You just want it cause it’s gaudy.

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No one is in the house right now except for Steely Dan, and I admit to the tiniest thrill of fear. There is no other animal to come to my aid, should he decide this is the moment to reveal he’s a tiny perturbed man in a cat suit.

When I look over at my entry rug with my naked (also, sexy) eye, I do not see THINGS on that carpet, but take a picture and everything shows up. Like the entryway that four animals traipse in and out through eleventy times a day wouldn’t have the occasional thing to contend with.

Sure wish I had a scrolly button on m’mouse. I don’t, though. Because maybe you didn’t even notice; maybe you went about your day yesterday without a care in the world, but I did not write you because my comPUter would not stop SPOOLing yesterday, and lo, there was great annoyance in my land. So naturally I threw the damn mouse. Most IT experts will tell you that’s how you should handle that. It’s what Gandhi would have done. Or at least Dondi.

dondi
fuck the mouse

Anyway, now I have to get a new mouse, because I was forced to throw mine, and I just want you to know that payday happens tonight and remember last week, EARLY last week, when I had 80 dollars to my name to last till June 30? I DID IT. I made it. I went to ALDI and got enough food, and I lived like a miser, and tomorrow I will be paid and I still have $13 left.

I feel so accomplished. I feel like Ma Ingalls or something. And now I gotta rush out and get a mouse. With all m’new dollars.

shopping

Ooo, but look. $9.99, too! At the Home Office Supply Depot Staple Center or whatever.

If there’s ever the opportunity to own the whimsical version of anything, I’m on it. Jane Austin Band-Aids. Flamingo computer mouse. Hello Kitty coffee pot. This dates back to when I was a kid, and my Aunt Mary would take me for donuts, over to the Dawn Donuts, there, and I would always–always!!–opt for the seasonal selections at the front of the display. The green-iced St. Patrick’s Day donut with plastic shamrocks. The Easter donut with purple jellybeans.

The Armistice Day donut.

“You’ll never eat that,” my Aunt Mary would say. “You just want it cause it’s gaudy.”

I mean. Of course I do. That sums me up in seven words.

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Gaudy curly girl

In other news, I’m sick of my hair. It never looks good. I’m toying with, like, going to the blowout place each week, spending $25 to blow it straight. Because as you know, I am just riddled with cash. Or cutting it all off, which never goes well. Then I’m just a person with SHORT bad hair.

Also, note m’eyebrows, what a mess they are. This is the longest I’ve gone without an eyebrow wax since God wore the short trousers. Ned knew some guy, some foreign guy, that same guy Suzy went and left us for, who always said, “Short trousers,” and then Ned only said that, and now apparently it stuck in my head, as well.

Speaking of which, I’ve had four experiences lately on the Facebook where I have seen people clearly using my phrases in their posts, and getting tons of accolades for said clever posts, and I can’t decide whether to be flattered that people are talking like me or irritated for copyright infringement. I realize being irritated for copyright infringement doesn’t make any sense, but now today someone will stampede to social media and say it.

“That’s so clever! Hah!”

“People have always talked like you,” my mother said. “It’s happened your whole life.”

At some point, in high school, my best friend Donna and I began speaking in this opposite way, and I have no idea how it evolved, but it certainly had something to do with the part where we were glued to each other from hour one of high school till graduation night.

It’s true. We were in each other’s homeroom. I’ve told you this before, right? She went to North Junior High. I went to South Junior High. They took the loudest girl from both and placed them in the hearing-impaired kids’ homeroom, which back then we just called deaf. Anyway, I get to my first moment of high school and my homeroom is silent.

I was horrified. Was everyone in high school going to be stoic?

Then this chick with June hair bursts in, full of what you’d call the personality, and that was all she wrote for my high school career. We were also in gym class together, and not only did Donna have the June hair, she similarly had the June athlete gene.

“Welsh, Summerfield,” (a mispronunciation of both our last names) “I’m not even gonna test ya on this one. Just go play with the badminton racquets.” The gym teacher’s soul died by, like, day two.

Anyway, very quickly, we began speaking the opposite of what we meant. “Oh, but the gym teacher adores us, is what he does. The gym teacher is quite the admirer our athletic prowess,” we’d say, strolling off with our badminton racquets.

“Oh, but this class is easy.”

“Oh, but I had zero to drink at that party, at any rate.”

Starting off with, “Oh, but” was big with us.

The point is, we were a seriously odd duo, we had a partner in weirdness, and it was delightful, and then it seemed like all of a sudden, the whole world was talking like us. We’d even hear, “Oh, but it’s not Donna and June, though. There they aren’t.”

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Donna and me on my 22nd birthday. My nose used to be reasonable. Oh, but my nose isn’t unreasonable, though.

Part of our ridiculous affectation was whenever we’d state something that was the very opposite of what we meant, we’d also raise our hand up when we said it. I’ve no idea why.

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Oh, but I’m not raising my hand up, though.

One time, Donna told me she walked into a room, and as soon as she did, the whole room raised up their arm in our signature manner.

I recall this one girl, oh lord, this poor one girl, who dearly wanted to be cool, and I assure you we were 100% really fucking far from cool. But this girl wanted to be at one with us, but it’s like she was uncool in her own way, a way that lacked what you might call charisma, and I wonder whatever happened to that poor thing.

The point is, she never got it. She’d use our tone, and she’d raise an arm, but she’d manage to say precisely what she thought instead.

[arm raise] “Oh, but Andrea’s drunk, though.”

Oh, honey.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have to offer this world, is weird ways of speaking, odd sentence structure, a bizarre vocabulary, that others pick up on. I mean, that’s it. That’s my contribution.

You’re welcome.

89 thoughts on “You just want it cause it’s gaudy.

    1. This is like the day I said I was fat and people got mad at me because they felt fat, and how dare I say how I feel about myself on my own blog. It’s sticking out all over the place, girl. Jackie Kennedy wouldn’t have been caught dead with hair like mine. She’d have smoothed that shit.

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  1. I know it’s annoying because people do it to me too, but I have to agree that I thought your hair looked nice in that photo. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it though. You’re the one who has to wear it.

    I find myself talking like you a lot. I’ve read you every day for, like, 8 years, and I’m one of those people who tends to mirror personalities. (It’s because I’m a Pisces, apparently.) So sorry in advance if you catch me doing it but I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time.

    Lovely post June! Perhaps you’ll make it to your next payday with $14 leftover. That would be a big deal for me as well, as I have never been good with the money.

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  2. Your hair is really beautiful, but I understand wanting a change, then BOOM, the change wasn’t such a good idea.

    Oh but, hilarious post.

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    1. I agree! I cut of my super long, curly June hair (but in red) right before I went to Thailand for four months when I was in university. I did it because I was sick of dealing with my hair, and because I thought I’d be too hot with it. Bad, bad idea. I looked like Ronald McDonald.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My favorite thing about you is that you want the whimsical version of everything! I know there’s a Diana Ross style bedazzled mouse waiting out there for you to find.
    Lovely post, June!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oy, June, with the guilt. My best humor is usually something I’ve stolen. Was that coffee quote yours? I’m sure I’ve seen it on those “someecards” or whatever. But mea culpa.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Paula, for a protracted length of time, I thought you invented the phrase Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Still haven’t seen the movie, but, yeah, I’m guessing the royalty checks haven’t been piling up.

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  5. Those of us with little or no personality have to steal our favorite parts from our friends’ personalities. (Really worried I messed up the grammar on that sentence.) Speaking for myself only! Not implying anything about anybody else here! Trying to figure out if I’ve been copy-catting!

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      1. Dude! Really hoping this wasn’t because I said felled because I say that all the time. See? Paula’s not the only one with Catholic guilt, except I’m not Catholic.

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  6. I found my people in high school too. We made up a poem back then which I still recite to this day:
    A penny for your thoughts,
    A nickel for your body,
    All good things are cheap and gaudy.
    I have lived by that last line for 40 years now!

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  7. I personally think your hair is lovely and suits your sparkling personality. The “You just want it cause it’s gaudy” versus “Jackie Kennedy NEVER picked the gaudy donut” about killed me.

    When you threw the mouse, did Iris hunt it down?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Congratulations for making it to June 30th! And with money left! Awesome. Steely Dan is so beautiful. Striking really. Count me in with those who love your hair.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  9. Well. Yes. As soon as I read this post, I knew. And I had to scream and stampede to the comments to airily, you know, comment on it. As one does. Because, GOD, JUNE.

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  10. I think that we all hate our hair, while others love it. I think your hair is lovely, as well, but as Whitni said, you’re the one who has to deal with it. My hair is very short, and I hate it 17/7. (I don’t hate it when I’m sleeping. Then, I could care less). I hate that others wake up and look like just a tousled, cute, sleepy version of themselves, while my hair looks like I joined the army, or a punk band. My hair is all flat on the side, and sticking totally straight up at the top. Even my bangs are going straight up from my face. I have no idea what I do in my sleep to make my bangs go straight up, other than sweat every night like a sweaty sweatball. And no amount of wetting it is going to fix that shit. I can never, EVER just get up and go immediately out, because m’hurr (tm June) is a fuzzy, scary mohawk.

    Don’t you think that people talk like you because they love your humor and admire you, rather than just blatantly plagiarizing you? I hear myself saying some of your phrases to others, because I think they’re clever. I’m not defending people who plagiarize though. I don’t understand taking others’ thoughts and claiming them as your own. Get an original thought for yourself, people.

    I love SD, even if he is a tiny perturbed man in a cat suit! My grey girl always has a look on her face like she’s just tolerating us all because there’s nowhere else for her to go. I think that’s just a grey thing. They are over our shenanigans.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Hey, here’s a related question. When I type grey, I always wrestle over the whole gray/grey thing. I tend to type it grey, but I see it both ways. Which spelling is appropriate? Or are both? What does anybody else use?

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      1. Well this is fantastic. I wrestle with this all the time and I never know which one is right.

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    1. I grew up spelling it either way. Probably the Canadian influence from my mother. Now that I think about it, maybe the Canadian spelling could actually be gr-eh?

      Liked by 2 people

  12. A) Are there REALLY Jane Austen band aids? B) What ever happened to Donna? C) Jackie never had to work all day and take care of pets and go grocery shopping etc, she had TIME to look perfect. Plus 800 million dollars to spend on product, thanks Ari.

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    1. There are. Somewhere on here there are photos of me with JA Band-Aids on. Or maybe of Ned with them on. Google Bye Bye Pie + Jane Austin Band-Aids. I mean, if you have that kind of time.

      We are still friends. She has two kids and a husband and a German shepherd. She is in Michigan. She still has June hair. We went to New Orleans together like five years ago. Google Bye Bye Pie and New Orleans if you have that kind of time.

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  13. I thought “tiny perturbed man in a car suit” killed me and then came “since God wore the short trousers”. Please don’t ever stop with the saying of the things.

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  14. I do love your hair! I am in the same curly hair group on facebook and I get major hair envy over all these people with voluminous , shiny, soft gorgeous curls, not one bit of frizz in sight. I keep hoping for the magical transformation for my hair, but it’s frustrating. I got my hair cut yesterday and the lady straightened it and I currently have smooth, silly perfect hair that makes me abandon the curls and keep going back to the salon to get it straightened. I can never get my hair that perfect, it’s hair dresser magic.
    I enjoyed reading about your high school days!

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  15. Where is Donna now? Isn’t that a song, sort of? “and I keep wonderin’ who’s callinnnnn Donna noooowwww” If a faithful reader such as myself should remember from prior mentions, I fail to qualify as a faithful reader 😦 That would be particularly sad because since I am a faithful reader, it might indicate retention issues, and I already have those , with fluid.

    Also, your hair is quite lovely and not the type of hair that immediately indicates who you are as a person. Therefore, you are far more intriguing, eh?

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  16. For what it’s worth (probably nothing), I would love to have your hair. Cute picture of Steely with his sweet little eyes. Is that a lighted skeleton outside your window in the picture with your hand up?

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  17. I have June hair. Would be out of my mind in the South. The occasional bouts of summer humidity in Michigan are bad enough. Keratin treatment changed my life. It was expensive but lasted more than 7 months, so was definitely cheaper than weekly blowouts. I’m about to do it again after living with my normal, insane hair for 2+ months.

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  18. Oh, this brings back happy memories of driving you and Donna around and laughing in the front seat as the two of you carried on in the back seat (talking). I think people copy your way of speaking because you are a natural leader and very clever and funny. I don’t mean to take anything away from Donna. I’m sure the two of you made this stuff up together. I had forgotten about the hand-raising part. If you two come to Saginaw at the same time again, I will happily drive you around. I’d take you to the Quad! Or the roller rink. You could refuse to sit in the back seat but instead keep your body completely upright in the back seat so your jeans would not stretch out.

    Liked by 7 people

  19. you’ve lived with your hair for quite some time. i think everyone gets tired of their hair. i would vote, if there is a vote, for the blow out each week. yes, money. but not short. which you said never works out.

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  20. I’m telling you (again) if you buy the Bio Ionic hair straightener on Amazon, I think you’ll be pleased. If you’re willing to spend all that money and time, why not give this a try? Yes I know it’s advice. Go ahead and yell at me!!

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  21. Mother for the win! Was anyone else ever annoyed by that comic “Dondi”? I hated it when I was a kid and wished they had taken that dumb orphan back where he came from.

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    1. But……I don’t think anyone knew where he came from. Wasn’t that the point? Ha!

      Yeah, he and his creepy all-black eyes also annoyed me. And he’s all Gallant, without a Goofus. Do something bad for God’s sake and be a normal kid, Dondi!

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  22. As someone with fine, thinning hair, the first generation of women on my mother’s side not to be so bald I need a wig, I tell you I will swap you right now. My hair envy is sincere.

    The “gym teacher’s soul died” killed me. When I switched majors in college and had to go from the BS track to the BA track, I had to take a gym. And only tennis was left. The very svelte French instructor struck a deal with me the third week: If I promised never to try to play the game of tennis in my entire life, she would give me a passing grade.
    I was fine with it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your tennis story reminds me of the road test I had to take to get my driver’s license when I was 16. I was so nervous trying to parallel park, the examiner made me promise to never parallel park and he would pass me so I could get my license. I’ve kept my promise to this very day.

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    2. Me too, DCEA. My hair was always fine. I swear, these days I have more product in my hair than I have hair in my hair.

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  23. My hairdresser has this stuff on her shelf that is called, “Be Curly.” Unfortunately, it does not work for those of us with stick straight hair. Why? I do not know, but it seems like false advertising to me. I covet curly hair.

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  24. I’ve always been curious as to your feelings on your readers picking up and using your phrases. I am a big fan of “Ima” and I use it in texts to my friends often.

    When I was in high school I had a denim jacket that I bleached in spots and then dyed purple. Soon after a classmate did the very same thing, I made fun of her and she overheard me. I still feel guilty to this day.

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    1. I’m good with Ima. I’ve noticed Dooce uses Imma, which in my head is pronounced with a short i, like him-ma. In other words, I believe Dooce is wrong.

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  25. I’ve never had my eyebrows waxed, but it’s somewhat tempting. Or at least having them groomed or something. I probably won’t go to the trouble to find a place. (My town has one traffic light and doesn’t have such fancy things.) Now that I’m within spitting distance of fifty (in the fall — not really excited) they’re just ridiculous. Too sparse on the outside edge, wiry like nobody’s business . . . I did find an article that has opinions on how to groom them. https://www.bustle.com/articles/52643-common-eyebrow-shaping-mistakes-youre-making-and-how-to-fix-them-because-nobody-wants-90s-eyebrows

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  26. My ex-husband was from NY and his family just loved to make fun of the southern phrases that I said from time to time. We were up there visiting his family once and he said he was hot. I looked at him and said, “Why don’t you go put your short pants on?” Y’all. I have never in my life said short pants, but I picked the time I was sitting in a roomful of New Yorkers for that stupid phrase to come flying out of my mouth. They laughed for 30 minutes and teased me about it for years to come.

    Liked by 3 people

  27. My friend has a four year old daughter who says the most amazing things on a daily basis. She calls shorts “small pants”. I adore her.
    I love how the six pack of Moosehead was gifted in a Wizard of Oz bag.
    I hate when I do something fairly original and no one says a thing. Then a few months later someone else in my group does it and people act like it’s the second coming of Jesus… does no one remember I did that MONTHS ago??!?!?!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have never seen so many fun ways to refer to shorts before today. Anybody else have one? I like the birthday picture, too. I was trying so hard not to write it, but–lions and tigers and moose, oh, my!

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  28. Maybe this is going overboard but I cannot STAND it when I post (what I think is) a hilarious thing on my FB and someone “likes” one of the comments someone else makes on my funny post but never “likes” my ACTUAL funny post. Um, excuse me, please recognize the hilarity of the original post!!!! It’s insulting is what it is and it drives me insane.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. For a while, my husband and I would say “redonkulous” and then immediately say “June” and giggle and sigh with delight. So we gave you credit at all times. And, apparently, we gave ourselves a mental, mini-orgasm to boot.

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  30. Oh, June, honey. I spent the entire 80’s and 90’s with perm rods in my hair to get your exact style!!!! I LOVED it and I’m thinking of doing it again. AND, it’s perfect for you, as well!!! WE ALL LOVE IT!!!

    AND, as far as the copying your words/phrasing, well, I noticed it sometime ago and thought it to be sycophantic. However, upon further thought, I think it’s done out of admiration and love for ya, girl!! Everyone want to be ya!!!

    Wow, that’s the most I’ve EVER had to say here!!!

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  31. You could have barbed wire eyebrows. Yesterday I was looking for a photo of barbed wire outriggers for LaUral and found the barbed wire eyebrows. Google it.

    We have friends that moved here from England and when we use the term pants, rather than trousers, they cringe because pants in England are under garments, or at least, that is the term THEY use. I use your rule about gray vs grey all the time and affect vs effect. If you can change affect to alter, then that’s the word, right?

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  32. Hair, ugh! Mine is straight, flat, just weird. I almost got a desperation Great Clips cut a couple weeks ago but was too lazy. Two days later, friends were raving about how great my hair looked! (I have never, ever had great hair.) No wonder I don’t trust my own self!

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  33. Love the picture of Donna and you, so cute!

    I’m always spewing Juneisms. Everything from hoo care to nether regions to…well many other things, I can’t think of them right now (long day) but I am a much cooler person for reading your blog….frick, website.

    Hand raising picture made me giggle.

    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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    1. Me too, Amish. (Becoming much cooler by reading.) And it’s not just the Juneisms, it’s the general Juneness. When I want to write something clever, it comes out through a sort of June filter, and I have to fix it to sound less like an imitation.

      Good thing we’re not reading a blogtypething by Ernest Hemingway or Joan Rivers.

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  34. I think for many on the hair front, the grass is always greener. I have the straightest, most well behaved hair and at times, I look at the electrical outlet, just wondering.

    Lovely, post, pretty June.

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