Chocolate > labs

Today, I was supposed to go to work having fasted, and have blood drawn for our health insurance thing at work. Then 40 minutes later, I was supposed to go to my new doctor and have even more blood drawn for my initial visit with him in a week, unless of course he dies or quits before then. Or I die of italicizing.

The point is, I didn’t feel like it.

I got up early today, because this weekend I put up an announcement on my NextDoor app, asking if anyone wanted to go walking in the mornings around 6:45. I got like 8 people saying, “I can go at 5:00!”

5:00. In what world are 5:00 and 6:45 even remotely close?

So I ignored all those early-bird motherfuckers until a normal woman emailed to say she could do it. Then I woke up this morning and it was raining. Goddammit. But because we’d agreed to meet, we both schlepped out there in the rain to meet each other to say, “No way are we walking in the rain.” It was all very romantic, us walking toward each other in the early-morning rain, not able to live without each other.

And due to tonight officially being Gone With the Wind night, we’re gonna meet Thursday rather than tomorrow. I probably won’t get home till 11:30 tonight as it is. I done tole ya and tole ya to wear a shawl. Catch your death out there in the damp.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I so need a Mammy to shake her head at me disapprovingly. I know I’ve also mentioned before that you are all my Mammy, and I realize that. Can any of you start sporting a white turban? And forcing me to eat breakfast that includes ham?

Anyway, after my neighbor and I met on the rainy street and made our plans and she agreed Edsel could come on all future walks, I came home and really wanted coffee. So all lab plans have been rescheduled till later.

I know. Shut up. And it’s barely even caffeinated anymore, my coffee. It’s barely legal. But still, it was dark and raining and I had some blueberry flax muffins I made (shut up again) and just the thought of two damn labs in a row and starving till 10:00 sounded awful.


I have tomorrow off. When I left the message for my new doctor, who as you can imagine is probably already all, “Welp. Here’s gonna be a handful.” When I left a message for him, I said I can come in tomorrow morning, so we’ll see what they say. Probably yes because it takes five minutes to do labs.

The reason I have tomorrow off is–oh, you know what? I think I took only the afternoon off. Well, crap. I should probably look that up.

The REASON I took it off was because I’m going to my old workplace tomorrow afternoon to meet with a team because I’m gonna do some freelance work for them.

Careful, ancient readers will recall my former coworker–my coworker, fmr.–called Tank the Miracle Angel Baby. He recommended me for this freelance project, and then the guy in charge was all, When can you meet the team and I was all, Meet the team? I’ve never had to do that before, and I’m hoping this is like some kind of $20,000 freelance project, because that would cover everything I’m trying to pay off or purchase, with the exception of a nose job, which is a far-off pipe dream I cannot hope to achieve.

I feel stalled, y’all. Stalled financially, and no matter how I cajole or beg or speak to the powers that be at work, I appear to be doomed to my current position there. I’m still making less money than I was 10 years ago in LA, doing the same job.

I’ve been a copy editor for 20 years and I’d like to branch out somehow. Well, first I was a proofreader, and then a copy editor, but there’s little difference. I wrote for awhile at this current job, but now I’m back to copy editing. And I know I turned that other job down recently and I don’t regret that. It was gonna be super corporate and it involved travel, which I know you all LOVE to travel, everyone LOVES to travel. But guess what. I don’t.

Here are things I don’t love that everyone else does, and I know this because I’m on 3949493 dating websites and I read these same goddamn lists of what people like:

  • Travel
  • Brunch
  • The outdoors
  • Live music
  • Color runs
  • My kids

And while I know zero single men are reading this–actually, wait. The guy I went to 9th-grade prom with told me he reads, so Dear Guy I Went to 9th-Grade Prom With: If you’re filling out your dating profile, don’t drone on about your kids. Look, of course we want you to like your kids, but as soon as you utter anything resembling “My kids are my world,” we are out of there. First of all, no one wants to be anyone else’s world. The most well-adjusted people I know had parents who practiced benign neglect. I’m serious.

Also, if that’s the case, then it’s unfair of you to be trying to date. Say, these other beings are “my world,” but why don’t you go ahead and get attached to me? See how that works out?

Not that I have any idea that my 9th-grade date is on a dating site. I mean, maybe after our stunning night of attending prom in our gym, set to the theme of Sharing the Night Together by Dr. Hook, maybe after that he gave up, because it was just going to be downhill from there.

Anyway. I am also stalled romantically. I’ve dated 16 men since Ned and I broke up, and zilch. I did like this one guy a bit as of late, but he lives more than two hours away and it’s just fizzled. He was nice. He was a librarian who was also in a band. He never once mentioned color runs.

Also, I’m old. I’ve gained 16 pounds this year. I mean, it might be over for me. How do you tell yourself, “Well, romance is over” and not get sad about it?

Oh my GOD, I just noticed I’ve already written 1,024 words, which is weird because Gone With the Wind is 1,024 pages. So.

Talk to you tomorrow, when I will have zero GWTW references or anything. I’m sure Ashley’s manliness will not be touched upon. With a lacy glove.

In inertia’s grip,





63 thoughts on “Chocolate > labs

  1. I also too hate the outdoors. I cannot get hot and abhor sweating and bugs of any kind. However, this affliction did not present itself until about 10 or 15 years ago. I think when you are young you can handle anything. Hate to ask, but what is a color run?


  2. Imma hope $20,000 is just the retainer.

    On our NextDoor someone threatened to get out his gun because someone egged his work truck. Which isn’t supposed to be planted in his driveway in the first place, but far be it from me to point THAT out.

    I’m with you on brunch and color runs – or runs of any kind, honestly. But I do love live music, the outdoors and my kids. Travel – only on my terms. If someone was making me do it I would despise it. So I guess we are only semi-compatible.

    Lovely, lovely post June !


  3. I personally would like to kick every man in the taco who writes any of the following: I’m just me; if you want to know anything, just ask; I’m fluent in sarcasm; looking for my partner in crime. Any of those will result in an automatic no from me.

    I’m not quite ready to talk about the romance being over. I still have a smidgen of hope left.


    1. I HATE THAT. We already DID ask, by being on this site. And if that’s the amount of effort you want to put into this, I have no interest in pursuing your lazy self.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. YES! Don’t put the onus of the work on me. I’m special as I hope he is. We both get this, not just him. Ugh. I swear, some days I feel like I’d like to sign off on men forever.


  4. I can’t believe you know how many pages in Gone with the Wind. I bought the book at a garage sale a year or two ago and still haven’t read it, or seen the movie….I know, I need to get to it.


    1. The book is surprisingly good. I read it a few years ago and I was riveted the whole way through. And the movie is a classic. Worth the 8 hours or however long it is.


    1. If it’s live music like a quiet quartet at a museum I’m good with that. What I don’t understand is concerts. Are you supposed to sing along? Dance? Just watch? I find them very awkward; have no idea what to do with myself.


  5. Color runs are a big NO. Who wants to INHALE that weird powder while huffing and puffing along. Nobody, that’s who.


  6. Mammy: It ain’t fittin’… it ain’t fittin’. It jes’ ain’t fittin’… It ain’t fittin’.


  7. Or I die of italicizing .HA!! Wonderful post. I do not like live music, travel, noise, noisy kids and most people. I do love the outdoors and could live outdoors if the temps were 48 to 74. Which I would have to move to San Diego for, not gonna happen.
    Here’s a thought….wouldn’t it be awesome if you met your next love at the movie tonight? It was all I could do not to italicize tonight.


  8. I need an Alice from Brady Bunch – always have, always will. I don’t have 6 kids but that’s not the point. She just kept everything humming along in the household while I can sit in my chair and drink coffee and hang out with the dogs. So I get the mammy thing, although I have never seen nor read gone with the wind.

    That “how’s 5” is my pet peeve. You said the time, it wasn’t an “anytime” invitation. It’s as bad as folks who make a recipe and say “instead of chicken i used turkey and instead of sour cream I used yogurt and I added cheese where it didn’t call for it and also I baked it instead of doing it in the crock pot.” THEN YOU DIDN’T MAKE THAT RECIPE YOU FRICKER.

    Liked by 1 person


      Sorry you’re stalled, June. Hope GWTW helps because, after all, tomorrow is another day.


    2. OH! That is one of my Top Ten Pet Peeves: Internet Version. Rate a recipe after NOT FOLLOWING THE RECIPE. I don’t mind people saying “next time I would use more salt” or whatever, but the first go-around – stick to the RULES!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Mammy: You know what trouble I’s talkin’ ’bout. I’s talking ’bout Mr. Ashley Wilkes. He’ll be comin’ to Atlanta when he gets his leave, and you sittin’ there waitin’ for him, just like a spider. He belongs to Miss Melanie…


    1. I love how she says “Spider”. It kills me every time I watch that movie. Mammy is the best. (Ok, as I said yesterday, Belle Watling is the best but they are about as different as characters can get and I love them both.)


  10. I’m surprise at how many people don’t like live music.
    Love Jimmie, I read lick instead of kick and I was like, well you go on with your taco licking self until I got to the end. I think I need glasses or I can continue to amuse myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t like live music (and I live in Nashville, so it’s not like I have to try to find it) because usually it’s SO DANG LOUD. If I’m at a bar with my friends I’m trying to talk, not scream my feelings about fried mozzarella or whatever over your 8 piece blues band that you’ve been in since middle school- and there’s a REASON why you never hit the big-time.

      Concerts? Love concerts. Live music? Kill me.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t like anything on that list, either. Except brunch, I do love brunch. Sleeping late followed by eating bacon, roast, and fancy deserts? Yes, please. Doing so on a vacation on an outside terrace watching some dumbass guy running down the street with his kids and they’re all covered in paint? No freaking way.


  12. I can tear up some brunch. Except that it involves being around lots of annoying people and waiting in line for a table. I hate those parts. But the food I can get behind. I’m not a fan of all the other stuff on your list either. I’m okay with traveling one or two weekends per year for fun, but not for work.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Paula, H&B, you are killing me with your excellent Mammy quotes.
    I adore Mammy and would love one too. I always like Mammy and Aunt Jemimah because they are fat and appeared happy, like me though I’m a white girl. I like fat and sassy.
    Live music depends on what type. A piano bar playing the American songbook would be lovely. Bagpipes on St. Patty’s Day. A rock band causing deafness and no conversation in a too small venue not so much.
    I am a brunch lover too. Rarely go but I love me a good one. Our best closed years ago. Ocean views and great food. It was devine.
    I hate outdoor activities and any decent man will always love his children more. Second wives who don’t get that blow me away. I had an older boyfriend with kids at nineteen and I got it.


    1. Hee! That’s awesome and gross! Color runs are races where at certain points, like each kilometer in a 5k, the racers are sprayed with a color powder or paint. It’s a different color each time. At the end of the race, the racers are all splattered with lots of colors, like they’ve been assaulted in paint ball or something. The pictures are always very, well, colorful, which I think is the basis of the appeal, but I have heard the powder/paint is actually a nuisance if you breath it in. It got too trendy for me to sign up for one, too.


    2. Yep, it’s what happens when you eat too many Skittles. Color runs are huge around my area. They’re marathons, usually fundraising, except people throw chalk color stuff at you while you run. I think it started with the all lives matter or LGBT acceptance-type runs, but everybody does it now. I don’t get the difference between that and people just slinging poo at you while you run. Either way, you’re a hot mess and sweaty and your clothes are ruined when you’re done, and you need to be hosed off. No thank you. I’ll be accepting, but in a clean way.


  14. Also, I clicked on the Miracle Angel Baby story, which I had forgotten about so I got to enjoy it as if I had never read it before. Also, only 35 comments and not everyone “knew” everyone else yet – it’s so weird to see this out-of-control comments section in its infancy, as it were…someone is actually commenting that they put you in their Google reader. How quaint!


  15. The stalled feeling is lousy, and has lasted too long, but something will change. Just think of it as being like, oh, I don’t know, sitting through a really long movie.


  16. Sharing the Night Together?? How lascivious! We had a mammy once. My sister-in-law lived with us for like, 5 years. She always did the dishes and mopped. I miss that. When anyone got out of line (at any age) she’d give them the most menacing stink-eye. Lawd have mercy!


  17. I volunteered at Emory’s graduation yesterday. Those parents definitely needed a mom yesterday. I kindly chided many parents to be more considerate of others, not stand where the graduates were trying to process, not to stand where they weren’t allowed, etc. I had to do so without actually chiding, because, guests who just forked out a crap load of tuition dollars. My favorite part was their reactions, most of which were an impish smile like my own child makes.

    June, I hope you get out of your stalled funk. You are so talented and I wish I could wave a magic wand for you to get a better paying job that meets your requirements. Will your freelance stuff involve you going into your old office much, or taking it home? Because I am addicted to co-worker stories.


  18. June if I were a man you would be first on my list. We would have a passionate and torrid affair, much like Debra Kerr and Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity. Well not entirely like that because we would not be rolling on the beach. Can you imagine the sand in all those nooks and crannies? The salt water douche alone would be irritating.

    On another note why did Scarlette have such a thing for mamsy pansy Ashley? I still think there is a closet with Ashley’s name on it. And then there is poor Melanie.


  19. I like live music and concerts. I’m a dream to go with. Several phobias including a severe case of claustrophobia makes it especially fun, particularly in indoor venues with thousands and thousands of people.


  20. So much funny, especially down here with the Mammys and ancient readers. Must see GWTW again. Haven’t in years and there’s no funky theater in town. I did recently re-watch the Carol Burnett version, which is hilarious. Color runs are like Tough Mudders to me. I don’t want to do an event where someone throws something at me or I end up in a gawdawful funk pond with fecal matter. Ack!

    You’re so pretty.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Here’s when I like the outdoors and live music: when I’m sitting on a restaurant patio with a pitcher of margaritas (and chips & salsa – who am I kidding) in front of me, and a nice looking guy is singing softly accompanied by his acoustic guitar. Any other time…not so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Have you been in bars where they have a guy performing acoustically and all the bar patrons are chattering away through his performance? Drives me nuts. I sit there and listen and applaud even if I’m the only one doing so. I so envy anyone with musical talent and the courage to put it out there.


      1. ME TOO!! This guy is working hard up there, providing entertainment. The very least people can do is applaud!


  22. I love free concerts in the park, with local bands doing cover tunes, all you have to do is lie on your blanket and listen, watch the little kids dancing because they don’t care who’s watching, and get in line for the ice cream dots if you’re feeling rich.
    I hope the job with Tank the MAB works out. And your new walking partner.
    Loved “In inertia’s grip”. Actually snorted out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. The Menopause Twenty is like its younger sister, the much maligned Freshman Twenty. It’s awful, almost impossible to lose, and then if you do, your skin will no longer stick to your body. It just drifts around like some sort of deflated balloon as gravity gets the last laugh.*

    *All opinions are that of the author after accidentally catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror right before her shower. Results of the Menopause Twenty may vary from person to person.

    Liked by 3 people

  24. GWTW. I read it my sophomore year in high school. I had Algebra2 with a girl I knew. Football Coach teacher just gave us problems. Soon as you were finished, free time. Well, this girl was reading GWTW and she was really slow at Algebra. She would let me read it while she finished her problems. I finished that book 3 months before she did. Pabby Philpot was her name. Nice girl. But. Slow. Very. Slow.


    1. I’m sorry, but Pabby Philpot has sent me into fits of hysterical giggles. It’s the Spiro Agnew of the 2010s for me. (When I was a kid, you could NOT say “Spiro Agnew” without me losing my shit.)

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Fabulous post, Miss June!

    I love concerts, not necessarily live music in a restaurant setting. But I go to concerts frequently. I have never regretted being at one, only the ones I have missed. The worst thing for me is live albums. I hate that shit. I want the recording studio quality with the best take of all on it, not that live concert shit from Indianapolis where all you can hear is the crowd hooting and singing louder than the band.

    I have always wanted a Mammy. She was the glue in that household for sure!


  26. Scarlett: Why don’t you just say it, you coward? You’re afraid to marry me. You’d rather live with that silly little fool who can’t open her mouth except to say, “yes” and “no” and raise a passle of mealy-mouthed brats just like her!
    Ashley: You mustn’t say things like that about Melanie.
    Scarlett: Who are you to tell me I mustn’t! You led me on! You made me believe you wanted to marry me!
    Ashley: Now, Scarlett be fair. I never at any time…
    Scarlett: You did! It’s true! You did! I’ll hate till I die! I can’t think of anything bad enough to call you!


  27. I am so happy that Edsel can go on the walks with you. He would have been sad. I hope you took the whole day tomorrow. Then you can ease in after the late night you will have tonight!

    Lovely post, lovely June!


  28. Um, rumor is there’s a dating app called Hater that matches people by what they hate. You’d probably hate it (bah!).

    This post was hysterical. Also timely, as was just debating that “in a band” thing with friends. Live music and musicians must be au courant this season (or not…it is debatable).


  29. The other day, which, for reference from dancer’s guide of phrases means any other day than today, one commenter said she/they don’t make any extra payments but don’t create any new debt. Like, not forever, but when things were bad. I’ve taken this on. Because fuck me I don’t ever think I’ll be out of debt. Since the move here to Tex-ass I am in as much debt as I was when I got divorced. And, like you, I’m making the least amount of money since my divorce. I’ve thought of declaring bankruptcy but my moral conconcious tells me I spent the money, so I owe it.

    As for dating, yeah, that’s a crap, too. I’ve been through some serious depression lately and I can’t fight my weight and my depression and my finances at the same time. It would be easier if I would embrace the idea of dating a married man, which I do not, but there’s plenty of them out there. Ugh.

    GWTW is on amazon prime right now.


  30. I am a musician and have at times played and sang at venues. But I hate how live musicians hold people hostage. You go into a place to have drinks or eat a nice meal with people and have a nice conversation, and then the music starts and you can’t hear each other, and you’re forced to pay attention to the musician or band and applaud. My ex is a singer in a men’s chorus (gee, should that have been my FIRST clue?!? I’m an idiot) but when they would go out for dinner with their wives (or beards, as I call them), they would just spontaneously bust into one of their songs, and people around them who just wanted a nice dinner are forced to politely listen. I hate that! Other people don’t think your singing is as awesome as you do. I even got tired of having to watch them adoringly while they forced their singing on others. Ick!


  31. While I don’t ever think that anyone should feel that their dating time is over just because they gained a few pounds. A man who only wants me when I’m at my skinniest, is a man that I don’t want, ever. That being said, I feel you on the dating stall. I’ve been in a stall for about 4 1/2 years now. Just not feeling it with anybody. Not interested in anyone around me. I don’t feel like I’m done with the dating thing though. I’m just in a period where it seems exhausting to me.


  32. I love Mammy. When I read “Scarlett” I sobbed when she died.

    Tank! We need an update. I HATE live music. It is so annoying trying to talk over music I come away from any event with live music absolutely exhausted. When I win the lottery I’ll pay all your debts. Just be encouraged, paying those debts off is like eating an elephant, one bite at a time.

    I’m going to have to watch GWTW again. That Scarlett was a rat.


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