I have a new thing that bugs me.

"WHAT? How can that be POSSIBLE, easygoing June!" [Leans into computer, rapt.]

When someone refers to any emotion being "at a cellular level." Oh, shut up. Yes, my cells know I got kicked out of Brownies when I was six, and they're still celling over it. Jesus Christ.

Disclaimer: I was da BOMB at Brownies. Everyone loved me. I was the best Brownie. Nobody was a better Brownie than me. Have you seen the video (veeedeo) of all the times Donald Trump says he's the best at something? I can't find it, but it's funny. You must trust me on this. Or do a better job Googling. Whichever.

I kind of wish that, when I was typing you in the morning, someone would just stand behind me and lift my bosoms for me. I realize they've invented an article of clothing that will do that, but in the morning I type you in whatever pajamas the cat hasn't eaten, and it's an issue. Do you think I could hire, like, a 16-year-old boy, a foreign exchange student or something?

And that was the day the police burst into June's house.

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Plucky little on-her-6th-or-7th-life Iris and I went to the vet yesterday, to see what condition her condition was in. She's really very good in the car, as opposed to Lily, who once you put her in a carrier observes the following:

MEOW!

MEOW!

MEOWWWW!

When the vet walked in, he was very somber. "How is Edsel?" he asked.

"Well, he's–"

"The Prozac didn't seem to work, eh?" he went on, starting to examine Iris.

HE THOUGHT EDSEL WAS THE DOG ATTACKER!

Edsel! Attacking Iris!

I mean, okay, he eats puppies, but that doesn't make him some kind of monster. "No, no, no!" I said.

That's another thing that bugs me. It bugs me a lot, in fact. People who can't just say "no." They gotta say, "No no no no no no."

SHUT

UPPPPPP.

Anyway, "No, no, no," I said. "Edsel did not attack Iris! Oh my god, no! He's been so concerned about her! He loves the cats!"

And that is when I started overcompensating for Edsel, talking about what a wonderful brother he is, how he provides for our family and we have such good times when he's not in a fang-y rage.

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"So, the Prozac is working for him?" the vet asked.

"Not really."

Anyway, Iris's potassium levels are back to normal. She had one count that was still high, but my girl has a whole lotta muscle and tissue damage and that's to be expected. While we were there, her pain medicine wore off, and she started the walking around growling thing that is both adorable and awful. I gave her more as soon as we got home.

The vet said while she's on her crappy antibiotic, that white liquid stuff that if you have a pet you've given your animal at some point, it'll make her not hungry. I'm still tempting her with Steely Dan kitten food

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goddammitz

and she's willing to at least eat some of that. And speaking of how that cat should not even count as a kitten anymore, speaking of how the Pope should give me a dispensation and let me feed him regular food, when I was at the vet, I was smiling at the cat carrier, because it's one of those ancient hard plastic ones, as opposed to those cute collapsible ones you modern folk have now, and on top of it, in magic marker,

THIS MAGIC MARKER! So different and new!

in magic marker it reads "Ruby." It was the carrier we used to fly her from California to here. And then there's a laminated tag on the carrier that reads, "Henry" from when I took him to the emergency vet once. It's like a little history of my 9,000 cats.

I just remembered something. Yesterday was the anniversary of Ruby's death. Eight years. Okay, weird.

Anyway, for the first time, I noted an envelope taped to the carrier as well. It was Henry's papers from the time he was at the emergency vet, same reason he had the laminated card. The point is, while I was waiting yesterday I opened the envelope. Fully grown adult Henry weighed 7.5 pounds during that vet visit.

Steely Dan is 8 months old. He weighs more than 10 pounds.

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Here's why! Last night I brought food in bed to poor convalescing Iris, who is staying in my room for now. She nibbled at it a bit, but eventually SD came in and, my, what a delightful visitor he is. "Oh! Food gone beggeeeng!"

Did your mother ever say that when something was still left? "Biscuits going begging!' "Potatoes going begging!"

My friend's mom did. Please see above list of things that bug me.

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This picture absolutely kills me. I title it The Indifference of Youth. I also title it, For God's Sake, Get New Curtains, June.

In other news, I walked three miles yesterday. Because you're mine, I walk a mile. Wait. That's not how it goes. Anyway, at work, we have this little walk we do called Fuchs Loop, because Fuchs at work discovered it, and you get to walk past a lot of rich people's houses, and I had time to take that walk in the a.m. and the p.m. I'm like the convenience store. AM/PM June.

Then Edsel and I took our walk and then I went to the grocery store and I was all, man, I feel kind of tired. And right then I knew. I'd walked a lot yesterday.

Also, and here's where you start to feel bad for me. Not my hangdog cat or my insane dog. Not my sad bedroom curtains or my sagging bosoms. No. Here's why.

They were out of my flavor of La Croix.

Article-2289326-1876C3F2000005DC-48_634x460 Bd6d71622fc93cadcf3977cd0a76f222 LOSS-GRIEF-christian-books

"Did you find everything okay?" the chippie at the checkout counter asked me.

"You were out out Berry LaCroix," I said.

"…What's that?"

Okay, don't ASK me if you don't CARE, is what I say. Jesus. So then I got home and watched The Gilmore Girls and all I could think of was how a can of Berry LaCroix sure would be good right now.

I gotta go. I sent a letter to the rotten neighbors who refuse to call to say, "Sorry our dogs are maulers" and I included the receipts for both vet visits, coming to a grand total of $1,968.37. I feel like that letter will be received less willingly than a letter from, say, Publisher's Clearinghouse. I should have gone over there with the invoices and a few balloons.

Okay, June, out.

61 thoughts on “Linear. That’s what I am. Yep.

  1. lauradammit. (Laura Tapia) (L. Tap) says:

    My two boy cats both weigh around 16 pounds. Mooney is pretty chubby but Felix really isn’t, he’s just an enormous cat. Bebe weighs around 12 pounds and she’sa little chubby too. 7.5 pounds sounds so tiny!

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  2. Sandra in Naples says:

    Lovely post June.

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  3. Sandra in Naples says:

    Oh thank heavens I’m not the only one.

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  4. JG says:

    Bosoms going begging!

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  5. JG says:

    We learned to never make a claim unless there has been an apocalyptic level failure of some sort to your house. We made a small claim for storm damage to our gutters and then called to see if damage to our hot tub was covered (it wasn’t but they didn’t tell us that). I didn’t ask to open a claim because they wouldn’t tell us if it was or wasn’t covered. They opened a claim of their own accord, sent an agent to inspect the hot tub that wasn’t covered (when he arrived I said, “But I didn’t open a claim, why are you here?”, and then refused the claim (of course because it wasn’t part of the policy). Then canceled our home insurance because we made too many claims. There was no recourse. Son of a bitch. House insurance is a racket. I imagine that after you make a claim for something like a major repair, they pay up, and ban you for life.

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  6. KarenAnn says:

    I haven’t thought of that song in years….maybe cause it has been many many years since I was a Brownie. Brought a smile to my face!
    See what I did there?

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  7. kd from socal says:

    Great post, June. I was a good Brownie, too, but got busted for spending my dues on Lemonhead’s and Boston Baked Beans. Distinctly remember my mother getting the call one evening, “Karin? Oh, she wouldn’t do anything like that”. The shame I felt at that moment. Oy. I turned out to be the most honest person in the world. The end.

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  8. Annette says:

    I have to look for that at Aldi. Thanks!

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  9. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    Sadie, don’t feel bad, I thought June getting kicked out of the Brownies was a real possibility with #8 being the reason.
    So glad Iris got a good report on the potassium levels. I hope it won’t be long before she won’t need the pain meds, but if she is growling, she definitely needs them.
    SD is a hog.

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  10. Tee, who hates TypePad says:

    I haven’t either, it must be a Michigan saying.

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  11. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    I’ma start categorizing my afflictions as either full or mitigated.

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  12. Joan in NV says:

    “Kravitzing at the bit” = dead.

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  13. Queen Marcy says:

    My Maine Coon boy is 21 pounds! A moose and so sweet. I also have two female Maine Coons but they aren’t that big, but long and tall. That is the sweetest breed ever, they call them the golden retrievers of the cat world.

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  14. Sadie says:

    #1 and #6 are my favorites. You nailed it, but then I had this thought, June a Brownie wearing a brown uniform? And right then I knew…

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  15. Sadie says:

    8. Ate the cookies instead of selling them.

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  16. Sadie says:

    7. Glued pink sparkles all over her brown uniform and cap.

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  17. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    6. Kept complaining that she was mislead about actually getting silver and gold.

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  18. Sadie says:

    5. Refused to put on her great big Brownie smile.

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  19. Deb who is back to being Deb says:

    Reasons why June may have been kicked out of Brownies:
    1. Refused to make new friends or keep the old.
    2. Gluing the Brownie cap on her cat.
    3. After 4 minutes on a wilderness hike, demanded one of the leaders escort her back to the shopping mall where “civilization” exists.
    4. Petitioned for a “biggest hair” badge, then throwing a non-Brownielike hissy fit when they turned her down.

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  20. Sadie says:

    What does it say about me that I thought it was believable? Today’s word is gullible.

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  21. June Gardens says:

    Sadie, honey, I was kidding. [Pats Sadie.]

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  22. Sadie says:

    As a previous Brownie, I’ve been wondering all day why you got kicked out of Brownies. Can you share the reason?
    And on a side note, with some thought I was able to remember the lyrics to the Brownie song that begins with, “There’s something in my pocket…”.

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  23. Texas Kari says:

    Peach-Pear is my favorite La Croix.
    So glad your girl is continuing to improve. Am on pins and needles to hear how the dog owners respond.

    Like

  24. GreenInOC says:

    Especially horrifying when the body part that pinches your nipple should not be anywhere near your nipple! Oh, gravity, such a lovely cross to bear.

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  25. GreenInOC says:

    My favorite part of this article was finding that shoppers in mourning would visit the “Mitigated Affliction Department”!
    http://www.katetattersall.com/mourning-dress-victorian/

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  26. Annette says:

    And painful!

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  27. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    Let’s all wear that mourning outfit. Can you imagine really wearing that for 6 months to a year?

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  28. I hate when you are trying to sleep and you roll over on them and pinch your own nipple in the middle of the night. Really annoying.

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  29. Joan in NV says:

    Googling LaCroix because other than something edible relating to a cross, I got nuthin’.
    Glad y’all are doing better. FSD continues to kill me.

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  30. GreenInOC says:

    When you have big boobs and they are unharnessed, it makes it harder to type with them resting your forearms and all. Hmmm… maybe I just figured out why I’m not married.
    So thrilled that Iris continues to do better and better.

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  31. GreenInOC says:

    I’d never heard of it before either so I looked it up, “If something is going begging, it is available to be taken because no one else wants it”. So used in a sentence:
    In my house I’ve never said, “this butter’s gone begging”!
    I wish I had enough moola to say, “these 20’s gone begging, anybody want them?”
    GreenInOC has gone begging, won’t somebody marry her already?!

    Like

  32. GreenInOC says:

    Would it bug you at a… cellular level?!!!

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  33. Sadie says:

    Neither have I, Beverly. Probably because they never went begging at our house.

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  34. Anita says:

    Biscuits going begging? That makes absolutely no sense. Do they have tiny tin cups? What are they begging for? Butter?
    I just like saying pamplemousse. Which I say completely wrong.

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  35. Beverly says:

    Oh, sweet Iris. I’m glad she’s doing better.
    The no La Croix photos killed me dead.
    And no, I’ve never heard anyone say, “Biscuits going begging!’ “Potatoes going begging!”

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  36. has nothing funny to say today dancer says:

    so glad to hear about iris.
    great post june.

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  37. Pamplemousse (grapefruit) is my La Croix JAM. I love that stuff. Aldi does a really good imitation too.
    I laughed out loud (literally) at your first sentence. Rapt. Snort. You’re on fire today Miss June.

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  38. I am more of a lime LaCroix with tequila and salt but hey, that’s me.
    Iris looks like she is just over it all. SD is like the annoying little brother who stares at you until you give him your jello.
    June when you said you walked three miles I thought WOW did she lug Iris three miles to the vet? Was she singing I would walk three miles and I would walk three miles more. Just to be the chick who walked six miles to fall down at your door.

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  39. Jan says:

    I would pay money. Then I would settle in at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee and just enjoy the hell out of my reading.

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  40. Megsie says:

    Oh, this makes me happy! I am so glad Iris is doing better! I think maybe you need to lock your doors and stay inside for the month of March. It has issues with you and your pets. What did you ever do to March?
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  41. Annette says:

    No you are not. Kravitzing at the bit here too.

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  42. Annette says:

    Our homeowners will not cover what they consider to be aggressive breeds, Pitbulls, Rotweilers, etc. We have State Farm.

    Like

  43. Tee says:

    If it’s not in writing it didn’t happen. Certified mail return receipt is part of the proof. I wish I had a nickel for each of those green cards I’ve completed.

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  44. Sadie says:

    I’ve never heard the expression “at a cellular level”, another advantage of avoiding the Face. It would definitely bug me, too.

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  45. Jessica (Not a floozy) says:

    Coconut LaCroix is my flavor, oh man, I seriously love it.
    Glad to see Iris is feeling a tee bit better on a cellular level.

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  46. Jeanie says:

    So glad Iris is doing well. Lovely post, lovely June.

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  47. Cheech says:

    Goddammitz! Love the picture with SDick eating Iris’ food. “Let me take care of that for you, Iris.” and Iris is all “Don’t worry about me, I’ll just lay here draped over the bed, dramatically convalescing. I’ll be fiiiiine.”
    Glad Iris’ levels are good and she’s still improving.
    Sounds like SD will be a big boy! My grey girl is about 10 lbs as an adult. I have a Maine Coon who is 18 lbs and is a small pony, so the grey cat actually looks small compared to her.

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  48. Just Paula H&B says:

    Am I the only nosy busybody who would pay good American money to see that letter June wrote? On a cellular level, of course.

    Like

  49. Just Paula H&B says:

    Am I the only nosy busybody who would pay good American money to see that letter June wrote? On a cellular level, of course.

    Like

  50. Just Paula H&B says:

    Am I the only nosy busybody who would pay good American money to see that letter June wrote? On a cellular level, of course.

    Like

  51. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    Iris’s little shavey paw makes her look like she’s wearing a fur blouse with bell sleeves.

    Like

  52. That chick from Dallas says:

    Delightfully fun post, as always. Have a great day, lovely June.

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  53. Sadie says:

    The Indifference of Youth. At least, Edsel cares. Glad Iris passed the potassium quiz. Either she was up all night studying or she’s a natural at taking tests.

    Like

  54. Beth says:

    Super glad Iris is better.
    Iris says to SD…Can’t Steely even see dat Iris eez on mize death bed. Iris be blinded
    and I can evenz see dat.
    Cellular level = you have to call (cellular phone)every person to tell them about said feeling and why you are feeling it?

    Like

  55. Therese says:

    Mail them the receipts and get it certified, return receipt requested. That way they can’t say they didn’t get them.
    -reader who works at a law firm.

    Like

  56. Mrs Gumby says:

    Hope Iris is feeling better today at both the macro and cellular levels.

    Like

  57. PJ says:

    This was a laugh-a-paragraph great post, June.

    Like

  58. sara(h) says:

    Not being one who shares advice, I will though mention when I was growing up my parents bred Chows. We had a female, houdini, cat killing, human biting chow. She got out of the completely enclosed run, and then out of the 8 foot tall privacy fence and attacked a neighbors cat.
    $5k later, we discovered two very important details: 1. my parents home insurance covered the vet bills (apparently dogs are personal property in some instances) and 2. we learned no human had ever touched that feral alley cat and yet they moaned and groaned, cried and wept when the poor cat was attacked.
    I felt so very bad for the cat. First he was horrible mauled by a stupid vicious dog and then his freedom was taken away and he had to spend the remainder of his life with people he had formally hissed and spat at every time they tried to befriend him. I bet he HATED dogs.

    Like

  59. Linda from Jamestown says:

    Right there with you.

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  60. Lady of the lake says:

    This the Trump video?


    Glad to hear Iris is improving.

    Like

  61. Kim says:

    I am full prepared for them to give you all the excuses why this is not their responsibility to pay. I hope to be surprised.

    Like

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