I got up with some of the Alexes at the manicure place. They both got a deep burgundy, but one got glitter and one didn't. aka worlds different.

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This Alex had trouble deciding, and finally the manicure lady was all, "Just let your spirit be free," a thing she said with the enthusiasm of a tree sloth, and right then I knew, I loved the manicure lady.

Until, at the end, when all the fun was had, she asked, "Was that your daughter and her friend?"

I mean, YES, I could be their mother, but I get drunk with these people. Dang.

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Old mom, here, got navy nails with one gold glitter nail on each hand. Note my Princess Diana/Kate real sapphire ring not at all from QVC, which is where they got theirs.

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It went with my navy-and-champagne-polka-dot frock I got from Stitch Fix. Also, my vanity mirror is still not put together, and the light bulb is burnt out in the other room with a full-length mirror, so getting ready was a pleasure.

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I put on enough makeup to join the Ice Capades.

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And waited for my Mug Shot date. I just want you to know in real life, he laughs and smiles. You get a camera out and he's all Cell Block H.

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The work CHRISTMAS party is no small feat. It's at this elegant hotel, and everyone's kids are invited, and there's shrimp and that one kind of red meat that's on that giant slab of meat and someone stands there and cuts it. What's that called? And there are presents for everyone under 10, and since I'm a 10 I didn't get one. Anyway, behold The Poet and Jane West, feasting. That is Ned's beer and not The Poet's. The idea of The Poet grabbing herself a brew is just about killing me right now.

The bartender got the beer out the ice, then smacked it onto a napkin and rolled it up. "Did you SEE that?" I asked, Ned, delighted. I don't get out a lot.

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It's also dark in that room. Look what a wide load I am next to skinny Alex. Jesus.

The little kids were all dancing during the dinner music, throwing themselves across the dance floor and sliding and so on. You have no idea how bad I wanted to join them. But I'd have looked drunk, even though I wasn't.

There's one kid I've always been enamored with. I've put a picture of her in here, from a Halloween party in 2011, but I don't have time to search for it because Ned just called me to talk about his fancy president things he has to do, and one person you should really rely on for how to president is me. Nancy Reagan, over here. Just say yes.

If I were First Lady, which one would I be? I want to be Jackie, but let's face it, I'm Betty Ford.

Anyway, she's outgoing and delightful and she wears glasses, this kid who's at every Christmas party. I'm forever asking her dad if she's gonna be there again that year, and I'm certain at this point he's all, What the hell with June and her obsession with my kid?

But she gets out there in her little Christmas dress and leads the kid dancing every year.

This year, she came right over to my table. "I like your polka-dot dress," she told me. Then she turned to Ned. "Hi, I'm Morgan, " she announced confidently. Oh my god.

Anyway, we danced, Kid of Confidence and me. We danced to some song I've never heard in my life, because old and no mainstream music exposure, then we danced to some song from the '70s I was thoroughly enjoying and can no longer recall. Play That Funky Music? I really can't remember. It was 10 hours ago.

"Did you have fun?" asked Ned as we drove home. We were the last people to leave. Poor Ned.

"I did. Except…" I hesitated.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"I don't feel like there was enough exclaiming by everyone over how pretty I looked."

And that is when Ned decided to just drop me off at my door.

Releasing the splendor of me,

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

64 thoughts on “What is a “capade,” anyway? Are there ever Land Capades?”

  1. Your Christmas party sounds fun. Ours is fun too, but instead of dancing we play bingo. And we have prime rib too.
    I always thought that Ice Capades was a play on the word escapade. (I think I may be sounding like your mom or Ned right there.)
    Damn, what a dry sounding comment.

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  2. I never comment, but I have to tell you I love seeing the apps on your phone. There are so many to choose from and I know I am missing out on good stuff! I would love to know what apps other people use.
    Your so pretty!

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  3. Also, are you fibbing about your vet bill cause lawd. Our kitten’s last round of shots was under $75 and it was only that pricey because we chose the Does Not Give Cancer rabies shot.
    Did your vet say SD would calm down sans sac? I’ve heard, um, intact male kittens are totally aggressive asshats but mellow out a few weeks after being neutered. And poor SD does seem overly blessed with exuberance.

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  4. Cell Block H! Love that.
    And, yeah, here’s one 53-year-old woman who just realized (while reading your post) that Ice Capades is a play on escapades. Hi, I work with words for a living. Did I ever tell you about that banner day when I figured out that the word submarine literally means under + water? I’m a genius, I tell you.

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  5. i laughed out loud, i did.
    you look very pretty in that dress. and the ring! i forgot about it but it do look purty.
    odes to you joob.

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  6. New year, no sack. I’m dyin’ over here.
    I love the polka dot dress and manicure. And yes, you did look lovely.
    That is the bigliest, swankiest nail salon I’ve ever seen.

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  7. Mr. Silverman is having his sack removal on my birthday. How festive!
    You need to get mugshot Ned one of those signs to hang around his neck.
    Curious about this Happify app. Does it make you happy?

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  8. Seeing your pictures has the comforting effect of visiting a long favored friend or relative. Seeing all the familiar things: the vet’s office, the dear old pussy cats, the chair Fran used to sleep on, old familiar furniture, the Christmas pretties, the new manicure. Makes me feel like something stable still exists in the world. Oh, wait.

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  9. 3. In the vein of things familiar–In the car yesterday, I responded to something Distinguished said by elegantly sweeping my hand from head downward while referring to “all this”.
    He looked at me blankly. I was solaced by knowing tens of Pie People would have snorted with amusement.

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  10. I totally understand your vet bill. Seems my vet is always coming up with different ways to get my money. Plus your vet’s walls are the same color as mine. Well, not mine, but my vet’s. Observant, is what I am. You look purdy, June. Love your hair.

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  11. This entire post was funny, but the “under ten” line killed me!
    Love your nails, dress, hair and everything. You always look so put together, your hair is alway so pretty, make up perfect, nail done, jewelry matching.

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  12. I was thinking the same thing, we should all post our favorite apps! I have to find out what some of these apps on June’s phone are, I am intrigued!

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  13. In regards to the Happify app, do I SEEM happy? It’s an app, not a miracle worker. (w-a-t-e-r)
    Also, once I displayed my apps so merrily, as I was driving to work today I thought, oh dear god, do I have some sort of fetish app up that I forgot all about or anything? Turns out no. Sweatily looked once I got here.
    And finally, sandra is my favorite.

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  14. So much to love about this post. From Steely Dan reenacting the 10 Lords A-Leaping to Goldilocks Lily finding yet again that baby bear’s bed is just right. You were positively glowing at your Christmas party in your pretty new dress and gorgeous hair and makeup. Loved that you danced with confident Morgan while Ned could only watch from Cell Block H.
    You are in fine form, pretty June.

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  15. Cell block H.
    Dead.
    I love the dress on you, and the makeup and hair were fabulous. Not kidding, you looked amazing.

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  16. Loved your dress. Also loved your hair. I too have my Princess Diana ring. I also bought one for my daughter. She looked at me and said ” Don’t you think it’s a little big?” I sent her to her room.

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  17. Prime Rib? Yum! You looked very pretty, June. I also have the “Not at all from QVC” Diana/Kate ring from QVC which was perfect for your outfit and event. Iris looked so cute soaking up the sun. Sweet Girl. Lily, however, is a squatter.

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  18. You look amazing. You hair, makeup and dress was perfect and the ring completed the whole package. Kind of like PJ up there, all this.
    Cell Block H. Plunk.
    This is one of my favorite posts.

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  19. June, you’re so pretty. Can I rant a little about my experience with office holiday parties? This looks like a nice party. It looks like somebody contacted the hotel and basically said “Throw us a party where everybody will have a good time.” I have been office support staff at a university for way too long and in every single office, the female staff members throw the party. Who should we order food from? How much food? Should we also have potluck? How should we decorate? Do we have tablecloths? And on and on and on. Now I am not a party planner or a meal planner. You do not want me to plan your food, believe me. I had plastic on fire in my oven for the 2nd time the other night. This female = party planner and cleaner-upper drives me absolutely nuts, because #1 I hate all of it, and #2 – we never get a party. We staff the party. Anyway, your party looks very nice and I’m just a big grinch.

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  20. As soon as you mentioned neutering, I wondered about throwing a (No) Ball for SDS. Love the dress and manicure! And your dress looks wider in the photo because you have your arms spread out. (Whoever is on the far right in that photo? Is gorgeous.) (Too! Is gorgeous, too!)
    OK, shutting up now…

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  21. I’m reading all the comments and everyone keeps talking about Prime Rib and I feel lost. So, I went back and read the entire post again, looked at all the pictures again and finally realized June asked what kind of meat she had.
    Around here we call that Steamship Round, which explains why I’m confused by Prime Rib.

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  22. I agree! The whole woman = Party planner, coffee maker, dish washer pisses me off to no end!
    We have our little office christmas coffee celebration on Thursday and of course I am the one to set the table, decorate, make coffee, run to get more coffee and clean all the shit up again. Because I work with all men, it almost automatically falls to me.

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  23. You look beautiful! Your makeup looks amazing and you look so young in that dress.
    Don’t feel bad, I was sooo super pregnant at my husband’s company Christmas party last year, (fancy venue, open bar, paid hotel room and I couldn’t even drink) so this year I was expecting lots of “Wow, you look great!” From his coworkers. I got nothin’. They were probably wondering if he’d knocked me up again to be honest. (As I was typing this little story I was literally eating a cookie. I don’t know why I can’t lose the weight.)

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  24. I like the look of color coded app organization but it would drive me nutty trying to find the apps I need! I have to have my most used apps on the first page, those are organized by category (Google apps on one line, games on another, social media on another). the other pages are similarly sorted by the apps’ importance, or lack there of. I do really like the color coding, though….
    Your dress is totes festive and the parties look fun.

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  25. You looked beautiful for the party.
    I have a question. What eye make-up remover do you guys love? I use Lancome and it doesn’t seem to get rid of the mascara unless I rub and rub and I hate that. Can anyone recommend a good one that doesn’t rip all the skin from my eyelids?

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  26. Your dress is darling!! I have totally upped my dress game thanks to Stitch Fix. I love wearing dresses but hate shopping for them in stores.
    I’m intrigued by Pocket Sitcom! Also it cracks me up that your screen wallpaper is just random fur. Story of your life.

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  27. Sonia Kashuk Remove – eye makeup remover. I swear by this stuff. Target carries it, so it’s not super-expensive either. I wear long-wear makeup and waterproof mascara (because I have super-watery eyes) and couldn’t get it back off. It practically melts the makeup off – very little rubbing involved. And you don’t have to use very much.
    I will be very sad if they stop making this remover!

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  28. Awww, poor SDS. Rabies shots seem to really knock little kitties out. I’m sure that he’ll be just fine by tomorrow.
    At least he has a festive, seasonal porch roof to his bed.

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  29. June, I am so glad for this community. My husband passed in his sleep Nov 8 and I can sit here and read comments and not have to talk to anyone. Mail, phone, doorbell are all just too much but I just am able to be totally passive and feel there are good people out in the world 6X a week when I read BBP. Pie Peeps, and June,
    thank you for being who you are.

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  30. Terri, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept my condolences. I too, love to come here to read the blog and comments and giggle, laugh and guffaw after a crappy day.

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  31. Looks like a fun party! I have never worked at a place that has fancy parties. At the last place I worked it was the whole “women put it together and clean it up” sort of deal. And my current job is at a city government so we have to pay our own way but it’s still fun!
    “I mean, YES, I could be their mother, but I get drunk with these people. Dang.” Is this where I’m supposed to pretend that I don’t get drunk with my daughter? We have an excellent time when we get to spend time together!

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  32. Terri,
    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. How difficult these holidays must be for you. Please know we are thinking of you and, if you want them, sending virtual hugs. Thank goodness for June and her incredible humor. I don’t know if she realizes how much she means to so many.
    Love,
    Sadie

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  33. Made in Korea make-up remover/face wash toilettes from Big Lots. $1 or $2 depending on how many in the package. But I do not use waterproof mascara. Also, Cetaphil is a good eye makeup remover. I used to use Vaseline but became convinced that it contributed to under eye bags/discoloration.

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  34. Oh, Terri! I am heartbroken for you. You do what you need to get by during this very difficult holiday season. You know you have a great support group here.

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  35. You know I signed up for the fix after you mentioned it and I did like what they sent me. Old lady jeans that I wear every day for one thing. There is a referral thingy if you mention it here you will get credit for any others you lead to that place. I absence of a blog today I was rereading this one. I hadn’t seen the Betty Ford crack before. Oh Ha. Well no pun there but I did a cackle at that. I think would be Elenor Roosevelt without the goodwill part just the frump part.

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