The Affair Continues

I know I haven’t written in three days, like Jesus’s blog that one Easter weekend, and all your water towers read Save June and so forth, but I’m back now. I awoke with a dang migraine Friday morning, and I kept thinking, Oh, surely I can drag self to work, but the harder I tried the more I could not do so.

Fortunately my boss’s wife, who has the same name as me, as does my boss’s mother, and guess who is surrounded by Junes? Is it my no-nonsense, beleaguered boss? Anyway, his wife has migraines, too, so he knows I’m not just being a malingerer.

Anyway, so there was that, and then there was my door-painting project that consumed me all weekend, consumed me like Spanish flu, or consumption, and what really WAS consumption, anyway? People in the olden days had such stupid names for regular diseases. Next time I get a migraine, I’m calling my boss to say I have fever and ague.

IMG_8330.JPG

IMG_8326.JPG
Obligatory cat pic

Before I was felled by said grippe or whatever, I walked Edsel Thursday night, and admired the neighbor’s mimosa tree. There’s a huge line for the mimosa tree on weekend mornings, along with a jazzy guitarist strumming Fire and Rain.

Oh, but speaking of my neighbors, oh my god. I got an urgent alert on my Next Door app, which you can clearly see I have become obsessed with. A neighbor titled her post The Affair Continues, and who’s not gonna click on that, right? Good marketing. Naturally, I could not click on that thing fast enough. I moved so fast I actually went back in time, with Sherman and Mr. Peabody.

The point is, she had three (3!) photos of a man getting out of his white car. She kvetched that he ALWAYS parks in front of her house, a thing that fascinates me. Is your life so empty that people parking in front of your house is cause for, well, anything? Who gives a fuck? Good lord.

Anyway, then she told us that he’s having an affair with someone on the next street, which happens to be my street, and then I had a moment where I worried, Does everyone think he’s banging me? Then I remembered I’m 51 and invisible. I’ve often wondered, if I’m killed or something, would neighbors even remember me, despite the fact that I’ve walked through this neighborhood almost every day, with yellow dogs in tow, for nine years?

“Oh, was someone walking those dogs? I thought they had an invisible walker, kind of like those invisible-dog leashes from the ’70s.”

invisible-dog-walk

Anyway, it didn’t take long for people to comment on this INSANE WOMAN’S Next Door post.

“So, urgent because…?”

“How is this any of your business?”

I really wanted to write, “I see Gladys Kravitz is on Next Door. ABNER!” But I didn’t.

So then she pulled out the excuse anyone who has no excuse pulls out. Her kids. “Well, I just don’t want MY KIDS involved in any drama.”

Lady. A guy is parking his reasonable, boring white-ass car in front of your house to maybe or maybe not have an affair in the neighborhood. Your kids give precisely zero shits about this information.

People who use their kids to manipulate are the very worst kind of people. I was once justifiably angry with someone and she used her kid missing me as a reason why I should come over and make up. I felt icky about it then, and I still do.

Oh my god, we’re still on Thursday. This is why I should not go away for so long. Next time, roll back the stone on my sepulcher earlier.

IMG_8357.JPG

I also got to enjoy Steely Dan this weekend. Despite Anne Frank-ing my clothes, despite closing the door to the room that leads to the closet, and hiding the laundry, and sneaking my clothes around like I’m at an orthodox nudist colony, that cat still finds a way to eat my clothes. This was a shirt I liked. Which I have now said 96 times since I got Steely Dan.

IMG_8389.JPG
Hooo care.

IMG_8370.JPG

On Saturday, post-migraine-Saturday, I got up and painted the door. I say it like it was easy. Like it took 20 minutes.

It didn’t.

IMG_8405.JPG

Alf the Ridiculous Handyman is going to paint the porch and steps gray. I have to wait till he can do that, because money. But as soon as it happens, I will alert you. I like my purple door, though.

At some point Saturday–because trust me, this took all damn day, with drying between coats and so on–Marty Martin came over. I took no pictures of this, so you’re going to have to trust me that I’m not inventing it.

I also got this…

IMG_8391.JPG

“Whose electricity usage is being compared to mine?” This is why everyone needs a copy editor. “Oh, I’LL just do it. I love to read!” Yeah, no.

Oh. You know what? I finally got what that sentence means. Did you not TRIP over it 800 times? Anyway, I’m one of the most efficient homes in my area. Also, am the envy of my neighbors. If they saw me. “Does someone live at that purple-door house? I thought it was vacant.”

IMG_8375.JPGIMG_8368.JPG

Poor Edsel was banished to the back room and yard all of Saturday, and a great deal of Sunday when I painted the threshold and made sure the damn door hardware was on right. This allowed for as much barking in the yard as humanly–doggedly–possible. My only hope is that this annoyed the gaybors immensely.

IMG_8399.JPG

Last night, when I finally put the paint supplies away, Steely Dan stampeded up the attic steps, as he is wont to do. What even could be so riveting up there? Winston was the same way, but the other cats have zero interest in the attic. Maybe they’re looking for flowers in the attic.

I’m here all week.

Oh! And I bought a mattress. With all m’cash money. I charged it. Now I’m Wilma and Betty. Remember that one episode where they kept screaming, “CHARGE it!”? Maybe that was Judy and Jane Jetson. Same idea.

My mother is moving, a thing I’ve already told you but people don’t READ carefully. I had my grandmother’s bed, a chair and a desk shipped to me–they’ll be here in a week or so–but I had no mattress for the bed. I’d put it off, but my mother is coming here in July and she’d have to sleep on the floor, in the bed frame, which let’s admit it would be hilarious and not-blog gold. But I got a mattress anyway.

The man who sold it to me was a young, tall man of color, who was very smooth, and at the end gave me his card and said, “I’m Randy” and I was all, funny, so am I after this transaction, what with Randy leaning over mattresses while I lay prone.

“I sold a mattress to an invisible person today.”

Okay, I gotta go. That sums up my weekend, and I’m sorry it wasn’t full of more scintillating details, and I really shoulda just made something up. Then the neighbor on Next Door could have posted about me.

ABNER!

47 thoughts on “The Affair Continues

  1. Clearly Boring-Ass-White-Car-Possible-Affair-Having-Guy wants to come over and admire your electricity usage.

    I a-door your purple door. It is a-door-able. Ok, I’m done with that now.

    My NextDoor continues to be boring AF. Painter recommendation wanted. Babysitter available. That sort of crap. We had a brief moment of excitement when BruceyBoy, a small white dog, allegedly got lost. But since BruceyBoy’s kid went door to door, even that excitement was old news. (He’s back home.) (Both the dog and the kid.)

    Like

  2. Dear June,
    Painting the porch and steps will be so much easier than painting the door. You can do it! Pffft on Alf. You will be able to handyperson your own home.
    The door looks very nice.
    You must buy more paint to take up all your weekend and other spare time. You know how we hate going without you. You are an addiction. June readers anonymous group has to meet frequently.
    Maybe your mom could help you while she is there. A working vacation, just what the doctor ordered.

    Like

  3. The door looks great! You did good on that color. Does it stress you to have your mom STAY at your house? I mean a visit is one thing, but a STAY is so much more…

    Like

  4. While my neighborhood was relatively new, a dark SUV would park in the drive of the house under construction across the street every morning at 2am. Another vehicle would stealth drive (lights off) in and pick up the driver and drive off. They would return about an hour later and go their separate ways. I know this because a) right across from my bedroom window b) with all the dark headlight driving they still slammed the car doors closed c) my husband s alarm used to go off at 130am for his ridiculous drive into D.C./Baltimore. We would make up stories about them and adultery and fornication was about the only good one that seemed to fit!

    Like

    1. Oh! And if we would have had a Nextdoor or OvertheFence back then I totally would have been Gladys Kravitz and posted about it!

      Like

  5. I have painted a door once. I probably will never paint one again. What a pain in the butt. A few years ago a friend and her 4 or so sisters were driving to Canada for a vacation. They had a lot of alcohol in the minivan or food or something that they were afraid might get them into trouble crossing the border because there are some kind of rules about what you can carry across the border. Nothing contraband, just regular stuff. Anyway, I told them, “You are a minivan full of middle-aged women. You are invisible.”

    Like

  6. There is no way a blonde with great boobs will ever be invisible. Ever!!! June, as long as you have breath in your body your presence will be appreciated.

    Like

  7. I’m not going to lie, I would have been all into white car guy. Where is he going, who is he seeing, for how long, where does he go after that?
    Nice door.

    Like

  8. I am also a-door-ing your door. Edsel looks so happy in the photos! So glad to see that. My NextDoor is also quite boring. This morning someone was complaining because a lady had asked if anyone had a free pool ladder for a three-foot pool. Said lady picked up three ladders from three different people, and lady complaining wanted hers back to give to someone else.

    Like

  9. Your door looks absolutely gorgeous.
    I love the little top windows.
    I agree with Beth on painting the porch and steps. You’re an expert now so it’ll be easy. Although I’d keep Alf busy because he sounds like a hoot.
    Consumption was/is tuberculosis, June.

    Like

  10. My Nextdoor is filled with paranoid, Chicken Little people. Every day, someone posts something along the lines of “I just saw a teenager wearing a hoodie in the middle of the day! I just know they are up to no good!” and 5 people will comment, “Call the police! Anyone who wears a hoodie is definitely suspicious! We have to fight to keep our neighborhood safe!” And then someone will chime in with “That’s why I have a Conceal Carry permit. Everyone should be fully armed 24/7!” and then it just goes downhill from there. I just get out the popcorn and watch the shit show.

    I wondered what those beautiful trees were called. There are a number of them at my local park and they smell so good!

    Edsel’s happy little face in the window, Iris’ stretched out paws and That Darn Cat all stretched out in Edsel’s bed, not giving a single damn about anyone but himself. Oh, and Blu!!!!!

    Like

  11. Perfect color choice for your front door. Looks like Edsel happily agrees.

    Glad to know that Gladys Kravitz is alive and well in your neighborhood. Our NextDoor is full of lost and found pets, items for sale or requests for referrals (doctors, painters, handymen, etc.). Nothing as exciting as, “Abner!”

    Like

    1. I do not understand the Gladys Kravitz reference. Is this something I’ve forgotten in my old age? Would Gladys be Lenny’s mom?

      Like

      1. Gladys Kravitz was the nosy busybody neighbor on the 1960s TV show, Bewitched. Abner was her husband. I take it you were born decades too late to have watched it.

        Like

  12. Your door is beautiful. Great job!

    Love, love the photo of smiling Eds. Yesterday, my dog couldn’t find me. He trotted all over the house looking for me until he was in a full-blown panic. I was sitting on the sofa the entire time. What a doofus.

    I gotta’ go with Dropsy.

    Like

  13. Dropsy and the vapors are my favs. They just sound fun. Though consumption and sweating sickness get points for attention to detail. I imagine TB does consume. Wasn’t there also a morbid cough or sore throat?

    Your door is so cute! Reminds me of one of my favorite books from childhood – Harold and the Purple Crayon. May your new door color bring you much joy.

    Like

  14. I have always been partial to pleurisy for an old disease name. Those names do pair beautifully with Abner and Gladys. The door is gorgeous. Our Next Door has heroin leavings found on the street so keep calling the cops when you find them. Small town life in California.

    Like

  15. Your door is so pretty! And your black hardware really looks good with the purple.
    My favorite Disease of Antiquity is the Vapors. I don’t even know what that is really. Is it fainting? Like maybe your corset is too tight?
    The most dramatic thing that’s happened on my NextDoor recently is a woman outed her neighbor for not picking up his dog’s poop. She described the owner and dog in detail, then TRAILED them surreptitiously and POSTED PHOTOS like she was a private eye. Hoo boy, the responses were unbelieeeeevable! I’m all for being a responsible poop picker-upper, but these responses were way out of line. It’s not an actual crime and no one is in danger here. Chill.

    Like

    1. Before NextDoor , there were FarceBark neighborhood groups and email listservs. I like to see how many FB groups I can join… there is one group that contains a dog poop vigilante – this person takes photos of the poop, provides an address, and an approximate time of the deposit based on discovery. [Poop forensics!] Also, same group had a thread focused on when is the appropriate time to began yardwork. Person was offended by the sound of the lawnmower at 7:30 AM so went out to confront the neighbor… Neighbor told them to FO and “I live my own life.’ In defense, we’ve had redonkulous heat beginning by mid-morning and storms in the afternoons.

      Like

  16. When do we start the 6 month discussion on the shutter color? (One vote gray to go with the steps)
    Love that you painted the flower pot to go with the door.
    Congratulations on your non-electrical usage. I got a charge out of it. It made me all tingly.

    Like

    1. Oh yes, too, three and four. Will the porch be light gray or dark gray? Girl cat gray or boy cat gray?
      All the people who , which , that , whom have given , did give, gave directions with your house as a marker…oh we are three doors down from the house with the green door and the yellow patch… they will all be lost.

      Like

  17. I think “consumption” is another term for tuberculosis. According to Pa Ingalls, folks came from all over to take the prairie cure for consumption.

    Like

  18. Im jealous of all the excitement you all get from Nextdoor. I put my address in to see what was going on in my neighborhood, and wouldn’t you know it, there is not one established. It asked me if I would like to be the first one and set one up. Granted I do live in the country, so that could be why there is not one, but I do still have neighbors as if I lived in town. Regardless, I said no to being the first and setting it up. So I will continue to live precariously thru you all!

    Like

  19. Luv the front door. Edz looks so happy. NextDoor neighbors can be bad friends. SD needs a muzzle so your clothes will be safe. Glad your boss understands migraines.

    Like

  20. Love your door. My Next Door neighbors post every time they see a fox in their back yard and post pictures. I know they are adorable but not a rare sight.

    Like

  21. Did you know that purple is my favorite color? It is. I refrained from the door advice because I knew I was biased, but now I am so pleased with the purple! It looks great…professional. Your cats and Eds are all so adorable! The little front paws crossed! The big silly smile! The stretched out “who care?” Adorable!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  22. Actual post from one of the loons on my NextDoor:
    “Shoes found
    There are a pair of dark-colored Adidas men’s. Shoes (size 12) by the side of the road on 84th Place just east of 235th Avenue. If these are yours, please pick the up. I will pick them up by Monday June 26 and bring them to Goodwill.”
    Honest to gosh people. This is not why the internet was invented.

    Like

  23. Beautiful door! I’m with everybody else in thinking that painting a horizontal porch and steps would be a whole lot easier than a vertical door.

    Our NextDoor is full of lost animals (that have been thankfully found, so far) and requests for referrals on handymen/painters/plumbers. Nothing exciting like Gladys Kravitz. I think if a car was suspiciously parked in front of my house every day, I might notice, but even if I suspected some hanky panky was going on, I sure wouldn’t publish it for all to see.

    That bad SDCC (clothing chewer) is so long and lanky. I heart him!

    Like

  24. Dipsomania! Well I learned something today. Well….and I didn’t know about the next door app. I’m passing on that one. Me and my neighbors are already too in each other’s business as it is. Wait. Others’? Others? Sigh.

    Like

  25. I love your new door color, it makes me want to paint mine a different color (well for about half a second). The Next Door app in my area is good for recommendations and traffic alerts, stuff like that. Nothing spicy like affairs or fights. I’m glad no one posts pictures of pet poop on there, that is indication of someone that has too much time on their hands, INHO.

    Like

  26. My favourite antique disease is sugar sickness. We do not have next door, but it sounds potentially kind of awesome. I like observing the craziness, but not participating in it.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s