One day God said, “Your Christmases were too great, Only Child,” and he invented the open floor plan

Several weeks ago–in fact, lemme look at the invoice…A MONTH AGO TODAY, I gave $244.82 to a dishwasher repairman who said I had to give him that much, he’d order the part, and I could pay him the remaining $87.50 when he returned.

I still don’t have the part, as he has not returned. He was not Daniel Day Lewis in that one movie.

He finally called me week before last and apologized, and said his wife told him he had to take a vacation with her last week or she’d leave him, and that he’d have the part to me this week. Is it not Wednesday? Is it not? Actually I have no idea. Is it Tuesday?

I just looked. Okay, it’s only Tuesday, but I’d better hear from him today or there will be HELL TO PAY. I’ll go all my-grandmother on his ass. The dishwasher was broken for a long time before I even called. I YouTubed it and tried to fix it myself. That worked.

The point is, I been doing dishes by hand since God was a child. It’ll be exciting to have a dishwasher again. I considered since it was already gonna be more than $300 to fix (it’s the motor)

(MOTORIN’! WHAT’S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT?)

I considered just buying a goddamn new one, but with installation and delivery it wouldn’t really be worth it, and also if you think I just have $500 lying around you need the professionals to come in with the net.

Hey, June, why don’t you discuss your dishwasher repair some more? Wait, let me get more coffee.

In case you’ve been on tenterhooks since yesterday, I did get that deck copyedited yesterday before 10:00, because I am amazing. Then I had 87 due-today things to edit and lo, there was great annoyance in the land. Also, I seriously don’t know how to get people to stop talking to me. Not looking at them when they walk by doesn’t work. Headphones and frown? Useless.

I don’t know if it’s everyone or just my personality type (see: bitchy) but being…EXPOSED all day long in the open floor plan is like to drive me insane.

The other day it was slow, so I idly got on Expedia to see if I could fly home this summer.

“WHERE YOU GOING?”

“YOU GOING ON A TRIP?”

“OH, LOOK AT JUNE! NOT WORKING! LOOKING AT EXPEDIA!”

Seriously, in the first 30 seconds of me looking, three people had to chime in. Ima make a point of every day going on my computer and looking up something intensely personal.

Why Is It Chafing Dot Com.

How to Have Multiple Orgasms at Your Desk

How to Tell Your Super-Religious Work Neighbor That You Have a Lesbian Crush

“WHO YOU GOT A LESBIAN CRUSH ON, JUNE? HEY, EVERYONE! JUNE HAS A CRUSH! ON A GIRL!”

Open floor plans the scourge of only children.

Here’s the thing that really kills me: Everyone who decided an open floor plan would be the shit? Has an office.

Anyway. So I got all my goddamn work done, and at 3:00 I went on my (wait for it) 3:00 walk with a bunch of dudes, all of whom are sort of metro, and once they all got together it was a metro free-for-all.

“Oh, are those Whoo Deee Hooo Doo pants?”

“Dude, I wait for the days you wear that shirt.”

“Have y’all gone on I’mNotGayIJustLikeClothes dot com?”

It was amazing. They were worse than me at Sephora. Well. No one’s worse than me at Sephora. Do you know what I’m sick of? People telling you where their happy place is, as if it’s not their clitoris. I just really don’t wanna hear “happy place” any longer. I also don’t want to hear you say, “Rinse. Repeat” when you’re trying to say “do this repetitively.”

No one even rinses and repeats anymore, anyway. It seems like shampoo has gone the way of bread. We were all supposed to love both, and now you brag about how long you’ve gone without either. “Oh, I NEVER shampoo! Like, once a year! Won’t you enjoy my homeless hair?”

Or wait, is not shampooing just a thing we curly women are into? I just shampooed this morning, actually, but with my eleven thousand dollar curly haired special no-lather shampoo, so really, how shampooed am I?

Say shampoo one more time.

I gotta go, because it’s already late and I have no idea why. Must’ve been the shampooing.

I leave you with pictures me me tormenting Steely Dan last night, who, let’s face it, richly deserves it.

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The glare the inspired me to bug his punk ass
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schtop
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do steeeleee look pretteee? no need to anser. it a given.
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okaaa, now you kind of bug
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hafff stop playeeng. you note SD stop playeeng?
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now mom dye

Okay, gotta go to work. Rinse, repeat. Oh, fuck off.

Luff JUNE

39 thoughts on “One day God said, “Your Christmases were too great, Only Child,” and he invented the open floor plan

  1. I suspect your dishwasher guy has run off with my mulch guy. I’m very upset that I left this mulch situation in my husband’s hands, old Mr. Nice Guy. I’d be on that damn phone every (sunny. ok, non-rainy) day nagging, bugging and rapidly escalating to Incessant Pain In The Ass. I would be a regular June’s-Grandmother-She’s-Totally-Becoming, Evelyn. I might be hated, but I’d have my damn mulch.

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  2. OMG, those open floor plans are straight from hell! (And does it need a hyphen? “open-floor plan?” I wanna stick one there but just not sure. Ponder that.
    BTW, my man “Vito” says his happy place is definitely not his clitoris. When I read your posts to him out loud, he usually just shakes his head. But today, you got a comment out of him!

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    1. Meant to be helpful and not snarky: no hyphen needed. Open is modifying floor plan. (Not open floor modifying plan.) Hopefully that makes sense. Also, it’d be the coolest if Vito’s happy place was YOUR clitoris. Because…that.

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  3. I work in an open floor office, too. I made a sign to put on my desk that says, “PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB. No, Really. Love, Susan”
    That Steely Dan. I love him.

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  4. I think SDS is going to just keep growing to bobcat size. He doesn’t seem to have the potential to be an average cat!

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  5. You could be the Les Nessman of the office and put tape around you desk with an imaginary door and make everyone knock first. Oh, wait. That would also be annoying. “Knock, knock, knock. Hi, June, whatcha doing? Looking for flights? Where are you going? Did I tell you about my last vacation? Hey, everyone, June’s planning a trip.”

    Never mind. You do live in office hell.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. you are singing my song. holy cats i hate the open floor plan. i have learned to put this huge headphones on and whether or not i can hear you i will ignore the crap out of you.

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  7. Haha that song – my kids have a teacher at the school named Mr. Christian, and oh how I’d annoy them again and again by singing “MIST-ER CHRIS-TIAN OH THE TIME HAS COME….” My kids, clearly think I am hilarious.

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  8. I have a 24″ bar light that is a neon tube bent in the shape of a pink flamingo. Do you think if you turned that on you could get it to communicate “Leave me the hell alone or I will bird shit all over your desk”? I mean once you explained 50 thousand times what it means. I didn’t think so.

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  9. “Have y’all gone on I’mNotGayIJustLikeClothes dot com?” Dead.

    As a fellow curly haired person, I only shampoo once per week or every other week and co-wash all the other times. Per my deva cut stylist, that’s what I’m supposed to do. Thank goodness, because that curly hair shampoo IS freaking expensive. If you ever come to Atlanta, give me enough heads up and I can get you in with her. People come from out of state to have her cut their hair. It’s ridiculously expensive. On the 25th I’m having highlights done and she colors each curl individually. I’m turning into Gwyneth Paltrow, Jr., aren’t I?

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  10. I have an open cubicle so that is better than no walls at all. But I can still hear every phone call, sneeze, humming, and bag of Cheetos being devoured all day long. But at least I have a job! How did you acquire Steely Dan? I forgot because it seems he’s been here forever.

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    1. If my reference to the Big Book of June Events is correct, I think she got him from a couple of gay guys that needed a home for SD. Someone PLEASE correct me if I’m wrong.

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  11. The Google searches. The happy place. Plunk plunk plunk plunk. Plunk. That’s me writhing from laughter and then finally dying. Classic June Gardens.

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  12. Years ago, I worked as a receptionist and to get from one department to another, you had to pass through the lobby area. Everyone always had to stop and hang out at my desk and find out what was going on in the Land of the Switchboard, whether I liked it or not. “Hey, Kel; whatcha doing? Get any good calls lately? How ’bout that FedEx guy? Ooh, the mail’s here. Anything interesting? What are you working on right now? What did you do last weekend? What about this weekend? Oh, I’ll let you take that call.” Didn’t matter that they had just passed through 15 minutes earlier. Same questions every time. Drove me nuts.

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  13. I didn’t know dishwashers were so expensive so hope the repairman reappears with your motor, otherwise maybe you could send SD and those claws after him.

    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  14. SD the Enforcer! Faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!

    If even Steeleee can’t keep chatty co-workers away from your desk, maybe wear big headphones and a hazmat suit?

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  15. I tried the Deva No-poo shampoo and I just could not like it. I’m okay with the Deva Low-poo, though. Except for the price. Man, that shit is expensive! Never did I think I would ever spend that much money on shampoo and conditioner. Thank God I only wash my hair every 2 to 3 days.

    Also, I’d be a little concerned about the dishwasher guy. When a tradesman asks for 3/4 of the amount up front and then disappears for a month and then claims his wife said she’d leave him if he didn’t go on vacation with her, yeah, that’s not sketchy at all. Oh. Wait. Sadly, it’s not uncommon for tradesmen to ask for payment up front and then that money goes into their own pocket or they use it to pay for another job and not yours. Then they have to get someone else to pay upfront for a job so they can pay for yours. It’s the construction version of a Ponzi scheme.

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  16. Hilarious post. It might be good that you are repairing your dishwasher, because all the new stuff we have purchased lately (dishwasher, kitchen faucet, etc.) are not as good as the old stuff being replaced. I really, really miss my old Bosch dishwasher, if they could have found a part for it I would still have it. I agree with yetanotherkelly up there, paying a repairman up front is taking a chance you may never see them again. If they buy materials for a project or repair on your home and they don’t pay for it, then the supplier can put a lien on your home. That’s why we always make the construction person provide us an invoice where they have paid for the materials. I have trust issues.

    Open floor plans are from hell! Even with cubicles you can hear all the conversations, smell all the perfume, hear or smell all the snacking, it’s terrible. I used to put up a DO NOT DISTURB sign across the door of my cubicle and it didn’t stop interruptions.

    I love SD.

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  17. I hate open floor plan everything. I have no idea why people would want it in their house. I watch lots of HGTV shows and when prospective buyers or remodelers say they want an open floor plan so they can see the kids from the kitchen or connect with the family, I think ‘F that, I go in the kitchen to hide.” And don’t even get me started on room for entertaining. Why would I want people at my house?
    Steely Dan is not real, he’s a robot, or an alien in a costume like on Men in Black. No cat is that gorgeous.

    I want to join your 3 o’clock walk.

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    1. Open floor plans suck. Those assholes on HGTV who choose a 1920s bungalow for the character and then want to rip out all the walls make me want to go postal on their stupid asses. Walls, people, have them, use them.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I do not do well in open floor plans. They make me depressed. Like, for real. There have been studies that prove they are not working as intended so I don’t understand why they don’t be more sensitive to introverts and stop torturing us. I’m very very social and will chat with you at lunch or while getting coffee but then I just need to go do my work without a billion people in my line of sight or being forced to listen to conversations all around me. Can you tell this is a hot button for me?

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  19. I’m so glad you are back. You’re better than ever or else your life and experiences are getting more interesting. Thanks for taking the time to bring your interesting life into our lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Open concept is just not a good idea. I think each room should stand on it’s own. My own mother got herself a big house after the last one left the nest and it is all open on to itself and even open to the upstairs. And she is the most sensitive-to-sound person in the world. Why would she do that to herself? Now, every time we are all there it sounds like a herd of elephants parading around upstairs and it reverberates all over the downstairs and she gets real snippy real quick.

    I do like walls. Where else are you going to hang art?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I am so grateful for the week I did a “Who’s Your Favourite Blogger? Besides Me” on my blog with five of my favourite bloggers, and one of them told me about you. You’re a laugh a minute, June, and I love writers who post every day. Nothing if not reliable, lady! I am never disappointed.

    I hate the word “blog” too, but at least everyone knows what it means.

    My 24-year-old son and I were talking about words that are used for common subjects, but for no good reason we could think of. Like “box,” for vaginas. Why? he wondered. Why on earth would it be called that?

    At least “blog” makes sense!

    xo
    Kate

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  22. I needed my inhaler after reading today’s post because I was laughing so hard!! My husband joined me in the laughter … this was one of your best posts!

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  23. Look at you there lounging in WHITE pants with nary a bump, lump or dimple. Yes, June, I hate you!! In spite of being green with envy, I will say that you look fantastic!

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  24. I think you should always have a screen up at work that you can switch over to, with either “Is Tuberculosis Contagious?” or “How to Kill Nosy Coworkers and Get Away With It” on Google.

    SD is so cute. My grey cat, Olivia, always has to be right beside me and touching me too, but gives me the same disapproving look. That prompts me to annoy her too. Gee, wonder why I am bitten by my cats every day?

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  25. Homeless hair – that killed me. I missed this post last week somehow, so now it’s like Christmas in July. No, it isn’t. I can’t think of the right analogy, though. Seriously, though, how many dirty dishes do you have? If I lived alone, I would just use a mess kit to eat out of each day and then rinse it off. If I lived alone, I WOULD NEVER DO DISHES AGAIN. Our less-than-2-years-old dishwasher broke, back in 2009, and I spent 2 years (2 YEARS) washing dishes by hand for 7-8 people. The kids dried them. You don’t know hell until you’ve listened to an 8- and a 10-year-old bicker over who has to dry the last fork. Good times.

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