Sort of a complainy post. (“What??”)

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“So. There you go,” texted Ned (“text” Ned), as he sent me the image above.

For all the complaining I do about people saying “text” as a past-tense form of, you know, “text,” I still hear it all the time. I also love that people write to me, “I read you everyday!” Well, you just failed my litmus test for whether you read me every day two words, so.

To review: I wear my everyday clothes every day. That is how you remember when to make it one word or two.

Anyway, Ned did not send me the above because they used “every day” right, but rather because he knows how I enjoy wall art, and even walls, telling me what to do. The woman who sits next to me has a calendar that every month has commanded us to do something.

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No.

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I really don’t want any inanimate object telling me what to do. Also, that really looks like a lived-in room up there. Oh, let me just move aside the five-foot fake flowers so I can read about my FAITH. Apparently you have to scream that word.

Anyway.

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At work, there’s a falcon (and a snowman) who resides up on one of the poles in the parking lot. I’ve named him Falcon Chris. I think he likes to survey his domain up there, and of course I’ve ordered some hawk gloves so he can land on my arm and I can kiss him repeatedly. I’m sure it does tons for his street cred when I’m down there going, “Hi, Falcony muffin headed muffin! I love you so bad! Did you catch any mice-ses today? Any delicious mice-ses? I’ll see you tomorrow, kittenheaded Falcon Chris!”

I love him.

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Speaking of creatures I love but should not, behold Steely Dan, who allegedly turns one today except see yesterday’s post where that is just not true. He turns 10 months today, it’s just that the medical community won’t accept it.

OH MY GOD IT’S HOT.

Guess what I get now? Sexy hot flashes! I mean, the rest of the world gets a hot flash when I change clothes and forget to draw the blinds, but. I mean, mother of god, have you had these yet? I get them a few times a day now, and you’re minding your own business or stalking your ex online, whichever, and

BOOM IT’S HOT MOTHER OF CHRIST.

Then it isn’t.

Aging. It’s gettin’ old.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wooo! BAHAHAHAHA!

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In other less elderly news, a woman at work brought her dog in yesterday. You know how I get about that. I get all Falcon Chris about that, is how I get. Dignity? I’m a regular Leslie Uggams.

Say, June, why don’t you pull a celebrity, fmr., out your ass?

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Anyway. When I wasn’t lusting after animals domestic and foreign yesterday, I also received in the mail some Lipsense, and thank god because my lips have been confusing for years.

Faithful Reader Leslie sells this stuff, and for months now I’ve been watching her talk about it on the Facebook. It’s lipstick that lasts all day, and you know I was tempted to get some, but see Kaye, budget taskmaster. But the other day she messaged me. “I’m sending you some of the Champagne Pink lipstick,” she said. “If you hate it, just don’t mention it on your blog.”

Naturally I planned to hate it and rage on about it the way I do wall stencils where they scream the word FAITH at you.

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Don’t fuck with me, fella.

Here I am last night after work, apparently as a prison guard, because what’s with the mug, sourpuss?

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Okay, so, you gotta put it on in this exact way, then sit there with your mouth open for five seconds, and that middle picture reminds me of my ex-best-friend’s husband, who when my ex and I would be in one of our seven-hour phone calls, he’d at some point want her attention, so he’d stand in front of her with his mouth open like he was JUST ABOUT to say something, and stand that way, in suspended animation till she was all, “WHAT?”

They’re divorced now.

Anyway, the final one looks like I’ve just had seven hours of sex or I’m thinking deep thoughts that must soon be stenciled on a wall somewhere, but the point is, (a) I like the color and (2) I took it out on the town, and by “out on the town” I mean a 20-minute walk with Edsel, and it lasted through that and also through the Pepsi I drank, which, don’t even ask.

Okay, at my headache study, I’ve struck up a friendship with the janitor in the building where we go after hours for our study meetings, and the other night he knocked on the door and had bought soda for everyone. It was so cute I could have cried. I could have Falcon Chris-ed all over him. I saved one of the Pepsis for a special occasion, such as new lipstick.

Anyway, I gotta go.

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Edz do too

So far while I’ve been writing this, I snapped at my friend Mark for texting me (“I’M WRITING“) and then Ned for calling me six seconds later (“Im WRITING“) and now I’m fairly late for the shower portion of my day.

Before I go, I had the fence man over yesterday to measure my yard, and it will cost $4,200 to put up a wood fence just on three sides, and not the side near Peg’s house (it’s so tree-y that it would cost a fortune to do that part).

So. No fence for me, it looks like. Don’t fence me in. Because I can’t afford it.

In debt’s grip,

Juan

51 Comments

  2. Sometimes, just reading the comments in order is a hoot. I just read “Peppermint Essential Oil on the back of the neck works WONDERS for the hot flashes.” “Would you consider a chain-link fence?” and then I laughed out loud. I bet a a chain-link fence on the back of the neck might be a bit heavy, but it would probably work!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Falcon Chris.
    Stalking your ex online.
    Prison guard.
    Ex-best-friend’s husband with the gaping mouth = jerk.
    Janitor + sodas = Awesome! Exactly opposite of jerk up above.
    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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  4. Would you consider a chain-link fence? Much less expensive, and if you need to block a view, can always plant ivy.

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  5. Ok ladies, I know that advice is verboten here, but I just can’t help myself. Peppermint Essential Oil on the back of the neck works WONDERS for the hot flashes. Be careful which essential oils you use because purity is an issue with anything you apply to your skin.

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    1. OMG I’m reading through the comments thinking, “Really? No one has commented on lapiz labial liquid yet?” Because I am apparently 10.

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      1. Me too!! And then the comment about the “liquido” bring an ingredient almost made me fall off the couch. That would have been terrible because I’ve already declared that I’m spending the whole day on the couch!

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  7. I opened a can of soup and the inside of the lid said “Go for a walk today”. Fuck you, soup can lid. I do not want to walk today.
    As an aside re Falcon and the Snowman: Although, they were much older than I, I went to the same Catholic church/school as the altar boys turned Soviet spies attended before they became drug dealing spies.
    SD is the coolest cat ever.

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  9. Can you even begin to imagine what the world would be like if every place you went, everywhere you looked, everyone was being AMAZING? Say, in the CVS mentioned above…The pharmacist would be being AMAZING, as would the guy buying cigarettes, and the old bent-over man buying hearing aid batteries would be AMAZING, and the check-out gal/guy (at mine it is tricky to know the right pronoun), even the homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk outside asking you if you have any cigarettes or money for lunch would be AMAZING. And so would I be AMAZING. And everyone pulling into the parking lot…AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING!

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    2. I read an article that an 8th grade girl wrote for the Junior High newsletter at the K-12 private school where I worked. The article was exactly like this, where everyone “did amazing” in the prior gymnastics meet. It’s as though she was challenged to use only the word “amazing” to describe how each gymnast’s performance went. She later was on my cheerleading squad so often all I could think about was how “amazing” was her favorite word.

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  10. Hot flashes will cause you to go crazy. Get you some hormones.

    Evelyn Couch: Towanda! Righter of Wrongs, Queen Beyond Compare!
    Ninny Threadgoode: How many of them hormones you takin’, honey?

    Whoremoans are the bomb. I went through menopause when I was 25 if I hadn’t had my whoremoans I would have been in a rubber room with a fancy jacket that buckles in the back by the time I reached 26.

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  11. Glad you like the Pink Champagne June! Thanks for the mention. SD looks like the largest, softest cat in the world. Love the live videos from your walks!

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  12. That’s some cat!
    So do we blame poor Charlotte’s weaving for wordy wall art or?

    I never knew it was a thing until house hunting. Oh my….word. Every other bedroom was ♡Haylee♡ and ☆Breighdanpth☆. Like a training tool for raising narcissists.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Haven’t had the hot flashes yet. I had my uterus electrocuted seven years ago and I get a period for a half day like every three months. However, cramps have never stopped so that makes it fun.
    I keep thinking in my mind that I can come up with the perfect answer to secure you closet from SD, but at this point I’m sure he could get though one of those Looney Toons 20-planks-nailed-over-door-and-an-anvil-ready-to-drop scenarios. Maybe you can rent him out to companies that promised “guaranteed secure” products like doors and windows and he can enlighten them to their flaws, and you get paid.

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  15. I’ll be 56 next month, but went through the hot flash stage at 49, along with insomnia. I carried around one of those little battery operated portable fans on a string. I wore it around my neck. It helped. But after a few months of continuous hot flashes, I said, “SCREW THIS” and stampeded to my GYN, who graciously wrote me a prescription for an estrogen patch. THAT IS A MIRACLE PATCH, let me tell you. I’m still on it and doing fine. Without it I get insomnia and hot flashes again.

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  16. Let’s imagine for a moment how funny it would be to have Bossy Wall Art that was actually applicable to a person’s real life.
    Organize piles of papers!
    Less sugar, more Jesus!
    Remember to wear sunscreen!
    Be patient in line at CVS!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. At first glance, I thought your falcon was a pelican up on that pole. Only it came out as “ooooh, is that a penguin?” And that, my friends, is menopause brain.
    Lovely post, June.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I’ve been known to strip down in the middle of the night due to those horrid flashes.

    Do you need to use the gloss too and then some special remover to get it all off?

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    1. Yes, gloss over color after application and before you eat to protect the color. It will eventually wear off but the starter set also comes with remover.

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  20. ACTUALLY, I came here to comment on the inanimate signs telling you what to do,but the comments were full of hot flashes, so. Re the signs: You recently posted that you hate those signs and if you were ever to have such a sign in your home, it would say “Fuck Your Mother Right In Her Ass.” (I may have paraphrased; have neither the time nor the inclination to search. Mostly the time.) I want you to know that I have repeated your opinion of signs at least once a week since you posted it, crediting you each time. Ask Kayeeee how to register that so you get royalties, because I plan to keep on quoting it.

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  21. Hot flashes! I don’t miss them at all. I agree with Leanne, they are a ridiculous phase of life. Mine started extra early, but the bonus is now they’re over for me. My friend is a teacher and she said, even worse, is having hot flashes in front of a classroom of students.

    To combine two of your favorite things, maybe you can find wall art that says, “Keep cool and carry on”.

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  22. Oh, that cat. He is just so beautiful. What an awesome photo of him. And that dog. I want to kiss his nose. That falcon Chris is also so cute. I guess I am all about those animals today. I love that Ned still texts you stuff like that to make you laugh.

    Lovely post, lovely lips June!

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  23. HYSTERECTOMY!!! Hysterectomy gets you home. (Name that movie.) Highly recommend. Haven’t missed my whore of a uterus ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. When you play, Fuck, Marry, Kill, you pick hysterectomy to marry every single time, don’t you?

      Liked by 2 people

  25. I haven’t had a period in 15 years and I still get hot flashes from time to time but that’s just me.
    Love the lip color. You know someone is going to ask you the name if the color so it may (might?) as well be me, a lurker. Thank you. Love falcon Chris.

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  26. Lovely lipstick, lovely June. I’m glad to see you have a dish on your coffee table in the shape of California. Also too and furthermore, I do love Eds’ comment and photo.

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  27. Falcon Chris!!!

    Sorry to hear about your hot flashes, June. Hot flashes are the bane of my existence. My cancer meds exacerbate them for me. Had to give up turtlenecks because of them. And I love a turtleneck. Be sure to wear layers you can escape from. I’ve been known to get damn-near naked in public.

    That lip color is perfect for you. I read an article that said the most flattering lip color is one that mimics your actual lip color. Seems redundant but is always really pretty. You look lovely!

    Shout out to Leslie Uggams!!! My mother’s family lived in the same Manhattan apartment building as hers when they were growing up. She’s terrific. Hope she has a Google alert on her name!

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    1. PSS, again, I high five you in solidarity with the Tamoxifen hatred. It makes me feel a little less stabby, knowing that someone else is going through the same thing. I’m even on Paxil to try and lessen the hots, and they’re still obnoxious.

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      1. Just had my five-year visit with my oncologist. She might recommend I stay on it for ANOTHER 10 years, as per the latest protocol. Hashtag stabby.

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  29. When I asked my doctor when the hot flashes/night sweats would stop (since I’m fully menopausal), his reply was, “I have 70 year old patients who still get them. Each woman is different.” Well thanks for that ray of sunshine.

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  31. Yes, hot flashes. I haven’t had a period since October, so I was excited about being in the 12-month countdown to menopause, but three days ago I got my period. Bummed. But the hot flashes have disappeared, so there’s that. For now. It’s puberty in reverse and almost as confusing.

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    1. I counted twelve period-free months then had one! That was annoying. But haven’t had one since and it’s been over a year.

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    3. Ooooh, Mel, doesn’t that make you stabby? I went 18 months without a period (helped by the stupid Tamoxifen I take for my breast cancer fmr, which I have gone on and on about how much I hate that medicine, and this is reason # 478). After 18 months, my periods come back with a vengeance. I want to bite someone! Also, I had terrible hot flashes during that whole 18 months and still have them.

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  33. I was going to save your post for the ride in the car. We are going to Philadelphia for two days of tests and doctor appointments. I have zero business being on here as we are not packed yet and I have to drop pur pup Scrappy off. He is staying with the waitress at the place where Michael eats lunch every day. He gets to sleep with her mom! $50.00 for two days. Sorry, it’s all about crazy me again. Great post, I will reread it and the comments in the car. My point, I have almost NO self control

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