June D. Wattle

Ir currently abhor my appearance.

I’ve been on Weight Watchers THE WHOLE WEEK, and okay, shut up. But I’ve lost no pounds, none! This is the second diet I’ve tried where I lost zero pounds the first week and said, Fuck it. But I’ll keep fucking trying, as I think I paid 11 dollars for the whole month, and I’m gonna get my money’s worth.

Plus also, I’m not Botoxing, and I look like that actress from Throw Mama From the Train.

0f06c10942f581565e4a01b73df968e7--train-movie-fun-movies

Anyway. That’s my current state.

Oh! I painted the back room! I should have warned you to hang on to your hats. My mother is coming to visit Friday, and why do I try to pretend I’m not a slob? Like she wasn’t there for the state of my room from birth to age 18. Okay 22.

Anyway, this weekend I said, Ima clean the house. I’ll go room by room. Ima start with the back room.

IMG_8693.JPG

So I took everything out of there to wash the floor and then I remembered I had all that paint that Laurie left me, and next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and I’m painting the goddamn room.

It took all weekend. The paint can–and Dear Paint Can People: MAKE YOUR FONT BIGGER–said to wait four hours between coats, and I had the rest of my life to live, so it took both damn days.IMG_8741.JPG

TAAA-DAAA! Wow, June, it looks…the same. Yeah, I know. But trust me. It went from beige to white. Also, we all know how I feel about that floor. Once I get rich from you guys clicking to Amazon from my page, I’ll have the floor tiled.

Oh! And one of you said, “Be sure to tell people about Prime Day.” And I was all, yeah, I probably should. On July 11, Amazon has this sale that’s comparable to Black Friday, and it starts at 9 eastern tonight. So if you want to buy anything on Amazon today or tomorrow, do me a solid and get there from my not-blog, will you?

Here. Below is an image. Click on it and it takes you to Amazon.

There. Or, if you come back later, when the Prime Day sale starts, there’s a permanent ad for Amazon on the side of my not-blog now (it’s at the very bottom if you’re looking from your phone). If you click that, it also takes you over to Amazon and Amazon will know you’ve gotten there through me and I will get credit for it.

Oooo, you know what? I have’t looked to see how much cash I’ve made since I started on Thursday or whenever.

Hang on…

$98.23!!!

These Amazon links are hilarious. That’s another one, right up there. Some of you have asked why I just throw in an image and not text, but text won’t work. It just shows up as code. I don’t know why. All this effort to get rich is stressing me out. It’s hard work getting rich.

Also, am extraordinarily grateful to not be named Wallace D. Wattles.

In other news, I won the free baseball tickets at work, finally. I don’t even wanna go to the baseball game, really, it just irked me that I never won. But I did, and I got tickets for this past Saturday night, and I took Ned because Ned adores fucking baseball, and you should have been hanging around with Ned a lot, JUNE.

I know.

“It might rain,” said Ned. “That’d be perfect for you, cause then you’d still look like you were really being nice by trying to take me to a game, but you got to get out of it cause of rain.”

As I drove to his house, I saw a bolt of lightning. As I got out of my car to walk to his door, I heard thunder. I am not making that up.

“We could walk,” said fucking fucking annoying fucking Ned. “It’s not far.”

Careful readers will recall he tried to pull that “let’s walk” bullshit on me on 90-degree-day 4th of July. He wanted me to walk 45 minutes downtown, then walk around downtown, then walk home. I refused, and because Ned is a PIT BULL about plans, he went anyway and dearly regretted it.

I considered that a personal victory.

Since the tickets were gotten by me, with my very strenuous activity of signing up at work, and by “signing up” I mean replying to the receptionist who wrote, “Who wants tickets?” I got to say no. No, we are NOT WALKING, Ned.

God.

We found a parking lot really close by (HAH. SUCK IT, Ned) and as we got out the car, I felt the first raindrop.

Pit bull. “Let’s just go in. We can at least get a hot dog,” said Ned. Seriously, when we broke up, the pit rescue here put an ad with his picture on it.

And I realize I just started this post with a kvetch about m’weight, but you dangle a hot dog in front of me and I will follow. Plus, I’d been painting all day and somehow that makes you ravenous.

Michelangelo must have been a moose.

We had really good seats, which of course meant I was gonna spend the whole time thinking about getting hit with a ball. Ned was on a softball team for, like, 109 years, and assured me if a ball hurled at us he’d catch it. Unlike me, he was actually going to watch the sporting event and not stare at people and the concessions as I was doing.

My point is, it was already raining when we sat down, but it was getting obnoxious very fast. Finally, they pulled a tarp out, which I guess is the international sign for “We’re waiting till it stops raining.”

“Should we go?”

“No, let’s hang around a little longer. See if it clears up.”

I’m really starting to enjoy using my Amazon links for emphasis. There was another link right up there. There’s a part in my Tracy Anderson video where she says, “You’re really going to start to look forward to dance cardio.”

I been doin’ that bitch since March 2012. I still don’t look forward to dance cardio.

The point is, we went into the whatever it’s called. The concierge or the concert or the CONCOURSE. That’s what it’s called. I watched Ned eat a Philly cheese steak, which was sort of riveting, and then we went to the gift shop.

IMG_8698.JPG

A thing no one else on god’s earth thought of. I ran into two people I know, and oh! Here’s the best part!

IMG_8701

LouLou Gehrig was down the hall! You could see the offices from the gift shop, and there she was, just waiting to retrieve bats. They used to have Miss Babe Ruth get the bats, but she retired. You can imagine how calm and not at all obnoxious I was about my LouLou sighting.

IMG_8709.JPG

Finally, it cleared up and we got to sit back down. A worker came over and wiped our seats for us, which is something you say every day.

I think we lost. I have no idea. But we did get soft serve in a plastic baseball hat.

Why didn’t I lose a single pound this week? No, why?

IMG_8718.JPG

Other than that, I don’t have much to tell you. At one point I lost my mind trying to find a certain paint brush, that of course I found last night as I was putting everything back, but in the meantime I screamed down to the Sherwin and his Williams and got a brush to paint trim for $1.29. The whole painting weekend cost me $1.29.

When I returned from the paint store and opened my car door, the thing that usually happens happened, and that is that Steely Dan jumped in the car forthwith.

IMG_8716.JPG

I was exhausted, so I just sat in the car to see what he would do.

IMG_8726.JPG

Turns out, if you let SD in the car to hang, here’s where he ends up wanting to go. He’s like a Virgin Mary figurine. He’s like really fuzzy dice.

I guess fuzzy dice hang from your rearview mirror, don’t they? Do you have anything on your dashboard or hanging from your rearview mirror? In LA, you couldn’t swing a syringe of collagen without hitting someone with a goddamn lei on their mirror. I don’t know what that was but I dearly wanted everyone to lei off already.

IMG_8736.JPG

I managed to capture on film everyone who was a cat last night. Iris mid-prowl.

All right, I’m going to work. You can’t stop me. Even if you try to throw June from the train.

Loff, JOOON

61 thoughts on “June D. Wattle

  1. Baseball, hot dogs, all you need is apple pie for the all-American tri-fecta!
    I am excited about Prime day. And I will remember to shop through the House of June.

    Like

  2. I know you probably won’t know this, but is this a minor league baseball team? That is a nice stadium. Done being a guy now,

    Like

  3. I do not have any car decorations. Traffic here is insane, and I sure don’t need anything to distract me from getting to my destination in one piece.
    Your back room looks nice – new paint makes things look so fresh! I love your glass door knobs.
    At the bottom of this post, one of the suggested posts is “Old Paint”. It’s from 2009, and it’s hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Have been waiting to purchase the ridiculous dog gate through your blog. And maybe some nail polish. And I bet I’ll think of other stuff -OH! Malcolm needs new sandals. His toes are hanging over the edge, and … HOO CARE? Right. Moving on.

    Like

  5. Your victory. Smiley face here.

    I need some of your project energy, I want to paint our bathroom cabinet, but that will evolve into a huge project that will include painting our bedroom.

    Whoa! $98! That’s so exciting.

    The photo at the ball field is beautiful.

    Another hilarious post.

    Like

  6. I have a handmaid wooden cross on a string that I was gifted when I completed the Life In The Spirit series through the prayer group at my church in 1986 hanging on my rear view mirror. It has been with me in every car I’ve had since. It makes me feel safe and I do pray in the car, it helps me not to flip people off and get shot. (My bf is obssessed with road rage) . It also has teeth marks from our first Basset Hound Sadie who chewed on it once when she was left in the car briefly in cold weather. That makes it sentimental. I had silver palm tree mardi gras type beads from a party hanging there too but my husband got a ticket for them so I took them down.

    Like

  7. nothing hanging on the mirror. i have a sparkly rhinestone-ish broncos sticker on the back end of my car. paint is such a lovely invention.

    Like

  8. I have what used to be an air freshener hanging from my mirror. I keep it there even though it’s lost its smell. It features the face of an adorable yellow lab puppy from the Guide Dog organization.
    Good job painting the room, Joon. That is one job you’d never want me to help you with.

    Like

  9. I have a little wooden angel that my niece colored for me. She said it’s my guardian angel, makes me happy every time I look at it.

    Like

  10. I see the little Luau dancing girls stuck on car dashboards. Also those smiley face flower heads that kind of sway-bop around. When I see either of them I feel a surge of rage and want to break all the windows and slash the tires. I’m not sure why they irk me so bad but they do.

    Yay for Amazon money! My aunt always told me that Walmart is trying (and succeeding) to take over the world. I think Amazon was the dark horse of world domination and they are now in first place.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I used to love baseball when my son played – he was the catcher and I felt the need to know ALL the rules – I was THAT MOM (oh shuddap). He finally got so tired of me he gave me two phrases I could use “good job” and “is there a hole in your glove?” anything beyond that and I was grounded. Those days are over and I do not miss sitting outside for 26 out of 30 days in the hot sun sweating and stewing about ALL the rules.

    Like

  12. Although I probably would never have one, I’m weirdly in love with those bobble-waisted? hula girls that you put on your dashboard. Maybe you can get SD to do that?

    The only thing I have on my rear view mirror is a yarn bracelet with beads that spell out “I Believe” that my great-nephew made at Bible School. He gave it to me when his Mom, Dad, brother and he moved to Germany for 5 years. He wanted me to have that “so I wouldn’t forget him” (which, when he said that, ripped my heart right out of my chest) and so I could see it and think of him every day. He was about 4 years old at the time. He’s now 20 and the family has been back from Germany for about 11 years, but I still have that bracelet hanging on my mirror. Have put it on the rear view mirror in every car I’ve owned since he gave it to me.

    I know I’ve said this a hundred gajillion times, but I heart SD!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. “Michelangelo must have been a moose” should be a link. Or a bumper sticker.

    Plastic baseball hats make excellent scoops for large bags of dog food.

    Please don’t ever lei off. Can’t stop June!

    Like

    1. Goddammit, Poet. (Why do you sign in as MTM and not The Poet?) I couldn’t figure out what to do with that hat, so I threw it away, and JUST TODAY I was bemoaning how stupid my dog scoop is. It’s a cup, a plastic cup, from some pretentious puppy food they gave me when I had Lottie. I have to scoop it like 11 times to be enough for Edsel.

      Like

      1. (Because I grabbed a sign-up name whereunder to experience the Land of June some time before you christened me.) For Edsel, you might need to use a real ball cap.

        Like

  14. Also, I am, at times, an Amazon-a-holic, so I will definitely be linking from this web…uh…blog…..uh…..talky thing where June talks and we all adoringly read.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I don’t shop on Amazon, can I tell my family and friends and they can shop through ANY of your link things on any blog post on any day?
    When Alf or you paint the front porch , you can use the left over paint to do the floor in that room. Cheaper than tile and you will feel better sooner.

    Like

      1. Fucking floor. I HATE it when I try to do something and it takes lots of effort and it doesn’t work. Oh, does that make me steamed. Worse, of course, is when I hire someone to some thing house related and it doesn’t turn our well. Then, I am mad AND I’ve lost more money. Dammit.

        Like

  16. This is embarrassing. I used to have something hanging from my rearview mirror. When I stepped on the gas, it would move, I would catch the movement out of the corner of my eye and think someone/something was about to walk in front of my car, and I would slam on the brakes. Over and over, I just could not learn. So now my rearview is dangler-free.

    Like

    1. If the floor is concrete you can use concrete stain and that will never flake or peel. That could be an option for your front porch. We stained the walkway and it is totally exposed to all the elements.
      Just a thought, not advice.

      Like

  17. I am so primed for Prime day, and I’m not talking paint here. Almost a hundred bucks already?!? You gonna be rich in no time!

    Lovely post lovely June!

    Like

  18. Nothing hanging from my mirror. I may or may not work with cars but if I do work with cars, the first thing I do when one is delivered is to cut off whatever is hanging from the mirror. I don’t know why but it just bugs me to no end, for no logical reason. I then look for loose change in the cup holders and under the seats. Cause I am classy and on my own quest for world domination.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Cheech, I don’t literally cut items off (that’s only for the Black Ice and Pine air deodorizes and such). Most times I just take the item off the rear view mirror. I find most car owners will scavenge all the good stuff out of their cars before trading it in so I’m left with mainly old stale deodorizers and 12 cents in change plus a stale french fry or two. French fries and suckers are popular foods for kids in back I think. I have a really cute silver bracelet I wear a lot that was left in a cup holder though.

        Like

  19. I love the sunset photo. It’s like one of the ones fron Pioneer Woman, only without cows.

    I used your Amazon link this weekend to buy some books for one of my little grandsons. He’s having his 24 month birthday tomorrow.

    Like

  20. Nothing hanging from my mirror. However, I have wondered for a number of years about a phenomenon I noticed when we lived in New Jersey for a few months. Tons of cars have crowns on their dashboards. Fancy samchie crowns, bedazzled and bedecked with jewels. Can anyone explain what they are for(we guessed air fresheners) and if designs mean anything. We’ve lived many many places. Only ever saw this in New Jersey.

    Like

    1. I’ve heard over the years that the company that made the crowns was owned by the KKK and also that the crowns signified the hierarchy in the drug world (people who had the crowns were “kings” or “queens” in the hierarchy). But I think the truth is that you’re right; all the crown means is that the owner likes bedazzled air fresheners.

      Like

  21. After further review of the photo of the back room floor, the old paint would have to be scraped/sand blasted off, so tile is a great idea.

    Like

    1. Tee, I know you’ve read me forever. Do you remember when I moved out for my year abroad, I spent AGES scraping and peeling that damn floor, painting it all over again and sealing it, and then like a month later, my tenants were all, The floor is peeling.

      That damn floor. I’m getting kind of excited about retro linoleum.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes!!! Retro linoleum. The real stuff (may) be a little pricey, but it’s very environmentally friendly. Plus, you can make a cute design with different colors, patterns, a frame around the outside of the room. Ooh, I’m salivating thinking of the design prospects for this space… “Forbo Marmoleum is a Natural Linoleum”…

        Like

  22. Oh yes! Put in linoleum! I like to call it that whether it is really linoleum or not. How stupid is “vinyl flooring”?

    Like

    1. I love that new stupid vinyl flooring that looks like wood planks. Have been looking at that for the basement family room in my house that, between piggy kids and yacking cats, has seen better days. A restaurant near me has that kind of flooring and even up close, you can’t tell that it’s vinyl. It looks like wood!

      Liked by 1 person

  23. @Miss Pam, I live in NJ. I believe they are air fresheners, I’ve seen them in auto stores. I think it means the owner considers themselves a King, Queen, Princess etc. I think they are tacky but I have a devil duck on a spring on my dash board that color coordinates with my SUV, so perhaps I have no room to talk. It is with my hanging wooden cross because I’m well rounded or crazy.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s