My GERD medicine annoys me.
“Take in the morning, half an hour to one hour before eating.” Oh, okay. Because everyone has an entire spare hour in the morning before they eat. “So I take this BEFORE I slop the hogs and bail the hay.”
I was out choppin’ cotton and my brother was bailin’ hay.
That reminds me, yesterday on Pie on the Face, which many of you have joined as of yesterday and welcome. Welcome to my nightmare (to join, Facebook friend me and I will get you in. I have an in there). But yesterday, on PoTF, we discussed changing songs so that they become grammatically correct. Let me offer a few for you, as they were giving me the giggles last night.
I have you, babe.
Lie down, Sally.
What’s love have to do with it?
Papa has a brand new bag.
Is it your preference to be starting something?
You put the lime in the coconut and consume it entirely.
Women with ample posteriors make the world revolve.
Excuse me, what is the price of that dog on display?
Julio and me in proximity to the schoolyard.
If you want a woman who acts accordingly, you must be a man who also acts accordingly.
Anyway, I giggled. Oh, but I forgot to tell you my favorite one. Faithful Reader Lisa Ruffles Huaraches wrote, Please, pass the biscuits. And then I wrote, Billy Jo’s ability to be sensible was questionable at best.
Oh, we’re all hilarious.
I just realized that the entire time I’ve been writing you, Lily has been meowing. Meows fall on deaf ears, generally, around here. I imagine for people who have kids, the sounds of screeching children eventually become background noise, whereas for me, it jars. Perhaps if you were here, and that would be weird, you’d say, “June, the cat is meowing,” because jarred, and I’d be all, she IS?
Anyway, I finally noticed, said, “What.” because nurturing, and really she didn’t want anything.
I put her outside.
Oh, and also, last night I schlepped over to a part of town I’m never in, the cheatin’ side of town if you’re Harris Teeter, because for the first time I went to ALDI, at your suggestion.
Oh, that was riveting.
First of all, and you know you’re in trouble when I start with “First of all.” There’s gonna be a lotta follow-up “all”s after that. I really think it’s possible that one of the worst things America has to offer is its women’s endless stories. Why can’t women just shut the fuck up? This is why I don’t hang AROUND them much.
Anyway, I got to the parking lot of ALDI, and I was looking at my phone because I’ve turned into that person. There was a tap on my window.
“WHAT,” I thought, because nurturing.
“Would you like this cart,” asked an absolutely stunning young woman of color with long braids and a maxi dress. Holy cats she was stunning. “I know you’re in there looking for a quarter.”
I wasn’t, of course, because NONE OF YOU TOLD ME I NEEDED A QUARTER, and thanks. Good nurturing. You know how nurturing I am. Can’t you return the favor? Anyway, I got out, took her cart, considered lesbianism, and how I’d show you all my new 25-year-old girlfriend of color, and who’d have a fit that I was now a lesbian, and I was writing you off individually and thinking about how intolerant you were of my new hot young girlfriend and would she let me borrow her maxi dresses when boom.
I was in there. Not the girl, the store.
It was so different. I was riveted by brands I’d never heard of, and how they made the cereal sound like the name brands we know.
Fortunate Luck Talismans, with Marshmallow!
I bought some blueberry vanilla granola for, like, eight cents, and then I got some yogurt at 33 cents apiece, which I just now realized means three for a dollar. NOTHING GETS PAST ME. I also purchased a big old box of pasta, some negative-three-cents sauce and a bag of pizza rolls. Why so Rubenesque?
Anyway, my tally, Mr. Tallyman, was something like 54 dollars. Do you think maybe it’s rude to refer to someone as Mr. Whatever-Their-Job-Is and then “Man”? Seems a bit hostile, doesn’t it, Miss ReaderWoman?
Oh, and finally, they don’t give you bags. I’m serious. No one told me THIS, either. I mean, you need a little training before you go in there. So I schlepped everything out individually, which was ridic, then I got home and confused the pets by taking an empty shopping bag out to the car.
After my successful-if-weird journey to ALDI, I took Eds on his evening constitutional, wherein we admired Peg’s magnolias.
That sums me up. Except for the fact that I may have broken into my bag of tortilla chips from ALDI as the evening wore on. My TostNeatOs.
Talk at you,
As she is a jolly good fellow,