It’s like I saw only 7 movies and they influenced my whole life

At the top of my new fancy blogging template is a button I click when I want to compose a new post. That button reads, “Write.” It has an icon of a huge pencil looming over a very square piece of paper.Screen Shot 2017-04-07 at 7.48.59 AM

Whenever I click on it, I think of Celie in The Color Purple screaming, “WRIIIIITE!!!” and Nettie screeching, “Nothing but DEATH could keep me from it!”

Which is how I feel about kissing kittens on the noggin.

Anyway, before I get scattered and forget, we said we were going to discuss your sex bucket list today, and go ahead. Go ‘head, girl. As for me, I have no desire for a three-way, and hello, mom. How’s everything? Good, good. It still cold there? Uh-huh. Ohhh! Um-hmm. Okay.

Anyway, too jealous. Cannot do. Ned and I were pretty, you know, let’s just say we had a lot of good times. But that I could not do. Had I seen another woman stroke Ned’s hand they both would have pulled back a nub. This was a cause of great consternation for poor Ned.

So, hey, mom, what’re your Easter plans?

By the way, I just had to call Ned to ask if it was okay that I said the above stuff. I had more, revealing-er stuff to say up there and he put the kibosh on it. But I got to leave in the “Would’ve been thrilled to have had a three-way” in, and as we were signing off, I said, “Maybe we should conference a third person into this call.”

Having a blog about your life. It’s hilarious. And not at all weird.

But here’s my thing. I have only ever slept with white men. That’s it. Almost all of them college-educated. White, college-educated men. Live a little, sister. So that’s on my list. Give me another sex, race or socioeconomic group just once, please.

You can sign in anonymously today, if you want.

And hey, did you see Dooce changed her blog too? Goddammit. She has to do everything I do. She is so jealous of my tens of readers. Let’s just look at it like she’s Starbucks and I’m the cute local coffee shop that offers so much of the special. It’s sort of underground.

This is a fabulous way to look at a failed blog.

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I took my 3:00 walk with m’two coworkers yesterday, and you all know Austin already, and also there is Bob, who I used to sit next to and in the big move they tore us apart. Someone pointed out the other day that my blog is read by women, gay men, and Austin. Kills me.

I have a strict rule at work, and I don’t know how I get to make up the rules but I do, that you KNOW we walk at 3:00, so if you say AT 3:00 that you have to pee first that’s too bad. We’re not fucking waiting for you. Then finally it happened to me the other day and I had to run to catch up, because of course no one was gonna make an exception for me since I’d been a huge bitch about it before.

I have to go. I’ve not showered yet and I’m gonna be late. Let me put in one more old picture because I’m still not over them all being available on this new format.

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HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love that comic.

Drunkenly,

Joob

93 thoughts on “It’s like I saw only 7 movies and they influenced my whole life

  1. Did you ever get the letter from the owners of the cat eating dogs? I have been obsessed with that for days. And yes, I need a life!

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  2. It’s kind of weird, sitting here trying to figure out what kind of sex act I *must* do before I die. There are lots of things I want to do and none of them are tame. Hmm.

    Partner swapping, I think. Not an orgy per se, but me and my guy and another couple going at it separately but in the same room, then halfway through, switching partners. That sounds like fun. The whole thing.

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  3. Oh boy, these are the kind of days when I just sit back and watch the crazy. Exciting!

    So, which 7 movies?
    When Harry Met Sally and Gone with the Wind – OBVS!

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  4. I’d like to have sex at least once more, before I forget how to do it.
    Or die.
    Let’s just say it’s been a few years.

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  5. Done the threesome thing but wouldn’t mind doing it again, with either another man or another woman. Would also consider group sex with multiple people… I guess that would be considered an orgy? Would do the swapping thing that Evelyn mentioned too.

    I totally have a crush on one of my female friends, it’s a mutual crush, but her boyfriend is my husband’s best friend and he’s afraid it will affect the friendship. I’ve done a lot of stuff for my brief 30 years.

    Never did DP, that’s on my list. And now you’re all judging me.

    If you don’t know what DP is please don’t make me explain it. Just Google it for Christ’s sake. Oh fine, here: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dp&amp=true

    And no, it does not stand for Donkey Punch.

    I’m going to have to watch the comments today.

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  6. ummmmm, It’s a beautiful Carolina Blue day with scooty white clouds. On Easter we will join daughter/sil and a few friends for a yummy potluck. And that is ALL, thank you very much.

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      1. Now that I think about it, my mom always had ham for Easter and stuffed eggs (deviled eggs), green beans, potato salad and an up-side-down pineapple cake made in the black iron skillet. That might be an excellent menu option for us this year.

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      2. Lamb. We do lamb. When I was a kid it was leg of lamb but now because it’s just me and my Kahuna we do lamb chops. Not the cute little hand puppets from back in the day but nice juicy lamb chops. I serve it with mashed potatoes, green beans, black eyed pea salad and a spinach salad with candied walnuts and strawberries. Desert is either pound cake or rum cake because nothing says He Has Risen like a cake soaked in alcohol and sugar.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My Easter dinner is paella. Much better than standing in the kitchen forever with the oven on baking a ham, scalloped potatoes and etc ad nauseum. Paella, it’s what’s for dinner.

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  7. I have never had an orgasm via oral sex. That is on my list. On a private sailboat just me and some hunk of man out at sea – naked as blue jays having sex on the deck.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. @Laura Lee (L Tap), FUCK THAT! Do NOT let that insecure bitch baby of an ex-husband of yours invade in any way your delicious sex life. I hope you have many orgasms via oral that it may cause slight brain scrambling. If you have to, force yourself to indulge, persist until you let go of those insecure words of that pitiful that worm fucker. #ShePersisted!!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, I can’t believe there are women out there that have never had an orgasm from oral sex. I don’t think I have ever had sex without having one first, and I’m almost 50, so that’s a lot of sex.

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  8. I would like to have a threesome, but only with people I am not emotionally attached to. I’d like to try both, two men and me, and another woman, another man and me.
    Also I’d like to have sex with a woman to see what that’s like.

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  9. I’ve kinda already done everything on m’list. I’m in an open marriage and have a few side pieces.

    Orgy quality is greatly dependent on overall quality of group. Otherwise you’re just doing one person with others in the room.
    Threesomes are great as long as everyone makes sure everyone gets enough attention.
    Men of color do not always fit the, er, stereotype.
    Girth is key.

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    1. I don’t know if I could do the open marriage thing. Doing things with my husband present, or him doing things with me present is one thing, but the idea of him with another woman behind closed doors? No thank you. I’m sure he would feel the same about me with another man, or woman. The woman he might not mind as much as long as there were pictures/video.

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  10. I note you were against a threesome with Ned (pffft) because you didn’t want to see another woman caressing his hand. (I wouldn’t worry about caressing his hand so much as parts south.) But what about a threesome with you and two men?

    Liked by 2 people

  11. A beautiful blue sky day in Alabama too. Rain is over for a few days. Going to see Phantom of the Opera this weekend and then I’m off all next week for our 35th wedding anniversary!!!

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  12. I hope Clerks made the list of 7 movies. I imagine Randal could put together a very fine sex bucket list and that Dante is on that list. I’d like to read Jay’s raunchy illegal bucket list too and to hear Silent Bob mention the only thing on his list and it would be very sweet, appropriate and thoughtful.

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  13. I knew these comments wouldn’t disappoint today. I’m going to hit the button to alert me when new ones arrive.
    I don’t have a sex bucket list that I actually want to do, I think the fantasy is better, other than that I’ve already done it and enjoyed it.

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  14. Remember when June linked to the Lelo Ina 2 on the Adam and Eve website? Wow, that was like a rabbit hole. Lots of stuff there including veeeedeos that seem to be on people’s average, everyday, Friday fun night list, not just a bucket list. And that is how I knew what L Tap’s DP meant. June’s blog, come for the funny, stay for the sex education.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Oh man. I really wish these comments weren’t anonymous. I’d have so many questions to follow up with privately. I’m just gonna live dangerously and not be anonymous. I know there are crazy parties with various differently themed ‘shows’ and I’d love to go to one and watch but I never will because I’d have to actually leave my house/dogs. Despite the fact that I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years and he’d be up for it, I’m too shy to have non-vanilla sex. I’d love to try some BDSM lite stuff. Nothing involving degradation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shit! Forgot to check the notification box. I always forget to check back in for new comments.

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  16. I was in a 14 year relationship with a sex addict. He wanted things I could not physically and/or morally do. One of the things he wanted me to have sex with another man while he watched. I could not do it. No judgement, just couldn’t. I have to have a romantic involvement before I can have sex with someone. I am not a one night stand type person. I remember years ago a friend asked me the kinkiest thing me and my then husband had ever done in the bedroom. My answer was we had done it on the floor. Yeah I’m adventurous, that’s what I am,
    My sex bucket list is a very small post it.

    Movies. Oh so many movies have influenced my life. Giant. Giant influenced me when I was a kid growing up in a very racist Texas.

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  17. I was in a 14 year relationship with a sex addict. He wanted things I could not physically and/or morally do. One of the things he wanted me to have sex with another man while he watched. I could not do it. No judgement, just couldn’t. I have to have a romantic involvement before I can have sex with someone. I am not a one night stand type person. I remember years ago a friend asked me the kinkiest thing me and my then husband had ever done in the bedroom. My answer was we had done it on the floor. Yeah I’m adventurous, that’s what I am,
    My sex bucket list is a very small post it.

    Movies. Oh so many movies have influenced my life. Giant. Giant influenced me when I was a kid growing up in a very racist Texas.

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  18. No bucket list here – no way to 3 way of either sex no way with opposite sex. I would like to delete a lot of the sex experiences, but that is another topic.
    p.s. a guy told me wasn’t a good idea to use a vibrator that it decreases sensitivity of your lady bits.

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    1. That’s just something some guy told you because men don’t like the idea that an inanimate object can get you off faster and harder than he ever could. Check with any gynecologist on that one. I’ve also used plenty and never had any trouble with sensitivity. If anything it helps you learn your own body better.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I have nothing on my bucket list, although I’m sure my husband does. It’s a blustery day in the Pacific Northwest today, winds up to 50 mph in the valley is unusual for us.

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  20. Just this morning though someone told me and sent me utube about Tantric sex…I will take a look later when not on work computer and may update my list.

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  21. Uh, sex in general at this point would be nice. Me and my husband are 10 years apart and he’s no longer as into it as I am. I don’t think I have an actual bucket list. I’ve pretty much done everything I’ve wanted. Threesome with 2 guys was fun. My man of color to white guy ratio is slightly skewed. Someone comment the myth isn’t always true and I will also vouch for that, although the negative side is much smaller (hehe) than the positive side.

    Me and my best friend had a rule that as long as the number of guys you’ve been with is less than your age, you weren’t a whore. She was a lot better at following that rule then me.

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  22. My bucket list would probably start with (and end with) Lenny Kravitz.

    I am sure I could think of a few other things, like with a woman, if I could find a loophole in my moral compass that would allow it to not be cheating. Look at me going all non-anonymous!

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  23. So I’ve been building June’s 7 Movies list:
    When Harry Met Sally
    Gone with the Wind
    It’s a Wonderful Life
    The Color Purple
    Arthur (maybe?)
    Airplane (maybe?)

    Still need one more.

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  24. I just threw the number seven out there. I should have known you guys CAN’T BE CASUAL about anything. I’d say they’re:

    Annie Hall
    Arthur
    When Harry Met Sally
    Silence of the Lambs
    Say Anything
    Gone With the Wind
    The Color Purple
    The Princess Bride
    The Way We Were
    The Wizard of Oz

    Am I forgetting any? What other movies do I reference till you want to kill me dead?

    Liked by 2 people

  25. I’ve been with the same man for 32 years (since we were 16), married for almost 27 of those years. We have a great sex life, but he is the only one I’ve ever slept with. So, sometimes, I wonder what it would be like with someone else. However, it’s not something I would do so it’s not exactly a bucket list item unless he dies before me (lol!). My hubby has been very patient as I had a difficult time reaching orgasm until probably 12 years ago. He tried all kinds of things until BINGO!! We figured out I squirt when I orgasm …. thank God he likes it because it happens every single time we have sex now! I’ve never told anyone this before … it’s been or little secret!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just for the record, not me up there ^^ although anonymous, husband and I have been together since 15 and married 33 years. A lifetime. You don’t find too many couples who grew up together like that. People still look at us as an oddity but the older we get, the more we get a kick out of it.

      Jooooooon, I love The Way We Were!! So many excellent scenes in the movie but really the ending takes the cake there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Amish and Anon, I think it’s wonderful that you grew up with your husbands. A couple of my friends from high school are still happily married.

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  26. Ok. I’m in here now. Dang it. I read this and WOULD have been that first beyatches but there was no place for me to comment. Since I usually read June in the parking lot of work before I go in, I didn’t have time to figure it out.

    I don’t really have a sex bucket list. Reading/hearing about some of these adventures is fun but I think I’m too shy (really. I am shy. REALLY! I know none of you believe it) and body insecure to ever participate. I think my lady bits would not work; they’d freeze up. I was pretty adventurous when I was younger and unmarried so I feel like I didn’t miss out.

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  27. Here’s the thing…I’ve been a stripper, had threesomes (FFM and MMF), had “gang bangs”, been to swinger’s clubs, done paid live internet porn with my husband, done slightly less amateur paid internet porn without my husband (with his okay), been with black guys (I’m white), been with girls (withOUT my husband’s interaction), had anal, played with a variety of toys, probably done some stuff I don’t even remember….

    The point of all this being, I had a hard time coming up with anything I wanted to do but hadn’t.

    THEN my brain suddenly flashed to the pictures I saw earlier today of the Scotsmen in kilts.

    Yum.

    That’s my list. I wanna do a Scotsman, one with the perfect amount of muscles, nothing under his kilt, and that accent that makes me melt.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. No bucket list for me either. My ex was not into….well…..anything with me. Hopefully, he is more adventurous with the men he has relations with. I think I did just about everything I wanted to with my fiancee (after the ex), who was a handsome man of color, and very talented in that department. He was a big guy, and like someone said a week or so ago, would throw my 6′, 260+ lb self all OVER the place! I’m pretty sure he took my list and checked each entry off as we did it. No threesomes or group, or switching or anything like that. That’s just not me. I need to be with one person at a time, and that’s it.

    Also, I’m much more interested in deviled eggs right now than a sex bucket list!

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  29. My sex bucket list:
    Demi Moore
    Sandra Bullock
    Demi Moore
    Julia Roberts
    Halle Berry
    Did I mention Demi Moore?
    Nicole Kidman
    Demi Moore and Sandra Bullock
    June
    I’m sure if I drop a line to all those ladies, they will line up at my bedroom door to help me with my bucket list, however, my wife of the last 37 years, will keep the house door lock!
    Darn now I’m depress

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  30. I’ve had a threesome with 2 guys and it got way too competitive and aggressive. DP is fun though. Fun fact: my last marriage broke up because we tried to open it up (HIS IDEA) and he could not handle it. NO ONE KNOWS THIS (I might have told Fay-Fay, did I tell you??). I don’t think I would try it again. A lot of men think they want an open relationship, but what they really want is for THEIR side to be wide open, while yours is just barely cracked. However, they forget how much easier it is for women to get no-strings attached sex, and things quickly get…out of balance.

    ANYHOO. I would be up for a partner swap for sure. I’m with a guy who is 8 years younger than me right now and it’s the first time in my life I’ve been completely satisfied with my sex life. I still need to have sex with a black guy though.

    Kbyeeeee

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Texxie, I read your comment and got the giggles after reading your first sentence, because I had a mental image of you being bounced between two guys like Will Farrell and Chris Kattan in Night at the Roxbury. “What is love?….” Hee!

      P.S, from my experience with a sexy man of color (granted, that was only one man, and I totally adored him for many other reasons as well), you need to do that!

      Like

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