June Gardens’ Day Off

I took the day off yesterday to work on my freelance work, and then I never worked on my freelance work.

Welcome to me. Welcome to the splendor of me.

The first thing I did was get together for coffee with Lilly of Chris and Lilly, and I like how she has to be half a person whenever I refer to her. But here's why: "I'm having coffee with Lilly," I told my mother.

"Your cat Lily?"

You know, technically I have coffee with Cat Lilly every day. You know what I should get? Is a tiger, and name her Tiger Lilly. That wouldn't be confusing at all, to have my tiger named the same thing as my cat. Fortunately for all of us, once I moved old Tiger Lilly in, she'd quickly be the only pet, kind of like the time some yahoo brought a praying mantis to "capture a bug and bring it to the school aquarium" day. We all watched our submissions get eaten, one by one, with just old green Laura Dern remaining in there.

Faithful Reader Paula is watching that Large Giant Lies or whatever it's called, and she's become obsessed with Laura Dern–or as my mother called her, Lorna Doone. My mother is watching that show, too. Stupid White Lies. What's it called?

Anyway, so it was good to see Lilly, even though she pointed out it'd only been 19 days since we'd seen each other and not my usual required 30. But, see, I'd asked her to coffee, so I didn't have to form my huffy, "GOD, I just SAW her" thought.

I'm a delight.

Also, I took a long spring drive in the country, something I have always loved doing. I've always wanted to live in the country. I never have. Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches.

PEACHES COME IN A CAN! THEY WERE PUT THERE BY A MAN!

I miss the '90s.

Anyway, the other crucial thing to happen is that the thing happened again. I had ZERO SYMPTOMS and then yesterday I woke up 100% stuffed up, and I can't taste anything, and I am miserable. It got worse yesterday as the day wore on. Why, god? I don't understand how I keep getting these instant colds, just add water.

If you get out your Big Book of June Events (what color do you see the book? I see kind of an old-timey sage green), you'll note I just got OVER the same thing about two weeks ago. What the HELL? I eat right.

God, that bolt of lightening almost hit me.

Anyway, after I drove to the country, ate zero peaches, had coffee with Lilly the person and not the cat, I headed to the grocery store, where it was chicken chili day, so I got a big tub, and then oh yeah, I really should change the filter in my furnace because pets, and oooo, I need coffee for work and I should get decaf and then caf for bad days, and oh geez, my allergy medici–

sploop.

The chili. The chili fell out my hands, y'all. The chili fell out my hands and due to that whole gravity nonsense, sploop.

Oh my god, humiliating.

That didn't stop me from getting chili again anyway.

Is chili fattening?

Anyway, that floor chili was the last thing I remember tasting. Ever since then it's been, Oh, I'm consuming some orange cold liquid that tastes like nothing and, oh, here's hot brown nothing that I'm drinking.

My grandmother was an excellent cook, and the best thing was her mashed potatoes. I lived for those. Eventually, my grandfather retired and they moved to Florida and then North Carolina, my grandparents did, and I didn't see them much. But eventually when I was 25, my father and I drove to North Carolina and had Christmas dinner with them AND I HAD A COLD.

All I'd wanted to do was taste those mashed potatoes, and there I was. Oh, the texture seems fantastic.

Just think. I was in the same state as Ned and didn't know him yet. I could've asked to borrow the car, driven from Asheville to Raleigh, knocked on his stupid college door and said, "In 22 years we're going to meet, and Ima tell you right now: Just KEEP ON WALKIN'. When I write you on OK Cupid, KEEP ON WALKIN'. …Well, see, OK Cupid will be this dating site online. Well, online is going to be…"

Did you ever wonder about people you met at certain times? Like, 1990 me would not have liked 1990 Ned, for shizzle. He didn't have long hair, he wasn't in a band, he was in a fraternity. No way. But I feel like for the first 45 years of my life, no matter when I'd met Marvin, I'd have liked him right away. If I met him now, though, he'd no longer be my type.

Not rich enough. I'm sorry, but that's become important to me in m'twilight years.

While I was writing you, I felt kind of funny, so I turned around and…

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You guys. God knows I love Lily the cat, god KNOWS I do, but holy Christ, she's an idiot. First of all, she doesn't know to meow to get my attention. And she doesn't know how to come in. You go to the door and she just stands there on that shelf. I've even shut the door on her, telling her she HAS to jump down and walk through the door, but it doesn't help.

So sometimes I pick her round football self up, place her on the deck, and she always

ALWAYS

starts heading the wrong way. "Inside is this, way, Lily."

Poor Lily. At least she's pretty.

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On the other end of the spectrum, we have Mr. I Be Smart and Bored and Maybeee a Claw in Edz Would Brake Up Moe Not Nee. Which is a long name. Almost as long as Steely Dan.

Speaking of SD, yesterday Alf, my handyman, came to give me a new gate, because y'all gave me so many tips that I could afford the $165 that cost me! That gate has been a travesty for years. The wood is rotting, and if Edsel had any chutzpah he'd had escaped through it ages ago. Also, you had to…LIFT it UP in order to open and shut it, otherwise it'd drag across the ground in a most undelightful way.

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Bonus: Edsel-peeing shot! It has to weather awhile before Alf can paint it. The gate, not Edsel's pee.

The point is, after Alf my handyman and I exchanged numerous giggly texts:

Alf: The 42" gate is really cheap. Would six inches make that big of a difference?

June: I'LL say it does!

Alf: heeee!

June: heeeeee!

We are both in our 50s.

Anyway, so after we revisited 7th grade a LOT, and even texted "stud" and slayed our own selves, he came over and had the back door open (heeeee) while he worked. This left the screen door with the hole in it (Alf's next project) open all afternoon, which meant Steely Dan could SOAR through the hole like a tiger at the circus, or my pet Tiger Lilly, all afternoon.

He was obsessed.

"That cat is crazy," said Alf, indifferently, as he worked. "Is that the one who was in the tree last time?"

No, that was Iris.

"You've got a lot of cats," mused Alf, and his Obvious Seminar starts next month. Sign up soon.

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At 4:00, Edsel and I retired to the bed, because it was one year exactly that Tallulah died. We talked about our favorite Lu memories, and remembered the good times we had with her, and how much we missed her and then Edsel told me he'd really like a new dog friend and won't I please go get that pitty that needs adopting?

Shut up. He did SO.

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And she's a medium! Look how it'll save me in psycics!

I know. I KNOW. You don't have to tell me.

Okay, I'd better go. I feel awful and my head is stuffy and I feel awful. Did I mention? What the HECK with these colds from nowhere?

Stuffily,

Jooon

58 thoughts on “June Gardens’ Day Off

  1. Been lurking for years, but I had to figure out a budget for our family that was a bit non traditional as budgets go. Where’s the “email June” button??

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  2. A day late and a dollar short, again. I also have a cold, but I had the pre-cold sore throat on Thursday night before the train hit me yesterday morning. I hope you are feeling better.
    Your gate looks great! And Lily IS pretty. I can picture SD flying in and out of the hole in the screen.
    Good luck with the freelance work, I hope you finish early today so you can relax tomorrow.
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. My Big Book of June Events is passion pink with a giant Hello Kitty sticker on the cover.
    Hope your crud has vanished for the weekend in case of dates.

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  4. My Big Book of June Events is pink and blue calico, Little House on the Prairie style. Mine would not be tabbed and sorted by category because then it wouldn’t be in chronological order and things out of order make me twitch.
    What a great post! Mr. Texas and our daughter used to sing that blasted peaches song all. the. time. Have mercy.

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  5. Hilarious post. It just laughed out loud all through it.
    It doesn’t seem like Lu has been gone a year. Some pets are so special and there will never be another one like them. I think Lu is that special girl.
    It sounds like you might be reacting to all the pollen. I’m working extra hard trying to stay well. I’ve been using Flonase, which is now an OTC drub, about every other day. So far I’ve done okay, but the pine trees aren’t in full bloom, yet.
    Your new gate looks good. Cats. They can act so dumb. Buster, one of our past cats, would scratch on our WOODEN door when he wanted inside. That stupid cat just about ruined the raised panel on the door.

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  6. My imaginary June book has always been black. I think because we always talk about people having a little black book so I’ve imagined us having a big black book of June.
    I’m sorry about you dropping the chili. And I’m sorry about Lu. And I’m sorry you don’t feel well.

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  7. Paula, since you have your book so organized, you will have to be our go to person when we have questions that should be in TBBOJ.

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  8. I remembered that yesterday was Lu day, as it was my birthday. Also DG & DeDe’s b-days. So, happy & sad combined, like life.
    Your Big Book is PINK. No other color would suffice. Now, go take something for those allergies. I’ve got them as well, usually snow mold at this time of the year, though we’ve had a very strong snow deficit this winter. Could it be from having the cat in my arms, my face in her furry neck? Is that why my eyes are itchy?

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  9. That cat will always be NedKitty. By the way, how is NedKitty doing? I KNOW what you said about NK.

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  10. My Big Book of June Events looks just like an old Fannie Farmer Cookbook. Also, if anyone knows that name you’ll love the documentary on Netflix about recreating a turn of the century meal!

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  11. Now I’m thinking June should supply us all with a stand like hers to hold our copy of TBBOJ so we can prominently display and reference it!!

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  12. She’s a pretty old cat, I think. Maybe she’s named Murphy White in the style of Murphy Brown (which ended in 1998).

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  13. My Big Book of June is an E-book so I can keep it on my phone, besides someone else always has the hard copy checked out at the Library of June.
    I posted this on FB yesterday but my Kahuna never can remember the name of that show and will call it Little Big Lies or Little Bittie Titties or Liar Liar Pants on Fire. We both love to hate Lorna Doon in the show. I think Ziggy may be one of the children of the corn although last time I was in Big Sur there wasn’t any corn or corn syrup.
    I think you need to introduce Sasha Cohen Bryn to Edz and see how they get along.
    Do you have a fever Joon? Should we start a prayer circle? Are you using a humidifier to keep the pollen down? Hope you feel better soon.
    I am making notes in the margins of my ebook so that I will be ready when you ask the last time you had a cold. I have also entered it into my symptom tracker and my calendar.

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  14. Is NedKitty a girl? Murphy is a weird girl name. Or maybe Ned had a thing for Candice Bergen? You young kids won’t get that hilarious reference!

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  15. Why has no one mentioned Sasha? I still think Eds will not notice that she is not Lu and everything would be fine if you brought her home!!

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  16. My (imaginary) Big Book of June Events is a Trapper Keeper looseleaf binder. With tabs. And a pen.
    Pets (Dogs. Cats.)
    Family (Pam, Uncle Leo, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Mary, Katie the Lesbian, Indian Wedding, etc.)
    Men (Marvin. Ned. Dick Whitman. Tall Boy, etc.)
    NC (Peg. Tinytown. Chris & Lilly. Nipplerings, etc.)
    Work (Church Sec’y. Copy Editor. Freelance. Co-workers.)
    ET CETERA.

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  17. My (imaginary) Big Book of June Events is a Trapper Keeper looseleaf binder. With tabs. And a pen.
    Pets (Dogs. Cats.)
    Family (Pam, Uncle Leo, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Mary, Katie the Lesbian, Indian Wedding, etc.)
    Men (Marvin. Ned. Dick Whitman. Tall Boy, etc.)
    NC (Peg. Tinytown. Chris & Lilly. Nipplerings, etc.)
    Work (Church Sec’y. Copy Editor. Freelance. Co-workers.)
    ET CETERA.

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  18. My (imaginary) Big Book of June Events is a Trapper Keeper looseleaf binder. With tabs. And a pen.
    Pets (Dogs. Cats.)
    Family (Pam, Uncle Leo, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Mary, Katie the Lesbian, Indian Wedding, etc.)
    Men (Marvin. Ned. Dick Whitman. Tall Boy, etc.)
    NC (Peg. Tinytown. Chris & Lilly. Nipplerings, etc.)
    Work (Church Sec’y. Copy Editor. Freelance. Co-workers.)
    ET CETERA.

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  19. Red and allergies.
    I cannot keep quiet about this any longer. Please tell us what happened to “of.” I’ve noticed several times now you’ll say, “got out the bed, “got out the car, “fell out my hands.” Am I the only one who wonders about this?

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  20. I’m so used to calling her NedKitty, Murphy was a surprise.
    Did I mention that I like Alf? Did I also mention that I’m having flashbacks to Edsel attacking Lottie? Speaking of Lottie, is she happily living your life in the country?

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  21. I LOVE that song!! My kids used to sing “Million of peaches, peaches for me” constantly. But, of course, the millennials I work with have NO IDEA what I’m talking about when I try to sing it. Idiots.
    I’d also guess you’re in the middle of a major allergy attack. Ask one of your doctors about singulair. It’s a prescription, but you can get a generic and it’s helped with my migraines, too. Sorry, advice – I know.
    My big book of June events is a faded red, like those old books you see in the Library of Congress. Very distinguished and important. You know something really worthwhile is contained within.
    I really feel as though Sasha is waiting for you . . .

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  22. Bahahaha…..and here I thought I was being a bit snarky…not brown nosing.
    Seems there is always something going on with Ms. June that we have to refer to TBBOJE. So, no need to put it away. Like June’s book on the stand in her house, easily referenced. Har har

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  23. With the high pollen count, I’m guessing allergies instead of a cold, but what do I know? If you can’t breathe and you can’t taste, it’s bad either way.
    Here’s to Lu and loving memories. And to all the joy she brought into your and Edsel’s lives.

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  24. “God, that bolt of lightening almost hit me.” Well, it KILLED me!
    I got the crud, but I saw it coming and still couldn’t get out of the way. OTC nasal spray is saving me. The congestion I had last weekend made my head feel like a bundle of raw nerves.
    Got a call from an unknown number in Greensboro and wondered if it was Joon checking in. I don’t answer unknown numbers.

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  25. My dearly departed aunt had a granddaughter for whom she had a special affinity. That granddaughter’s name was Sasha. My aunt, in her southern accent would always (and I mean always) say to everyone and anyone, “Sasha. Sasha’s my girl.” Except it would be pronounced, “Shasha. Shasha’sh my gurrl.” Please get Sasha so I can always think, “Shasta. Shasha’sh June’sh gurrrl.”

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  26. I am scribing constantly in that book. Scritch, scratch, scribble all day long.
    Big Little Boobs is OK – the book was really good. Nicole Kidman needs to remember she has teen children who will be appalled by her boobies on display not to mention all the other adult behavior she’s engaging in there on the screen. I cringe.
    June. Allergies is my diagnosis.
    Also that chili drop? We call that a Rachael Ray gone bad. If you’ve never watched her show that makes no sense.
    Lu is your once in a lifetime dog. All dogs are a gift, but some of them are just really special.
    Alf got your gate hung just right. He sounds like my handyman Marty. Sees all – never judges.
    Lovely post June!

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  27. My cat, Murphy, would claw up the screen by my bedroom window. Totally shredded it every time he wanted inside. I refused to let him in by that door and instead would open the front door and then wait the hour or two it took him to figure out he could get in that way. I kept expecting him to learn to just come to the front door first but alas, it never happened.
    Murphy was never as pretty as Lily.

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  28. I always pictured the Big Book of June events as oversized with a pink ribbon bookmark, pink hand dyed paper (beets) with the cover pink glitter leather bound and the title lettered in sequins.
    It just doesn’t seem like it’s been a year Lu has been gone. Lovely post, pretty Joon and cute picture of Edsel. Hope you feel better and don’t develop pneumonia this time.

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  29. I’m not watching Blond Bob and the Secrets because $HBO$. But I read the book because the previews looked so intriguing. The book is actually interesting and worth reading.
    Speaking of reading, If you don’t mind my blabbing, you thanked me once for reading your stupid blog. You probably say that to all the girls. Well, today is a good example of why I do. Honesty, your good heart, pathos, pets, music, humor, peaches, mashed potatoes, a furnace filter…Why, you’re one of life’s treasures.

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  30. I got a cold from nowhere yesterday, too!! I wonder if some particular breed of tree/grass/weed decided yesterday was the day to go POOF! and release their spore.
    Anyway, so I’m blowing my nose a zillion times (despite the damned Zyrtec), which rubs my makeup off and it bugs.
    Princess problems, I know.

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  31. I really don’t think it’s a cold. Most likely allergies. This is the worse place in the country for seasonal allergies.

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  32. When I went to get the Big Book of June, it was already checked out. Please pardon me if I have missed something, but a long drive through the country and now an inability to breathe and taste, sound more like heavy duty allergies. Or you know, a cold… the plague.
    You’re so pretty.

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