Ned has to move. Did I tell you that? Our gaylord–well, HIS gaylord, is selling the place, a thing we distinctly asked him about in 2014 when we moved in, and he said he had no intention of selling.

Of course, I'm one to talk, having kicked out my poor tenant, fmr., after just one year.

Speaking of that whole debacle, since Ned has to move and all, it's thrown him into quite the tizzy. I know you don't KNOW Ned, but perhaps you've been able to glean that change is not something he embraces with glee. Also, decision-making. Not his strong suit.

"I'm going to go look at a house right now," Ned texted (text) me right at the end of the day.

"You want me to come with you?" I asked, knowing that was dumb.

"Yes," he said.

I knew he did. I knew that's why he was telling me. I knew he'd be thrown into panic at having to possibly make a decision, and that he needed someone to remind him of the home's good and bad points so he could obsess for 45 years. I also knew I had no business going to look at a house with Ned.

So I put the address in my phone and off I went. Because wise. Wise old owl. Wise old fat owl, according to some.

It was in his grandparents' neighborhood. They'd lived in a tree-lined part of town with a private trail and lake, which Ned remembers fishing and swimming in as a kid. "Oh, it'd be cool if you lived here. You could go to the same job your grandfather did (Ned works for a family business), live in his neighborhood. You'd be just like your grandfather, except, you know, with no wife or kids or commitment whatsoever."

Hey, passive. How's your aggressive?

There turned out to be a huge monkey mural in the living room, which if you ask me is a selling point, but Ned was not taken with the idea. The good news is he doesn't have to debate whether to take the house. "You want to go to dinner?" he asked, and who am I to turn down a free meal and all of you are shouting "JUST GO HOME, JUNE. YOU HAVE FINE CHEF BOY-AR-DEE PRODUCTS RIGHT AT HOME WHERE IT'S SAFE. JUNE."

So I got in the car and we headed to our Mexican restaurant. "Our," fmr.

It's one of those nondescript places, in a strip of stores, that's really good. TinaDoris and her spouse took us there in 2013 and we've gone ever since. It's the taquito place, Fay.

Ned and I went there one Sunday evening years ago, and I got mad at him–I forget why but I think it had to do with me feeling jealous of another woman because it almost always was–and we argued all the way to my house, where I got out of the car, stomped toward the house, then at the last minute turned around and hurled my leftover taquitos at his car.

Ned backed out of my driveway in a huff, then had to drive all over town to find an all-night car wash, because he could hardly pull up to work Monday with taquito car. The worst part of that story is the next day at lunch I said, "Ooooo, I have those leftover taq–no, I don't."

For some reason Fay loves this story. I guess she enjoys my rage and ridiculousness or something. She brings it up at every opp. I just said opp. Once after our endless breakup Ned called me, and I told Fay, and she asked all Stevie Wonder-ly, "Did he just call. To say. Taquito?"

Then she had a bust made of herself.

Anyway, there we went, Ned and I did, and you'll never guess what I ordered. "You'd better finish the whole thing right here," Ned said.

IMG_5546

Careful readers will note not just Ned, of yore, but also the background of this photo. Because who's back there behind blue-shirted guy? Is it my tenant? FMR.? Of yore?

"What are YOU doing here?" I asked her, because of all the margarita joints in all the world, she had to come into mine, fmr. With my boyfriend, fmr. The relationship that ruined her life, fmr. The life she had in her cute little rental house, fmr.

If you were her and you saw me there with the person I broke up with, which as a result rendered her homeless, would you not have pressed my face into the deep fryer?

"It's National Margarita Day!" she announced. Thank god she's taken to drink.

"I'm here with Ned," I told her, because everyone has to know my everything. She and I have plans to do our dreadful workout tonight, which will not begin to burn off the margarita/taquito combo she and I had going, but it's a start.

The point is, I can't do anything clandestine in this town without getting caught. The only other thing I have to tell you is that I was complaining to Ned about how when I get up in the morning, Edsel, Steely Dan and one or both adult cats follow me into the bathroom. Steely Dan stands on my shoulder the whole time, like we're posing for a Very Special Olan Mills portrait.

"I'm surrounded by animals in that tiny bathroom," I kvetched. "I'm like St. Francis of A-piss-i."

Then I called Fay to get the name of her bust worker.

0 thoughts on “Taquit-oh, June

  1. Megsie says:

    Thank you Sadie. xoxo

    Like

  2. Alex, who never says anything says:

    I love you, June. You are the best.

    Like

  3. Sadie says:

    Megsie, I’m sorry for whatever is going on and hope today is better.

    Like

  4. Cheech says:

    Nothing wrong with a free meal! My ex and I frequently go out for dinner and he always pays (because he makes 90majillion dollars more than I do). He is more generous now that we’re exes than he ever was during the marriage. I figure that the free dinners are part of my very passive revenge. I get food – he pays – works for me!
    I laughed at the picture in my mind of you and the pee committee in the bathroom. I usually have 1 or 2 in with me at any given time.

    Like

  5. Sarah M. says:

    Second funniest post after the fireman post! I laughed out loud so many times! Thanks for the daily funny!! Now I want Mexican!

    Like

  6. Megsie says:

    June,
    This post was wonderful. You made me smile and laugh right out loud, several times (bonus: my daughter thought I was laughing at her) on a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. I thank you for that.
    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  7. MissusB says:

    Whew! I was afraid I was the only one who does this. It’s also why I like to walk my dog in my neighborhood. They might have the front door open and I can peek in!

    Like

  8. kd from socal says:

    A piece on the front page of today’s NYT business section titled, No Relief As Media Obsesses On Trump. There’s relief here. Thank you. Not that I mind a bit of that; you’re great at the bits, but yours is a sanctuary of laughter and calm in its way. Namaste.

    Like

  9. BamaCarol says:

    Thank you for the Ned picture. He is still one handsome man. And a free Mexican meal – can’t be beat! Thank you for all the funnies today.

    Like

  10. Beth says:

    May I point out , not a light blue shirt on The Ned.

    Like

  11. Hulk says:

    I don’t get your closing joke.
    Oh wait. I just looked it up. Not bad…

    Like

  12. Deb-E says:

    This post is brilliant! There are at least seven possible side stories you could develop into a play. It would be wonderful!

    Like

  13. Maddie says:

    This whole post! So funny!

    Like

  14. DonnaS says:

    That was a funny post!! I don’t comment often, but this post cracked me up 🙂

    Like

  15. Vell O'Korr says:

    St. Francis was a sissy.
    Bust, ordered.

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  16. Sadie says:

    You are in fine form today, Joon. I guess the fact that Ned is house hunting means he has decided not to buy his current residence. Or is “decided” too decisive?

    Like

  17. Lovely post, pretty June!

    Like

  18. Bette Blondin says:

    OMG too freaking hysterical!
    So did he take the house?

    Like

  19. sara(h) says:

    My mother dumped a milkshake in the lap of a frisky man when he wouldn’t listen to her (when she was dating).
    Poor Taquito

    Like

  20. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    The monkey mural. Unspoken prayers.

    Like

  21. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    You are my people. “Here’s my temper – I’ll keep the taquitos.”

    Like

  22. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    You are on a roll today! Super hilarious post. And the comment are hilarious as well.

    Like

  23. Beverly says:

    A frozen tacquito might put a dent in his car when you get really mad. Just keep that in the back of your head if needed.

    Like

  24. Beverly says:

    A taquito farm! The visual has me cackling.

    Like

  25. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    No, Ned told her to eat all her meal.

    Like

  26. June Gardens says:

    There was no GUACAMOLE, though. Or tequila. Or even rice. FAY.

    Like

  27. Just me, Vee, says:

    Bee, your song reference killed me dead.

    Like

  28. Fay says:

    You had them in your FREEZER

    Like

  29. I wish I could let myself throw tacos at someone’s car or person when I am angry. That would feel so good. Bucket list.
    Oh, June, you really can’t quit Ned. Personally, I am in favor of you not quitting Ned, as long as he doesn’t hurt you, of course.
    Hee hee, St. Francis of A-piss-i!

    Like

  30. Fay says:

    (is now married to self, lives happily ever after on taquito farm

    Like

  31. June Gardens says:

    It might could be that I have those in my freezer as we speak.
    Please no one note that I could have gone home and had taquitos there.

    Like

  32. Helen says:

    Not to encourage your taquito consumption, but as I know you don’t like to cook, have you ever tried the El Monterey Taquitos?
    My husband had them at work then proceeded to buy them for home and every time he serves them, people think they are 1. homemade or X. from a restaurant.
    Plus, maybe you just want some handy to throw…
    http://www.elmonterey.com/category/taquitos-snacks/

    Like

  33. Lisa TPO says:

    Oh my gosh with your fat owl comment. How could anyone ever stay mad at you? Humor disarms.

    Like

  34. June Gardens says:

    I definitely regret it. Not the part where I lost my temper. Just the part where I lost my taquito.

    Like

  35. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Same. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would be angry enough to waste a good taquito. Or any leftovers for that matter.

    Like

  36. Amish Annie says:

    I like house hunting even though I never do it. Instead as I drive by people’s houses, I look into their windows and judge based on that one second glimpse of their living room wall.

    Like

  37. Jeanie says:

    Was anyone else shocked to read that June threw taquitos at Ned’s car? I love taquitos and eat them frequently, smothered with cheese and guacamole.

    Like

  38. Beverly says:

    A monkey mural? I need to move to Greensboro now.

    Like

  39. Anita says:

    Crap, I missed National Margarita Day.

    Like

  40. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Dear Sandra,
    Lay off the apostrophes there, sister.
    June – your life is like a sitcom where everywhere you go you run into minor characters. It’s fantastic.
    I can’t even mention the funniest parts of this post for fear I will not successfully contain the guffaws that are threatening to burst forth.

    Like

  41. Sandra in Naples says:

    I laughed out loud TWICE. That is sayin’ something. I love love love this post. Come for the taquito’s stay for the Olan Mill’s.
    Never had a taquito. I don’t even know what it is. But, the question remains, will there be leftover taquito’s for lunch today?

    Like

  42. lauradammit. (Laura Tapia) (L. Tap) says:

    I love Steely Dan.

    Like

  43. This post had me in stitches from start to finish! Thanks for all the laughs this morning.

    Like

  44. You have piss in your vinegar this morning don’t you Missy?
    I love that you threw Taco-hitos, as my nephew used to say, at Ned’s car. That is so Virginia Wolf-ish.
    My little doggie runs to the bathroom door pushes it open, makes sure I am not Elvis-ing on the toilet, then runs away.
    Wasn’t that a song from the 70s? Touch me in the toilet, then just run away. We don’t have tomorrow but we had yesterday….

    Like

  45. Shannon says:

    I often use the second, larger bathroom because it’s easier to fit both dogs in rather than the more convenient hall bathroom where by the time the Rottweiler and Coon Hound have worked out their spacial differences, I’m done and waiting to leave. At least it’s a few extra steps so more exercise! We are owned by pets why, again? Remind me?
    Hilariously lovely post, pretty June.

    Like

  46. Joan in NV says:

    Dead. Yet still twitching with laughter.

    Like

  47. Texas Kari says:

    Taquito car!
    I love when you say someone left in a huff. Cracks me up every. time. Favorite mode of transportation!
    Great post, June!

    Like

  48. Barbara says:

    Oh, you are in fine form this morning!

    Like

  49. carolineb says:

    Truly disappointed at no photo of the monkey mural but otherwise lovely post.

    Like

  50. Beth says:

    I vote Ned.

    Like

  51. Dancer says:

    Oh my gawd. So many opportunities. Hello passive. Cackle
    Did he call to say Taquito?
    Build a bust.
    Francis of A-piss-i….
    You are on fleck!

    Like

  52. Queen Marcy says:

    Francis of Apissi……..just dropped dead!
    Great post, you have such a way with words.

    Like

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