June the Amakazon

“Let me take you to dinner,” Ned said, Ned of the I Really Shouldn’t Hang Around Him Neds. “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

“Village Tavern!” I said. I’ve never had bad food there. Ever. It is delicious.

“Well, it’s Wednesday night there.”

For some reason, my stupid city has made Wednesday incredibly annoying to go out in. It started with one restaurant having half-price-wine night, and their popularity encouraged other fucking restaurants to fucking follow suit, and now any time you find yourself out to dinner on a Wednesday (which if you’re Ned is every single Wednesday. Hello, single man with cash), you’re surrounded by cheap drunks.

“We can try it and if it’s too crowded we’ll go somewhere else,” I said.

“Where?”

Ned needs to know every detail of every slab of life. You may not know this about me, but I sort of prefer to let life wash over me, like a gentle tide. Ned would be over there asking the tide, “What’re you gonna do next? You going in, or…?”

“We can go to Filling Station.”

“Sigh. I knew you were gonna say that,” Ned said, and WHY TELL ME I CAN GO ANYWHERE I WANT THEN.

So we get to Village Tavern, Willage Tavern if you’re a When Harry Met Sally fan (at 3:18).

And you know it wasn’t that crowded? Whatever, Ned. Why don’t you work at McDonald’s. That’s only funny if you watch Grace and Frankie. Or Frankie and Grace. I forget the order.

Oh my god anyway.

We were soon surrounded by other eaters, and fortunately there’s a separate bar area, so all the I-need-my-wine-half-off yahoos were confined. My point is, we were near two different tables of women eating together.

Holy cats.

“It’s almost like women are allotted a certain number of words they must get out per day, and around dinnertime, if there are a lot of words left, they give it their all to get them out before bed,” I said to Ned, who does not mind women as much as I do. On the contrary. IfYouKnowWhatI’mSayin’.

You know, maybe this not-blog is perfect for me. I can talk to women here, but in a controlled setting. And I get my allotted number of words out silently.

After dinner, Ned came with me to walk Edsel, who was so delighted to have his former daddy with him he couldn’t stand it.

Do ebrywon see daddeee? He my daddee, fmr.

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I put this picture on Facebook awhile back, but I haven’t put it here, I don’t think. Edsel looking over his domain. This is the park on our walk, and I’ve been sorely tempted to just release the hound and let him run free through this park. I never do, though, because (a) other dogs and (2) busy road nearby. But maybe one day when I stop liking him.

I also took a late lunch yesterday to meet up with a nurse about my upcoming colonoscopy, which Ned is taking me to. You may recall we promised each other, back when we were actually dating, that we’d take care of each other during our respective colonoscopies, or coloscopies, as Ned keeps saying it like he’s 109.

I took him last year even though we were broken up, and now he must take me. Actually, I had my mother all lined up to take me, but she messed up the dates and in fact is leaving the day of my appointment. Clever. “Oh, gee, was that today?” [admires self in compact] “Call me a cab, will you, then?”

One of the reasons the restaurant wasn’t that crowded last night was because we got to eat at a June Hour (like, 5:30) as opposed to a Ned hour (like, 8:00). Ned worked from home yesterday afternoon, and I don’t know how a president can work from home. Although I guess all presidents of America do.

Anyway he worked from home because he was getting the house inspected, the house we used to live in, as he is purchasing it. Yes, he made a decision. Yes, I know. Mark your calendars.

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hoooo care

After Ned left, I tried to go to the Wednesday movie near me–every Wednesday this month they’re showing Phillip Seymour Hoffman films–but it’d already started and I’m very Alvie Singer two minutes about that. So I hung out with my favorite attitudinal animal, and we watched the last episode of this season’s Orange is the New Black, or as my mother called it once, Orange is Black.

Now that’s all I call it. Do you have things like that? Where someone mispronounces something and then that’s how you say it forever? My cousin Maria used to say “big-bone-ded” and now you cannot get me to say it right. I mean, she’s almost 40. She doesn’t say that now. I hope. Then again, I’m almost 52 and I say it. So.

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I accidentally took this photo of my girl parts on an Edsel walk recently, and I thought you might want it as a poster in your room.

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Did I already put this in here, as well? I can’t recall all the shenanigans that include ludicrous Steely Dan that I’ve shown you. The other night I got home from work, and I opened the car door then turned to the passenger seat to get my bag, and

WHOMP

that damn cat jumped in and onto my lap. It scared the crap right out of me. I thought it was a rabid squirrel or something.

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grow a pare

Anyway, other than getting to eat for free (although I’m dieting so I got a free salad. WOOOOOO), that’s all I have to tell you. The colonoscopy woman wanted to know if I had a will, and I don’t, so if I die during my coloscopy, please give everything to Barry Gibb.

Oooo! Oh! And I signed up to be an Amazon woman or something. So, once they say okay, I will put Amazon things on my not-blog, and if you click through and buy anything, I get, like, a cut. I think it’s fairly painless for everyone. You go on Amazon through me and I’m RICH. I think that’s how it works.

Update: Okay, if I’m not mistaken, I am officially an Amazon person now, and if I, say, add this link to Pink Beach lipstick:

if you click on that, and buy anything at all on Amazon, I think I get like a million dollars.

I broke my kitchen clock recently. It was just a cheap yellow plastic clock from the drug store that I’ve had for a decade, but I was shoving huge bags of pet food (why, I wonder) into the closet in the other room behind said clock, and boom, it crashed to the floor and the hands wouldn’t work any more.

So I went on Amazon on a Friday, as soon as I got paid again, and ordered a new kitchen clock.

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Here. You want it? Click on the image below BECAUSE AMAZON SELLER NOW.

Anyway. It got here Sunday. SUNDAY! So. I like Amazon, is my point, and now they’re gonna make me RICH. Faithful Reader Darla thought of the idea. Further reports as developments warrant.

I’d better get in the shower, as I once again said I’d help out another team today and do not wish to miss said deadline for said team. It always makes me nervous to help someone else, like this is my one chance to prove I am not a dunce.

Speaking of which, yesterday I uploaded a document for my boss to look at, and instead of the Excel spreadsheet I was supposed to upload, instead I sent him my May bank statement.

Corporate ladder. It’s high up here. Not a dunce. Proving it.

Talk to you later. We can go anywhere you want.

Luff,

Juuuun

81 thoughts on “June the Amakazon

  1. Amazon is the best (sorry local retailers…)
    When my kids were little, they’d say all kinds of words incorrectly. My daughter used to say “snake” for “steak”, for example, or “hangabur” for “hamburger”. We still say it that way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My kids are in their late twenties. They used to pronounce UPS “Oopie Best.” You guessed it: We all still say Oopie Best now when we see the truck or get a package.

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  2. I think sending the boss your bank statement was genius! Now they know they need to give you more of the money!

    I too love Amazon. I will only shop through Junazon from henceforth.

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  3. “But maybe one day when I stop liking him.” among other funny lines. luff amazon. see? there you go. junelingo i have. man, Phillip Seymour Hoffman was brilliant. such a loss.

    ps. will shop through your not blog.

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  4. HAHA! Yes. Since you told us that Ned goes to the ATV to get cash, that is all I ever call it. My family now hates you.

    And I will now call OITNB, “Orange is Black,” just so they can hate you, and me, some more.

    Also, dying over sending your boss your May bank statement.

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  5. Luff-Ly post June. I’m so glad you got to eat at the place you wanted to. And at a reasonable time, too? Awesome! I love how Steely Dan’s tail is sort of curled into your collarbone. He’s such a handsome boy!

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  6. Great post, Juuuun. He my daddee, fmr. killed me. As did that best-ever picture of SD. Thanks to my now 60 year old brother cucumbers are forever cumberboards. Thanks to Distinguished’s slip of the tongue some years ago condiments are condoms.

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  7. When my son was little, he would say he needed some “poothtaste” whenever he was ready to brush his teeth. We still call it that today! Amazon shopper here that will now to through your link, too.

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  8. My father does the exact same thing as Ned! He pretends to give you freedom to choose a restaurant, but then finds reasons to go to the place he had in mind all along. We are totally hip to his game and play right along. Thankfully he is kind of a foodie and always has pre-selected good restaurants.
    Your new clock is darling!

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  9. Thanks to my daughter, chicken is chickum, and cantaloupe is candleoak, barefooted is barefootie. I will order all my Amazon through Book of June!

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  10. We call dessert what my nephew called it when he was small, bessert. He just turned thirty-five.
    If we ever figure out financial stuff online (I do no buying online. Who is her grandmother? My parents are not online at all). No smart kids to help either. If we figure it out I will buy on Amazon through you also, Jooon.

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  11. Amy always calls church bulletins “bull ing tons.” I was listening to an audible book recently and there was a character named Bullington. It freaked me out to have one of our Yates’ family made up words spoken over and over again. Amy also sings it “ten lorps a leaping!”

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  12. Amazon Prime is one of the best things that has ever happened to me- I have not been to Target or a drugstore since I signed up over two years ago.

    I am also an Amazon affiliate and get gift cards every month as payment for my commissions. The best part is that if you link to something on Amazon, you get a commission for anything that a person buys who got to Amazon through your link. So, for example, if you link to a lipstick or mascara or whatever and someone clicks on the link and then buys a lawnmower, you will get a commission for the lawnmower (higher priced item = higher commission). I think you will do really well with it.

    You should have an “Amazon Day” here once you get approved as an affiliate and have everyone buy stuff that they need through your link. $$$

    Lovely post, June!

    P.S.
    I don’t know if they actually sell lawnmowers on Amazon, was just using it as an example.
    P.P.S
    You also get a commission when people sign up to Amazon Prime through your link. $$$

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      1. Link. Also, that was all very helpful, because I wasn’t 100% sure how it worked. Did you ALL have to buy Clinique’s Pink Beach? So, good. Glad to hear it. Also, everyone should do Amazon Prime. Well, mostly everyone. BUT WAIT TILL I’M AN AMAKAZON! I need to stop saying Amakazon.

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        1. If you need any help with it once you get signed up, let me know- it can be kind of confusing at first. You can post Amazon ads on the side of your site (or the top or wherever you want them) with your links embedded into the ads, or even/also set up a separate page with some of your favorite products. You’ll get a commission from any products bought through your link. If you have a decent amount of traffic coming to your site, it’s an easy way to make some extra cashola.

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          1. I don’t need to tell YOU…tens of readers. Tens! Oh, I’m counting my dollars already. I’ll be like the Monopoly guy. If I pass muster, Amazon muster, I will be bothering you for help. Thank you in advance for dealing with me.

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            1. I’d be happy to help, and there should be no problem with you getting approved. I have tens less readers than you, and they approved me.

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              1. You know, once we got on this subject, I thought, What’s TAKING them so long? Turns out, if one were to read carefully, I got approved right away. I am still working on something at, you know, work, but I will be in touch. LUCKY YOU.

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  13. Dinner sounds almost perfect…except for the salad. SD is gorgeous. I know, I keep saying that. Bank statement–died.

    Love the clock!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  14. I know I’m really sleep deprived, but did you just tell us to call you a cab? Okay, you’re a cab. *swish pang*

    Loved this whole post but the bank statement bit is my favorite. And I know I’m late but your 4th of July post was fabulous too. Lovely that.

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  15. Lovely post, June. Filling Station is a great name for a restaurant. I call ATMs Adam. As in, I’m going to see Adam. Well, that’s how it’s spelled. Here’s hoping you get rich being an Amazon Woman. You look lovely today.

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  16. OH NO! Your bank statement went to your boss. Did he/she say any thing to you? Then why am I laughing so hard? I just need to shut up. I would have died.

    I love SD. He is a beautiful cat. He matches your colors, gray cats, greyish blue rug, etc.

    We order a lot of stuff through Amazon. My husband orders tools, and they usually cost more than makeup. You might want to consider linking to tool sites. I’ll be glad to order through your Amazakon link.

    We use words all the time that friends and family have crewed up. We have a good friend that is called Rain by her grandchildren because they turned granny into Rain. My mom was called Mama Kate by her grandchildren, but her great grandchild called her Mama Cake, so she will forever be Mama Cake.

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  17. P.S. I love your new kitchen clock. I’ll be ordering a new round pyrex mixing bowl. I broke my vintage (wedding gift) large mixing bowl last night. I am just sick about it.

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  18. I just ordered a replacement for my broken vintage bowl! THROUGH YOUR LINK! It must be fate, I looked all over the internet last night (all over yonder) looking for an exact replacement, could not find one. I went to Amazon through your link and BOOM, there it was, the exact same bowl I wanted.

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  19. Now, I have a stupid technical question. Will the link always be on your web page, like at the top or side, you know, easy to find? Help an old woman out.

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    1. I don’t know how it’ll work yet, Tee. I’m at work, just figured out I was approved, and slapped that link up as fast as I could. I’ll know more tomorrow after I’m home and able to figure everything out.

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  20. Oh goodie! You’ve just handed me another reason to go on Amazon. I visit there at least twice a day.

    I have all sorts of words that I say incorrectly. I am a pretty articulate person and it, in turns, makes me silently hysterical at myself and filled with rage toward people when they correct me. My nephew used to call Applebees AppleKNEES. I always call it that. He said it when he was 2; he’s almost 22 now. I also say MothersTIMES day, sgabetty (spaghetti), SshCAWgooh (Chicago). There are so many more that I can’t think of right now.

    A final question, June. I know you have moved to a new website and I’m not sure if your old blog subjects moved with you but I’m curious if you can add Hulk’s Sex Life to this post since you shared the picture of the your lady bits.

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  21. I’m barely a couple paragraphs into this post and I’m laughing my arse off. just had to say that. Now back to the post…

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  22. Our EXTREMELY forbearing younger brother was a frequent word-coiner a half-century ago, and his sisters can’t let him forget it. To wit: five-year-old shirtless brother strikes a bodybuilder pose and demands, “Look at those bulging beecipes!” Un to wit, as Bugs Bunny said, but I don’t know how to write it properly. Un-to-wit? Un-to wit? Untowit? Copy editors, help!

    Apparently there were no copy editors working on the Sound of Music book I just got from the library and am considering defacing (with pencil, I’m not a monster). So far two each of “loathe to” instead of “loath to”, and “vocal chords,” which I kind of love, since they are Julie Andrews’.

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  23. I have yet to get a colonoscopy. However, I could have went bright and early this morning thanks to an awful stomachache last night. No cleaning drink needed.

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  24. Bathing suits will forever be baby soups in my family.
    Amazon Prime is one of my favorite things because stopping at a store on my way home from work is one of my least favorite things!

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  25. All of our “new” words come from my mother…Chick-a-Fil for Chick-Fil-A, mer lot for merlot, Panchita’s for Panera Bread, la tay for latte. We can’t Not say them.

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    1. How are you supposed to say latte? I say it la tay and thought that was correct. But I’m from the south so maybe we all screw it up here.

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  26. Yay! Hulk came out of his cave to comment!

    My oldest daughter has always loved cantaloupe. Every time she would ask for cantaloupe I would reply, “Cantaloupe? You cantaloupe, you’re only (insert age).” Much to my children’s delight, DELIGHT, I still say it, every single time we have cantaloupe.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. My now 29 year old niece used to pronounce crackers as crarecks and I STILL call them crarecks. She also pronounced Fruit Loops as Soup Lips, that is one of my favorites. My daughter used to say fighterfighter for Firefighter, I NEVER corrected her on that one because it sounded so cute coming out of her four year old mouth. Somewhere along the way, she figured it out. Damn schools.

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  28. Amazon kicked me off the affiliate link program after my state said they would be required to collect sales tax on everything, dangit. So no extra cashola for me. But I do shop through the smile page rather then the regular Amazon and that gives an amount to a charity pool to be allocated to the charity of my choice. I wonder if I can earn june dollars AND the charity? Will test and report.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Poor fatherless Edz is killing me. Brilliant move to get a raise with the bank statement! My grand daughter used to say turn snig glows instead of turn signals, and like the tens of readers have already commented, it is in the family lexicon now.

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  30. When my younger sister was a toddler, she mispronounced our older sister’s name. And, yes, I still call my older sister by that name nearly fifty years later. It is a term of endearment.

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    1. My younger brother couldn’t say my name when he was learning to talk so he called me Beh Beh. If he tried really hard to say my name, I was Battery. Thankfully neither of those managed to stick.

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Reading everyone’s little kid words is so funny. My daughter used to remind me to pack sun-scream on our way to swim lessons. I adored it and never corrected her. Pretty sure she’s figured it out by now. She’s 17.

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  32. My son came up with some great names for things. He called the lower eyelids his eye stomachs. The backs of the knees are known as leg pits. And his pant legs are leg sleeves.

    My cousins always said fruniture instead of furniture. And we call hushpuppies by the lovely name of shut your mouth dogs.

    Oh! And June? I clicked on the picture of the Pink Beach lipstick and ordered . . . Pink Beach lipstick! And you will never guess what I ordered when I clicked on the kitchen clock?

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  33. Amazing! I just ordered dog food using the link. I had no idea I could buy big bags of dog food on Amazon! It was $10 less expensive and my husband doesn’t have to go to the pet store. I needed this exciting news after visiting daycare to find that my child’s leaky diaper led to poop shoes. Pets definitely prepared me for children as far as disgusting clean ups.

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  34. I had a friend who would say co-co-nuts and enunciate every syllable just to annoy people because it did not sound at all like coconuts. I still say it that way.

    Also, I adore that clock.

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  35. I have a cousin who when he was a wee child about 300 months old could not pronounce his “ts” instead they were “fs”. To this day Firetrucks are Firefucks. Also and too, my mother-in-law former called Altoids, Asstroids. They are forever Asstroids and Nintendo is Antennado.

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  36. I am going to skip all the other parts of this post and just say that Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Love,Liza cut me dead. Admittedly, I do like the dark, intense movies with no redemption, so…. but he was stunning in it. Have you seen it?

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  37. “Corporate ladder. It’s high up here. ” Dying.

    I was so f’ing sad when Philip Seymour Hoffman died. He was probably my favorite actor. Him in Boogie Nights is a thing of beauty.

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  38. I forgot about two other twisted word things. My baby brother liked me and my cousin to walk him in the park like cemetery at the end of our block. He would say, Gwails, take me to the temesery.

    The next one is the result of extreme tipsyness. A grown realitive who shall remain nameless came how from a local St. Patty’s Day party, laid down on the floor but then asked “Someone bring me some of those ships (chips). ” Reminding that person ticks them off so I use it at home only.

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  39. When all the kids are grown and flown, Larry and I will still be walking around our empty, echoing house saying “Wa-wa” and “Ba-ba” and calling roasted potatoes “boppies,” because that’s what our first kid called them a quarter of a century ago. And our adult kids will say, “Well, it’s not dementia, because they’ve ALWAYS been like that.” They won’t even realize that THEY DID THIS TO US.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I think that I already told the story of my nephew giving me the name Cheech when he was a toddler. He is now 40 and family and friends have called me Cheech for all that time.

    Also have a friend who calls Shitake mushrooms”Shitcake”, and that’s all I see now whenever I see that on a menu.

    Like

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