3/3/17

I am still sick. I know, man. This it it. Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you, honey. I'm going to the doctor at 4:00. IF I MAKE IT THAT LONG.

In the meantime, a Realtor, and yes that really is a proper noun, is coming at noon to see what my house is worth. I'm hoping $800,000. Dream big. Last night, feeling precisely poopy, I came home and flopped exhaustedly on the couch when I realized this place looked like hell.

So I tidied. Yes, despite being very seriously ill.

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After I took this photo, I put away the cat toys on the floor too. Tidy Tess! Also, nice symmetric pulling of the blinds.

You can see Edsel was a big help.

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That box on the table is cause a faithful reader sent me retro makeup and candy–thanks, FR! I don't want to say her real name, cause I don't know if she uses that as her screen name, and that's always a thing. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, so we'll just call her a faithful reader in case she's an underworld spy or the wife of a close friend.

Wife of a close friend.

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It's not a table unless a cat is on it. I have four people coming for dinner this weekend who are all like, "Yeah, great" right now.

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wut we havin for dinnur?

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I don't know if I told you my dishwasher broke, and guess what else I should have had Alf the handyman fix? Dang.

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I see I still have to wash the cupboard doors, there. Honey and lemon juice from a goddamn piece of salmon the size of a Munchkin's dick. That's what spilled there.

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Pile of crap, now with with cat tail!

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Cat found under pile of crap; story at 11:00.

Son of a–you guys. I just heard a ruckus outside. I know what that ruckus is. Guess who was on the roof?

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As soon as I went out there, he jumped down, and yet refuses to come inside. He just stares at me rebelliously, proudly stomping about, and runs away when I approach him. Asshole. HOW DID HE GET OUT??

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I know this LOOKS like a request to go in, but really he just wants to balance on the screen like he does. Show off his skillz.

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Action shot. Edsel is appalled.

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See? That's all he wanted. He won't come in. This cat is a bigger asshole than Lottie was. Why does God abhor me so? I'm a good per–okay, that's why God abhors me so.

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It was Lottie who tore this screen on, like, day one. See above ref to God's abhorrence.

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not rilly in mood to come in, thanks all same.

Fuckstick.

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Anyway, so now the place is tidy-ish and I will alert you forthwith re if I am going to sell my cute house, which I really don't want to do.

Oh, also, they're moving my workspace. "Seems like June has told us that before," readers are thinking, sipping their espresso and vodka. Yes, it's true. I haven't worked there six years yet and this will be my 10th move. The exciting news is I'm movin' on up. I've spent lo these many years in what they call the Garden Level, which is a delightful euphemism for The Basement. We have been visited by black widows, and I don't mean Coretta Scott King, snakes, mice and also a lack of windows.

I strolled up to my new spot yesterday and…windows!!! I have a window now! Now I gotta obsess about where Ima park. It'll be a whole new world. Also? Closer to the vending machines. Score!

All right, I'd better go. I look forward to conversing with you later, and for the more hysterical of you to worry about Steely Dick Dan, who is clearly magic and we all just need to accept it.

Sniffle-ly,

Juan

52 thoughts on “3/3/17

  1. You didn’t really respond to the point I was making. And I’m not sure why you think “perhaps I’m missing something here” is necessarily being passive aggressive. The intended meaning of the phrase was more along the lines of “perhaps I’m coming to this discussion a little late and don’t know what the situation is” than “I’m actually not missing anything.”
    Not to worry. One of your adoring readers, Dancer, may have explained the situation, although perhaps he could have done without the passive-aggressive sexism of “although I adore her house to bits, hello single woman income.” Single WOMAN income?

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  2. Hope you feel better and good luck with house decision. Sometimes it’s so effing hard being a grown up. Glad you got the package and sorry it was edible, did not know about sucky diet.
    Congrats on the movin’ on up busines !

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  3. I too, have the lovely thrill of giant palmetto bugs showing up occasionally, and NOTHING creeps me out more than that. I feel like standing with a sign ala Norma Rae and demanding a vermin free workspace.

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  4. That’s encouraging then, last time I was on the market for a home was at least 20 years ago, so maybe there are more rentals to be had with easier terms. And I am in the Midwest.
    On the flip side, I’ve been the landlord too, and I was particular about the pets I would allow in my house. Bad experiences with cats who liked to spray the walls and cabinetry, and dogs who chewed the windowsills, of all things.
    You do what you gotta do to reduce your stress and take care of yourself. Working yourself to death just to pay some of the bills is no way to live, no matter how much you love the house. (and those bills NEVER end). Here’s to a super high appraisal.

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  5. June, I feel ya. MM, I think that’s so smart. That’s exactly why I’m seriously thinking about selling my home and renting as well.
    I own my home alone. My nephew and 2 teenagers live with me right now, so he takes care of the yard and snow upkeep, but he won’t be with me forever. I’m getting to the age where I don’t want to be responsible for home repairs and upkeep and moving and snow removal on my own. I can pay somebody to do all that, but I can also rent somewhere where all that is somebody else’s problem!
    I’ve had my years of being a badass GURRRRLLLL who owns her own home and holds it down and brings the bacon home and yadda yadda. Now I just want to relax and not have so many responsibilities.

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  6. I hope the realTOR was delighted with the house.
    I painted “Save June” on our local water tower. It better work.

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  7. Whenever you tell the stories about SD being inside and then suddenly appearing outside, I always wonder if maybe he has a twin and they are pranking you. It’s like you are in The Parent Trap!

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  8. My kids have had the same experience throughout the Midwest – renting with pets has never been an issue. Medium and small dogs, no problem.
    (I have a lot of kids and they move frequently – another source of anxiety for me. Not a mover. Or a Shaker for that matter. Basically a small town Lutheran who looks askance at people who move as if it’s evidence they did something wrong.)
    Happy Saturday June! Hope you find a way to experience joy, in these your last days.

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  9. The only thing I would consider is available of rental that will allow pets within budget. When I was renting I always had a hard time finding landlords who would allow my medium size dog. Even with pet deposit.

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  10. I rent and I love the freedom. It’s a small townhouse and my landlord pays the heat, he pays for plowing and mowing.
    Right now I’m a travel nurse and am hardly at my apartment. If something needs fixing I call the apartment manager. I’ve been there five years and just recently asked to have carpeting installed. Last week the furnace was malfunctioning. No worries, call the manager.
    When I owned a house I was paying for heat which costs a lot of money in Maine, the furnace kept malfunctioning and the repairs were too much for me.
    I love the freedom of renting.

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  11. So. Here’s the deal. Hello 2007? When people thought it was just the value in homes?
    How about property tax and not to mention upkeep? Sure Orman states you should bank 10% of your mortgage payment EVERY month to be able to afford UPKEEP let alone major breaks and upgrades.
    Broken refrigerators, stoves, washer, dryers, vents, windows, screen, peeling paint, screen doors, missing vents…I could go on and Joob is probably about ready to slit her vein with the mention of the things that have not YET go one.
    Although I adore her house to bits, hello single woman income.
    June. I thought of you today and the house sitch. I hope, if In the end, you decide it’s the best financial move for your security, you will see it as the years you have lived and loved in a sweet home. And the next phase, be what it may be, will hold sweet memories of its own.

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  12. I love your retro style.I also have a telephone table like yours which is currently painted black but your grey one is giving me an itch to paint.Iris with the crossed paws is the shizzle.

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  13. I find money stuff to be the absolute worst part of being an adult, so I got nothin’ on that. I do love the Steely Dan antics and I hope you feel better. Hot toddy, maybe?

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  14. I truly hope that you don’t have to sell, and maybe you can refinance or something. Your little house is so retro, cute, and really suits you.

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  15. I love the whole passive-aggressive “maybe I’m missing something here.” Maybe what you’re missing is actually being me, being in my life, being in my financial situation. Did you ever consider that? Or were you too busy being smug about your intense knowledge of the real estate situation in the Triad?

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  16. I’m not understanding why you want to sell. Chances are, you’ll be paying more in rent than you are currently in mortgage payments. And with the rate of home appreciation in your city projected to be near 5 percent a year over the next several years, you’re going to be throwing away money if you sell now. (If your house is currently worth, say, $200,000, you’ll be gaining $10,000 in appreciation a year if you stay put.) Perhaps I’m missing something here, but I don’t know what it could be.

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  17. Oh man, I missed two posts!!! Must catch up. Miss a day and you miss a lot. Hey, that was a slogan in the 70s, wasn’t it? Or maybe that was for a newspaper I currently get. YES I still get a newspaper, there’s type print on real paper, it’s thin but it’s still paper, I open it up, there’s a crease and a fold and now I’m just starting to sound dirty so I’ll end it there and go and read posts.

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  18. Holy crap, dancer! Did people say the snakes, scorpions and coyotes were IN your office?!?
    Now my pod hell doesn’t look so bad. I don’t have dead rats in my fax machine, either.

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  19. I think that’s part of the being a grey cat contract – you have to be a huge Fuckstick. (I love that word!) My grey girl certainly is. Mostly to the other cats who just want to be friends. They’re assholes, but you can’t help but love them for their assholishness.
    I love the picture of SDFuckstick proudly prancing about!
    Yay for windows! I have never had a window (or an office of my own) in 37 years of working. I’ve spent my employment life in pod hell.

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  20. I am NOT offering advice, I rent and have learned a few things over the years that make me strongly consider purchasing a home instead of renting the next time my lease is up.
    1. Rent is high, the last couple years rent exceeds a house payment significantly. Example – I pay $1250 a month rent. My neighbor owns a mirror image of my home, with the addition of a swimming pool. Her house payment including PMI is $850
    2. Pets – renting with pets is an issue. Not impossible but difficult. Most management companies have a maximum weight for dogs, no pitty pitt rules, no indoor cats, only one pet per household and charge a pet deposit and additional $50 to $100 a month pet fees on your rent.
    My current landlord does not charge additional fees, if he did my rent would be $1450 a month.
    3. if you own your home you are responsible for repairs and that can be costly. You can purchase insurance that covers the majority of things on a home, major appliances, damage, etc. Twice in the past 10 years as a renter I have had management firms and/or landlords decide a repair was going to be too costly and they sold the property out from under me and I received 30 days notice to find a new home.
    Might add those thoughts to your decision making process.
    Good luck no matter what you decide is best

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  21. I hadto keep checking to make sure this wasn’t The Nester’s blog, what with all the lovely before and afters.

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  22. OH, I almost forgot, congratulations on the move at work. The office I work in is horrible. We have all kinds of bugs, last year they pulled a giant rat out from the ceiling in my office and I have also had a mouse live in my faxmachine. GROSS!!!

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  23. congrats on the move up and good luck on the possible sell. steely dan is a wandering soul…it would crush him to be pent-up.

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  24. I love when you take house pictures! Everything is so cute, that telephone table makes me want to have one too, and of course a pink phone!!
    I hope you don’t have to sell your house, it is so cute. I love your table cloth, it is so pretty.
    Feel better soon!

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  25. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe the trip to the doctor will help.
    I love SD. I love that photo of him perching on the screen door. That is so cat-ish.
    I hope you don’t have to sell you cute, cute cozy cottage. You know new dishwashers are very reasonable, like under $400. I know that sounds like $3 million right now. Can you rent cheaper than you can stay there and be in a nice area? Your neighborhood seems to be just as cozy as your house. Lots to think about, makes my head swim because I’ve lived in the same house the past 40 years, so I kind of have a hard time thinking about moving. Lisa, that concept your kids are living by gave me the hives as well. I’ve never heard that.
    Having a window is really exciting news. The last ten years I worked I didn’t have a window and I hated being in the windowless box. Plus, it was so HOT the sweat would roll down the middle of my back into my underwear. That’s when I told the division admin assistant she better not touch my fan or she would die.

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  26. I hate that you are selling your house but I am in the same quandary. Will I stay or will I go.
    That darn cat! I don’t know how you haven’t had a heart attack and yes he is magic.
    Hey congratulations on the Weezy move.

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  27. A well-placed comma, and slight spelling change cannot be over looked (overlooked?? Oh God.) in cat on table pic.
    “Wut we havin, fur dinnur?”
    On a side note; Steely, the Dick, Dan!!!! HA!

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  28. I want so badly to BEG you not to sell your house. Far be it from me to offer advice or try to tell you what to do, though. Do get better soon.

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  29. Coretta Scott King. BAH!
    Your house really is cute. I will hate for you to sell it. Although Renting is the New Black. Unlike Coretta Scott King… ANYWAY. My kids now tell me that you should own where you want to rent and rent where you want to live. So they all own property that they rent for income and rent the homes they live in. Which gives me hives, but whatever. We were always taught the American Dream. Buy a house and live in it forever.
    Vigil continues for June and the Unending Suffering…

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  30. i hate to say it but i bet that emeffer busted the screen. whadda dick.
    but so cute. (that’s what she said).
    moving on up…to the eastside, to an apartment in the sky…
    also? yesterday i was informed to watch out for rattlesnakes, scorpions and coyotes at my work place. WTF?
    clearly, i’m right on schedule with Pope Francis’ fasting list.

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  31. I loved this post. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. Probably the pictures. And Steely, the Dick, Dan.

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  32. I loved this post. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. Probably the pictures. And Steely, the Dick, Dan.

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  33. I loved this post. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. Probably the pictures. And Steely, the Dick, Dan.

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  34. I still think SD needs to be renamed to Houdini. Hope you get to stay in your cute house!
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  35. I’ve been at my job for 10 years and I’ve moved once about 15 feet from my original spot. That was only because they completely gutted our office and remodeled it. Okay, technically we all had to move to other floors for about 4 months while the gutting and remodeling was going on, but officially I’ve only moved the one time. We have 7 floors and I have co-workers who have moved all over the place. But I seem to be stuck.
    Steely Dan is simply amazing. I love him.

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  36. I love the Kong shadows, especially where SD’s shadow tail is curled up. He’s a show off isn’t he? Personally, I love him.

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  37. Thank you for the lovely post, lovely June. I look forward to the laughs every day. Oh, and your house is so very adorable.

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