I’m in my prime. You are too.

First of all, before we all up and forget, it’s Steely Dan’s birthday. He is one, according to the estimated birth date the vet gave him back when I first brought him in. I would take a picture of old Steely Dan, but he’s outside tripping the elderly or whatever the hell. He’s mostly a come home to his flophouse, eat and fall into a dead sleep kind of a cat. Not much of a lounge-around-with-you-inside creature. He’s outdoorsy, like his mom.

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SD as a bitty thing. This phenomenon lasted .0007 seconds.

But wherever he is, I do love that cat. I admire his spirit. I admire his gumption to, as a bitsy boopy baby slip of a lost gray kitten–barely able to walk yet–find those two college boys on a rainy afternoon and say, save me. save steeleee dan. 

And now he’s big and healthy and tripping old ladies. Or whatever.

Anyway, that is not why I gathered you all here today. I gathered you all here to tell you about my evening. Because, busy?

I had a lot I wanted to accomplish last night. I had freelance work to do, and I wanted to get to page 10 (aka work for two hours), then do my workout, then clean the kitchen in anticipation of my mother’s visit. My goal was to clean one room per day so I wouldn’t get all exhausted and cranky.

So, when 5 o’clock rolled around, I stayed at work and started on m’freelance. I wasn’t hurting anyone; I was just sitting at my desk reading papers. But I was already in work mode: I figured if I drove home I’d find a way to distract myself.

But near 5:30 I remembered I had to pick up my contacts. I wear daily contacts, and I get them in 90-day packs, and the last time, for some unknown reason, they gave me a different brand. They were called Daily Comfort or some other similarly ironic name, because they felt exactly like I was wearing dinner plates in my eyes.

Nevertheless, I persisted. I am such a tomboy. I went all 90 horrific days wearing this stupid brand of contacts, that I abhorred, and when it was time to reorder, I was extra super clear about what kind I wanted.

Here’s the problem. All daily contacts are in blue boxes. I don’t know why this is, but it’s a thing. And they all have the same kind of stupid names: Focus Daily Aqua Moist Comfort Dailies Daily Comfort.

But I got the woman at the store to assure me I’d get the right ones this time, and they were ready for pickup, and I was so excited that I’d made it through those 90 days of hell and waterboarding, but I had to scream over there fast before they closed.

So I left work and stampeded over, and as per usual, there was only one person working and one extremely annoying customer who was convinced his frame purchase was the most riveting thing anyone has ever considered.

“Now, do these have the progressives?”

If there’s anything that says nerd, it’s progressive lenses.

June. Driving away all the (horseshoe-haired) progressive-lenses wearers, since 2017. (It’s been awhile since I offended the horseshoe-haired.)

Anyway, eventually my contacts guy said, “Rob, you mind giving me a minute while I help this young lady?” My contacts guy is really nice, even though he’s a Republican. It’s not the first time I’ve been in there while he’s dealing with frame narcissists.

I finally got my (correct!!) contacts and stampeded to the store for a rotisserie chicken and some green beans, which I ate like a cave woman when I got home. I was fucking starved, as I had had an extremely disappointing Weight Watchers frozen lunch entree. It was so bad that I offered half of it to Edsel, and he was all, edz say thank yu, but he cutting out karbz.

You know it’s bad when your dog, who adores poop, turns up his snout.

Among my plans last night was, of course, walking Edsel. But first? The kitchen. Oh, I put away dishes and washed countertops and tried to get the dried paint out the sink and polished the faucets and cleaned the broiler and scrubbed the floor and I even took off the doorknob to the pantry and put it back on going the right way. The thingie was backward and it wouldn’t shut easily.

I’m so butch lately with m’doorknobs and m’thingies.

I got on my stepstool to change a burnt-out bulb, and realized I needed a fancy kind I did not have. Those kitchen bulbs rarely burn out, and I think the old owner left me, like, two or three replacements.

This meant I was gonna have to go to Lowe’s. Again.

I was just there this Sunday. I was returning some door shellac that I was thinking of using on the front door to make it high gloss. The girl who sold it to me admitted she was thoroughly hung over, and when I got home, I realized the gloss was for indoor use only. Nice hangover, Efficiency Expert. God. So I decided the door was FINE, and I had been planning to return the damn stuff for forever.

On Sunday, I was driving around buying a paintbrush anyway, so I headed to Lowe’s after to return the shellac. The Return of the Shellac. While I was driving, I was listening to the pet psychic on my Sirius radio, and I got the brill idea to call her to ask why Edsel attacked Lottie.

Naturally, the lines to the pet psychic were totally jammed, so I kept trying to call call call, and there I was in line at Lowe’s, my shellac in one hand and my phone in the other, when

BLOOP

I dropped the goddamn phone on the hard concrete floor o’Lowe’s.

This has resulted in my phone acting wonky, and I dearly wanted to take it to the Apple store Monday night, but please see all of the above bullshit I hadda get done. In fact, I was IMing with Faithful Reader Fay yesterday, and I told her, “I was at Lowe’s when I dropped my phone because I was trying to hold some door shellac and call the pet psychic at the same time, and now I’ve screwed up my phone.”

“That was the most June sentence you’ve ever uttered,” she wrote back.

Anyway, there I was at home Monday night realizing I had to go back to get a weird lightbulb, and I was also realizing that cleaning one room a night wasn’t going to work, because mom gets here on Friday and I have eight rooms.

Goddammit. Maths. Not m’strong suit.

So I also cleaned the dining room, and discovered a burnt-out bulb THERE, too, which ALSO needed a weird bulb, so you know what I did?

I killed two birds, is what I did.

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I took Edsel to Lowe’s. Note my light bulbs in my purse, because my purse has an idea.

I had an absolutely ADORABLE photo of Eds in the checkout line, sitting ahead of me but tilting his head back to look at me, but see above re phone. Wonky. I barely got THIS photo as it was. Stupid broken phone. It probably had PTSD returning to the scene of the crime.

I’m two payments from paying it off, of course.

When we got home (we walked all the aisles, and in the mirror aisle, I noticed Eds stopped to admire his own self in each one), I replaced the bulbs, commenced to copy editing, and fell into an exhausted heap by 10. Not done: the workout.

Fuck it.

Oh, and before I go, I have to remind you that today is Amazon Prime day, which I never paid attention to but now that I’m getting rich off them I care about deeply. Apparently you get Black-Friday-like deals today. So below is a photo that links you to Amazon; go there from here and I get thousands and hundreds of dollars to buy a new fucking phone.

Prime-ly,

June

72 thoughts on “I’m in my prime. You are too.

  1. You definitely earn the award for most humorous and definitely not boring use of Amazon associate links. I crack up at those now too!

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  2. Edz, out doing some shopping.

    I’m pretty sure that you got a workout, just doing all that stuff last night, so you’re good.

    I love that picture of bitey, bitty SD!

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  3. You know, we quit cable TV a few months ago and I just had the realization that we don’t miss it because Book of June offers us comedy, drama and reality TV every day! Great post, as usual.

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  4. I shattered my phone screen the week after I paid it off. I won’t even type out the curse words I said.

    For a few weeks back when I was feeling spry, I decided to do one home improvement project per month. I painted an outdoor post and scrubbed the kitchen grout and cleaned the baseboards. Then I realized it was overrated and quit (or just got lazy.) I’m not sure why but this past weekend I felt less lazy and more spry so I scrubbed the bathroom grout and now I feel like I need to lie down for a week.

    June’s Mom – don’t read this. I have found that if I leave some dirt or a bed unmade when my mother comes for a visit, she will clean that stuff up for me. Of course then she puts me to work and I don’t sit down for two days, but its an effective cleaning method and then when you do get to lie down like an X on your bed, it’s really satisfying.

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  5. JUNE!! Order your damn light bulbs from Amazon!! Use your link!! Although, last time we needed light bulbs, we bought something called the “contractor” package and got skatey eight light bulbs for the same price as two. (That was at Home Depot, but probably Lowes has the same deal.) (Related: I haaaaaaaate buying light bulbs.)

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    1. I needed the guy’s help re these weird ones. I don’t know why they can’t be clear. “This is the whooo dee blooo light.” But no. It has to say 3949392WL and then you buy 33394499QH for it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you discover you need a bulb Lowe’s doesn’t stock, try Batteries + Bulbs on Battleground. [ducking livers now] I have a 1930s light fixture that needs the special bulbs.

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  6. Re: Cleaning one room a day. Some of you know of my prior co-worker, Angela, who recently retired. Angela and her husband, Rosario, are very VERY old world Italian. When Angela was getting ready to retire, she remarked to Rosario, who does less than NOTHING around the house EVER,* what was she going to do with herself all day. Rosario said, “You acleana dis houz. One-a rhume a day. When you afinish, you astart over. Ita finally be aclean.” So I drove to their house and killed him.

    *He will tend to the tomatoes and zucchini that he planted IN THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE. But, when lentils are on the menu (ack, ptui) and Angela would ask him, politely, in Italian, to please soak the beans, he would get mad because howa mucha he hasa to do. “I no hava time to asoak deh beenz.” Because, you know, dumping beans into a pot of water is so labor intensive.

    (DNGMS on their kids.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DNGMS? I am slow on the uptake…do not get me started? Help the acronym impaired out wouldja? Rosario better be awesome in the sack, that’s all I’m sayin’.

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  7. Due to circumstances beyond the control of anyone but the Wizard of Cyberspace, your post came up on my screen really really really big. I love your left eye make-up and SD’s paw looks like a bear paw. Cool.

    You mock the progressive lenses. Just you wait and see who has the last laugh. Thank God I don’t have horseshoe hair. I might have gotten offended. Or not.

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        1. And then I read the ENTIRETY of the comments. Dammit. Your wrist tatoo suggestion: READ THE COMMENTS in typewriter font.
          So I’ve been searching for the photo of you in sunglasses in the side view mirror that Aunt Kathy took. Or maybe your dad. You did not look like a man.

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  8. I’ve always had the opinion that those frozen WW dinners taste like poop. Eds has now informed me that I’m wrong, they are definitely worse than poop. Plus, they aren’t enough food! They’re like Chinese – you eat one and are hungry less than an hour later.

    Also, Mother is correct – she is coming to see you, not the house.

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    1. I remember having a WW Ravioli meal. There were five ravioli. FIVE. I eat more than that seeing if they’re done yet. (Which explains WHY I needed to go on WW.)

      Liked by 2 people

    2. The thing about Chinese food is that an hour later you’re hungry. The thing about Mexican food is that an hour later you wish you’d had Chinese food.

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  9. awww…love mother’s comment.

    my purse had an idea.

    also? after posting that i had nothing on my car mirror — my boss dropped off a car tag. to hang on the mirror.

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  10. I bought stuff on Amazon Prime last night. Forgot about June. Remembered June. Cancelled both orders. Went to June’s non-blog. Rebought both orders through June’s link. June better send me a postcard from her cruise around the world.

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    1. WOW! That was nice of you, Arli. I just went on there and you guys have bought a TON of stuff! June. Encouraging consumerism, as long as it’s not progressive lenses, since 2017.

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  11. Dear Mother,
    Awww. Sweet.
    Horseshoe hair cracked me up.
    We call that a rim job when we have one of those clients in for a haircut.
    Will attempt to put an Amakazon order in from the Canadian hinterland.
    Wish me luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Love your mom. Looks like I will be ordering dry cat food from Amazon, yet another store I shop is not going to carry it any longer. More cash for June. Oh, also too! My vintage Pyrex bowl I found on Amazon through your link arrived yesterday.

    I sympathize with you, I’m running around crazy today cleaning house, because my husband has a meeting here tonight, trying to can a bushel of beans I bought and prepare a couple of dishes to take to s bridal shower tonight. I need a maid. Plus we are having a party the 22nd. I also need a vacation.

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  13. I saw really fancy light bulbs when we were out for dinner at a fancy restaurant MONTHS ago, and remarked about how they would look SO MUCH BETTER in our light above the dining room table. They were clear, and the inside part was the same color as the light fixture. THEN, I was at Target and saw a similar light–asked a helper and found them! They were $15 a piece. I fretted. I needed 4. I fretted. I found some that were smaller…and less cool for $10 a piece. I put them in my cart. I fretted. And then I said fuck it and bought the expensive ones. I still feel guilt. I haven’t put them in yet, because I am waiting (no, not for a girl like you) until all the other ones burn out. I’m weird.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  14. I’m going to shop some today. Like I need anymore crap….Karen in VB is about to convince me to buy an Instapot.

    Happy Birthday, SD! I love him so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have noticed there is great disparity in opinions re: the Instant Pot. From “I LOVE IT! It cooks my whole meal in .08 seconds! My life is forever changed!” to “HATE IT! This dumb appliance is no faster than my crock pot! I regret ever laying eyes on it!”
      I don’t know who to believe.

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    2. Another blogger just posted on Facebook that she couldn’t decide about that pot and requested input. I should’ve tagged Karen from VB.

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        1. Ima fan of the instapot. I like that one can sauté and then cook in the same pot. But, it does take a while to heat up (or pressurize?) (whatever, it’s a bit like magic), and so that adds to the time one needs to cook. It’s taken the place of my beloved (but flaky) rice cooker and my slow cooker. I had started getting worried about the finishes, lead in ceramic, flaking bits of cancer and whether I was the worst parents ever–yes, I have dramatic tendencies. The instant pot is metal so I’m less worried now.

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  15. Happy birthday, Steely. Lovely post, June. Well, except for the comment about progressive lenses. Jeanie resent. You just wait till it’s your turn.

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      1. No. Progressive lenses are the ones with no lines for bifocals or trifocals. In other words, they look like regular glasses. Glasses to sunglasses are transition glasses. I don’t have those so you are forgiven.

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          1. Transition lenses. I have those. [You can also get progressive lenses that transition.] I love them. They are so much better than having a separate set of prescription sunglasses. There are different colors of transition lenses – you can get either grey or brown, and in each whether you want them darker or not so dark.
            Why do you hate them?

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              1. When I could wear contacts I wore real sunglasses. Yes, they are cooler. Due to a scratched cornea, I’ll never wear contacts again.

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              2. My eye doctor said that wearing sunnies helps keep cataracts from developing longer. Especially if you have light-colored eyes (blue, grey, hazel, etc.) Mine are prescription, same as the “progressive” lenses on my glasses, and they look cool with a bit of a cat-eye glamour to go with. I like that I can sit outside, read a book or menu, and still have my sunglasses protection.

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          2. Transition. I’ve never had them and don’t want them. I’d rather pick out a cool pair of sunglasses in addition to my regular glasses. (Having trouble with my keyboard. Till I made the correction, this said “regular asses.” Oh, I kill me!)

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  16. I used your link last night, and will order some more today b/c birthdays are coming up and i love me a deal. Right now, am off to the humane society with my granddaughter to ogle kittens.

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  17. I just ordered an Instapot…I’m such a slave to fashion. My husband hates Amazon with the heat of a thousand suns, and thinks Bezos is the second Antichrist after all the Waltons, so I usually avoid Amazon, but this ones’ for June.
    Lovely post, June.

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  18. I’m sorry you dropped your phone, but my favorite line was Fay’s response, “That was the most June sentence you’ve ever uttered.”

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  19. I just placed an order through your link. With all of the orders by your faithful readers, you will soon be Richie Rich. Or, at least, the female version of him.

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  20. Instapot, pet poop bags, and Dyson vacuum purchases made. I am really trying to help you become old Jed the millionaire.

    Like

  21. “Nice hangover, Efficiency Expert” Literally laughed out loud. Thank you for still blogging, you crack me up!

    Like

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