Finding the silver cloud

Is there anything worse than someone insisting they have an old soul? I believe you misheard: You’re not an old soul, you’re an asshole

Hey, how’s everyone doing?

Project “Tell Everyone I’m Overwhelmed” is underway, and it’s not going well. “Oh, you can’t be that busy. Come have dinner.” Also, “Ima email/call/text/IM you to discuss how busy you are and tell you how busy *I* am.”

I even had someone email me back to ask if I could help write his book. With all m’spare time.

Sigh. Some people are just mad at me. I mean. Thanks. Thanks for understanding. I was needing more stress, and I appreciate it.

I did get pretty far yesterday on my big, ongoing freelance project (How’s the perpetual calendar going June? Did you get the calendar done? The perpetual calendar you told us about? Did you get it done? Did ya? OH SHUT UP), farther than I had planned to get (then you could have gone on to that perpetual calendar, June), and as you can see, I was really able to relax once I put that work down.

Once I got my freelance work done (Well, it wasn’t done, June. Because you have that perpetual–[stabs self in head with meat cleaver]), I watched a little Jane the Virgin, and in this episode, they managed to say versions of “I get it” four times. “Yeah, I get it, Petra…” “You don’t love me anymore, I got it.”

Etc.

This is a lot like when I used to watch that show Felicity, and in every episode they’d say, “Here’s the thing.” At some point, someone would be trying to get their point across and say it. “Here’s the thing, Ben…”

That was in 1999, when my biggest stressor was trying to find a good place to get acrylic nails, and I was still irked as all get-out.

MovieMug.jpgThe good news is, I have a coffee mug now from my old theater I like to go to! They opened a new gift shop this summer. Am delighted. Next week they’re showing The Princess Bride, and it would be inconceivable that I would not go.

Oh! Also? I completely paid off one of my credit cards last month, and then yesterday I got a bill from them for $11.15. I never. It was interest they had the nerve to charge me left over from last month. Annoy. Lu annoy. I went on line and paid it angrily.

$11.15. I hope they choke on it. Jerks.

So, I’m still tense, in case that wasn’t obvious, but I’m SCREAMING through my debt, and got a nice note from the lawn guy I owed money to (“A lot of really rich people are harder to get money from than you’ve been,” he wrote, “Thank you for being so honest.”) (I mean, I owed him like $470 or something, and it’s a sad day when you have to be that grateful. Are people really that terrible about paying? The only reason I got behind with my lawn guy is he sent my invoice via text to the wrong phone number for two months, and then when I texted him about something he was all, “Oh my GOD, no WONDER I haven’t heard from you” and then was very understanding about me taking whatever time I needed to pay him back, so.).

I’m just going to leave that sentence back there and start another one. Anyway, I’m paying off my credit cards and it’s very satisfying, and also my other debts like to the lawn guy and a medical bill that’s been hanging over me, not literally because why would I have a medical bill hanging over me, that’s just bad design.

That sentence wasn’t much better.

BUT ALSO, I have now lost three pounds, which I know isn’t that exciting, but it took forever for anything to budge, over here, and now it seems to be budging, and I’ve finally gotten to a point where I am not starving half to death all the time, with Sally Struthers making a commercial about me, and that’s a plus.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. I’m trying to see the silver cloud, as someone wrote on the internet last night. You ever wanna relax, be a copy editor trying to read the comment section online anywhere.

I just saw Steely Dan jump into the washer to look for clothes to chew. I discovered that he’s chewing clothes that’re IN the hamper. Remember how when I had Lottie, I’d show you her growth progress via the holes in my hamper?6a00e54f9367fb883401b8d2065816970c.jpgOh my god, I know it’s insane to miss that berserk dog, but I miss that berserk dog. Either she or Steely Dan chewed that black-and-white-striped shirt you can see in the hamper.

I love how you can see Cat in the Hat paw of Edsel in the corner. Remember when the mom came home in Cat in the Hat and all you saw was her foot?

Anyway, Steely Dan, that berserk cat–and why the theme, June–has been pulling things THROUGH THE HOLES, I discovered, and so now not only do I have to Anne Frank all my CLEAN clothes, I also have to Anne Frank the laundry basket.

I just went ahead and gave him one of the shirts he chewed, thinking he could come back to it, like it could be his Blu, and he doesn’t care about it. dis ABC shirt. allreddy bin chew.

IMG_9212.JPGHe’s lucky this also goes on, because otherwise he’d be at the glue factory.

I better go, but don’t let me forget to tell you about my father sending me an enormous box of family memorabilia, mostly things my grandmother wrote, the one I’m turning into, the one who might just have been dramatic from time to time.

Shut up.

IMG_9210.JPGHere, for example, is a note she placed atop a clipping of papers, and I was all, Oh, here we go.

I knew it was a note from her because she always typed everything. A big hobby with her was typing scathing notes to stores that pissed her off, and the media, and she has (well. now I have) a really lovely note from Andy Rooney after she’d written him where his letter began, “Dear Mrs. Gardens, It wouldn’t take much for me to call you Evelyn.”

I mean, that there is charming. She managed to charm, because she seemed like a saucy old lady, but that’s because you didn’t have to actually live with her.

[Every single one of my old boyfriends across America just got a shiver.]

[SHUT UP, OLD BOYFRIENDS.]

Oh lord, I gotta go. I realize when I get stressed out my writing, like my hair, just gets bigger and bigger. I have to remember, BILLS! DEBT! SAVINGS! and oh,

a link to Amazon! Click above and shop, so I get rich and stop boring posts where I talk about freelance!

Love,

Joooob

48 thoughts on “Finding the silver cloud

  1. I am almost afraid to comment, for fear my comment will add to your stress. Please feel free to ignore this not at all important bit of nothingness.

    I simply CANNOT wait for you to be un-busy enough to peruse that box of deliciousness from your grandma. Oh, what fun! My MIL was an angry note/letter/kill order writer – we have a whole tub full of stuff she left behind. We call it the One Million Things I Hate About All of You box. She was not fun. But we do amuse ourselves occasionally by quoting some of her better lines. Not only was she angry, but she was also a terrible speller and borderline illiterate. She believed she had dementia due to exposure to Agent Orange – it was never explained to us just how she got exposed, but don’t get caught up in the details – except she called it Aged Orange. Like she was suffering from old fruit. Oh, what fun we have with that. She also had a whole theory about the origins of life that involved the Um-Biblical cord. The argument falls apart if you are aware that it is actually “umbilical”. But again – the details.

    Again – ignore this with your busy self. Silver clouds are in your future!

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    1. OMG, not THAT Lisa, I think you need to share one of her letters with us from time to time. I just laughed right out loud in the office and actually needed to walk away from my computer. Aged Orange and Umbiblical cord!

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    1. Me, me, I have! Love the book and the movie as well. It is one of the movies that I will stop and re-watch no matter how busy I am.

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  2. Don’t answer this because I know you’re busy, but why is it so very easy to accumulate the debt and so very hard to pay it down and/or off? Why. Honestly, to me it’s like weight gain – easy to pack on, hard to get off. Sigh.

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  3. Stress to hysterical.
    Three pounds is a lot. If you don’t think so, go pick up 3 lbs of chicken in the meat department and try to hide it on your body.
    You’re stressed. We get it. But by golly, you’re on it.
    Aged Orange.
    Also, too, additionally you put that huge coffee mug, which is very cool, up front and center and the first thing I saw was that little face on the tree. I thought you were being haunted. Speaking of which, get some rest, little June up there looks like she’s going to burst into flame any second.

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  4. hilarious post. who doesn’t love to quote PB? congrats on the debt reduction. oh. i’m on pins and needles to read all of my mom’s diaries. when she dies, that is. i gotta know what WAS SHE THINKING???!!!

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  5. Evelyn Gardens, like LNTL’s MIL, was something! She was the complete opposite of my sweet quiet grandmother so Evelyn would have scared me, I’m certain of that.

    Congratulations on reducing both debts and pounds. The work-your-butt-off lifestyle is effective, if not tiring. Get some rest. If you haven’t got your health, then you haven’t got anything.

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  6. June – You ARE stressed! The Princess Bride is week after next – Monty Python’s Holy Grail is next week. I can’t tell you how stressed that made me when I read your blo-website. I mean, I love both movies but if you think you’re going to see Princess Bride and John Cleese shows up in a bad suit of armor… it is disconcerting to say the least.

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      1. Man. Do I ever love the Monty Python. Let’s be sure to use high-pitched fake British accents now, and quote Monty Python. Cause that makes me happy.

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        1. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! (You’ll just have to imagine the high-pitched accent.)

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  7. My Nana used to type notes and stick them on everything. When she died we found a very nice set of silverware in its own box with a typed note affixed that read “this is for my grand daughter Jill. The rest of you keep your damn hands OFF!”
    Lovely.

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  8. I walked into the veedeo store yesterday, yes an actual place where you walk in and peruse walls and displays of these cylinders that come in plastic cases called DVDs. Anyway I walked in and PRINCESS BRIDE WAS PLAYING ON THE TVs!!! And you know what, I took my own sweet time to peruse the New Releases, Almost New, TV series, Comedies, Dramas, Horror, I even waxed nostalgic at the candy section up front. Then my world came crashing down when I asked the twit behind the desk what blu-ray meant and he looked at me like you gotta be fucking kidding me. I looked at him back and scrunched up my face like you’re a fucking twit. After our staring match ended in a tie, he told me what blu-ray was. I guess I don’t have one. GET OFF MY LAWN!

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  9. I have a couple of questions about Amazon if anyone’s an expert…

    1) when you click on an Amazon link via the June Diaries, does the affiliate credit last for only that visit, for 24-hours or some other amount of time?

    2) when you click on an Amazon link via the June Diaries and put something in your cart or add it to your list, does Mr. June of the Diaries receive the “credit” (aka millions of affiliate dollars), when you go back and buy that thing – even if it’s months later?

    3) if the question to #2 is no, if you then come back to June Diaries, click on the Amazon link, remove the item from your cart and then go find it again, add it to your cart and then buy it, does June of the Diaries receive the gazillion affiliate dollars?

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  10. Sweet Lottie. I’m very drawn to her. Fantastic news about paying off your debt. Such a wonderful feeling. BTW I worry every single time I leave a comment that it will have grammar/spelling/punctuation/typo issues. I try not to make you shudder.

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    1. Thanks Tammy! That’s what I thought and have been doing but it’s such a pain b/c I’m a cart & list adder for later dates. I’m super lazy so always looking for a way out!!

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  11. A lot of times if you call the credit card company and complain about nit-picky little fees like that they will waive them. Doesn’t hurt to ask.

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  12. I have that very same laundry hamper, and my one cat pulls my clothes through the holes too. Not to chew, but she snags the hell out of them. Cats + holy hamper = Nekkid.

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  13. Good for you, paying your credit bills off! That’s awesome. I also have a big medical bill hanging over my head (from the ceiling). Only outstanding bill that I have. That sucks, doesn’t it?

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  14. I think the reason people don’t pay their gardeners is because they don’t consider it to be an Important Bill, unlike their mortgage, internet, cell phone, insurance etc. So they toss it aside and think that they’ll “get to it later.” Then suddenly, they’re a couple of months behind and only then will they grudgingly pay it, especially if their lawn doesn’t get mowed for a week or two.

    It’s also one of those bills that usually isn’t on an automatic bill pay system, which makes it easier to Not pay it.

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  15. I read The Princess Bride long before it became a movie. I loved the book! The movie was great, too. Have you read “As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride” by Cary Elwes? It’s a great read. My brother worked for a computer company in New York. His job was to go to homes and set up networks. One of his clients was William Goldman! My brother said he was the nicest man unlike another famous author he did work for! He offered to make my brother some lunch and was concerned about how much work he was doing. The funniest part for me was that my brother had no idea who he was. During a conversation William Goldman revealed that he was an author. My brother mentioned that his sister was a reader. So William Goldman told him that maybe his sister would know a little book he had written called The Princess Bride!! i totally geeked out when my brother told me the story.

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    1. I haven’t read The Princess Bride, but have seen the movie too many times to count. Yes, we have the book you mentioned by Cary Elwes about the making of the movie and both my husband and I have read it and enjoyed it. We had to watch the movie again for the umpteenth time after reading that book.

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  16. I am NOT HAPPY. I am only getting to read JUNE now when I’m home after work. June is supposed to be my morning delight. So to speak. Today I was running late, but tomorrow AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I am going to read June in the morning and start my day with a cackle. And even, hopefully, be able to comment. Also, I love Grandmother Evelyn.

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  17. Congratulations on paying off your debt! I am so impressed. I am wishing I had some of your gumption. I hope your overwhelmed state eases soon. I feel like being overwhelmed is permanent for me at this time in my life. I am hoping it doesn’t last forever.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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