That Crone is Thinner Than Me

“Hello, petty.” That was a message I got from a tuxedo’d man on Tinder last night. Yes, now I’m on Tinder. It’s not as hook-uppy as you’d think. I’m sure he meant to write, “You’re so pretty, June” but instead he wrote “Hello, petty,” and that sums me up so much better. Which is what I wrote him.

I don’t expect to hear back.

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Last night I had dinner with happy Ned. I know he looks all defensive and Tony Soprano, but really he was holding his breath cause he had hiccups. He had to go on this, like, four-day golf thing that sounded like a giant pack of hell, where they played golf (do you “play” golf? They did golf? They competed in golf?) like 36 times a day or for 36 games or something with 36 in it every day. Then he got on a plane yesterday morning, ate almonds all day because planes, came to get me, wolfed down his fish and got hiccups.

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Here’s a more regularly scheduled Ned, telling a story, probably about doing golf.

That woman behind him was really thin. I hate how enormous I currently am. It’s depressing. The thin woman got a salad. I had Parmesan-encrusted chicken. So there you go.

The reason he wanted to have dinner is because (a) he hadn’t seen Iris since The Incident, and seeing as he loaned me the smack to pay for it, I let him come see her. Is smack money or heroin? I’ve paid him back more than half already, thanks to you guys. And your heroin donations.

I did, by the way, get a note that I had certified mail from those neighbors. I signed for it and left the sign-for-it note on my mailbox, which the mailperson, the personperson, took and I’m supposed to get said piece of mail this week. I am not sure if it’s a cashier’s check or a nasty letter sent certified mail. FRaDW.

Anyway, (b) he also, Ned did, wanted to tell me that he had a dream that he was with a young, hot girl and she had the smokin’ hoots, I hope not literally, and he was out somewhere with her and saw me and he missed me so much and was sad.

“How did I do, in the dream, with seeing you with a young hot woman?” I asked.

“Oh, you were fine. You seemed fine,” he said.

Yeah, that’s a dream.

“So, in your mind, I’m the antithesis of a young hot thing,” I pointed out, because I can never see the good in anything. Hello, petty. “When you were with me, did you feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, where you start out kissing a hot woman in a bathtub and then you look up and she’s an old, scary crone?”

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That crone is thinner than me.

“No,” Ned said thoughtfully, “but she did spend a lot of that scene laughing at herself for what seemed like no reason. That’s kind of like you,” Ned said. “Do you think they cut out a scene where she told Jack Nicholson a pun or something?”

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After dinner, Ned came back to my house for a drink and to see Iris and NOTHING HAPPENED so calm down. But I did note that SD and Edsel seem to sleep in the same positions a lot. Steely Dan thinks Edsel is da bomb, probably because it’s the only animal in the house his size, and he’s forever rubbing his face on Edsel, and trying to get Edsel to play, and imitating Edsel in his sleep and so on.

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Dying. Blu is never far from Eds. Shoes are never put away.

I had to scrape a rocking chair across the room the other day, put it in front of my closet door, because SD keeps getting in there and eating my clothes. I’ve had to throw away more things. The point is. I went in my room yesterday and the rocking chair was moved.

IT WAS MOVED.

How did he get the strength to move it? Is he an ant? God.

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Oh, and I forgot to tell you that outside the restaurant last night was a little cart with local fruit and vegetables you could buy, and I got some strawberries, which are early this year, and thus begins our season of June Eats Nothing But Strawberries.

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There was a very cute chef type with an accent there, serving the stuff. They also had a jar there for an honor system, but of course I’d taken that jar of money at the beginning of the evening. Hello, petty thief.

Anyway, I shouldn’t hang around Ned. It made him angry that I’ve been going out on dates–apparently I should be sitting with a no-wedding cake like an even more pathetic Miss Havisham or something. And you know I wanted to marry Ned, but even if he became a new person somehow and was dying to comm–see. He’s never going to become a new person who’s dying to commit.

You know what I am? I’m the grouper from that one restaurant, the grouper he loved so much and has never gotten over. But as much as he loved that grouper, I’ve never seen him get it again. He enjoys it as a memory. It’s easier than, say, proposing to the grouper and putting a lovely let’s say ruby ring on its fin and eating nothing but grouper till the end of time.

That was a really good analogy, June. Why aren’t you a rich writer? Hey, petty cash.

Okay, I gotta go. f9857-6a00e54f9367fb88340115714a2f13970c-pi

Here’s a blurry picture of yore, with my two blonde-wood pets from the olden days. Which was already implied when I said “yore.” The point is, they were so in love, those two. And whatever happened to that pillow? I loved that pillow.

Okay, Jan Juan Joon Jen out. I love how one of you was all, da fuk? Who’s Jan?

100 thoughts on “That Crone is Thinner Than Me

  1. The best season, only eating strawberries, unless it’s only eating watermelons. Great! Tornado warnings already issued for GA! I love getting the post/comment notifications.

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  2. I just noticed that the tag for Ned posted is “Ned/friend.” And I remember how that came to be, but now it seems kind of sadly prophetic.
    At least you know you’re the grouper. You’ll always be the grouper.
    Nice place you’ve got here, by the way.

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  3. Is SD really that big or was it the angle. He looks like a panther next to Eds!
    Ned- he’s a good friend, but a super sucky boyfriend.

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  4. Those berries look delicious. I love the tiny little strawberries. They actually taste like strawberry. Those big California berries have no flavor. They look good, but they aren’t interesting. Like that skinny chick in the picture.

    Love you June! YOU are so pretty! And not one bit petty!

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    1. I mean, this post has been up for like 30 minutes and already has I think 6 comments. That’s pretty par for the course. Yesterday I see there were 86 comments. I think that’s pretty par for the course as well. My old site I had to look at my real blog to see the comments and I rarely did. This place tells me from inside, next to each post. It’s so convenient. I hope I don’t get comment-obsessed.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I was going to comment that the second picture of Ned was him talking about that goddamn grouper, but then you brought it up later in your post anyway, SO NEVER MIND.

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  6. I was going to comment that the second picture of Ned was him talking about that goddamn grouper, but then you brought it up later in your post anyway, SO NEVER MIND.

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  7. Well at least I finally figured out how to comment (I could neither comment nor reply last night, wtf) but now look what WordPress did to my name. It looks like blahblahblurp. WordPress is a BITCH.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I sincerely hope your strawberries are better than the last ones I bought. You know, those big, tasteless California strawberries. Actually, they did have flavor, even if it was a sour flavor.

    And I’m kind of obsessed with wondering if the scarf/shawl on the person behind Ned is an authentic Burberry.

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    1. Jeanie, it sure looks like one. Have you priced those suckers? Who spends $500 on a scarf? Well, many do. Just not this impecunious person!

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  9. There will never be another grouper like you. The dogs with cats pictures are sweet. Speaking of which, it could be raining dogs and cats here today. Right now, it’s only raining puppies and kittens, but the day is young.

    Stay safe, my fellow bookies. Is that what we are now that we aren’t Pie peeps?

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    1. We just spent 20 minutes in our basement. Both our cell phones went off with a warning to take cover now. Then we had the TV weather listing all the places that needed to take cover immediately. I hate this weather
      Great. Tornado watch just extended to 8;00 pm for the entire metro area

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      1. I have been thinking, with all my dollars, of changing out the stupid closet and hall doors anyway. Cause they’re stupid. They’re slatted, and you pull them shut with these dumb silver tassel things. I want something (hang on!!) vintage and cottage-y.

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  10. I love that you said it would be a ruby not a diamond. We July girls love some ruby although I wish I could afford it! This comment is making me put my name in again. Why so difficult WirdPress? WirdPress Har Har

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    1. It’s not at all sad that I have the gem, the cut of the stone, the color of the metal and the proposal site all set up in my mind. And that Ned has NEVER ONCE thought of any of that.

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      1. Jewelry chat. Now that I like. I just bought a fun bracelet for my birthday (which you liked on my FB), and it got me in the mood for other pretty stuff. Feel free to describe your ruby ring, and I’ll drool for a bit. I’d probably do a sapphire myself.

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      2. My ex-husband proposed ringlessly (I think I just made up a word) in the backseat of his car while neither of us was wearing pants, sooooo…. Boys don’t think like that.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. ” she had the smokin’ hoots, I hope not literally” … coffee out the nose. Thank you June for the laughs and the lovely post. I so want Ned to get some act right and be the right guy. I know he’s non committal but he sure “seems” like THE right guy. Have a beautiful day, June.

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  12. Oh my local strawberries are so sweet right now! And small and wonderful. But eating a pile of them won’t make me that way. Thank you for Ned pictures and a pic of pets, fmr. Henry never took a bad picture, much like SDS who seems to have grown into a jumble sized cat.

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  13. I read a short story the other day that made me think of Ned and June. It was all tumultuous and on again, off again angst and passion until it wasn’t. The end of the story the woman who would be June found a wonderful man right under her nose and the man who would be Ned was alone without. I was all, yep that’s what’s gonna happen to Ned and he deserves it.
    SD is a giant. He in enormous or as my grandfather used to say geenormal.

    I bought a flat of strawberries last Thursday and froze them then went back and bought another and ate them all.

    All y’all in the path of bad weather stay safe.

    Liked by 4 people

  14. I love seeing the old pictures!
    That crone lady is super scary.
    I signed up to follow this delightful tome and YAY, it worked and this morning there was an email about this post. LIfe is good!

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  15. One day that fisherman will get tired of throwing his line out everywhere and want what you want. He is trying not to seem his age. Sorry , bub, we either get older or we die No choice. So, while living and getting older you might as well be satisfied with the best you will ever have…..June.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Okay, I’m in the midwest. Know where our strawberries are? In the grocery store courtesy of the west coast or the south apparently. Know that movie The Piano with Holly Hunter? Where she’s like in hell or New Zealand or somewhere and it rains all the time and there is no sun. That’s what it’s been like here in Iowa for the last week or so. I feel like getting on a dinghy with a piano in the ocean, or whatever body of water hell or New Zealand is surrounded with, and escaping to a sunnier place like Holly, her kid and Harvey Keitel did. I wonder if they landed in Phoenix.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m in Nebraska and we’ve only had one good rain but it’s been cloudy for almost the last month. If the sun doesn’t shine soon, my boos and I decided we’ll probably just go drown ourselves in whatever puddles we can find.

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      1. Agreed! I live in SW Florida and have been enjoying Plant City strawberries since February. Sadly, the season is winding down.

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  17. There comes a time in a woman’s life when she has to choose between her ass and her face. As we age, we just don’t look good as thin as we once were. Not saying it’s easy, but if you take an honest look around, older women (I’m YOUR AGE) need a little fat in the face. What age that is depends on the person, of course, but the adage stands.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, Mel. What is thin for a younger woman is frail for an older woman. A young woman can have fine features but an older woman looks gaunt. So, yes, I will have some of that fudge brownie ice cream for dessert. Who knows, I might die in a tornado tonight and then wouldn’t I be sorry?

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  18. Off topic but do you ever write something to someone and read it, even a day later and think I am such an ass. I do. I don’t know how do it to have entire decades. But then again you love self and make self giggle. Never mind.

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  19. I love the grouper analogy. It’s right up there with a perfect line in a Woody Allen classic romantic comedy. Ned also reminds me of our five-month old puppy. He loves all his toys as much as Edsel loves blue and he tries mightily to have them all at once but can’t let go of one to get the other so he’ll bat and gather with his paws for what seems like an eternity.

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  20. I felt like an absolute cow at a dance class I attended. Doesn’t matter that I have done a crap load of running or all kinds of other stuff. I was surrounded by super skinny tiny women and I felt like a beach ball with legs.

    Love love love the animal pictures. Henry’s paw on the pillow kills me.

    Lovely post, June!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Salad just doesn’t work for a main course, unless you eat half a loaf of bread with it. I would’ve ordered the chicken, too. And I would’ve married that damn pretty/petty grouper.

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  22. For some reason when I read this post earlier I couldn’t see the photos, I can see them now. SAD looks almost the same size as Edz. That cat is huge.

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  23. It is “play” golf. And he probably played 36 “holes.” Which is two rounds of 18 holes. A full course is 18 holes. So, he played the entire course twice each day. That’s a lot of golf.

    Ned makes me sigh, deeply.

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  24. The grouper analogy was brilliant. My impossibly hairy cat wants to get inside the closet – the only place he’s not allowed – in the worst way. I put bricks in front of it and he moved those so I bought an 8# kettle ball to use. It’s ugly but it works, not that the 16# beast hasn’t tried to move it but he’s been unsuccessful so far. I’m sure I just jinxed myself!

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  25. I am older than June and since I’ve lost weight my stomach looks like I’ve had a baby even though I haven’t. I have been using every anti-aging thing imaginable on my face. Prescription retinol. homemade peels (by the way the aspirin one works great) I have been also applying peels to my stomach and other areas. I want to be skinny !

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  26. Okay, technical question here…I’ve noticed that itsmistybitch is the only one liking comments, and she said she had to set up a WordPress account to comment. I can comment without an account, but when I try to Like something, it wants me to sign into a WordPress account, so I’m thinking I have to create an account to take advantage of the Like feature. I’ll try that, but am not happy about having to remember another password.

    I love Ned’s angry hiccups picture. And I love that Lily marked him all up with her scent so Ned goes home to a jealous kitty. How is Nedkitty doing, btw? Am also very interested in the contents of the certified letter. I hope it’s a check.

    Lovely post, pretty June.

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    1. I started to sign in with WordPress but they told me PJ had already been used as a user name, as had PJPJ, as had pajamas, as had Peej so I played Candy Crush instead. Really? PJPJ? Peej? pajamas? So I showed them, I quit.

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  27. PSA: I have a foolproof method of getting rid of hiccups. Take a mouth full of water, bend over from your waist like you are going to touch your toes, but not that far. Put your fingers to your earlobes, pressing the earlobes to your head while you slowly swallow the water bit by bit. Hiccups will be gone in a second.

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  28. I’m commenting from my computer just to see if I get an “awaiting moderation” that some people were whining about. I didn’t have that issue on my ipad.

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  29. I know….I am not done grading!

    I like that you and Ned are friends. I am sure he is NOT happy about the dating, but you haven’t been happy with his lack of commitment so tit for tat. Your grouper analogy is genius!

    I am glad all the pets got a visit. I am sure Lily was over the moon. I hope Iris is doing well…

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Love,
    Megsie

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  30. Again…thanks June for directing me here. It’s all so new and exciting and bitchy and also I’m checking to see if I can comment.

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  31. Yeah, so it says my comment is awaiting moderation. Wtf? I guess I’m now kvetching along with the masses. How come Lisa gets a cool walnut or loaf of bread or whatever and the rest of us get baby diaper splats?

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  32. These comments on the avatar colors are killing me. Why are some people nuts or turkeys and other people are shades of calf diarrhea?
    the grouper analogy is freaking brilliant, but when I look at you I see plenty skinny, June. Seriously, my chubby ass knows thin when it envies it.

    Like

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