Yore what, I’ll never know.

“Hey, June, can you proofread a deck by 2:00? It’s 80 pages.”

A deck is a presentation, usually a PowerPoint one, and there’s another of those two words squished into one with a capital letter in the middle that I like SoMuch.

And I don’t know where you’re from, I don’t know what kinda people you are, but from over here in JuneVille, you can’t proofread an 80-page deck in five hours minus lunch. And no, I don’t miss lunch because someone else didn’t plan things well.

And anyway, I can’t do it in five hours including lunch, either.

Nevertheless, I said, “Sure, I’ll try to, anyway!” and then I had the Brady Bunch suspense music in my head. Remember when things were tense on the BB, like when Marcia was building the card house? That was the music that was in my head.

What did people in the olden days do for reference? “Say, this is just like when Ezekiel dropped the molasses!”

For some reason, there was a lot of molasses in the days of yore. Yore what, I’ll never know.

So anyway, oh my god, did I proof the shit outta that presentation. And it was due at 2:00 because the people giving the presentation were getting on a plane, and they wanted it ready when they got on. It was a how-to-fly-a-plane presentation.

Bah.

So as snotty as I was, above, I did take the goddamn thing home and keep working on it during lunch, and then I just stayed there glued to the couch continuing on with it so I wouldn’t lose momentum, and then I had to have a giant email argument about coming to a meeting that I got asked to at the last minute and

NO

and finally? Finally? At 1:38, I finished it.

BOOM.

I mean, you have no idea what a miracle I pulled off, there, and I feel like people who’ve never proofread in their lives think it’s just, you know, reading.

It isn’t.

Oh, god, one of you asked me about copyediting via email or IM or something on the day of my last bad migraine (none yet since daith piercing last Sunday, by the way), and I said I’d get back to you when I wasn’t barfing and I never did. What you want to know? I think it was how to break in as a freelancer.

My experience was that I answered an ad in the paper (quaint) in 1997, took a proofreading test, got the job, and pretty much since then every job I’ve had I ended up freelancing for after.

Then sometimes people will say, “I know a copy editor!” in some setting where someone is looking for one, and I get freelance work that way. So that’s not much help, I know. I think I’d look for freelance jobs online, if I were starting now. That’s the only way I can think of to start out.

Anyway.

So, my deck. Let’s all get on my deck.

There it was, like 20 minutes before deadline and I loved myself. I checked spelling, checked for dreaded double spaces (no, Mildred, double spaces after a period are no longer correct, I mean, starch your pinafore and go ask Zeb about the time Ezekiel dropped the molasses. Good lord), and got ready to upload it onto this “Here’s where we exchange big files” site we use.

And it wouldn’t upload.

I mean, it wouldn’t. It just wouldn’t. And personal experience assures me that emailing something that big, as big as my big deck, would stay stuck in my outbox and never get there for all eternity. I’d have to buy it an eternity ring. Spritz on some Eternity cologne.

Anyway, this wasn’t good. So I

SCREAMED

back to work, and of course my normally six-minute commute was like 15, because construction and oh my god fuck all construction.

I was literally trying to upload that thing on my laptop in the car while I was at a standstill.

As soon as I got to work I just sat down in the first ideation space

{yes. we have them all over yonder so we can just plop down and…ideate. No, no one is allowed to say that word in front of me and I can’t believe I just said it my own self}

and just started trying to upload again. No one has tried to upload harder than I did at that moment.

Finally, one of the project manager type women, who probably all hate my hysterical self, told me to upload it to this other thing and thank god it worked and it was 1:58 and I was so glad and then I checked it just to make sure,

and it was the original version. I’D SPECIFICALLY DELETED THE ORIGINAL VERSION so I wouldn’t DO that and somehow that’s what happened. So I got the real version uploaded at 2:03, which to me is complete failure, so I dragged myself back to my desk, sweaty and dejected, only to have everyone on earth say,

“Where’s that article? I need that article proofed” and OH MY GOD. That whole presentation isn’t even for the account that I’m on, so my regularly scheduled work had suffered and you’d think my regularly scheduled work was doing episiotomies or something, so rabid was everyone for their work from me.

And while I did miss a deadline, an arbitrary one that just was sort of there to say get this done before it’s too late today, I got that done at 2:30 rather than 1:00, and then I met all the rest of my deadlines for the rest of the day, and when I got done at 5:00?

I had to go home and start freelancing.

Relaxing.

There is good news, though. Remember when Edsel ate Lottie? Me too. And you know how Edsel is sad anyway? Yeah.

So, there’s a Border Collie down the street who’s very well-behaved, and while I wish this guy wouldn’t fucking do this, my neighbor hangs with her off-leash in his yard. He knows to grab her when we walk by, because I’ve warned him about Edsel. But what I’ve noticed is if we stop and talk, that neighbor and I, that Edsel doesn’t lose his mind around that dog.

This confirms, or helps to anyway, what I’ve always suspected: Edsel is a tofu dog. He was calmer when calm Lu was here, and he was crazier when crazy Lottie was here. He picks up whatever the other dog is throwing down.

There’s a very tattooed, lean, gay dog trainer in my neighborhood, who owns approximately 49 rescued pits that he is forever walking past my house with, all walking right next to him and he’s amazing. Anyway, he’s a professional dog trainer, and we’ve gotten to know each other.

He came over last night, after I regaled him with the whole Edsel story, and as soon as he walked in, Edsel’s lipstick reached all new proportions. Seriously. That was some King Kamehameha lipstick.

I always said if I had a son I’d want a gay one. Wish. Granted.

The point is, the trainer guy said he thinks Edsel would do okay with a calm dog, and that he’d work with us to integrate a calm dog into our home.

00F0F_5qwPA6ZR2mD_600x450

I didn’t stampede out looking for calm dogs or anything the second he left. This is a Great Pyrenees mix girl who I might be going to visit. The trainer guy said he’d come with me to assess the energy of any dog I meet, to see if he thinks we could make it work with Eds.

“Edsel’s at a point in his life where he doesn’t want to play all the time,” the guy said, and the fact that Edsel is nearly 7 hadn’t really dawned on me. He’s, like, a mature dog. I still think of him as a young boy, what with his love for video games and gay porn.

So. Further reports as developments warrant, but I’m totally thinking she looks like a Zelda. Right? Or Raquel. She might be a Raquel.

Oh my god, now I’m late for work and why does everything have to be the Brady Bunch suspense music all the time up in here?

They should have another show called The Brandy Bunch about a lot of drunks or even slightly trashy women named Brandy.

June. Driving away readers named Brandy since…oh, you know the rest.

P.S. Helen! She might be a Helen.

47 thoughts on “Yore what, I’ll never know.

  1. How large do Great Pyrenees dogs get? You may have to take out a loan to buy dog food! (I know my lab mix eats like a horse. I’m forever buying food. I love lugging 40 pound bags of food home.)

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    1. As the surprised owner of two (over 100 lb) beasts – they were estimated at 50 to 60 lbs each, I completely agree with you. Something a bit smaller than Edsel would be easier to care for. There is a reason they call them GREAT Pyrenees, Dane, etc!

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    2. I’m not sure about Great Pyrenees dogs but we have a 150lb Great Dane and he eats about 70lbs of food a month. We feed him ten cups a day, split into two meals.

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  2. Oh, the Brady Bunch music was playing when I was reading this! That uploading business went past the Brady Bunch and into some suspenseful movie music where the bomb was going to go off and they were snipping each wire as it counted down.

    So glad that there have been NO MIGRAINES since your piercing! That is awesome.

    A calm dog named Helen. Perfect.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. HELEN! Edsel is a tofu dog! Construction traffic, just come to Atlanta, oh my goodness. The interstate has reopened and I drove over it yesterday. Bridge did not fall again. In fact, the traffic was moving very well through Atlanta, which is a rare thing. I will always put two spaces after a period. That is the way I learned to type. Sorry. Old dogs… I would have been a wreck when that document didn’t up/download, which ever way they load. Now, you have stressed Paula with the running late.

    Super good news about no migraines since the piercing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. GPs get HUGE but are lovable and wonderful.

    Also, Brandy was a fine girl, what a good wife she would be.

    Also, I was able to use “Further reports as developments warrant,” in a work email the other day and thought lovingly of June.

    Also, I am guessing that starting four different, one-sentence paragraphs, is annoying AF.

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    1. Don’t you think that GPs in general are pretty chill? I have a gf who has had two – a male and a female – and they were both very calm and polite. The female is quite the lady and never does anything undignified. In fact, I’ve actually seen her be embarrassed if she did something unladylike by accident.

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  5. Why does shit post before I’m done?? Irks.

    Anyway. I feel you on the proofing. And no, it isn’t just reading. Grrrr… But so, Congrats on the deck deadline met and demolished. I bow before you.

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  6. I wish I had your job. I wish I could totally change career paths and to be a writer/copy editor/editor. Although hey, the way things are going in healthcare of these days I might not actually have a job for much longer so maybe this is a possibility after all.

    She definitely looks like a Zelda to me.

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  7. I love Helen. Any mix with Great Pyrenees is a good mix. Millie is a Pyrenees/Dane mix & she’s a couch potato.

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  8. I could feel my pulse quicken as I read about your looooooming deadlines!
    I’m glad to hear you met a well-behaved border collie. I was the owner of one for 12 years, and though I never stopped trying, she was not well-behaved. On a good day she was medium-rare behaved. People would sometimes comment on her jumpy barky self and we would say, “You should have seen her before her training classes. We’re SUPER PROUD of her.” Those dogs are very smart and busy and frankly, need employment.

    Lovely post, June!

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    1. Our neighbors with gorgeous border collie Linda live about a mile away as a crow flies. Linda leaves her yard several times a year looking for employment. We put her to work herding the rider mower while husband mows two acres. It takes four hours straight to do the job. My job is to bring out the bucket of cold water for Linda to drink from but Linda is most committed to her job and only reluctantly drinks the water and only very quickly and then just as quickly runs back to herding the mower again and keeping it in line. I swear that dog is smiling the whole time she is working. I know the owners would give her up to us in a New York minute but border collies need work and we don’t have what she needs. And I completely agree, border collies are very, very smart, I think they’re one of the smartest dog breeds if I can remember right. OH, I just remembered this. One time husband had to veer around something in the middle of the field, so his mowing lines weren’t straight for a few runs. Oh Linda, my how that just irked her to no end and when they would come up to the object, she would move in real close to the mower and bark to husband to stay straight! Super smart dog is what she is!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, my great-nephew needs Linda when he mows my yard! He mows like a drunken sailor.
        A friend of my sister told us a great story about her Border Collie and how she always herded the friend’s kids and their friends when there was a big group of them at the house. She’d have to put her pup in the house if the kids were running around outside, because the pup would wear herself out, trying to keep the kids contained.

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  9. I’m Helen and not calm at all. Well, maybe on the outside I appear calm and maybe when there’s a crisis I act calm, but pretty much I’m a stressball 24/7 on the inside.

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  10. There is nothing calmer than a rescued/retired Greyhound. But there is the whole GATE/FENCE issue, and having to ALWAYS ALWAYS be on leash.

    Dammit. I just had a dog name this morning. ……. Oh. Ramon. No, that won’t work for a girl. Ramona? Feh. Too RHoNYish.

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  11. I cannot stop with the 2 spaces after a period thing- it has been ingrained in me practically since birth. My sister is in communications and she’s been after me to stop but I JUST CAN’T QUIT YOU!

    I love that dog. LOVE HER. She’d get enormous but oh my goodness she’s a cute little puppywuppy right now.

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  12. That puppy is so cute. I can’t have pets but live vicariously through you.
    I also love that you got your piercing in the middle of your migraine study. Do they tell you at the end if you were control or active?
    Lovely post. Lovely,June

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  13. I can see why Kodak safety film was used for those header head shots, because smokin’ hot, June.
    I was itchy, reading about the deadline.
    Dareth we say the daith piercing is working? What a ginormous relief for you.
    Oh Zelda, you giant muffin head.

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  14. Look at you making your deadlines. I would have been a nervous wreck, especially, when the corrections wouldn’t upload. You would have heard me cussing several states away.

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  15. I totally feel everyone on the 2 spaces after a period, I want to stop but it is such a habit. Our one dog is part collie and yes, he is very smart but he uses all his smarts for evil and escaping our fenced in yard. Although now he is in his golden years and is pretty calm but thinks he DESERVES whatever we are eating. He will beg with no shame which is something he never did and he can open the cupboard where the garbage is and has himself a feast every so often when something really stinky and of course liquidy is in there.

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  16. Ack! Two spaces after a period! Must have two spaces after a period! I think two spaces gives my eyes a little rest when I’m reading text. Otherwise, the words are practically on top of one another. (Stop that pushing, you letters! I’ll give you a two space area.)

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    1. I know, right? I feel like the sentences are all squished together too. I try to do the 1 space thing now, but I am not happy about it.

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  17. I went to second grade with a girl named Candy Cane. Her real name. Even if she is married now, she’d have to stay away from certain last named partners, like Mr. Mann, or Mr. Storr or Mr. Barr.

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    1. TOFU DOG. My thoughts exactly! 😀

      And re: two spaces after a period – isn’t that from the typewriter era? (and no, I’m not being snarky, I used them in my youth) Also I vote for Zelda.

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  18. People use to have to go outside to pee and now they use indoor plumbing. Just because it used to be that way doesn’t mean it has to be now. So STOP with the double spaces after periods. And random capitalization. Both of those irk me daily in submitted copy.

    That puppy needs held and smooched on the head for hours. Look at that sweet face!

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  19. She is a Zelda or a Zoey or maybe a Stella. I hate when someone else makes their emergency your emergency. I can not stop putting two spaces after a period. It just seems wrong and Mrs. DuValle will rise up out of the grave and mark all over my post with her red wax pencil. Also you gave me an ear worm which would not get out of my head during my meeting this morning.

    And there’s a girl in this harbor town
    And she works layin’ whiskey down
    They say “Brandy, fetch another round”
    She serves them whiskey and wine

    The sailors say “Brandy, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
    “What a good wife you would be” (such a fine girl)
    “Yeah your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea”

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  20. I, too, am a two spacer. Can’t quit. Too old to change.

    My boss is big one for demanding I stop what I’m doing and handle his emergency immediately. Irks. And stresses me out.

    That is one cute pup.

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  21. I love that puppy. I’m a Mastiff person, so she’s got my vote. I have a male Mastiff/Great Dane mix and a female English Mastiff. The E. Mastiff is still growing so she gets more than the mixed breed, who is always going to be the largest of the two. He’s probably in the 160# range. She’s probably 115# now. The smaller female gets 3 cups of kibble in the a.m. and another 3 cups in the p.m. The larger male mix only gets 2 cups in the a.m. and another 2 cups in the p.m. I don’t think that’s so much. They both are in good shape, neither fat nor thin. I would never feed the amounts the dog food bag says. In my opinion, that would just make more poop and maybe they’d be too fat. And yes, I use two spaces after a period. I’m retired and do as I like as often as I can.

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  22. Oh my God! There’s not 2 spaces after a period anymore? I am verklempt. I retired early, a year ago February and at that time I still did 2 spaces after said period and secretly scoffed at my “boss” for not leaving the 2 spaces in his drafts. I guess I’m the fool. Glad I’m retired!!!

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  23. Was there actual words in that post aside from the puppy picture? She looks like she’s got Rottweiler eye brows but I can find Rottie in nearly any dog, committed to the breed we are. We have one smart beast (Rott) and one “special” Coonhound who I think could be intelligent if she wanted to but declines because life is pretty easy as long as the food bowl and door opening happens. Zelda seems to fit that face!

    Seriously, lovely post although I was stressed out for you and glad it ended well enough. No good deed goes unpunished, especially when it throws the rest of your day’s schedule off. You’re pretty.

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  24. I feel so guilty now…

    P.S. – Do I really need to stop using double spaces after periods? I like the double spaces. 😦

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