And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

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I am outside in my pajamas and a raincoat. You would not believe this day already.

Last night I went to the grocery store and got a whole bunch of ground turkey meat and a whole bunch of stuff to make blueberry flax muffins.  I spent more than an hour making the turkey into individual patties and putting it in the freezer in freezer bags, and then I made the blueberry flax muffins and also put those in the freezer.

I was doing laundry at the same time, and all of a sudden the washer started thumping around like the bed in The Exorcist. THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Does anyone remember that scene in one of the Little House books were Laura rocks the desk? It was like that.

Apparently the comforter I was washing was unbalancing the machine. By the time I got everything situated, the washer and dryer combo were clean across the room.

I took the comforter and all the other items out of the washer and put them in the dryer, only to check in there awhile later and find that the tube or whatever had disconnected from the wall, which meant all the drying was happening IN THE ROOM and it was the tropics in there. And not in a good way. Not in the piña colada way.

All of the clothes in the dryer were still completely wet, so I took them all out and started draping them wherever I could think of across my house, and I put the bedspread, that wet bedspread, on my shower curtain, only to have the entire shower curtain thing come crashing down. It’s a fancy connected-to-the-wall kind.

So now I have a washer and dryer clean across the room, the tube thingy disconnected from the wall and drying on the inside of my house, a broken shower curtain rod, and wet clothes everywhere.

I called Ned. Of course. “Can I come spend the night over there and take a shower in the morning?” I asked. “Of course you can,” he said. “I’m watching baseball.” Oh, good.

I know that sounds scandalous but it actually went without incident. This morning, I took a shower with his bony old cat. I hate to say it, but she really was pretty perky. She jumped on the sink and wanted me to turn the water on so she could stick her head under it, then she jumped on the bathtub and wanted me to point the shower at her so she could stick her head under that. That cat has always been weird.

Ned said he would help me fix the shower curtain rod this weekend, and I drove home pretty smug, thinking it was before seven and I was already showered and yay.

Then I came home here and smelled a gas leak. Honest to God. Fucking fuck. I believe that when the dryer disconnected from the wall, and somehow gas came out.

So I called the goddamn gas company, and while they were telling me not to turn anything on or off, I eyed the coffeemaker lusty and realized I had no power.

Honest to God. Fucking fuck.

I called Duke Energy, from the comfy confines of my front porch where I am regaled until the gas man gets here, and there is a power outage throughout my neighborhood. It rained really hard last night. Now I’m worried that all my flax muffins and all my turkey are going to be ruined. How long does frozen food stay good when the power’s out?

So, to review, I have wet clothes all over my house, I disconnected dryer, a washer that’s really mad at me, a gas leak, no power,  possibly ruined food that I spent forever preparing, and now Iris is out here eyeing up at cardinal.

Well. “Eyeing” up.

Sigh.

P.S. The gas man had to shut off my meter due to the power outage, AND they have to reconnect some line for $200. I spent my last $200 on groceries that are now ruined.

P.P.S. Since all my clothes are draped everywhere, I just caught Steely Dan chewing my sweater.

42 thoughts on “And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

  1. You need to go back to bed and start over. Holy Cats.

    Here is the good news. Everything gets better from here. Is it because the drier disconnected from the vent that it smells gassy? I hope the gas man gets there quick. And that is what I would want to be called: gas man. What a way to be known.

    I am glad you got to shower with NedKitty. She is weird, but aren’t all good characters?

    Sending love straight to you…

    Lovely writing, lovely June!

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  2. What a weird day! You’re going to be ok.
    Your frozen food should be just fine. If any of it still has ice crystals it’s totally fine! If it has thawed, and your power is restored, leave them in the freezer and cook them tonight, then freeze again. You can just reheat them when you are hungry rather than cook them from scratch. I’ve been through a lot of hurricanes and power outages. I know. When we cook up the contents of our freezers, we call them Meat Parties. Delicious theme party, no?

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  3. Sheesh. Good thing you stayed at Neds last night. If you slept through a gas leak you could have been gassed. So glad you woke up alive this morning.
    Hope the rest of the day is better, lovely June.

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  4. Man, your morning made ME want to go back to bed, just from exhaustion empathy! Food in the freezer and fridge should still be good for 4-5 hours (well, that’s what people say. I’m sure it’s longer than that.). As long as you don’t open the doors a bunch to either until you have power again, the fridge should be fine. I’m guessing that unless there’s something huge going on, you’ll have power before that.

    Awww, I was happy to hear that Nedkitty seemed a little perkier. I hate to hear of anybody’s pets declining.

    That’s funny, as soon as I read the line about Iris eyeing up a cardinal, in my head I’m all “but…..how?” Maybe smelling up? Or slightly eyeing up, maybe.

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  5. This is one of those times when it sucks to live alone. I wish I could come by with a hot cup of coffee for you and sit with you until the gas man rings twice.

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  6. That is just too much inanimate object drama. Every clothing containing room in your house needs a steel door and a good deadbolt, or does SD have his own acetylene torch for getting past those?

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  7. Oh my goodness. Not a good start to the day/last evening. Usually, the gas company is very prompt to answer a leak call and they should relight all your pilot lights for you. So glad Need is willing to help a girl during an emergency.

    Iris eyeing the bird. Flump

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  8. There are no words. Not one bit of this was funny and yet I laughed all the way through. Especially at SD chewing your wet, hanging everywhere clothes. Because of course he is. Imagine if you crossed Steely Dan with NedKitty… what a weird, spectacular litter THAT would be!

    Your day has to get better – there’s nothing else left to go wrong!

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  9. Good grief! Are you living in a haunted house? Our area also had a power outage last night due to a fallen tree taking down a power line. It was out for 9 hours so did not open the refrigerator or freezer during that time and am assuming all contents are fine. Of course, if you don’t hear from me after today…

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  10. My grannie Mo gave me this tip on freezer foods a long time ago. She said to put a coffee cup filled with water in the freezer. Once the water is frozen, place a quarter on top. If the quarter is ever at the bottom of the cup, you know the freezer has been off long enough for your food to defrost.

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  11. This made me incredibly stressed so I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. Hope this disaster of a day gets better.

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  12. Oh, June. That is the king of sucky days. I hope your migraine had eased up before all of this so you at least had that going for you.

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  13. While I laughed like a hyena through this whole post, I might have been tempted to just sit down there in the middle of everything and get gassed. THAT’d show ’em. Yeah, probably not. But jeez Louise, woman. At least you have Ned the Good Egg and his Wacky Cat.

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  14. I’m speechless – when it rains it pours, doesn’t it? Here’s hoping everything gets fixed, that the food is fine and that your day gets better.

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  15. Steely Dan must be part panther and part moth.

    I don’t understand why you have to pay the $200 when the gas guy turned it off at the street due to the power outage, but then again, I am not a genius nor do I play one on t.v.

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  16. What a totally sucky series of events. I hope you started drinking early. June’s blog, come for the laughs, stay for the drama.

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  17. Oh my gosh, I have had those kind of days before, it’s like one freak thing after another, like the universe is working against you. Having said that, the title and your picture…dead. And then the rest of the post was crazy funny too. How do you do that???

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  18. I just finished throwing out questionable items from the refrigerator after realizing that our 9-hour power outage last night did its best to spoil what was in there. Glad the freezer contents should be fine.

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  19. That is appalling. Right after the appalling migraine. So many woes heaped on at once–are you sure you’re not a fictional character? In that case, you and SD could solve mysteries together. Except Iris would usually be the murderer.
    The food must be fine. Something has to go right for you or the laws of probability have no meaning.

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  20. Well. I could never have guessed the end of that from the start. Excellent writing.
    On the freezer outage, I once returned from a two week holiday to find the power must have gone out almost as soon as we left. I had to throw out masses of rotting meat. I called an electrian and they came and declared it was a problem with the transformer and therefore the power company was responsible. Finally it was fixed… and 12 hours later the power went out again. So I called the power company, but this time it was a problem with the fuse box, so I had to call the electrian.

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  21. Happy Cinco de Mayo?

    Your SD stories of cloth eating tom foolery always make me grateful our boy kitten only chews on bath mats and cat toys. The other day I found a cat tooth, causing great freakage until I googled it. I felt like an idiot because, duh, teething. He’s the size of a hippo but teething. Go figure. Now to decide if we leave the tooth for the tooth fairy. And if so, what does the kitty tooth fairy leave? I’m guessing “not much” if they’re slow fairies…maybe a wing….

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