Joe Lies

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I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee?

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hahahahahaha

Anyway.

I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not seem to include waxing, but you must trust me on this. While I was waiting, I got to know a woman sitting next to me. We talk talk talked and we're the same age and both single and finally we exchanged numbers and picking up women is super easy.

Why can't I get my eyebrowns, as they say, to look at good as they get them to look? It's completely worth the six dollars.

Other than that, I went to the grocery store and loaded myself up with frozen yogurt bars for the next two weeks, and because I try to get in plant-based foods, one of the boxes was strawberry flavor. The other bars were vanilla, and isn't the vanilla bean a plant? I think it is. So. Diet. Complete.

I have never seen a tanning bed at Elegant Nail & Tan. I'm not saying there isn't maybe one back there, but I've never seen it, and I've never heard anyone come in there and say, Yes, I'm  here to tan? Maybe they need to rethink their moniker. Elegant-ish Nail & Old Magazines.

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At my old seat at work, I looked at an Impressionist-ish painting of fall trees against a blue sky, and now I look at multiple Os. That picture of me on my bulletin board is from this time we had to take selfies for a client presentation, and one day the janitorial staff left a note that read, "Is this trash" on a box, and some jokester put that note on my selfie and an eternal joke was born.

I meant to Google why companies move you around a lot, like, what's the benefit to them, but I forgot. If anyone knows, I'd be curious. Some people at work are really traumatized over it, if they've been at their desks forever and so on.

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Others of us are excited to be reunited after being ripped apart. Like Joe and I were ripped apart.

Name that movie.

Anyway, other than that, I have a gigantic freelance job coming up starting tomorrow and going until next Friday. So if I up and disappear, it means I'm behind and I'm frantically working to get it all done. So be sure to pepper me with IMs and emails. WHERE ARE YOU, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOON? Are you dead, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON?

I have already gotten my delightful credi card debt down to the next number. So, like, if I were 11,000 thousand dollars in debt, which I'm not thank god, I'd be down to 10,oooo now. Yay. So I keep plugging away. Which doesn't help pay the bills at all. "June keeps unplugging and plugging her appliances, yet she still has debt."

Shouldn't Tallulah have to pay this? Someone wake her up.

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Iris and me having an Elliott and E.T. moment. Beeeee good. She's always good. I mean, to everyone but baby birds. And adult birds. Or anyone rodent-ish.

Also, I've noticed that there are always cars now at my next-door neighbor Peg's. Sometimes just one extra, sometimes two. Someone's been rolling her trash can to the curb, as well. This worried me, so I called her, and she's never called me back. It's been, like, a week. I don't want to be all Gladys Kravitz and go over there, but I feel like something is definitely up. There has never been a time Peg hasn't called me back.

Maybe she has Noro virus. Hey, June, you ever gonna get over Peg giving you Noro virus?

What do you think?

All right, I have to go to work, try to find my new desk.

Your friend and mine,

Juan

56 thoughts on “Joe Lies

  1. My workplace fmr, a law firm, didn’t move us around at all, but they constantly changed the attys and/or paralegals that we were assigned to. That did not trigger anything but insecurity and bitterness.
    Glad to hear Peg is OK. I’m sure she will appreciate that you were worried about her.

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  2. Turning 46 on Monday, the 20th. It’s international happiness day – or is it national? Anyhow, get yourself happy. Also the first day of spring. I have the best birthday.
    Except someone said norovirus, and now I’m completely distracted by wondering if I feel queasy. From reading the words “norovirus.” I am entirely rational.

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  3. At my office certain people liked to wad up paper towels into compact, hard little balls and throw them at people. Nothing to make a late-twenties person feel like a curmudgeon like being beaned in the head with a paper towel ball. Grr…

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  4. Vee, 4th 5th & 6th grade were the worst for me. All the other desks were in groups of 4 or 6 except mine, which was ALWAYS in the front next to the teacher’s. When we finally got to see our records, mine said “gets no work done if she is near anybody else”…..WOW, how mean is that? I was one of 7 kids in my family, if you didn’t speak up, nobody listened. Haunts me till this day!

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  5. What’s your date DeDe? DG & I are next Thursday, the 23rd. Older yes, maybe, but still got it going.

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  6. I would have shared time getting past the Noro virus as well, because that is really nasty stuff. I just missed the sarcastic font. Sorry.

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  7. And I thought I was being morbid when I wanted to suggest she google Peg’s name to see if there’s an obituary out there…
    I’m glad I don’t work anymore with all this reshuffling of desks being the in thing. When I’m planted, I grow deep roots and would hate to be moved.
    Lovely post, June.

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  8. I think everyone thought “What do YOU think?” was me asking for advice, but really I was being sarcastic about whether I will ever get over Peg giving me the Noro virus, see. Is the thing.

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  9. Oh honey, didn’t you ask? Or did I just imagine that? Or was I just HOPING you asked? Hee I guess I’ve not recovered from my caregiver days, but all the people coming and going just make me think…caregivers.

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  10. Now if we don’t hear from June we will be speculating whether or not June’s limbs are in the trash can being rolled out.

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  11. If I was a dude, I would totally go for the beard look. I hate shaving my legs, I can’t imaging having to shave my face every day. ugh.

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  12. In grade school, I was always moved to the single desk at the back of the room because I talked too much. I got straight A’s, but my “citizenship grade” was not good, and that is what my parents focused on.
    And I always liked coming back to school after Christmas break, because the janitorial staff moved all the desks around and it was fun looking to see to where your desk had been moved. Except, mine was always the singe one in the back.

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  13. You don’t think that Peg was murdered and dismembered, do you? And the person rolling her trash out is getting rid of the evidence limb by limb? FIND OUT.

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  14. You don’t think that Peg was murdered and dismembered, do you? And the person rolling her trash out is getting rid of the evidence limb by limb? FIND OUT.

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  15. You don’t think that Peg was murdered and dismembered, do you? And the person rolling her trash out is getting rid of the evidence limb by limb? FIND OUT.

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  16. Poor Peg, hope she’s ok.
    Good for you for paying down/off your credit card. It’s almost like you’re giving the middle finger to them!

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  17. I’m betting Peg had some sort of surgery or something.
    Also, that catten is amazing and delightful.
    If I moved my work people around they would lose their shit. No thanks.

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  18. I used to go to Elegant Nails and Tanning here in Sacramento. Actually, I went there for about 20 years, until I realized the manicurist hurt me every single time and quit. Also, I sent my daughter an email a couple days ago in which I referred to eyebrowns. You’re scaring me, June.
    Go check on Peg. This does not count as advice since you asked what we think.
    Good for you for paying down debt. I have my tax return sitting in my checking account as I try to talk myself into applying it towards my credit card. Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

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  19. Why, why, why are the dudes wearing those god-awful pioneer/Amish beards? So ugly. There’s a guy at my grocery store, in the deli no less, who has to wear a hairnet over his. Disgusting.
    Yesterday I spent a delightful amount of time with friends in this cool fossil shop. Bought myself a lovely pre-birthday bracelet. Nice hippie-dude (with a braided beard) was playing Steely Dan cd. We all laughed at singing along & being old. Do it again.

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  20. There are rumors that they’re going to change my office (5 stories worth) from offices and tall-walled cubicles to all open concept with more conference rooms.
    I will kill myself. And die. I can’t.
    Check on Peg, you’ll feel better if you do.

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  21. Starskee and Hutch. And laughing SDS. Dead.
    Hope Peg is okay although it does sound worrisome.
    Congratulations on seeing a lower number on your credit card balance.

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  22. Absolutely! Check on Peg. You tried phoning, try walking over to check on her. This is not advice, just being a good neighbor.
    SD is the mystery cat. You never know where you are going to find him next.
    You go on paying down that/those credit card(s)! I’ll just be thinking $$$ while you disappear to do the freelance job.
    Work moves? To give movers employment to help the economy.

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  23. I look forward to the inevitable skateboarding in the office. It’s always funny till somebody loses an eye.
    I think I still have the hackeysack I took away one day when there was TOO MUCH HORSING AROUND.

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  24. It would be funny if you started filling in each of those circles with tiny random things.
    Oh look, one of the millennials brought his skateboard to work now that you have hardwood floors instead of carpet.
    Congratulations on your freelance project and paying down that debt!

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  25. He likes girls. With names like Ashley…and Tabitha.
    I’m going to quote Say Anything all day long. Regardless of the situation.
    Please check on Peg. Now we’re all worried.

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  26. I want a stand up desk. But I imagine I would spend the entire time trying to think up reasons to sit down.

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  27. standing desks. the new ‘it’ around here. dislike.
    i’ll be sure to ask where you are. i hope peg is okay.
    hutch.
    ps. what i would give to have my own office again. SIGH

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  28. I always thought they moved people because they get too chatty. There are those people at work that the only reason you talk to them is because they sit close to you, I call them desk buddies. Like I would never hang out with them in the real world but sit me next to them and we will have a deep friendship…..until one of us moves. Than it is like who-care.

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  29. Hutch. Oh my god. Killed. As in dead.
    I love moving my desk around – I initiated the last move. I like moving my furniture around in my house, too. But if someone made me move, I might be a bit more prickly about that.
    Oh, poor Peg. I do hope she’s OK, but it sounds rather ominous.

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  30. We all need to know if Peg is okay, so go, Gladys Kravitz, go!
    Was that advice? I hope not. I prefer to think of it as a mandate. Because that’s so much better haha!
    Please forgive me, I have been awake for only 10 minutes.

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  31. Dear Juan,
    Peg needs you.
    Maybe you could leave a message for whomever is caring for her on Peg’s machine and they can get back to you.Look at me figuring Peg has a land line.I am from the olden days and don’t plan to come into these new high tech days , thank you very much.

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