I thought of writing you during actual Christmas, but I figured you had enough to do without checking in on my ass. So here's how Christmas went, and I'm sure you're pulling the chair in closer so you don't miss a word.

We got off work early on Christmas Eve eve, so I went to the store (what crowd?) and got stuff to make Christmas lasagna for myself, then I schlepped to the wine store (what white crowd?) and got wine to take to the parties I'd been invited to. June, popular since never, cause frankly she's a pain in the ass, but people felt sorry for me.

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I hustled home and Lily gave many shits about my arrival. This bed was for Steely Dan, who I thought was a girl and he couldn't be more of a boy, and therefore gave up this bed after about one try. He sleeps on beds of nails and the talons of dead eagles he's slaughtered and so on. So Lily was happy to take over his girly bed. His Helen Gurly Brown bed.

Anyway, the next 24 hours were something of a blur, and to tell you the truth I was looking forward to the weekend being exactly what I had planned: parties and then me getting to be alone. But I hardly DID get to be alone, with the "Can I drop something off" people and the dropping-in people and the calling-me people and I REALLY AM OKAY ALONE IN FACT I RELISH IT.

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My mother sent me money to buy a new back door, so on Christmas Eve I got my eyebrows waxed, then I went to Lowe's, and every time I thought about asking about my back door I got the giggles. I was also just drawn to the mirrors, like a crow.

When I finally peeled myself from the mirrors and stopped giggling over "back door," I sauntered to a cute 17-year-old salesboy, asked about back doors, giggled, then coquettishly let him show me his back doors. [snurfle!]

We talked about back doors [heeeee] for quite awhile, and after I'd convinced myself he was dying to come home and see my back door for himself, I paraded hotly through the store, got to my car, and once I saw myself up close, I gasped. The aloe on my eyes from the waxing had moved all the eye makeup directly onto the center of my eyelid, making me look precisely insane.

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I'D HAD A MIRROR AT MY DISPOSAL! WHY DID I NOT SEE IT? Anyway you can't tell up there but trust me. I looked ridik.

Merry Christmas.

Photo on 12-24-16 at 6.08 PM

I cleaned myself up and put on a dress and headed to my friend Ian's party. I work with him, and I've been knowing him and his wife for awhile now. Back before they moved into the (ADORABLE) house they live in now, they had the apartment next to Ned. Remember Ned? That guy I went out with for awhile?

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Here's Ian's wife, who you would love. You would. You would love her. They are both from Puerto Rico, and they know how to host, man. I was the only non-family member there, and I quickly realized I was the only one without an Ivy-League degree, so I was sort of the village idiot. But when am I not?

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They have the kind of house you never want to leave, and EVERYTHING.WAS.DELICIOUS. Everything. "Have you ever tried hooo de blodoo-oo?" they'd ask, handing me some Puerto Rican dish. "No!" I'd say, then die at whatever new good thing I was eating. Mother of God.

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It was, like, the perfect evening. His whole family is our people.

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Edsel and I went to bed so Santa could come. And he did! Mom sent strawberries.

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Peg sent flowers.

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wat anyone send edzul?

This was the first year I got more gifts from readers than from people I know in my actual life. Just proving that in real life, I am not likable.

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Dear Faithful Reader who sent me the '50s swan decals: I'm fuckin' framing those. Oh my god.

You guys know me too well.

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I think I'm easy to shop for. Is it vintage? Well, then does it sparkle? You're golden!

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As usual, my friend Dot sent me a card with her dog on it, and not her kids. Everyone else gets her kids.

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Someone was a Christmas dick.

So, it was a good Christmas, and my lasagna was delicious, even though I realized too late that my whole recipe box is apparently at Ned's. Remember that guy Ned I dated briefly? I did not call for it, but soldiered on with no recipe, and it turns out I know how to make lasagna in my head. Not that I cooked it in my head, cause weird.

Also, I'd like to point out that I moved out of that place 14 months ago and just now noticed my recipes are gone.

Oh, god, loading all these pictures has taken forever and I gotta go. Tomorrow I will show you The Great Dismantling of Christmas and also how I rearranged the furniture. Helen Keller is coming and I want to drive her crazy.

Hope your holiday was snazzy, and that you all got ponies.

Luff,

Jooooooon

0 thoughts on “Merry Christmas Edible

  1. Beth of the German Shepherds says:

    Headpiece…possibly a “fascinator”

    Like

  2. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    I had one of those collections, too! I used to buy the paper every Thursday just to read the Food section and clip recipes – most of which I never made. But the day I realized that I can find literally any recipe online that was ever created was a liberating day for me! Now I copy and paste them into my drive where I can easily search for them when the mood strikes. Less clutter, more useful!

    Like

  3. Your mom sent you pot edibles? Wow. Hi, Mom.

    Like

  4. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    This entire comment cracked me up!

    Like

  5. Amish Annie says:

    OhOhOh excellent post with pictures! Here’s my commentary, succinct as always:
    Good lord you look great in that blue dress! Love that picture and your beautiful tree garland necklace. You look like a young Goldie Hahn circa Laugh-In years. A most excellent photo!
    Ian and his wife ARE adorable but you know what else is? That table that she’s lighting the candles on. The vintage bar/kitchen cart in back and their festive Christmas tree and fireplace. Now I want to see all their house and may never be complete if I don’t.
    Edsel on those cute Christmas sheets, don’t know which is cuter, that picture or the one with his fancy schmancy hat thing with blue feather…what is that called anyway? I forgot.
    The strawberries looked delicious and I like what Texas Kari said about centerpieces being so charming and old fashioned. The washcloths are so cute too, I love the multi colored one and the swan decals are totally totally awesome too.
    I still totally dig on your blue kitchen counters.
    And now my commentary is up and everyone can wake up now.

    Like

  6. Another Kelly says:

    My recipe box is a 3 ring binder. Whenever I find a recipe that looks promising, I print it out and stick in the binder.
    When my Gramma died, one of her kitchen cabinets was filled with recipes torn out of magazines and newspapers. I don’t think she ever made any of the recipes but there were hundreds of these scraps stashed in that cabinet.

    Like

  7. Laurie in TN says:

    Edsel all tucked in – best pic every! Love that silly mutt!

    Like

  8. Laurie in TN says:

    My son met his current gf on Tinder but was embarrassed to tell us so. We have not yet met her, though we drove past her place of work on our way to OH on Christmas Eve. If he had mentioned it sooner, we could have pulled off the highway to surprise her. Unfortunately, she goes to school in KY and he goes to school in Knoxville, so for now, the thing I dislike most about their relationship is that they are driving too far to see each other when they are poor, supposed to be studying, and in his case, driving an old, high-mileage car.
    One of son’s friends also met his current girl on Tinder, though they are local. You just never know,

    Like

  9. Sandra in Naples says:

    Love that! Me too… Went to college, said, nah. Left.

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  10. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    Hit post too early;)He looks so sweet!

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  11. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    Can’t get over Edsel in the sheets!

    Like

  12. Kim, who used to live in California but now lives in Arizona says:

    That sounds like a lovely day, June. Fantastic that all those readers got you presents. You give us a gift each day so it’s only appropriate.

    Like

  13. Mrs. Gumby says:

    Whew, Beverly! That made my head spin. Glad you figured out all the people.

    Like

  14. Beverly says:

    I spent Christmas at my brother’s girlfriend’s mom’s house. My brother’s girlfriend gave me the wrong house number so I wandered up and down the street for a while carrying all of my gift bags and a nice couple pulled up, got out of their car and asked me if I was lost. I told them I was, that I saw my brother’s car right there but couldn’t find the house number. They said, “no, that car belongs to a friend in our group so it must just look like your brother’s car.” We didn’t know each other so I assumed they were correct. They helped me look for the correct house and none of us could find it. They finally went into the house the car I thought was my brother’s was parked in front of and I continued wandering around. I called my brother and told him I couldn’t find the house and he walked outside to find me. Lo and behold it was the house the nice couple went in. They were spending Christmas with me too! Turns out it was my brother’s girlfriend’s ex-husband and his girlfriend. So I ended up spending the holiday with my brother and his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s mom, and his girlfriend’s kids, and his girlfriend’s grandson, and his girlfriend’s son-in-law’s parents, and his girlfriend’s ex-husband and his girlfriend.

    Like

  15. Yay! A post-Christmas post from June with some photos of lovely gifts!
    We had a wonderful Christmas that seemed to drag on interminably. We had our Christmas eve on Thursday night and Friday morning was our Christmas morning, so that meant that the actual Christmas Eve and Day were non-events and by Monday we were completely over all this. I have started un-Christmasing my house by gathering Christmas towels, dish towels, aprons, etc and throwing them in the wash and ready to box up for the year.
    Oh! And my cool new gift was an Instant Pot. I made steel-cut oats this morning in 3 minutes. What do you think of that? Pretty cool.

    Like

  16. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    I ditched my recipe box years ago. I keep all my recipes in my Google Drive so I can look them up anytime – like when I’m shopping and need to check for ingredients – and easily share them with people when they ask. Just a little homemaking tip for all of you from me!

    Like

  17. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Like I said – I know not a thing about online dating/meeting/matching. But two of my kids met delightful people (one of which is now my son-in-law) and both used OK-Cupid. But we all know that June has also had some OK-Stupid experiences there, too. But how else does one meet someone once you are past college age?
    Just one more reason I am grateful for my long suffering spouse!

    Like

  18. Bette Blondin says:

    What a lovely Christmas you had! Isn’t it wonderful to have dogs and cats in your life? It makes it all so wonderful… I just have one dog and one cat but we are fam i lee…. lol
    I think it best to call the recipe box a loss…. let it go.. let it go… just build a snowman…
    Have a wonderful week… love your stuff young lady, my niece!:)

    Like

  19. carolineb says:

    Well my nephew lead me astray then, I am sure not intentionally but THANKS for the heads up !

    Like

  20. Mary Lou says:

    Now that’s what I call a great Christmas, Joob.
    Lovely gifts, those candy cane sheets, the kids and a wonderful dinner with friends. Perfect.
    People always seem to think it’s terrible being alone on the big day but as another single, I love it and still do the full deal.
    This year I spent the day with friends and had a wonderful time.
    I had plans to hit the sales yesterday but after walking Calvin in another snowstorm and shovelling, I had a long nap and ditched the shopping.
    I also had a turkey to cook, which didn’t get out of the oven until 11:30 p.m.
    Whoo care. Lots of leftovers and soup to look forward to.
    All in all a good day.

    Like

  21. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    That sounded like total snark – I absolutely did NOT mean it in a bad way! I really wish for a wonderful match!

    Like

  22. lizardek says:

    And a happy new year to you and the menagerie!

    Like

  23. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Tinder? Oh, boy. I know nothing of online dating but I do know my adult kids joke about Tinder being the hook-up app. I hope It turns out well for you!

    Like

  24. carolineb says:

    On Christmas day my nephew told me about an App called Tinder. I signed up and think I found a winner and a potential date. Beginners luck maybe. P.S. The party host is a babe.

    Like

  25. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Helen Keller… right then, I knew. I love you June Gardens.
    Ivy-Leave. That’s the degree I have. Got to college. Decided to Leave.
    Can’t wait to see your back door!
    Happy Sund… I mean MOND… What day is this, anyway?

    Like

  26. Greensboro Laurie says:

    “…an Ivy-Leave degree…” Ha!
    Happy to hear you had a most lovely holiday!

    Like

  27. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    What a fun Christmas. All the party-ing, and such great gifts. When do you get your new back door?
    We had a good Christmas. Christmas Eve we went to the candlelight service at church, then Christmas we went to the regular church service and drove to my niece’s 60 miles north and spent the day with my brother, SIL, and two of their siblings. It was a nice day. My niece and I gave each other the same thing, vanilla, except she made the vanilla I bought Watkins vanilla for her. It was too funny.
    I did check several times to see if you posted over the weekend. Today back to the grind, facing life.

    Like

  28. Megsie says:

    What a lovely Christmas. I am also glad it is over. We finished our Christmas Lasagna yesterday. I am going to sneak downstairs and eat the egg bake now before my kids wake up. You snooze, you lose! I also checked in to see you this weekend…
    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  29. dancer says:

    well, that was loverly. just loverly. i am also glad the holiday is behind. it was full, fast and furious.

    Like

  30. Texas Kari says:

    What a lovely Christmas you had! How fun to see all your gifts! Sending someone a Christmas table centerpiece is such an old fashioned and delightful and useful gift. I’m going to remember that for next year!
    Ian’s wife’s dress is SO darling!
    We had a fun Christmas, busy, but fun! Tomorrow we are hosting a luncheon for almost 30 people so I’ve got to clean up the detritus of Christmas and set tables. Luckily someone else is taking care of the food. I’m just providing the home. And drinks.
    Lovely post, June!

    Like

  31. MissusB says:

    I love that photo of Edsel all tucked in. I want to crawl in with him and tell secrets and talk about boys all night.

    Like

  32. Gretchen says:

    It would take me at least that long to realize my recipe box was gone. High five!

    Like

  33. Jan says:

    Merry post-Christmas! I had the nicest day yesterday, lying about reading and snoozing all day. Today back to being responsible. Ugh.
    For the record, I checked in on both Christmas Eve and Christmas for a post. Never think we don’t want to hear from you.

    Like

  34. Ms.Melissa says:

    I love Christmas, but it’s a relief to have it behind me. My beautiful tree with purple lights and garland will be taken down this weekend.

    Like

  35. Dawn, formerly of Austin says:

    It looks like you had a happy Christmas!

    Like

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