Facing June Addiction

Yesterday, I got up early to go to the allergy doctor. I hurried around, and tore over there to be on time, and when I got there, right at 8:00?

They were closed.

I walked up to the door and knocked. No lights on. They'd given me paperwork, so I opened it. "8:00," it read. I left the paperwork in their mailbox in a huff, and went home, annoyed. I could SEE my workplace from the doctor's office, but I'd taken the morning off and goddammit, I was sticking with that. If you don't need half a day off three weeks after Christmas, when do you need half a day off?

At 8:30, I called there, irate. Of course I'd called before then, and got the cloying, "If this is a true medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911."

Why don't you go fuck yourself? I HATE that condescending message. And also, what's with doctor's offices not letting you leave a goddamn message? What is this, 1972?

I also hate, "Please pay close attention, as our prompts have changed." YOUR PROMPTS HAVE NOT FUCKING CHANGED. SHUT UP.

The point is, I finally got someone. "Yes," I said, because I always start these things with"Yes…" I told the woman my woes, and she looked me up on her screen.

Name? I told her.

Date of birth? I told her.

Address? OH MY GOD JUST TELL ME WHAT'S UP.

Turns out my appointment is on the 31st. …yeah. I can remember the appointment lady saying, "How about Monday?" I remember it. I don't know what happened, there. And I even said back, "I'll see you Monday, then!" as I left.

Anyway, the good news is that because I had all that extra time yesterday, I found a freelance gig. They are planning to send me work already, a thing that Faithful Reader LaUral had something to do with, so thanks, LaUral.

This is good, because money? I'm hurtin'. During my year abroad I got all my credit cards and my car paid off, which was great, then I got here and Tallulah got sick and my car broke and hello, country song. Plus all my freelance work dried up, and it kind of saddens me that one has to take extra work beyond work to make ends meet these days.

But there it is, now I have some work, so good. Because my tank is on empty and I have $60 till January 31, which by the way is the day of my doctor visit, GOD. Everyone knows that.

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In the meantime, my tenant, fmr., came over to work out again, a thing my cat, current, thoroughly enjoyed. That's why the Lily is a tramp.

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We had to put old Obssessy McStalkerson, old Fred ASTARE, old Melanie Sniffeth, in the back room, because he is incapable of letting us be while we do Tracy. He down dogs, he rolls around, he sniffs us, he–OH MY GOD EDSEL. So he had a happy new year, in jail. That's only funny if you know It's a Wonderful Life by heart, and who doesn't?

It's nice to have someone hate Tracy with me. "Geez," Tenant, fmr., will say, as Tracy robotically lifts her leg in the same way for the 59th time and looks like she could do 100 more with no problem. Do y'all remember when I made Kaye do Tracy Anderson with me and she almost real-life unfriended me? Anyway, Tenant, fmr., will be here again Wednesday and not the 31st.

I have to go. I had a deal with myself that I'd read 200 books this year, and so far I've read a really dumb Terri McMillan book, a really dumb book I got out of the little take-a-book-leave-a-book library in our park, a book I realized when I was done is a trilogy and now I have to read the rest even though dumb. And now I'm reading a relationship book. I want to keep going on that one this morning before work.

It's really weird. I found the book in my closet–my closet I hardly ever go in. It's a new book, and I'd clearly starting reading it at some point because a page is dog-eared, but I don't remember buying it and I don't remember reading one single word of it.

I even looked in my Amazon emails to see when I got it, and nothing. I showed it to Tenant, fmr., and she didn't leave it here.

Anyway, it's exactly perfect for me. It's exactly the problems I had, and there are ways to fix myself, and I was tempted to contact Ned to say, THIS BOOK IS US. HERE'S HOW WE FIX IT. But (a), we're in a no contact thing for a reason and (2) I don't think he's ready to hear it. Clearly I wasn't when I first got this book. I don't recall one word of it.

It's called Facing Love Addiction, and it talks about the Love Addict/Love Avoidant duo and how they interact with each other, and why they are the way they are and the whole time I was reading it I was all, OH MY GOD! So now I'm at the back of the book where you have to do writing exercises, which I did last night after T,f. left, till my hand hurt.

So, that's exciting. Because between you and me, I was baffled that I could get into something so intense and dramatic and on/off like that. I mean, I did that when I was 22, but I figured well, I'm 22. I had no idea I was capable of something this insane at 51. I thought I'd grown out of acting that way. But clearly I haven't. I have been ashamed, really, of how all-consuming this relationship has been. If I were my friend I'd be so sick of me by now.

So it's good to have hope that I can maybe not do this again.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, or maybe on the 31st.

49 thoughts on “Facing June Addiction

  1. Had to check out your link. I love that magazine. I also see some books that I’d like to check out and I sincerely hope I don’t. This past year I seem to have gotten much better at acquiring books than reading them. I probably have two years worth on my Kindle.
    Several years ago, one of my very favorite books was recommended by The Week–Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. It didn’t sound at all like something I would like–magicians and history. I loved every bit of it including the footnotes.

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  2. Yeah, but “book” could mean 200 pages or it could mean 2000 pages. I can read a YA novel – typically 250 pages – in two or three hours, uninterrupted, but an adult novel of the same length would take twice that long.

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  3. PJ and Cheech, re-read the beginning of the post. That should clear it up for you two.

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  4. I can’t even imagine reading 200 books in a year. I do well to finish one in a month. I usually read in the evening and it only takes a page or two for me to fall asleep. Paula, I’m with you. Who said they take the cover off the book while they are reading it? That’s me as well.

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  5. Yes! BBP Book Club! Let’s revive that dead horse.
    June, the universe is conspiring with you to gain all kinds of insight. And then you will be ready to move to the next step or relationship or phase or whatever. It’s very exciting being on this side and watching your wings unfold!

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  6. No page bending, no dog-earing, no defining of books, ever.
    And if you want to borrow my books, you are more than welcome to read them. On my couch. In my house. Because, no, you may not take my books out of the house. You will move, you will give them away, you will lose them or in some other way make sure that I don’t get it back.
    If I loan you a book, I am really gifting it to you and not because I am nice but because I don’t trust you to return it in pristine condition. Thank God for Kindle.

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  7. Wow – 200 books is a LOT! If you run across some really great ones, please let us know. I kind of miss our BBP Book Club.
    A friend gifted me a box from the literary subscription Quarterly. First box should arrive in January. I’m so excited! Has anyone else tried Quarterly?
    June, the universe is on your side. Good things are around every corner!

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  8. I have a slight panic attack when I see someone reading a paperback with the front cover and pages WRAPPED AROUND the spine to the back. Just makes me want to yank it out of their hands.

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  9. Wow. Congratulations on being such a reader. My Goodreads goal for the last few years has been around 140, and it’s only that high because some of the kidlit only takes a couple of hours to read. Eventually I find I need a day or two between books to give my eyes a break.
    June, I was going to suggest that reading all the Mo Willems Pigeon books would only take a half an hour and would knock 5 or 6 books off your list. Modern day classics in the early reader crowd.

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  10. You want to know something weird? I JUST FINISHED an IM to Fay saying I was having a really hard time not contacting him today, and a second later there was your email with this comment.

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  11. You are getting a lot of ‘help’ from the angels – book when you need it, extra work when you need it…
    I give you SO, SO much credit for continuing the no contact. That takes a lot of moxy. You are a strong person, June.
    Edsel, in that chair, I just want to kiss his forehead and tell him everything is fine.

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  12. My husband’s thing is book collecting. He cries at the state of my books, and won’t let me touch, let alone read, any of his.

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  13. I just read a blog discussing the Love Addict/Love Avoidant relationship, just to understand what you were talking about, June. The title of the blog was Love Addict + Love Avoidant: A Match Made in Hell. Well, that should tell you something right there!
    And right then I knew….

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  14. Maybe Nedvoidant put that relationship book in your closet when you weren’t looking, because he also thought it described your relationship with him.
    Although if true, maybe he should have read it before doing that.
    Awww, poor melancholy Edz.

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  15. You could read 0.54 of a book a day or read 3.84 books a weekend and you’d reach the 200 books a year goal.

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  16. I can easily read 200 books in a year since I watch very little TV & I read extremely fast. It’s not uncommon for me to read 5-10 books in a weekend (which would also explain why my house is never perfectly clean either).

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  17. This is not advice, but I wanted to let you know that the 31st is a Tuesday, not a Monday. You mentioned your appointment being on a Monday, so in order to help you avoid another missed connection with your doctor, I thought I should mention it. Please don’t throw a liver at me!

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  18. It’s A Wonderful Life quotes are ALWAYS applicable. Just this morning, someone posted a picture of the troops landing on the Normandy beaches on DDay, with the caption, “The Men’s March on Fascism didn’t have any signs.”
    Which, annoying. Like, protest causes don’t count unless you’ve got a gun and a uniform and a villain with a foreign accent? I Uncle Billy’d her: “Not every heel was/is in Germany and Japan.”
    I think she’s gonna block me any day now. But, hey, what can you do with It’s A Wonderful Life haters like that?

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  19. I am also weird about my books…don’t dare breathe on them. I take the covers off to read so that I don’t even wrinkle the covers! Same with magazines, don’t wrinkle my magazines till I have read them. I realize it is some strange obsession and I am sure there is a highbrow name for it. I must seek help!

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  20. I treat books with respect, too, JP. Somewhat. I do manage to get food and drink on them. But I’m shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, that Joon dog-ears her books.
    I, too, love the picture of Eds.

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  21. 200 books? How is that even possible unless you’re a hermit?
    Love Edsel in his manly chair. He just needs a cigar and a whiskey. But I think he’s more apt for a Virginia Slims and a white wine spritzer.

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  22. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re working on it now. That’s what’s important.

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  23. You people are killing me. Before Kindle, my books were pristine. I wouldn’t even bend the spine. I used bookmarks. It’s a sickness. I KNOW.

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  24. You people are killing me. Before Kindle, my books were pristine. I wouldn’t even bend the spine. I used bookmarks. It’s a sickness. I KNOW.

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  25. You people are killing me. Before Kindle, my books were pristine. I wouldn’t even bend the spine. I used bookmarks. It’s a sickness. I KNOW.

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  26. Same same same! Coffee and food stains, crumbs, dog ears, all manner of weird bookmarks, annotations galore… Shameless destroyer of books.

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  27. When I’ve bought a book I make that bitch mine. That book and I become one. If I feel it, the book shows it. That book becomes my shadow.

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  28. “…and I’d clearly starting reading it at some point because a page is dog-eared…”
    DOG-EARED?? DOG-EARED?? You DEFILE your books? I am shocked and saddened by this news.
    The picture of Edsel is beyond perfect. The lighting, the colors, EVERYTHING. I may have to print it out and frame it.

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  29. “…and I’d clearly starting reading it at some point because a page is dog-eared…”
    DOG-EARED?? DOG-EARED?? You DEFILE your books? I am shocked and saddened by this news.
    The picture of Edsel is beyond perfect. The lighting, the colors, EVERYTHING. I may have to print it out and frame it.

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  30. “…and I’d clearly starting reading it at some point because a page is dog-eared…”
    DOG-EARED?? DOG-EARED?? You DEFILE your books? I am shocked and saddened by this news.
    The picture of Edsel is beyond perfect. The lighting, the colors, EVERYTHING. I may have to print it out and frame it.

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  31. of course i stampeded over to amazon to check out the shizzit on the book.
    so, here’s a thought. during your first breakup with ned you were reading a book and exclaiming how it was so you — but you stated you were not going to list the title as it would be revealing to your sitch. might this be the book? i’m a self help book reading freak and i didn’t kvetch on the blog about not knowing the title … cuz, your biddness – but that’s why it stuck out in my head.
    anywho. i’m glad you’re having light bulb moments. this also affirms my belief that the 50s are great because you (the collective) start figuring shit out.
    see you on the 31st.

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  32. I like how you put out into the universe “I gots no moneys” and BOOM a job shows up. “WTF went WRONG with my relationship?” BOOM, a book shows up. You obviously have a genie in a closet, granting all your wishes.
    Also? 200 books? Wow. I read about 50 a year and I’m ALWAYS reading. But if you’re reading books, how are you WRITING that book we’re all waiting for? Not to nag or anything…

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  33. Don’t be hard on yourself June. You are an all-in person on so many levels it doesn’t surprise me that love is one of your all-ins.
    I did the 100 book challenge last year and only hit 55. So this year I said I’ll do 75. We’ll see! If I didn’t read this ding dang blog I’d have finished many more!

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