It was the 3rd of June, another sleepy dusty Delta day. Volume XVIIIX934X

I’m only writing at you because it’s our day.

A few years back, when I sat next to my boss, fmr., he and I got into one of our 408-minute discussions about Things That Didn’t Matter and gee, I wonder why they split us up. That day, the discussion centered on what did Billy Jo McAllister toss off that bridge?

The day some years ago where my boss, fmr., and I had this discussion (he does NOT think they threw a baby off, and everyone knows they threw a baby off), I blogged about said discussion and we all got extremely obsessed with every nuance of this ridik song. It sort of became The Official Song® of Book of June. Or Bye Bye, Pie. Whatever.

Pass the biscuits, please.

I even went so far as to rent the Ode to Billy Joe movie, starring that lothario Robbie Benson, which if you wondered how, exactly, to waste an evening on things you shouldn’t, there’s your answer. Although any time you can see Robbie Benson in the throes of homoerotic guilt is a good time.

Speaking of homos, my ex-boyfriend Ned–who is, in fact, the straightest ex I have, if you were gonna put them on a spectrum, but it was a funny segue and I used it–is looking for a new home and/or is gonna buy our house, fmr. He was obsessing over it, as per usual, last night, when I went over there, because you should really hang out with your ex a lot. The experts recommend it.

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eet gurl brayn
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NedKittee hayte. it a strong wurd. it the rite wurd.

Anyway, this morning I looked on craigslist and found a most cute house for rent right in his neighborhood. “Have you looked on craigslist, Ned?” I asked him, and that is how Ned got me to just jump in his car, in my tank top that I’d slept in, and drive past the house with him. It’s perfect. Built in the ’20s, it’s a little bungalow with a fireplace, just the right size for a commitmentphobe. It’s commitmentphobarrific!

He spoke to the owner already, and if my schedule permits Ima look at it with him. I have a party later today. One of the Alexes at work, whose name is actually Alex, is having a Yay, I’m a Citizen! party today, as she is, you know, now a citizen. She’s British. Well, she was. She picked a fine time to join this country, Lucille. Things are going well.

Other than that, I don’t have much going on this weekend, seeing as I STILL DON’T HAVE AN ATM CARD. My gym membership–and thank god I have that, cause you’re sick of hearing about my gym activities–is due, but they can’t take out the money because card is frozen. So last night after work I drove over there to pay it with a check like I’m 109.

I noted the gym isn’t that busy on a Friday at 5:30, and I thought, hunh. Here’d be a time to go. Then I went home and napped on the couch with my mouth open for, like, two hours.

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Speaking of beings who are useful, after my important nap last night, I came in here to write on Facebook or something–who can remember all my whirlwind activities–and there was Iris standing in the empty litter box. Perhaps you’re wondering about the fine art installation I’ve created with the litter box and the mop and so on. I was cleaning the laundry room floor so I moved everything outta there. Like, 11 days ago. And those things are still not put away.

Oh. hang on.

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Just so Faithful Reader Paula won’t get a hive. That towel stays there, for feets. Mud-filled feets.

Perhaps you’re wondering why the dark dingy part near the bottom of my wall, there. There was a fire here, once. Way back before this house was mine. The doggone house is mine. This gay couple lived here, and I only tell you that because my pal The Naughty Professor knew them, not that he’s only allowed to know gay people because if that’s the case then I need to get on the poontang, pronto.

Hey, mom. Yeah, nothing much. You?

ANYWAY, the fire started right there. Christmas lights. That’s what set on fire. I gotta paint those bricks white again and also the rest of this room…some other color. I tried yellow and I kind of like it, but my mother says to paint this room the same blue as my living room, as kind of a continuation. Lemme show you the view I am thinking of when I consider the color to paint the wall in here. I want it to look good with the blue, the brown, and then the…?

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See? You can see where I put a little yellow up last weekend, and I like it, and I guess that’s what matters, as it’s my damn house. But what do you think of the idea of blue? The floors are blue and cream tiles, like those old ’60s tiles you’d put in a basement. We added those, cause we’re weird.

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Speaking of things no one’s gonna like but me, my Frida Kahlo shower curtain arrived and man does it take up my small bathroom and I adore it. Frida’s gonna watch me poop. Woooo!

I gotta go. I went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me? He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do. But he’s a fool.

No.

He told me I had to (brace yourself) lose weight or else go on cholesterol-lowering drugs. “I’ll lose the weight,” I said, this week’s pudding post aside. “Will you?” he asked. “Because most people say they will and don’t.”

Oh. Oh! Now it’s ON, motherfucker.

So what I did so far was walk Edsel twice a day, briskly, instead of once. Also, I try to walk twice at work but I can’t always fit two walks in because work expects me to work, and I am sure.

Then the other thing I’ve done is drink shit tons of water. I drink tons of it now. I try to drink 16 oz before I even get to work.

Other than that, I’ve not had any fast food. Okay, I’ve not had much fast food. And that’s really all I’ve done so far and I’ve lost three pounds and 6 ounces in two weeks. Okay, I know. But still.

Now this week I have some new things Ima throw in, like even less alcohol. Oh, right, yeah, I’m not drinking during the week. Now I’m so used to it that a few weekend nights have rolled around and I’ll be all, eh. I don’t even feel like drinking. So I’m doing that too. And now I’m considering making it a rule, like only ONE night a week.

I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted. But I’ll tell you what: That doctor got me motivated.

I have to go. Ima do my awful high-intensity training, and then head over to Alex’s partay. Maybe the whole time I’m there I should regale her and ALL her guests with Comin’ to America by Neil Diamond.

Today!

Today!

…Today!

35 thoughts on “It was the 3rd of June, another sleepy dusty Delta day. Volume XVIIIX934X

  1. Oh how many song references? And I knew them! At first I thought you were going to say that Alex is having a party because she’s leaving the company. As all of the Alexs end up doing. So yes, welcome to America. You get to vote next time, Alex. Won’t that be fun?

    The rental sounds like a good idea for Ned.

    I grabbed my chest and yelled, “I’m coming Elizabeth!” (Thanks PH&B for the memory) when the conversation of PAINT came up. Oh my freaking, slap me with a liver, gawd. However, yellow.

    Pass the biscuits…I mean wine, please.

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  2. Poor NedKitty! He’s looking really frail. Good luck to Ned on making a decision in this decade. Hah, hah hah! ( It is nice of you to help him. ) You are a pleasure of life, June
    !

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  3. I vote for blue in the room but I am obsessed with blues and greens so by no means impartial.
    If you can control stuff without medications it’s a great thing. You’ll have more money for fun stuff says the woman who wishes she bought Satan’s minions drug company stock a long time ago.

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  4. I wonder if somewhere out in there Bobbie Gentry is reading this blog/site and sucking on her teeth in sheer delight. I think she’d be so down on your poontang is what I’m saying.

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  5. There is so much to be bitter about in this post. But mostly bitter about the fact that I am 109 and write checks constantly. And then, as you all know, I mail them. In a mailbox. With stamps. My inheritance of stamps from my departed mother. So, not only one stamp, but 2929530 to amount to 49 cents. Which, for all you people, is the amount that you have to put on an envelope. Also bitter about the fact you are losing weight. Apparently, the world needs to be balanced, because I have gained 3 pounds, 6 ounces in the last 2 weeks. So stop losing weight because you are making me fat.

    I shall be going over a bridge today and will throw something off it, just to commemorate this important holiday at BofJ.

    I really want to take a tweezer to that shower curtain. And if you want to change it up with something else, I know where you can get a fabulous shower curtain of people doing 69 (do people “do” 69) on a slice of pizza. Not kidding.

    Thank you for taking time out of your day to post. And congratulations to Alex, who left Brexit and entered Hell.

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  6. I would just like to say for the record, that I think that this whole losing weight to lower your cholesterol thing is bullshit. I think it’s 99% genetics, and yes I will tell you why. It’s because I weigh 250 pounds, and I just had blood work done, and my cholesterol is 154. So. I feel like weight and cholesterol really do not have that much in common.

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    1. I couldn’t agree more. I was first diagnosed with it when I weighted 116 pounds. But both my parents had high cholesterol. So, genetics.

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  7. I really like the yellow, too.
    Weight loss, at 52, is no easy task. And, I’ve found that I’ll lose it then gain it right back for no reason. I haven’t had a doctor challenge me, yet, but I also haven’t had a checkup in two years. And two years plus menopause equals a lot of weight gained.

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  8. “Okay, I’ve not had much fast food.” [Snort laughing.] My doctor put me on (non-flush) Niacin 500 mg with each meal. My cholesterol dropped 20 points, my husband’s dropped 41 points. It’s not expensive and worth trying before doing cholesterol-lowering drugs. This is not advice, this is what my doctor told us.

    Poor Ned Kitty looks really fragile. I love your three. That yellow would be nice in the back room, but that blue is lovely. Ned’s stress level would probably drop of he rents, but what happens if that landlord wants to sell that house? But buying a house is a big commitment and a huge decision. Hee.

    My morning consisted of helping my husband clean out the attic of his workshop! Lots of fun having to walk all hunched over, plus I swept up a dead bat. Whee! Now we can actually walk up there, but my back is hurting, bad.

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  9. Oh my gosh I am so happy you’re back! Yay!

    I’m on the constant stress and horrible things keep happening to me diet. It is awful and wonderful at same time. Today I ate bacon, eggs, and ice cream…and I’m positively gaunt. Friends and my health care team (you know bad when health requires a team) are all a tizzy about my happening cheekbones. And I’m smug because all I eat is crap since that is what life serves me. Who knew crap makes you gaunt? It’s so effing awesome. Like, my gauntness is my revenge on my life.

    And my cholesterol is great! I think everything is genes and luck…from cholesterol to life. But ya gotta have both the good luck and the good genes or yer screwed.

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  10. Nedkitty still has some spunk!! I really like the yellow in that room, but then the walls in my home are yellow so I might be a bit biased. As for the cholesterol, i also believe it is genetic. As someone who has worked in the medical field and has also had a deep discussion with a doctor about statin drugs, do not use statins! The side effects are horrible and long-term. My provider recommends Red Yeast Rice, found in the vitamin aisle, and prescription Cholestid, an original medication used before statin drugs came on the market. Not that you wanted advice from me or anyone else, but I’m throwing it all out there because I care!

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  11. It was a rag doll they tossed off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Well, according to the movie which was based on a book that was based on the song. Or was it Song then Movie then Book? I can’t keep track. Anyhoo, it’s a great Southern Gothic song. And also too, did the narrator ever have a name?

    I don’t even want to talk about weight and diet and fast food. When Del Taco discontinued their Bacon & Egg Quesadillas back in April, I said “Adios, Motherfuckers!” to them. Yet I haven’t lost any weight. It can’t be because I’ve discovered the Glory of Mega Stuf (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) Oreos. They are my new Crack.

    That picture of the cats kills me. Lily is SO pretty! And Eyeriss looks like she’s in a little boat. And you are very, very brave to turn your back on NedKitty, who looks as if she’s ready to slit your throat.

    Personally, I love that blue better than the yellow. We painted our walls a soft yellow and it looked really good and we hated it. It was just blah. But we kept it for a few years because neither of us wanted to paint again.

    I need to go and throw flowers into the muddy waters off the (not) Tallahatchie Bridge. I just have to find a bridge. Where’s that confounding bridge?

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      1. Oh my God! It really was horribly written, wasn’t it? Absolutely cringe-worthy. And also too, I really have to check out more of that blog.

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  12. I accidentally hit the zoom button on my computer which caused June’s face to be 400 stories tall. It was like the attack of the 400 X Zoom Woman! I digress. I came here to say, that song was and is one of my favorite songs. I remember me and my friends being convinced that they were throwing a baby off the bridge and then Mrs. Winkle said it was flowers. NOOOOOO!!!! It wasn’t flowers. It was a baby. I just know it. Also and too who wants to eat lunch with that family? I mean it’s more than a meat and three it’s biscuits too. And I bet they are those light flaky home-made biscuits. Which of course does nothing good at all for my cholesterol which is over 350 and no I’m not on medication. I need to loose 20 lbs but my body won’t let go of it. I literally eat shoots and leaves, drink nothing but lemon water and walk every single day in my everyday shoes. So whatever you are doing to lose the weight please let me know and I will do it with you.

    Please paint the room yellow or as they say in my neck of the woods, yeller.

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  13. Seeing NedKitty is bittersweet. Bless her little heart. I really was kind of rooting for Ned to buy the house. Also? Paint the room either blue or Yellow. Your choice.

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  14. The yellow is pretty and I would think it would help to uplift that back room more so than the blue. NedKitty looks good for being on her last tooth. I guess if Ned really resists purchasing anything at this time, the new, cute, (and equally vintage) house sounds perfect! Also perfect for a black kitten, too!

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  15. I just had to listen to that song again. Creepy statues sitting around that table. Of course it was a baby. Did they show it in the movie?

    NedKitty is so cute. I am sad that she is old and frail. I bet she was happy to eat your hair again.

    I am impressed with your motivation! Go June!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  16. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to write at us. Ned Kitty is looking pretty frail. The bungalow sounds cute. I hope you remembered to take pictures. That shower curtain is going to give me nightmares.

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  17. I just saw Neil Diamond at his 50th anniversary tour last night in Detroit! In memory of my mother, who I took 2 years ago when he was last in town. He’s still rockin’ and sounds great.

    I think the yellow looks good, too. You don’t have to be matchy-matchy on everything, and those 3 colors go nicely together, visually. And it matches the tiles and you like it.

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  18. I had a biscuit in your honor today. And I like the yellow. I hope the new rental works for Ned if that’s what he wants. Thanks for coming back, June. FB is great, but it’s nothing like your fabulous stream-of-consciousness posts. I’ve missed them.

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  19. Am just now recovering from The Hive.

    I like the yellow. I would also maybe suggest a sage green. But! Come to my house and see the World of Beige, so maybe don’t listen to me about decor. (And my house isn’t so much beige as coffee. With two sugars and cream.)

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  20. Ode to Billy Joe was the first song by a woman singer that I could sing along with. I have a deep voice and can never hit those damn high pitched things like Olivia Newton John, etc. Plus our elementary school music teacher taught it to us, along with Something Stupid, Frankie and Johnny. She was on a roll with the 60s.

    I love the yellow, it’s bright and cheery and nice for the back of the house. I have been considering changing my main wall color to a antique gold/yellow color. But then I would have to move all the crap, furniture, paintings, etc. That seems like a ton of trouble, doesn’t it?

    Mr. No Decisions Ned should think long term and decide to buy the house from the gaylords and then he won’t ever have to make that decision again. If he moves and rents, he has to make a decision annually when the lease comes up again. That way he can save all his decision angst on whether to order that goddam good fish or the goddam good salad.

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  21. It’s funny Nedkitty still eats your hair! I was SO HAPPY when I saw that you’ve posted again!!! I love reading your not blog.

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  22. Since you asked,yellow.
    Another thought on Ned’s surprise kitty’s name…..the dark side of the June. Delightful , entertaining and fun…June’s dark side.
    You are good for Ned. I do believe he will see that and reform. You are too good to miss. He has to realize that fact somewhere in his brain.

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