Jardins de tarte à la lune

Right now, mostly I’m just waiting for my avocados to ripen.

At the grocery store Sunday, where I went to buy all the stuff for my food prep, there were two choices: the black avocados that were mushy–not at all unlike the current state of my hips–or the green ones, that were hardened like my attitude toward any of those Teen Moms.

I elected to get the green hard unrelenting ones with pursed lips (avocados, not Teen Moms), and put them in a paper bag, as I heard that’s how you ripen things. I have no idea if that’s true or not, but I’ve done it since I started living on my own.

Well.

The first few years I lived on my own, I feel like all I ever bought at the store was fish sticks, red fruit punch and salted peanuts in the shell. But whenever it was that I got a modicum of maturity and ventured into peaches.

I decided to food prep Sunday, because part of the reason I’m Why So Chubby Gardens, Moon Pie Gardens, is that I get home from work ravenous, and I could go to the grocery store, buy a chicken breast and whip that up after I’ve also headed to the farmers market and gotten some fresh produce. Or, I could drive though Freddy’s and eat a turtle sundae.

So. I got inspired to food prep.

There’s a young woman at work–a young lady, because I’m 417. I put $5 in a birthday card for you, honey–who is forever getting on social media to show you the quinoa she bought, and then she goes on to tell you what she’s food prepping that week, and it always involves chopping sweet potatoes and the like.

She has glowing skin. She’s also, like, somewhere between 18 and 28, and when I was between those ages, Sundays were for figuring out where the hell you were and getting home to sleep it off.

Once, when Ned was in his 20s, he woke up …not at home, after some party, and was incredibly hung over. He was walking back to his place not feeling so fresh, when a quite-clearly-gay man pulled over in some sort of fancy car and said seductively, “Want a ride?”

Ned felt so dreadful, and did not want to appear homophobic and also did not want to walk in the heat any more so very much, that he looked at the guy, figured he could beat him up should he make forceful advances, and took the ride. It was maybe a block in that the guy said, “I have a hot tub at home.”

“If you tell this story, you need to make it clear that all he did was drop me off. A block from my house,” said Ned, when I called to ask if I could tell this story.

So after Ned made sweet experimental love to the gay guy, he went home and food prepped.

My theory is if my Young-miss, here’s-a-quarter-for-mowing-my-lawn coworker can shake off the hangover to food prep (she probably gets hung over on quinoa benders. “Oh, I had way too much kale last night! I’ll get right on over to my bikram class to detoxify.”) (What the fuck is wrong with this next generation? Okay, I realize she’s technically two generations from me. Isn’t she? Aw, hell, I have no idea.) (Gen X is the best! And clearest-thinking!) that I could too.

Hey, sentence.

So I looked up (brace yourself) recipes, got all excited about food, stopped at Freddy’s for a restorative sundae, and went to the store. Where, hey, Three Bears Beds avocados.

But I did make a lot of stuff. For instance, I made this chicken salad? Where I actually cooked chicken breasts and shredded them? That has almond butter in it. And grapes. And you serve it in a lettuce wrap.

I know, right? Look at June. By the way, when you click on that link, you’re going to want to get drunk on kale. She’s all “Here’s my recipe!” and then shows you 40 million other people’s recipes first, which was super helpful when I was at the store trying to buy ingredients. “Oh, HELL, this is that other recipe [scroll scroll scroll].”

Anyway, I made all the stuff, and put it away, and was so thrilled with own self and was waiting for skin to glow Sunday night, when somewhere in the night

Somewhere in the night we will know
Everything lovers can know
You’re my song, music too magic to end
I’ll play you over and over again

Sorry. I was back to Ned’s Big Gay Sunday of 1986.

Somewhere in the night, it dawned on me that I had vegetables all chopped up, and hummus, and chicken salad, and holy shit I could really go for something to eat right about now.

And that is how I spent my Sunday eating all my food prepped food.

You should never trust this latest generation.

41 thoughts on “Jardins de tarte à la lune

  1. You may be on to something – prep AND eat all the food on the Sunday and you’re done worrying about it for the week! Of course, the problem will be overcoming starvation on the other six days, but surely Pinterest has that covered, too!

    I’m impressed when I meet a younger person who knows how to prepare their own food. The youngsters I work with (all between the ages of birth and 389 months) are all hopeless when it comes to food. I mentioned to one girl/woman/chick (what DO we call them? Cue Britney – Not a girl, not yet a woman.) that I was making a menu for the week so I could do a shopping list and she stared at me like I had said I was building a rocket ship to take a quicks spin to Mars. “You’re making a… what? How does that work exactly?” Oh, boy.

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  2. i’m often wont to do this as well. i’ve also gotten over myself and will pay for semi prepped food. it’s just reality that i’m not going to chunk up a whole watermelon on my own.

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  3. I love avacadoes but have the love hate thing going on so I have stopped buying them for a while. If they are green and unripe, I’ll wait until I think they are ripe, then when I cut into them they are NOT close to ripe and I have ruined it because it will just turn brown and gross. Your chicken salad sounds delicious. Poor Ned, luckily he escaped!!!!

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  4. Paper bag with a banana is what I do. I think the avocados will ripen on their own though. Also when I instacarted yesterday, I wanted an avocado and the listed price was FOUR dollars each. I feel guilty enough making someone else schlep to the store for me. No way was I paying four bucks for a stupid avocado.

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  5. I bought two beautiful green avocados last week and I was patient. (Just a little patience…yaaaa—yaaa.) A little TOO patient. That was disappointing.

    I am such a fly by the seat of my pants dinner maker. I never know what I am making, and I am usually hitting the grocery store at 4:00 trying to figure it out. Yesterday, I actually bought the stuff for tacos tonight so I am set! Except for the avocados.

    I totally agree–what IS with this new generation and their kale and green smoothies and the like? I am much more of a chocolate sundae person as well.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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    1. That’s the problem with avocados. They have one day of perfection, and you can’t always count on getting that day right. They need some sort of sticker that alerts you: THIS IS THIS AVOCADO’S GOOD DAY.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. All of my child like coworkers are male. We have a lot of food at work and most of them think it needs to be thrown away if it hasn’t been eaten by lunchtime the following day. One of these kids pulled a bottle of barbecue sauce that was about a week old out of the refrigerator and said shouldn’t this be thrown away? Argh!

    Oh and also could you learn how to clean up after yourselves? Shut a cabinet door? Mop up the spaghetti sauce that you dropped all over the floor? Wipe down the counter where you dribbled coffee?

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  7. I just saved a June Gardens recommended recipe to my Pinterest page! The world has shifted and ima feeling a little unstable.

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  8. Holy moly, I jumped onto the blo- website here and thought I was in Giada’s kitchen what with all this food prep and recipe talk. Next thing you know, you’ll be making homemade doggie biscuits for Edsel and pampered princess meals for Eyeris. Giada’s hoots (who HASN’T seen Giada’s hoots, they’re splayed all over the place in every show she’s in), anyway Giada’s hoots got nothing on your hoots. If you ever show a picture of you prepping food, please wear a tight cut out, boob showing dress like Giada does. I do like her food but good lord, enough of the hoots, Giada! A lot of Giada’s dresses lately look very dominatrix-like. I think Bobby Flay has a perpetual hard on whenever they host a show together. I think I may be watching too much Food Network lately.

    You’re so pretty, Joob!

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      1. Oh my god, WHY IS EVERYONE QUITTING FACEBOOK OF JUNE? I used to never look at the numbers, and then one day I did, and EVERY DAY we lose people. WHY, god?

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  9. Lovely post, June. Every day (see what I did there?) I read to the bottom of the comments, having been amused from title to last comment, and then I scroll down to “Just the Tip” and end my Moments with June and Co. with a final laugh.

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  10. This:
    “If you tell this story, you need to make it clear that all he did was drop me off. A block from my house,” said Ned, when I called to ask if I could tell this story.

    So after Ned made sweet experimental love to the gay guy, he went home and food prepped.

    Dead.

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  11. You had me at “restorative sundae,” but I’m also loving “[scroll scroll scroll]” because isn’t that what we do ALL THE TIME?!? “No, wait, that picture was right here.” Sunday night food prep would be a snap if I didn’t live with someone who has a hankerin’ for something NOT prepped. I’ll give you an “A” for effort. Now, go have a restorative sundae.

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  12. This post is hilarious. I’ve snorted all the way through it. I’m very impressed with all the food prep. I need to follow your example. I do try to keep vegetable soup available so we have at least one good serving of vegetables a day, but that’s is not always desirable when it is really hot. That chicken salad look delish. I find it amazing that the young people working at the grocery store do not know what most of the vegetables are and have to be told, “that’s a cucumber not a squash.” Obviously, they aren’t accustom to eating vegetables, mostly Chick-fil-A here and speaking of CFA, they have done away with the cole slaw and replaced it with a kale salad covered in syrupy dressing. I am put out over that turn of events. Mr. Truett (Cathy) is probably turning over and over in his grave.

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  13. Thanks for the giggles and snorts June. Fish sticks, red fruit punch and salted peanuts in the shell could be a new weight loss diet. With a leaf of Kale for decoration. I used to think that was the only use for kale, a hint of greenery on your restaurant pale looking turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy plate. But I do like me a good kale salad now. The secret is to massage it. Really. Sounds weird and kind of pretentious but it makes a difference. Plus you can make a big batch and it will last a week in fridge. Longest comment ever for me but I’m on the vacation and not doing a damn thing. Also love the Ned gay love story. Nothing like that ever happens to me!

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  14. This:

    “Oh, I had way too much kale last night! I’ll get right on over to my bikram class to detoxify.” (What the fuck is wrong with this next generation?

    I’m thinking of having a bumper sticker made.

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  15. Yes!! I wasted entirely too much time 18-28 looking for my pantyhose and wondering where I’d parked my car. And you would beat the cow manure out of that phony, home-schooling, I-have-no-household-staff (pffft, as if), hair-color-from a-box, full-of-tomatoes Pioneer Whore on Food Network, so get on that. With love from my vacation.

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  16. That is my favorite Barry song. I’ve never been to Freddy’s but I saw there’s one near here. I guess I’ll need to head over soon, before I start seeing the nutritionist. Gen X FTW! Look at you being all adult and prepping your food. Good for you!

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  17. The thing about avocados is that you really have to come to terms with the fact that you will almost never find it perfect and that even if they are a little under ripe or over ripe they really taste the same. The little brown flecks don’t make them taste any different, you just have to use it that day.

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  18. When we stay at our Hollywood apartment I food prep on Sunday before we drive up because 1. the kitchen is the size of a postage stamp and 2. No oven, no counter space and I have to schlep groceries down to the dungeon apartment. I make a bitching kale and quinoa salad that you can prepare in advance.

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  19. I forgot to buy avocados when I was at the store and I was annoyed with myself the rest of the day.
    I just put them in the bowl with the apples until ripe and then put them in the fridge.

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  20. All this talk of avocados made me buy one for dinner tonight. Believe it or not, I was able to buy one today that was perfect. That doesn’t happen often.

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  21. Oh, and also… I bought an avocado at the grocery store last week and put it in my purse instead of using a plastic bag (just watched “A Plastic Ocean”) and then forgot about said avocado until yesterday when I was cleaning out my purse. ‘Twas a goner.

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