Is there anything worse than someone insisting they have an old soul? I believe you misheard: You’re not an old soul, you’re an asshole.
Hey, how’s everyone doing?
Project “Tell Everyone I’m Overwhelmed” is underway, and it’s not going well. “Oh, you can’t be that busy. Come have dinner.” Also, “Ima email/call/text/IM you to discuss how busy you are and tell you how busy *I* am.”
I even had someone email me back to ask if I could help write his book. With all m’spare time.
Sigh. Some people are just mad at me. I mean. Thanks. Thanks for understanding. I was needing more stress, and I appreciate it.
I did get pretty far yesterday on my big, ongoing freelance project (How’s the perpetual calendar going June? Did you get the calendar done? The perpetual calendar you told us about? Did you get it done? Did ya? OH SHUT UP), farther than I had planned to get (then you could have gone on to that perpetual calendar, June), and as you can see, I was really able to relax once I put that work down.
Once I got my freelance work done (Well, it wasn’t done, June. Because you have that perpetual–[stabs self in head with meat cleaver]), I watched a little Jane the Virgin, and in this episode, they managed to say versions of “I get it” four times. “Yeah, I get it, Petra…” “You don’t love me anymore, I got it.”
This is a lot like when I used to watch that show Felicity, and in every episode they’d say, “Here’s the thing.” At some point, someone would be trying to get their point across and say it. “Here’s the thing, Ben…”
That was in 1999, when my biggest stressor was trying to find a good place to get acrylic nails, and I was still irked as all get-out.
The good news is, I have a coffee mug now from my old theater I like to go to! They opened a new gift shop this summer. Am delighted. Next week they’re showing The Princess Bride, and it would be inconceivable that I would not go.
Oh! Also? I completely paid off one of my credit cards last month, and then yesterday I got a bill from them for $11.15. I never. It was interest they had the nerve to charge me left over from last month. Annoy. Lu annoy. I went on line and paid it angrily.
$11.15. I hope they choke on it. Jerks.
So, I’m still tense, in case that wasn’t obvious, but I’m SCREAMING through my debt, and got a nice note from the lawn guy I owed money to (“A lot of really rich people are harder to get money from than you’ve been,” he wrote, “Thank you for being so honest.”) (I mean, I owed him like $470 or something, and it’s a sad day when you have to be that grateful. Are people really that terrible about paying? The only reason I got behind with my lawn guy is he sent my invoice via text to the wrong phone number for two months, and then when I texted him about something he was all, “Oh my GOD, no WONDER I haven’t heard from you” and then was very understanding about me taking whatever time I needed to pay him back, so.).
I’m just going to leave that sentence back there and start another one. Anyway, I’m paying off my credit cards and it’s very satisfying, and also my other debts like to the lawn guy and a medical bill that’s been hanging over me, not literally because why would I have a medical bill hanging over me, that’s just bad design.
That sentence wasn’t much better.
BUT ALSO, I have now lost three pounds, which I know isn’t that exciting, but it took forever for anything to budge, over here, and now it seems to be budging, and I’ve finally gotten to a point where I am not starving half to death all the time, with Sally Struthers making a commercial about me, and that’s a plus.
I’m trying to look on the bright side. I’m trying to see the silver cloud, as someone wrote on the internet last night. You ever wanna relax, be a copy editor trying to read the comment section online anywhere.
I just saw Steely Dan jump into the washer to look for clothes to chew. I discovered that he’s chewing clothes that’re IN the hamper. Remember how when I had Lottie, I’d show you her growth progress via the holes in my hamper?Oh my god, I know it’s insane to miss that berserk dog, but I miss that berserk dog. Either she or Steely Dan chewed that black-and-white-striped shirt you can see in the hamper.
I love how you can see Cat in the Hat paw of Edsel in the corner. Remember when the mom came home in Cat in the Hat and all you saw was her foot?
Anyway, Steely Dan, that berserk cat–and why the theme, June–has been pulling things THROUGH THE HOLES, I discovered, and so now not only do I have to Anne Frank all my CLEAN clothes, I also have to Anne Frank the laundry basket.
I just went ahead and gave him one of the shirts he chewed, thinking he could come back to it, like it could be his Blu, and he doesn’t care about it. dis ABC shirt. allreddy bin chew.
He’s lucky this also goes on, because otherwise he’d be at the glue factory.
I better go, but don’t let me forget to tell you about my father sending me an enormous box of family memorabilia, mostly things my grandmother wrote, the one I’m turning into, the one who might just have been dramatic from time to time.
Here, for example, is a note she placed atop a clipping of papers, and I was all, Oh, here we go.
I knew it was a note from her because she always typed everything. A big hobby with her was typing scathing notes to stores that pissed her off, and the media, and she has (well. now I have) a really lovely note from Andy Rooney after she’d written him where his letter began, “Dear Mrs. Gardens, It wouldn’t take much for me to call you Evelyn.”
I mean, that there is charming. She managed to charm, because she seemed like a saucy old lady, but that’s because you didn’t have to actually live with her.
[Every single one of my old boyfriends across America just got a shiver.]
[SHUT UP, OLD BOYFRIENDS.]
Oh lord, I gotta go. I realize when I get stressed out my writing, like my hair, just gets bigger and bigger. I have to remember, BILLS! DEBT! SAVINGS! and oh,
a link to Amazon! Click above and shop, so I get rich and stop boring posts where I talk about freelance!