Mr. Greensboro

Yesterday was a harrowing workday, which resulted in my shoulders up right on my ears pretty much for 8 hours. When I was done with my GODDAMN DAY, I dearly wanted a drink. I never drink during the week now, part of my weight loss plan that’s resulted in precisely no weight loss.

“I want to get drunk fast,” I said to Ned on the phone. Ned’s favorite line from It’s a Wonderful Life is “We serve hard liquor to men who want to get drunk fast.” I figured if there was anyone I could call to join me in getting drunk fast, it’d be Ned, who enjoys a cocktail or 90.

“We could go downtown, to First Friday,” said Ned. The, you know, first Friday of every month, they have galleries open downtown, and bands on the street to annoy you, and people mill about and it’s a fine time.

Ned was of course still at work, because he works till forever all the time. But since I dangled the idea of early alcohol consumption at him, he was at my house by 6:00. “Where are we going to park?” he asked me, while we were still pulling out of my driveway.

Ned needs to know how everything’s going to go. It’s not at all irritating to me. Have I mentioned I like to let life wash over me?

“I’m an Amazon associate now,” I told Ned on the drive there. I explained to him how anyone can click over to Amazon from my page and then if they buy something, I get a percentage.

“Amazon is The Man,” said Ned. “They’re one of the big corporations.”

YOU’RE The Man,” I pointed out, seeing as he’s a middle-aged white guy who’s the boss of like 50 people.

There was really nothing Ned could say about that. He was The Man who was shutting up.

I think this is a good time to randomly link to, oh, just anything on Amazon. If you click, above, you’ll get on Amazon. If you buy anything, I get a cut. Hey, so far you guys have bought, like, 68 things! It’s exciting!

I also figured out a way to get a link to Amazon in my sidebar (or if you’re on your phone, at the very bottom of the page). And by “figured out,” I mean a woman who reads me happens to work at WordPress, thank god, and she did it for me.

Anyway, we get downtown and we park near Mr. Greensboro.

There’s a big statue of the guy who Greensboro is named after. His name is Nathanial Greene, but it annoys Ned so much that I will never stop calling the statue downtown “the statue of Mr. Greensboro.”

“Ned, will you take my picture under Mr. Greensboro?” My big plan was to stand the way he was standing. Mr. Greensboro, not Ned.

Here are the fine photographs old ass-head Ned took.

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“Did you get it?”

“Yeah.”

I wonder why we broke up.

Once we were down there, I got excited to stop into Kit’s store and say hello. She was surrounded by people, of course, but we got to greet her and Ned bought me a necklace while we were there. He likes to support Greensboro. Mr. Greensboro.

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“What can we do now?” I asked, after we left Kit’s.

“I thought we were going to drink,” said Ned. I’d already forgotten. Ned hadn’t.

I just feel like this is a great time to link to Amazon again.


Anyway, we went to this brewery that has really good sparkling rosé, and I wonder if anything is girlier than sparkling rosé. Ned had some stupid black beer, to prove he’s all man, and I am delighted to report there were tons of dogs there. Not in Ned’s beer, but at the bar. In fact, that place always makes me miss Lottie, cause I took her there a TON, so much so that when we walked in, they’d always say, “Hey, Lottie.”

Eventually we got hungry, and there was a food truck across the street, so we got in line for it.

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It did not go unobserved by me that they served taquitos, the official food of my fights with Ned. (If you just got here, once I got mad at Ned and threw my leftover taquitos at his car.)

I wonder why we broke up.

I had time to observe every detail of that menu, in fact, as we stood in that line unmoving for about 20 minutes. I mean, seriously, the line did not move. There was a cute black-and-white dog waiting for his food truck food, a dog with which I was seriously enamored.

“Why didn’t you take a picture of some stranger’s dog, June?”

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I did PET said dog, never once looking at its owner, and I managed to photograph Ned in what I assumed was a pre-taquito pose. A moment after I took this, the guy in the food truck shut the door.

“We’re closing for 10 minutes.”

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

“What was the name of that food truck?” Ned asked, as we huffed off. “Sweet Basil,” I said.

“Fuck Sweet Basil. Fuck it right up the ass,” said Ned, who worked in a restaurant for 10 years and is usually pretty tolerant. “They had no idea what they were doing.” He was in a lather, is what he was. He was like when that one guy is Aretha Franklin in the Snickers ad. It was 8 o’clock and he hadn’t eaten since noon.

That is how we ended up at this very posh restaurant downtown, near the food truck, a place we’d only been to once, and that was to have drinks. Hardly anyone ever goes there, it’s so posh. But godDAMMIT we were hungry at this point.

I ended up having the duck with corn and tomato bread pudding. Fancy restaurants always have to give you weird things you’ve never heard of.

And lemme tell you something. Duck with corn and tomato bread pudding? IS EFFING DELICIOUS.

“Oh my GOD!” I said after the first bite. “Oh my GOD,” I said, after the second. Then I was pretty much silent because I was having mouth sex with my duck. It was good. It was goddammit good.

After that, we went into the galleries that were open late, and then it was time to go home. “Will you pose with me with Mr. Greensboro?” I asked, and please see all other references to my life about how I never learn.

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Goddammit, Ned.

When I got home, I had a message from OK Cupid. I had talked to this guy on there for awhile several months ago, and eventually he admitted he found my blog. We just kind of fizzled on talking, and to tell you the truth I’d forgotten about him.

“Hope you had a good time with Ned,” he wrote. “He seems like a pretty nice guy, actually. I was the owner of the black-and-white dog at the food truck.”

!!!!!

So there it is. That guy had a June sighting. And I had a his-dog sighting. I feel like had I looked at him and not his cute dog I’d have recognized him. But I get dog blinders.

I have to go. I started out cleaning the back room off the kitchen, but once I pulled everything out of there to wash the terrible floor, I ended up painting the room.

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I am not making that up. It’s time for the second coat. I used one of the paints FR Laurie gave me when she moved. It’s called Queen Anne’s Lace White. It’s white. If I were going to describe the color, I’d describe it as white.

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Further reports as developments warrant.

Luff,

June

37 thoughts on “Mr. Greensboro

  1. I know it’s not cool to be excited about being first, but lately I’ve been too late to even post a comment and darnit, I’m excited.
    Lovely post, June. Ned needs to go to June’s school of mad photography skills.
    Have a great rest of the weekend.

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  2. P.S. That photo of you mooning the world under the Mr. Greensboro statute just made me snort water all over my computer.

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  3. From his Mr. Greensboro portfolio, it’s obvious Ned has a future in professional photography. I can only imagine what lovely photos of the bride he’d take as a wedding photographer.

    A beautiful necklace, a cute black-and-white dog and a fall-in-love-it’s-so-delicious duck dinner made for a lovely evening, lovely June.

    Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you throw random links to Amazon in your post?

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  4. So, whatcha gonna put in the little room ? I wish I had a dose of ambition. Good paint color. I’d call it white, too.
    Planning to purchase stuff on Amazon prime day.

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  5. Because you probably don’t know…. Is there a way to link your Amazon or do I have to come here first?
    Those pictures are hilarious.

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  6. Remember how people would put every photo on the roll in their albums, even if they were terrible? Digital cameras make it too easy to delete hilarious pictures. Thanks for sharing Mr. Greensboro!

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  7. Sure, i read the post and all, but FIRST, I clicked through the fabulous linky thing on the sidebar right to Amazon to make my Amazon Must Have purchase o’ the day (fire pit bowl and screen, if you must know). I cannot tell you how excited I am by this. I buy from The Man (TM Ned) pretty much three times a week. Saves me from having to go to Target — where I spend even more money, if left unattended.

    Oh, and .. love what you’ve done with the back room.

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  8. I’m pretty impressed with myself for realizing I needed to buy a wedding present for my nephew, remembering you are now an Amazon affiliate, going to your website and clicking the link to enter Amazon so you’ll get the credit, and ordering an Instant Pot. I’m sure you’re rich now! You’re welcome.

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  9. If somebody had told me June could be funnier I would have breezily called them a liar. Color me wrong… adding in Amazon items as related to the conversation had me howling!!

    I have something that is your favorite, a question about the Amazon program that my friend, Linda in CO, wants to know – I swear SHE told me to ask! Will you know when Linda in CO, I mean a friend, buys let’s say a vibrator, “How to Get Rid of a Guy in 10 Days”, arsenic, 40 gallons of ice cream for a snack, mourning lube, etc.?!

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  10. My husband loves duck. It is pretty damn tasty. Corn bread pudding sounds yum but no tomatoes for moi. I love fancy resturants with undescovered food adventures.
    I really like that necklace.
    I thought you were going to say the OK Cupid dude owned the food truck and read you and Ned telling him to eff off. I can’t pet a dog without engaging witb the owner. Great, funny post. I want someone I can call to take me out to get drunk which happens way too easy with the diabeetus.

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  11. LOVE the necklace; choked laughing at the link selections; applaud Ned’s mad photography skillz; now really, really want to try tomato bread pudding.

    So happy for a Saturday post!

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  12. Ned has those mad photo skillz doesn’t he? I like the one of Mr. Greensboro balancing on your head.

    Hee-larious webbed post today, June.

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  13. I AMOST forgot to read today’s not-blog and I’m so happy that I remembered. This was a gem.

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  14. June, what a joy! A Saturday post! (Applause) I loved Ned’s fabulous professional photography and the interesting fact about the OKCupid guy and his cute dog.

    You are a pleasure of life, ma’am.

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  15. I LOVE the relevant Amazon links! And I had the joy of standing in line forever at Aldi’s today while the woman in front of me returned some onions, asked if she could exchange them for different onions, and then took her own sweet time going to the back of the store to get those onions. When she finally came back to the register (with onions or I might have committed murder in an Aldi’s), she said, “Oh, were you waiting for me?” to the cashier. Yeah, honey, and all these people in line were waiting for you, too.

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  16. Those photos with Mr. Greensboro tickled me to pieces! Mr. Texas takes photos like that. sigh.
    You have really become DIY Home Improvement Gal Extraordinaire! Your already cute house is looking even cuter!
    Amazon Prime Day is Tuesday. I’ll order my stuff through you. Yay!
    Lovely post, June

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      1. It’s a discount day for Amazon Prime members. All kinds of crap that never goes on sale will be on sale that day. This my first year to be an AP member, so I don’t know all the deets.
        Speaking of, I’m interested in the hardwood floor steam mops. Anybody got one? Does it work?

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      2. It’s Amazon’s Anniversary celebration. The deals are mostly better than what’s offered everywhere else on Black Friday. 2016’s Prime Day was their biggest day ever which means that you might be a billionaire if all of your loyal followers follow your links before they order!

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  17. I checked yesterday–no post! So, now I am late.
    Those photos of Mr. Greensboro are fantastic. Ned is on his way!
    Ned is also lucky the food truck closed: No taquitos were flung at him.
    I wonder why the guy with the dog didn’t say anything. I think that is weird, why wouldn’t you? It could be because you were with Ned, I suppose. But still. I am sure a June sighting event is a normal part of the day for you. Famous as you are.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  18. Just when I didn’t think your posts could get any funnier, you throw in the Amazon links. Still laughing about the “how to stop drinking” book. That’s freaky about the dog owner!

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    1. Maybe he felt Ned had the upper hand in the situation.
      Next time you could call this dude to go get a relaxing drink with his dog.

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  19. I just completed my first Amazon purchase through one of your links. I hope you get the credit. I’m always afraid I’ve done something wrong but I think it worked!

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  20. I woke my husband up silently laughing at this post. I shake the bed when I laugh. Thank you! You need a dang book deal to collect all of this gold together. I vote to include this one in volume one!

    Like

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