Pierce and Honeycutt

Dear Faithful Reader Paula:

You know that feeling you get when you wake up during the workweek, all on your own without the aid of your alarm, and you feel rested and you know OH FUCK, something is very wrong?

That was me half an hour ago, the alarm mysteriously set for 8:00. EIGHT. Why had I set it for 8:00? So now it really IS 8:00 and I must stampede through this post and I know that upsets your natural pH balance and so on but there it is.

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It was the birthday of one of my coworkers and she had a little get-together Friday. Bitchy Resting Face Alex came, and it wouldn’t have been a party without her. Actually, I told her to look miserable, but please note how beautifully she managed it. We went out to dinner after and she got the tuna plate–nudge–and we decided to go together to see Gone With the Wind (I wanted to throw in the theme song here to be annoying but I still don’t know how to upload You and your Tube, goddammit) tomorrow, as it is playing at my old movie theater I like.

I CALLED IT. I GET TO BE SCARLETT AND BRF ALEX IS MELANIE. No callbacks!

Anyway, at least you know on Wednesday I will not be full of my Melanie-directed venom or anything. Melanie. What a milquetoast.

Wow, June, back off. Harsh language.

You know what I hate? People who say, “Hate is a strong word.” Oh, fuck off.

Anyway, it was a fun party and my boss, Thousandman, came! It’s always exciting when he attends one of these things because he has kids and plus also I think he sort of prefers, you know, not us when it comes to his social time. He’s in the green shirt, above left. And in the big picture is A, my coworker I’m getting to know better now that we work on the same floor, and so far I am obsessed with her and wish to be her.

Plus, also, the hostess has a Boston terrier doggie doo named Johnny, and he sat on my lap and I love him and we’re to be married in June.

When we left each other on Friday morning, kissing and promising to write every day, I was out of power, gas, a gas line-y thing, a dryer and also patience. Yeah, yeah, a little patience. I’ve been walking the streets at night, just trying to get it right. It’s hard to see with so many around, you know I don’t like being stuck in the crowd.

[begins her Axl Rose dance, WHICH I’D SHOW YOU BUT HOW DO YOU PUT VIDEOS UP IN HERE YO]

The point is, after a cold, gasless Saturday, all that is fixed and thank god, cause crabby.

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The important thing to take away from Saturday is that it appears Steely Dan is officially bigger® than the other cats. And that’s the end of that era.

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Sunday was a nice day, so I drove to the country. This cute older couple comes to work each Friday morning in the summer to sell their wares. They have strawberries, with which I am obsessed, they have honey, tomatoes, beets if you’re into that sort of weird kinky shit, and so on. I decided the company newsletter would not be complete without a thorough expose on this couple who we see for 12 Fridays in a row and then not again till next year, so I drove out to their farm, which was closed (it’s open all the other days of the week, natch), but I still like driving to the country and I took pictures anyway.

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Farm and farm with June. I dearly wish I lived in the country. I’d never be sad again, except for how it looks like maybe if you live in the country you have to work a lot and not just get a lawn guy you can’t really afford to come every two weeks.

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Since I was already out in the country growin’ a lotta peaches, I tooled on over to the animal shelter, which is like a drug addict just tooling on over to the heroin store. By the way, I deep conditioned yesterday, hence the hair. The point is, the volunteer was in the cat room, which is what I call the comment section up in here with all you bitches in it.

See, I don’t, but that was funny and now I’m GONNA call it that.

THE POINT is that the volunteer was cleaning the little cat houses, and she was all, do you want to hold a kitten?

Do I want to hold a kitten.

You can see up there that Mr. Alarmed Ears was happy to meet me and wished I’d hold him and kiss him like that just forever. Look at the little blond M between his kitten brows. Oh my god kittens. KITTENS.

Somehow, I came home kitten-free, and also in the lobby were PUPPIES and I am stronger than Scarlett post radish-barf.

SO THEN, after I exhibited the strength of a thousand men, but not my boss Thousandman, I headed to the tattoo parlor, as I an wont to do, to get my daith pierced. Because nothing gets a man going like a bejeweled daith.

I remember Ned telling me a story about a, well, a one-night stand that he had with a young girl (he was a young-ish boy) who had piercings everywhere and he was all, Calling Tokyo, come in Tokyo with them all. Like he just had no idea what you’re supposed to do, exactly, with that hardware. Piercing people should tattoo instrux near their holes.

Anyway, Refuse to Google, the daith is the part of your ear above where, like, you know that part where if you press on it you plug your ear? It’s the horizontal ridge ABOVE that part of your ear. Allegedly, piercing that part helps with migraine, and my headache study ends in two weeks so I said fuck it.

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It’s not every day an enormous man with a bejeweled hole in the space between his nose and mouth calls my name. He was nice as shit, though, and his name was Tuna, he was a showgirl.

Perhaps you’re wondering if it hurt, and dude, yes, it hurt. But it wasn’t like it was so bad I could hardly stand the pain, like that guy getting his leg chopped off in GWTW. How over me are you already and I haven’t even GONE to the movie yet. By Wednesday morning, you’ll be gone with the wind.

Anyway, I have to wait FOR MONTHS to get pretty jewelry for it, but there’s all sorts of sparkly gems you can stick in there and I cannot wait. For now, I have to clean it like 900 times a day and further reports as, you know, developments warrant.

Now it’s 8:33 and I am late for work and Paula is REALLY nervous now. Late for work is a very big thing with her, we’re learning if we happen to be her Facebook friend.

As god is my witness, I’ll talk to you tomorrow [raises fist].

In Ashley’s grip, if he didn’t clasp everything like a clammy fish,

June

49 thoughts on “Pierce and Honeycutt

  1. So many things to comment on and all I can think of is, “if he didn’t clasp everything like a clammy fish”. I’ll have to work that into a conversation today. Lovely post, lovely June. And now I picture Just Paula H&B rushing through your post.

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  2. Kittens!!! You notice that is what I got out of this post. KITTENS!!! There is an animal shelter on the same road as I work. About 1/4 mile away. How I do not have eleventy billion cats already is something I cannot answer.

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  3. I watched a friend get her nipple pierced. Damn, that shit hurt. I asked to see the book because I hate not knowing about these things. I perused all the Prince Alberts, etc. They were all excited until.I told them I was only along for support. She got her clitoral hood pierced too but I was not asked along for that one. She said it does increase her pleasure, FYI.
    Keep the GWTW references coming. I’m a huge fan too.

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    1. I just can’t imagine having a stranger all up in my lady parts to pierce them. Or even a friend, for that matter. If you’re pinching that part of me, we’d better be doing some aggressive cuddling!

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  4. “if he didn’t clasp everything like a clammy fish” What? I didn’t see that line. How did I miss that line? So I went back and read slowly, no skimmy skim head here, and there is was, the last 9 words. I missed them because being in Ashley’s grip so gripped my ewww center I didn’t even see the last 9 words. I must have had a moment of hysterical blindness.

    Distinguished just came back and gave me the big eyeballs because I’m not ready to hit the highway to look at 6 hours of pavement before I look at The Home and my mother. I just told him to “Back off, Buster”, June’s got a great post going here and I’m splashing around it until I’m all wore out. I’m in no hurry to get in the grip of that insane thruway. Or as my car guys calls it, “Tha fo-lane”.

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  5. Ooooh! That looks pretty but oh so painful! I am not a piercer, ever since I let my much older cousin pierce my ears with a needle, an ice cube, and a potato. Infected mess is what that was. I’m surprised I’m not dead.

    That kitteh! What a sweet sweet face!

    I’ve embedded YouTube videos on my WordPress whatever you call it, but it’s been a while. So therefore I cannot help you do it but I can offer the reassurance that it can be done!

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  6. Kittens! is all I got too. Nothing smells like kitten fur, either. Mr. Alarmed Earses!

    BRF Alex looks more like she’s over your shenanigans than miserable.

    Everyone annoys me in GWTW. That movie is an amazing spectacle of beautiful scenery, but everyone in it needs bitched-slapped into some sense.

    Look at leggy SD and his growing self! He is going to be such a big boy.

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    1. Exactly, about GWTW. A spectacular educational film on different categories of stupid.

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    1. JP, I hope you didn’t have to go home sick from work or anything, after all that nervousness, because I’m positive that you frown on that.

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  7. What if you roll onto your right side in the night? What if hair gets wrapped around it? What if you hit it with the seatbelt? What if…?
    I’m having a vicarious anxiety attack.
    Lovely post, June.

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  8. Okay, totally LOVE the picture of you with your multiple piercings. I got my ears pierced at 12 and followed the rules to the letter. NO dangly earrings for months, blah blah blah. Whereas, that cheap hussy friend of mine, who, of course, got HER ears pierced the same day as I did, immediately started wearing the dangly. I was SHOCKED, SHOCKED I tell you. Blatant disregard for rules is still a thing with me. I wonder if her lobes fell off.

    You’re such a pretty rebel. Now Ima be late for work…

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  9. I love your drive in the country. And I love coworker A’s house/patio. I wish I could have gone to that party. Kitten M is so adorable, and I am so impressed with your strength of will. I am hoping that your piercing helps with your head, you have suffered enough. And finally, I love the word milquetoast. I could say “I” one more time if you like…

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  10. So much to love in this post. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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  11. Thousandman, how YOU doin’?

    BRF Alex never gets old, either with the shenanigans or with her looks.

    Coworker A is A-dorable. I want her shoes and I want that chair she is reclining in.

    Dear Joob,
    If your boss reads the comments in the cat room today, please clarify I’m not hitting on him, just simply carrying on the Hulk tradition.
    Love,
    AA
    P.S. You’re so pretty!

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  12. i truly hope the dash of daith vanishes the pain. as God is my witness.
    sd has been eating the cats of the neighborhood. that’s my new explanation for his girth. no. that’s not the right word. although it made me giggle.
    when we talk about GWTW i always think of pamela soul sister. sigh.

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  13. Milquetoast! Cracked me up. We had a friend that used to make references about Casper Milquetoast people. Now you’ve given Paula the hives. Paula, just calm down, it’s going to be okay. A is too cute, and cute shoes. That kitten just melted my heart. That piercing just makes my stomach drop thinking about the pain. I really hope it is going to do away with the headaches, you have suffered enough. Was that Iris eyeing SD? I would love to live on about 100 acres, but I’m going to have to win the lottery, because I’ll need a host of workers to keep all that up.

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  14. I am eager to hear whether this works for you. I can’t tell you how many people sent me info about this piercing, but I would be more likely to suffer the non-stop cleaning if someone I “know” has success with it. I don’t even wear regular earrings anymore so it’s a bit daunting.
    Unrelated, that kitten was soooooo cute. Marvin should get it and name that cat Marvin for that M.

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  15. Coworker’s shoes and that CHAIR!! Normally, I am with you on liking the dogs or cats best at a party/gathering, but those shoes! And the flipping chair, for pity’s sake. That thing is amazing.

    Sorry that the farm was closed when you got there.

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    1. Dang it, Lisa Pie! I tried to like your post but it required more security clearances than Michael Flynn.

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  16. While looking at you in pigtails in front of the country farm, this song is going through my head:
    Green Acres is the place to be
    Farm livin’ is the life for me
    Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
    Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

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  17. June, I worried about you all weekend with your house pulling pranks on you, but you were at a party, and I’m so relieved! Look how cute your coworkers are. I certainly hope that ear piercing works like a charm, because it looks like it hurts more than helps. yikes.
    Carry on!

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  18. OMG, I’m finally back and it’s only because my boss’s guide dog is spraying diarrhea (TMI) (not in the office, THANK GOD) so they had to go see a specialist. Well, “see.” So I had to hustle the last group of elders the hell out so the dog wouldn’t be late to his appointment because in my world, everyone is always on time, no matter how many legs you have. It’s just RUDE to be late. Even if you’re a dog.

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  19. New follower here – I love GWTW so keep up the references!

    As to uploading YouTube videos – usually (at least in Blogger) if you click on the Share button beneath the video you can copy the link and add it to your blog.

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    1. Hi Gigi & June,
      I think for wordpress it might be that you copy the link that appears when you click “embed” that is next to the share button on Youtube. I always have to try different things, but I eventually find it. The problem is when you paste it in the post it pastes in link form, so you don’t see the video window. You have to post or preview or whatever. I hope that helps. I was hoping someone who knew stuff for sure would post first so I didn’t have to say…”Yeah. Just play around…you’ll get it…” but really that is what I do. Every. Time.

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  20. A dog and a kitten in one weekend but your household didn’t grow in number of paws? Restraint, you have!
    I really hope the piercing works for you. I drove a friend a couple of months ago because she was worried the piercing would induce a migraine. We saw her over Easter and for the first time ever, I saw her smile – truly smile instead of a grimace-smile. She’s had one mild headache since the piercing and even went to a movie for the first time in years because watching TV in the dark was a trigger for her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a life given back to you but I’m just thankful she’s out of misery and hope it works the same for you!

    Lovely post, pretty June.

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