Yesterday's family stories were hilarious. I knew I'd like them. All day I wanted to tell you my friend Dave's family story, one of 3949493944 of them that he has, but I was doing that pesky work thing, and then right after work I had my hair, so hello, home at 8:30.

I mean, I always have my hair. You know what I mean.

Also, Dear Mom. I drove home and let him out to pee, then I screamed to the hair appointment 10 minutes late as a result. So you can stop feeling sorry for Edsel.

IMG_5866
nobody no. the trubble edz seen. no body no. edz sorrooo.

Oh, but the story, which I've probably told you before.

My friend Dave has, like, 97 sisters, all of whom are married except for one. When Dave, who is gay gay gay, goes home for Christmas, he and the unmarried sister have to ride everywhere with mom and dad, like they're still kids cause they never married.

One Christmas they were headed somewhere, and we're talking Michigan in December. It's fucking freezing. They stopped to get gas, and Dave's dad was at the pump when his mom noticed dad had a nosebleed. "Your father is bleeding," she kvetched. It was literally too cold to roll down the windows, so she was desperately trying to signal him, to no avail.

As soon as he got back to the car, she announced, "You've got blood on your face."

"You big disgrace!" Dave's sister yelled out.

"WAVIN' YOUR BANNER ALL OVER THE PLACE, SINGIN' WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!" Dave and his sister began singing, delighted.

Their parents ignored them. Most stories like this involve the beleagured, Catholic, we-had-19-kids parents ignoring the shenanigans in the back seat.

That video looks like it was filmed in December in Michigan.

As I was looking for that picture of Edsel all happy on the bed, I came across these images, below. I'd forgotten that the other night, I had a dream that I met Heidi Klum and Seal, except they were literally Heidi from the book, and a seal. I was all, I thought they'd be different.

IMG_5872 IMG_5873

What the hell is wrong with me? Like, really, what the hell is wrong with me. Who even thinks about Heidi Klum and/or Seal anymore?

Oh, and I also saw this photo, from last night.

IMG_5915

I was preparing poses for my book jacket, if I ever write a book. I'm like Annie the maid in It's a Wonderful Life. "I was saving for my divorce if ever I get a husband." Also, here is proof I got my roots done yesterday. The straightness. For one night every six weeks, I'm straight. I like just men. I'm strictly dickly.  Then I wash my hair and go back to diggin' the ladies.

I don't have Latisse anymore, part of m'paying off the credit cards, and look at my sad little lashes. It makes me feel incomplete. Sometimes I reach up and touch my little nubs of lashes and grow sad. I realize I need a life. So bad, I do.

Oh, but speaking of getting a divorce if ever I get a husband, the other night for the first time, I signed onto the bank that gives me my car loan. Last month I called them and made them help me set up an account online, so I could pay my bill like it's 2017 rather than mail a check. I was having the hardest time creating an account last month, so I called them in a huff.

I signed on, and it said, Hey, girl. Here's how much you have in checking, and in savings.

I don't have checking or savings at this bank. I have a car loan. Or as some people say, a car note, which always kind of cracks me up. Dear Driver: You have to pay for me now. Love, Car.

"Do I have an old account I forgot about? Cause, ye$!" I thought, literally saying. y-e-dollar sign in my head. I clicked into checking, saw that a literal check had been written lately, so when I clicked on the screen shot?

There was Marvin's handwriting.

Somehow, the goddamn bank had combined my car note with his checking and savings.

Also, Dear Marvin: Since when do you have savings?

"Would you like to pay your bill using one of your BB&T accounts?" the screen asked me.

Why, yes. Yes, I would. Just take this payment out of Marvin's SAVINGS, why don't you? I never sued for alimony.

Of course I did not do that. I paid for my damn car NOTE out of my own money, money that could have gone to something reasonable like Latisse. Then I texted Marvin to alert him to this, and to point out that I am a magnificent person.

IMG_5862
yuu may kiss steelee hand

Oh, crap, I'd better go. Damn work, then after work I have my hair.

See what I did, there?

Surreally,

Jewn

0 thoughts on “Somebody better put your bag into your place

  1. Laurie in TN says:

    I used Vaseline to remove mascara for YEARS – then I stopped using waterproof mascara and eventually began to believe that the Vaseline was causing dark circles under my eyes.
    I use make-up remover towlettes from Big Lots, they are made in Korea and cost $1 for 30. Love them! But alas, no lush lashes and I am kind of past the point of caring about that.

    Like

  2. Natalie F says:

    Ohh, good to know!

    Like

  3. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    I would like to see that dream! I’m all about his Denny DuQuette-ness.

    Like

  4. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    And this is why I identify as a make up free girl.

    Like

  5. because coconut oil will cause you to get little white bumps on your eyelids that is why you only put it on your lashes. I asked that too.

    Like

  6. Natalie F says:

    That seems like an extra step/product. Why not use the coconut oil to take the makeup off and then put more on your lashes as conditioner if needed?

    Like

  7. I never noticed the word “divorce” in that quote of Annie’s! In fact, I was so sure you were wrong (sorry, June) I went and checked. I had no idea people joked about divorce back then.
    I read your blog because it is so educational.

    Like

  8. My dermatologist told me to do these three things.
    1. wash eyelashes with baby shampoo and rinse thoroughly every night after taking off your make-up. He also added ONLY use Vasoline Petroleum Jelly to remove eye make-up.
    2. With a wand apply a coating of coconut oil from base to end of lash to condition them.
    3. Take a really good Biotin with collagen.
    I went from having 3 eyelashes total to having long full eyelashes on both eyes. Oh and his other recommendation was to only use waterproof mascara if you are going swimming otherwise use a primer and regular mascara.

    Like

  9. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Field trip! I’m cracking up. I do have a card, I just don’t remember my PIN. It might be in my password book.

    Like

  10. Beverly says:

    What?! You’ve never used an ATM? I can barely remember the last time I’ve used a teller to get money. I can take you on a field trip the next time we get together if you’d like.

    Like

  11. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    If only I had had the wisdom I have now when I was young.

    Like

  12. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Love the sweet SD face.
    Beverly, I’ve never used an ATM. I know, don’t judge me.
    You are sooo honest (said in a heavy Brooklyn accent…there is a long story behind that quote that I won’t share right now). I did crack up about you getting into Marvin’s account.
    I was trying to access my credit union account and got into another account. Don’t ask my how, but I did. I quickly realized it was not my checking account. I immediately exited the account and called the credit union. That was really scary.

    Like

  13. Beth says:

    “it made me feel like I have outlived my usefulness.” I swear i get that feeling every day.
    Also that my expiration date is fast approaching.
    They just don’t realize what wisdom we have that is so useful.

    Like

  14. Maddie says:

    Comments and post are killing it today! Ya’ll are hysterical and so lushes! (Is it methyl B12 for lashes? Is it?)

    Like

  15. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    I had a fantastic dream about Jeffrey Dean Morgan last night. I felt very guilty this morning when I rolled over and saw my husband innocently snoring. I blame binge watching The Good Wife and Grey’s Anatomy during the same week.
    The other day I called my bank with a question, and I used the term “charge card.” The spermatozoa that I was talking to said he had never heard that term before. I don’t know if that was an age thing or a stupid head thing. Either way, it made me feel like I have outlived my usefulness.

    Like

  16. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    Heeeeeeee. But then sad face.

    Like

  17. Hulk says:

    Happy Proofreader’s Day

    Like

  18. Cheech says:

    Awww, Edz and SDS snorgling.
    Also, strictly dickly! That sounds like a British comedy.

    Like

  19. Fay says:

    And then, that man became President of the United States.

    Like

  20. dancer says:

    i opened this window hours ago before my new job crashed my brain. i know, you needed to know that.
    i enjoyed yesterday’s stories as well.
    as for the bank – i had a few instances where the ex and i bumbled into the same place. unfortunately, it wasn’t anywhere i could take any of his money. what a darn shame.

    Like

  21. Carol in Mpls says:

    Is it olive oil or coconut oil, perhaps?

    Like

  22. hot in az says:

    that photo of steely dan!

    Like

  23. b says:

    I like advice….

    Like

  24. Helen says:

    We might have worked for the same guy at one point… Also, my CEO got an ATM card with a VISA logo on it and proceeded to use it just like a credit card. The only reason he didn’t bounce a check is because I balanced his checkbook for him and had to explain how that newfangled ATM card worked and then go to the Controller to request funds to cover all the money he’d spent. (He was also the company owner so he could do that.)

    Like

  25. Kathy F. says:

    Do share how to grow lucious lashes cheaply. Pretty please?

    Like

  26. Beverly says:

    A boss at a previous job called me from the bank one day and said, “Beverly, I need to get some money out. I’m standing at this machine. What do I do now?” I told him to stick his ATM card in the slot, he’d need to enter his PIN and then follow the instructions on the screen. He told him he didn’t know his PIN. I told him he couldn’t get any cash then. He started screaming at me, “BUT IT’S MY MONEY! AND I WANT IT NOW!” He told me how unfair it was that he couldn’t get his own money just because he didn’t know that number and the bank was closed. So I told him to call his wife and have her help him and maybe she would know the PIN. Y’all. ATMs had been around for almost 20 years by that point. How did he not know how to use one? He was CEO and Chairman of the Board of a multi-million dollar company, but he couldn’t get money out of an ATM.

    Like

  27. Random Reader says:

    I was an accounting clerk at a bank about 100 years ago. My job mostly involved transferring money in and out of accounts that had between $1 and $3 million in them (it had to do with mortgage loan closings). I would type their account numbers on journals all day long. One day, I went to the front counter to withdraw some cash to go get lunch. I gave the withdrawal slip to the the teller (who obviously knew me) and he entered the information into the computer. He looked at the screen and then looked back at me and said, “I don’t mean to insult you, but I don’t think this account number is right. The balance is over one million dollars.” I wasn’t insulted – I think I’d be more insulted if he’d thought I would still work as an accounting clerk if I had over a million dollars in a CHECKING account!

    Like

  28. I’d *have* been. Heart hands, smiley face.

    Like

  29. Oh, I love that gas station story so much. Thank you! I’d been the youngest kid in the middle seat (just like real life!) singing along!

    Like

  30. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Also too Dave’s story made me LOL. Having grown children leads to some very awkward moments.

    Like

  31. DG in Niagara Falls says:

    I think I prefer lushes…..

    Like

  32. DG in Niagara Falls says:

    Please tell us how to grow lashes cheap.

    Like

  33. Luscious not lushes.
    Don’t judge I am on day 2 of a 28 day cleanse and I have had zero caffeine for 2 days.

    Like

  34. When I was in college I had a bank account at the same bank my dad had an account. Our numbers were 1 number off. I went to withdrawal some cash because hello dark ages you had to actually go to a bank and ask a cashier to give you some of your money. She gave me my twenty dollars and on the receipt was my checking account balance. It was huge. I was rich rich rich! She had taken my twenty out of my dad’s account. I too did the responsible thing and told both the bank and my dad. He made me pay him back the twenty.
    I am sorry you have nubs of lashes. I would tell you what helped mine grow long and lushes for cheap but I know you don’t like advice.

    Like

  35. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    That SDS gets me every time. I think it is so sweet how the cats adore Edsel.

    Like

  36. Sadie says:

    Loved yesterday’s family stories. Thanks everyone for sharing.
    Good grief with your bank. I’m sure Marvin is thrilled about it. Maybe you can borrow Lisa NTL’s closeted ashes.

    Like

  37. Jeanie says:

    P.S. Did Eds go out willingly? Is he feeling better?

    Like

  38. Jeanie says:

    Thank God you went home before your hair and let Edsel out. I was starting to worry, too. Scary about the bank. Sheesh.

    Like

  39. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    You could have at least told us how much he has in the bank. Because – riveting! I’m always fascinated by other people’s money biz. Which come to think of it is how I found you Joooon!
    Our bank keeps linking my husband’s account with his dead mother’s. And then insisting he prove once again she is actually dead. I so want him to bring that damn box of ashes that’s on the shelf in my closet.
    You look beautiful June! So pretty!

    Like

  40. Ms.Melissa says:

    Holy shit! That bank seems incompetent! You could have cleaned out that account.

    Like

%d bloggers like this: