I hate it when I forget a title

A few days ago, Iris started showing signs that she wanted to go back outside. I really wanted her to rally, and be spirited old Iris, but between you and me I wanted her to be spirited homebody Iris.

Yeah, not so much.

So the first day, I went on the deck with her. She sniffed the air, her fur blowing in the spring breeze. “Eye-riss absolootly well!” she said, and pranced around the back yard while I stared at her like I was Yoko and she was a one-eyed John Lennon.

The point of my story is, all three cats were outside yesterday morning, and when I came home for lunch, Lily and Iris squished under the gate to get from the back yard to the driveway, so they could run down it to greet me and we could all go in for lunch.

They always do this, and it leads me to want to build a larger, more imposing gate back there as opposed to that effete little picket fence I have currently.

The woman who owned this house before me had some kind of teensy white shaggy ineffective excuse for a dog. The Stevia of dogs. A small gate would be enough for that dog lite.

Anyway, I was forming that thought when I saw a panther soar toward me. Steely Dan wasn’t having any of shimmying under a fence. No. He

soared

over the top of the whole thing, clearing it by several feet.

I’m gonna need a bigger fence.

IMG_6510
wut.

It occurs to me the sweet gay boys who found Steely Dan do not know my new phone number, but I have old texts from them and should really alert them to SD’s ridiculous demeanor.

IMG_6514
fuk offz

Look at that. Roger used to do the same thing. Now I feel obligated to take the magazines out of there so he can be more comfy.

Anyway, other than that, IMG_6442.jpg

I don’t have too much to tell you. I have two dates Saturday: one at 1:00 and one at 6:00. Go, June. Go, studly June. Aren’t you sick and tired of me dating the world? Does it not seem like I’m dating the world? Is it only that way when you’re me?

I also have a going-away party Friday for my coworker Slutty Pancakes, as she is moving to California. Plus also I’ve agreed to do more freelance work, Your tips, Ned’s loan and my freelance work so far paid for Iris’s injury–and no, I did not get the certified letter yet, GOD. I’ll TELL you when it gets here. I still don’t hold out much hope.

Anyway, I have to pay Ned back and also I still have to pay off my credit cards, which was technically the point of doing all that extra work, so freelance I will. Murder, I wrote.

28fca-6a00e54f9367fb883401bb0842cb4a970d-pi
My house, fmr.

I’m just so tickled to have every damn picture from, you know, ever right at my disposal. Which is weird, cause I don’t even have a disposal. You know what else I don’t have right now? A dishwasher. It washes the bottom dishes, but not the top. My tenant, fmr., came over last night to do our godforsaken workout, and I had to tell her why dishes were in the sink like I’m a heroin addict or something. If you guys would just stop tipping me in heroin.

717b4-6a00e54f9367fb883401b7c7d1fb2f970b-pi

Ohhhh. Lu. This is when we were moving out of my house, fmr., and we sat down and talked about our feelings. She always splayed her back legs. With all apologies to Edsel, will I ever meet a dog I love as much as Lu? Will I ever meet a man I loved as much as Ned? What if everything stays exactly this way forever, where I’m struggling to pay the bills and there’s no men in sight and I just get hideous-er?

I’d better go. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about our sex bucket list. Every once in awhile I think of a good blog topic, and write it on a piece of paper that floats in my purse for 11 centuries. A piece of paper reading “sex bucket list” has been riding in there forever. You know what’s not on my sex bucket list? Anal.

On that note, I’ll catch you later.

Your pal and mine,

Joan

52 thoughts on “I hate it when I forget a title

  1. Regarding anal, I say don’t knock it till you try it. Unless you have tried it and it wasn’t your thing and in that case, by all means, knock it.

    Regarding whether or not things will always be this way… I can promise you everything will be ok. It will be. I can’t promise you how but all things have a way of working themselves out and eventually, everything is ok. All things are temporary if you give them enough time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My daughter washes dishes the same way. Only the tops. And when she cleans the kitchen, she completely ignores the counters. Makes me insane. (Not insane enough to turn her down when she offers to clean the kitchen, however.) AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? She leave the sprayer hose in the sink just hanging there. Doesn’t park it back up next to the faucets. THAT really makes me nuts.

    Daughter: “Mom, I’ll clean the kitchen tonight.”
    Me, aloud: “Great, honey, thanks!”
    Me, silently: “Bottoms. Counters. Freaking sprayer hose. You half-ass.”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I get this. That’s why my husband cooks and I clean the kitchen. I was cooking and he was cleaning up. He didn’t clean the stove, the counters, or the floor and I had to rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher so a FULL load would be washed. Our arrangement works well.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes! My husband cooks and I clean up but sometimes someone will volunteer. I always accept, but then I always have to go back and FIX everything. Don’t even get me started on how SOME PEOPLE just put things back in the refrigerator ANYWHERE IT FITS, with no regard to my organization and labeled bins. Savages.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “Eye-riss absolootly well!” made me happy.
    I look at this post and comments and think it is a modern day meeting with friends for coffee. It is nice way to start the day
    I hope Saturday is a really fun day for you.

    Like

    1. So is this like the TSA now? You might or might not get pulled out and “moderated”? I’ve been waltzing through pre-check looking back at the peons who didn’t get pre-check and all of a sudden I’m getting wanded? Wha? Wha’d I do?

      So is this going to have to wait for “moderation” now? Am I going to be stuck in this line with Paula H&B? Not there’s anything wrong with that.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. sex bucket list. ha!

    two dates? you go girl…in which i just typed gorl..

    i just get jerks who want to take my money. or ones who tell me they are ‘into’ big ladies. or the guy who told me i wasn’t doing enough to loose weight. WTF.

    i love SD.

    Like

  5. So not into the back door approach. Certain things are meant for exit only, and that’s one of them. The total obsession with it is such a mystery to me.

    I think you will always love Lu best. I don’t know why that happens, but somehow I think we all get one best dog. I’ve loved all my other dogs, but not like the little one-eyed wonder I have now. I think part of it is knowing her history was horrible and yet she is sweet and so joyful in her life now. The minute I laid eyes on her sad little self, I knew she was mine. And same with you and Lu – you rescued her from a life as a trailer park dog. She was just waiting for you that day.

    SD is quite the beast. And handsome, too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My best dog ever was one of the Stevia variety. There will never be another, in my life, with such a profound sense of presence, love and loyalty.

      Also, with you on the exit idea.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Way back in the olden days, when I was a tiny teen, I had two dates on a Saturday. My dad was furious that I would date two guys on the same day and acted like I was the whore of the century. My mom saved the day when she told him I was just double-dating.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s so funny, Jeanie! How did it go that day on your double date?

      I can hear June’s mom explaining to your mom what double dating actually is.

      Like

  7. I’d love to see SD leap. And the Stevia of dogs made me laugh so hard. I love the pic of you in front of the house, fmr. I think it’s your expression, but you also look really pretty.

    Like

  8. I will never love another dog as much as I love Maggie. Ever. She’s my once in a lifetime dog. I will never love another man as much as I love my husband. He’s my once in a lifetime love. I’m just so torn…I’d love for Ned to figure his shit out and for you to figure your shit out and for the two of you to be happy together. If that’s not gonna happen then I hope for a really great love to sweep you off your feet. I want you to be happy.

    Like

  9. Has Ned had to move out of house, fmr yet? I seem to remember that the owner wanted to sell instead of rent. Or I could be hallucinating in my old age. SDS is such a cutie. Enjoy him while he is in the soaring phase since soon enough he will sleep all day long and be lazy like other cats. Every once in a while Augie has a moment of kittenhood but mostly he is a sleepy, lazy kitty.

    Like

  10. I’m so excited for tomorrow, I can’t wait for June’s blog and the comments.
    Good luck on your dates and Lizardek, hilarious comment.

    Like

  11. I wonder if SD is part Siamese. Albert leaps and soars and loves to be up high. Of course, another explanation is that SD and Albert are just assholes.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I understand about the dog who is the great love of your life. I had my shih tzu, Sammy, before I had my kids and loved that dog so much. And I thought he was the dog I would love more than any others until I got my bad, evil, sneaky, really bad Siberian Husky, Nikita Babushka. I had her for 17 years and she has been gone for 3 years now and I miss her every single day. Some days it takes my breath away. She might have been the true love of my life. Sorry, not really sorry, to my husband and kids, but it’s true. I have a cat who runs a close second. He is 16 now and I catch myself watching him when he sleeps to be sure he is still breathing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have that dog right now, LisaPie. I’ve head other dogs, amazing dogs, dogs I miss, but not like Lilly. Lilly, who stayed up with me all night every night will I cried in her fur when my dad died. Lilly, who slept by the back door and not with my husband the whole 9 days I was on a cruise with my mom. Lilly, who loves everyone but no matter who is petting her, she is looking at me. And I cry as I write this because she’s 12 and she’s really sick right now, first time ever, with seizures and fever (liver ultrasound Monday, blood tests aren’t good) and right now I can’t see me surviving it, which sounds stupid when you are a wife and a mom, but there it is,.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh hugs to you . I am crying for you right now just reading how heart breaking it could be. Best to you both. Doggie love is just on another level than people love.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will hope and pray for the best. I have a ten-year-old shih tzu on liver enzymes and human gallbladder meds right now. Believe me, I know how you feel.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m so sorry that Lilly is not well. It just rips your heart out when a pet is sick! Hopefully, her illness is something that the vet can treat.

        Like

  13. Edgar Allan Poe is the dog love of my life. My children suspect that I may love him more than I love them. I don’t think he had a very nice life before I encountered him walking down my street, if the BB imbedded in his side is any indication. He is epileptic and I found out this week that he is going blind. I’m so glad we found each other, so I can take care of him. His nickname is “PD”, which stands for precious darling…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Nope, not an “up the butt girl.” Wasn’t that an episode of SATC? No going to Brown Town or doing the Poop Chute, which I almost typed as “Poop Shoot.” It’s an exit and not an entrance, thankyouverymuch.

    My old Lab, Lucy, was my Soul Mate. She was my constant companion and it’s been 7 years since she’s been gone and I still miss her every day. It actually took her a few days to “move on.” We kept hearing her walking around and coming through her dog door and we’d catch glimpses of her. Part of me was happy she still wanted to be with me but it was also creepy as eff to hear the click of her claws coming down the hallway in the middle of the night or hearing her lay down in her spot in the dining room.

    Apparently, WordPress no longer recognized my (fmr) account so I had to create a new WordPress account to be able to Like comments and who knows if it’ll work.

    Like

    1. Awww, Another Kelly, that story about Lucy made me a little weepy. After my last Maine Coon (Macy, who I adored) died suddenly, I would swear that I’d hear her chirp in the middle of the night for awhile. I wrote it off as dreaming, but after reading your story, I kind of hope that it was her before she moved on..

      Like

  15. June, my cat’s name is Cornelius. He just tried to jump on my old girl cat just now just to be mean. I jumped up from my chair and yelled STEELY DAN!!!! Husband looked at me weird. I looked at husband weird back, like what???I always call him Steely Dan. I really should only read your blog in solitude.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why is it that whether you have 2 cats or 15, one of them is always a Steely Dan? I have a Steely Dan doppelganger, only female, and surprise surprise, she’s the asshole.

      Like

  16. I have the Stevia of dogs and he is my one true dog love. I have had many dogs and I think he is the reincarnation of all those dogs. He is the mixed nuts of dogs. Sex bucket list? I was involved with a sex addict to yeah… I have filled my sex bucket list. Anal? NOPE. There ingresses and egresses, that is an egress.

    Steely Dan amazes me. I think he is the Cirque du Soleil Chat.

    I would wrap Iris in bubble wrap and chain metal before she would be allowed to go outside. Helicopter mom? Who me?

    Like

  17. I’ve been meaning to comment on this since “the change” (as if you Caitlyn Jenner’d your blog)—but I love how the Comments section is now Thoughts on “Blog Post of the Day.” It makes it sound as if we are having a thoroughly intellectual discussion on important, worldly matters when it’s really all about soul mate pets and anal. Ha! I love this blog and all of your thoughts on it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hey, Jean, far be it from me to offer assvice, because I know you love it so much, but did you happen to stick your head into your dishwasher (not while its running) and look to see if the hose (not hos) that runs under the top shelf is detached from the water source at the back of the dishwasher? Only offering this unwanted note because my dishwasher was doing the exact same thing, and that’s what the problem was. Reattached the hose to the back, and everything was peachy keen. It’s easier than you think to knock that hose off the back by sticking something large in the lower drawer (similar to anal). Happens pretty often to us, because the kids in my house like to stuff anything smaller than a car into the dishwasher (if they don’t just leave it in the sink).

    OK, I’m done and ducking the flying liver.

    So happy to hear that Iris was happy outside, with the wind ruffling her furses.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I am too old to even consider two dates in one day. I went out last night on one date for 2 hours and almost had to be carried out in a stretcher. I’m impressed that you can be charming, witty and sexy for so many hours.

    Sex positions – someone mentioned reverse cowgirl to me the other day and I had to look it up. This is a great position, but if you’re over 55, should probably only be accomplished in a dark room.

    Like

  20. “… some kind of teensy white shaggy ineffective excuse for a dog. The Stevia of dogs. A small gate would be enough for that dog lite.” FLOMP! This made me laugh so hard!

    TWO dates this Saturday, way to go.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s